“I think we should have sex.”

William spat out the water he was drinking.

Buffy looked at him disgusted.

“Sorry,” he said, wiping the water off her book. “But I thought you just said that we should have sex.”

“Well that’s because I did.”

William looked at his best friend of eight years confused; one minute ago they had been lying on her bed studying as they did everyday after school and the next minute he was being propositioned.

They had met in the 5th grade. William had just been transferred from a boarding school in England. He had sat down at the desk beside her, pulled out a copy of Great Expectations, and when Buffy noticed William holding her favourite book she knew she would have a friend for life.

“What? Right now?” William looked around Buffy’s room suddenly aware that they were studying on her bed.

“No! Don’t be gross! Not now, but eventually. I mean we’re seventeen, Will. We are not getting any younger. You are my best friend. It just seems logical to me. I hear Harmony and her crew talking in the locker room after gym. They sleep with a guy and then have the stress and worry about ‘is he gonna call’? Will he ever speak to me again? If I have sex with you it kills two birds with one stone.” Buffy looked at him waiting for some kind of response. To her, he looked like a deer caught in headlights.

William sat stunned looking at Buffy. “What birds do you need to kill, pet?”

“Well there’s the whole awkward first time sex deal. It wouldn’t be awkward with you.” Buffy looked up at the shocked expression on William’s face.

“Well it wouldn’t be that awkward and I wouldn’t have to worry about whether you would call me the next day because as my best friend you would. And I hate to live the high schooler going to college cliché, but I really want to have sex before I go.”

Buffy was growing more and more impatient with William. She had worked this all out in her head and it made sense. It was the most logical thing to do; she couldn’t understand his problem.

“What about love, luv?” William finally found his voice. Buffy just stared at him. “I mean aren’t you girls supposed to dream about your first time with the rose petals on the bed, the passionate embrace and staring into the eyes of the man you love?”

Buffy looked away. “Life isn’t Mills and Boon, Will. I’m not stupid. Of course I dream about it, that’s the reason I want to do it this way.”

Will looked surprised.

“Are you saying that…?”

“I love you? No don’t be stupid!”

William pushed away a pang of disappointment at her statement.

“What I am saying is when I get to the Mills and Boon moment I want to be prepared. You know me, Will. I hate surprises. I just thought we could figure out how this works together so when we get to the real thing we don’t fail. You know how I hate to fail.”

“This isn’t chemistry, Buffy! What you are talking about is a big deal. Your first time should be special, loving.” William searched his brain for more girlie words as he looked up at the New Kids on the Block poster.

“No Will, my first time should be however I want it to be. That’s what I am saying. I want it to be with you.” Buffy looked at Will searching his blue eyes for some kind of answer.

For William the room had suddenly become really small and warm; he jumped up from the bed and started to pace around.

Buffy watched Will and rolled her eyes. What was the big deal? It was a simple yes-no question, and Will was acting like the very future of the world depended on his answer.

William’s mind was racing, so many thoughts at the same time: Buffy naked, yes. Ruined friendship, no. No longer being a virgin, yes. Sex without love, no. It was that thought that troubled him the most. He did love Buffy, in his own ‘you are my best friend because you get me better than anyone else I know’ way. But he wasn’t in love with her.

He knew as much because he was a red-blooded male (he didn’t get the Victoria’s Secret catalogue for the articles); however, he did have this old-fashioned notion that sex and love went hand-in-hand. But he was also a realist. He and Buffy were not high on the high school hottie list. Being intelligent and not afraid to show it were not really considered high values on the hottie scale. Throw in your glasses and stupid curly hair and he knew the odds of bagging a babe were not high.

Not that Buffy wasn’t pretty. It was just that she was… well…Buffy. His friend… his best friend. The one person who knew he wet the bed till he was eleven, the person who knew he cried in the Sound of Music, who…

Buffy watched as Will paced her room. She couldn’t figure him out. He was a guy. Why wasn’t he jumping at the chance to have sex even if it was with her? Buffy knew she wasn’t anything special. That was part of the reason she asked Will. In the back of her mind she always wondered if anyone would find her attractive ‘in that kind of way.’ She wasn’t under any grand illusions that one day some hot footballer would come up to her, take off her glasses, undo her pony tail and suddenly she would be an A class hottie.

She was short and small, she wanted to be a doctor and was willing to work hard to get there. She didn’t have time to dumb herself down in order to get a guy. She had plans to attend med school on a scholarship that she wouldn’t jeopardise on the off chance that some guy would look her way. But she didn’t think that she was so disgusting that Will wouldn’t want to help her out. She pushed a feeling of rejection to the back of her mind.

“Will?” He stopped pacing and looked up at Buffy. “You are wearing a hole in the carpet. I didn’t realise that sleeping with me was such a hard decision to make. Look, I’ll just ask someone else. I am sure someone wou…”

“No!” William replied a little too quickly in a voice he didn’t know he owned. “You are not asking anyone else!”

“Why not?”

“Because someone might … I don’t know… take you up on the offer!” William was really getting frustrated with her. For someone who claimed to be intelligent, didn’t she understand what she was asking?

“Well that’s kind of the point of asking the question, isn’t it?” Buffy sighed.

William looked at her, as much as the decision of whether to have sex with her was a complicated one, the decision to let someone else have sex with her was easy and instantaneous.

“No you won’t. I’ll do it.”

The sounds of the incoming ambulances were not enough to wake Buffy from her sleep.

“Dr. Summers? Dr. Summers, wake up!” The trauma nurse's voice, however, was enough it seemed.

Buffy opened her eyes and jumped up.

“I’m up. What’s the problem?” Buffy was trying to focus her eyes and sound awake at the same time.

“An ambulance has just come in. Traffic collision involving a bus and a truck. I don't know how many we're getting or how critical they are," the nurse rattled off, reading the information she had jotted down from the hurried paramedic report she had taken.

But Buffy was already out of the staff room and down the when the first stretcher came in. A cursory look showed a male with a neck brace, strapped to a backboard and covered with blood.

“Can I get a quick report?" Buffy asked while the paramedics transferred the patient onto a gurney in one of the trauma rooms. Immediately, she began checking him over.

“Truck ran a red light and ploughed head on into the bus. He was a passenger on the bus” The paramedic started telling Buffy the assessment of the situation. "Vital signs have remained stable en route."

Buffy moved her way up the body, assessing the damage.

"He was the most critical."

“Are we getting anymore?” Buffy asked as she moved up to the chest, taking the trauma shears out of her pocket and cutting up the middle, pulling the blood soaked shirt from the patient. “He’s going to need a chest and lower leg Xray.,” Buffy informed one of the nurses helping.

“Five more from the bus and the driver of the truck.”

Buffy had moved up to the face as she asked,. “The bus wasn't crowded?"

“It wasn't for public transport, it was a tour bus for some band my daughter is a fan of… what is there their name?”

The paramedic’s voice faded into the background as she opened the patients eye lids to check for pupil response and in that instant she knew. She knew who it was.

Oh god, it was Will...

Buffy stumbled back and looked at him lying lifeless on the gurney , covered in blood.

“Dingoes Ate my Baby! I knew it would come to me eventually. I should know, my daughter plays them constantly. She's she’s totally in love with the lead singer …”

“Spike Giles.” Buffy announced flatly, still staring at Will.

“That’s the one… you know him?” Buffy snapped out of her daze and looked into the medic's questioning face, realizing she was not acting professionally at all. She switched into Doctor mode.

“Not personally… no," she lied,. Turning to the trauma nurse who had woken her up, she gave verbal orders. "Can I get a head CT, CBC, chem 7 and a type and hold for two units of packed cells? I have a feeling we're going to have to transfuse him. “

Buffy turned back to to save the only man she had ever loved.

~

Spike was having a great time like he always did when he was on stage. He looked around every eye in the stadium was on him. He took a deep breath, scanned the crowd and started to sing. But before a single note passed his lips, he noticed somebody out of the corner of his eye. Somebody who wasn’t looking at him, her head was down she was… he squinted to see… she was reading Great Expectations. My favourite, he thought and went to speak, but for some reason the words weren’t coming. Weird. He looked again and this time she was talking and , he knew the voice. It was so familiar.

“Are we getting anymore? ” He tried to look closer to see where the sound was coming from.

Spike was confused. Anymore what?

“The bus wasn't crowded?" ” Although the voice was harsh and loud, something about it seemed to comfort him.

What bus? They were at a concert. This wasn’t making any sense to him. Why did his leg hurt and what was that woman talking about?

He looked again, the face before him so much like Buffy's. She was here at the concert… he smiled to himself Of course she would be reading at a rock concert. He went to call her again but again there were no words. What was happening to him? He looked up into the stage lights.

“Can I get an assisting in here please?”

And then everything went black.
~

“He’s crashing!” shouted the nurse, Buffy looked up from her inspection of the open fracture of his femur.

“He's in v-fib, we're going to have to shock him. Charge it to 200 joules.” Buffy placed the paddles where they needed to go.

“Clear!” she called, All business now.

Spike's body lifted from the bed, Buffy looked at the monitor, finding no change but relieved that it was still in a shockable rhythm.

“Come on, Will! Give me 300 joules. Clear!" Another 250 cc Clear!”

Spike's body again lifted but his rhythm failed to change.

“Damn-it Will! You were always so stubborn! For once in your life, work with me!" Buffy muttered under her breath "Give me 360 and a round of Epinephrene," she ordered. "Clear!”

This time the rhythm converted, the monitor beeping in a steady fashion.

“Thanks Will.” Buffy let go of the breath she didn’t know she was holding. “Lets get him stable and into Xray.”

~

“Come on Will!” The sound of the voice filled him with a sense of completeness.

Spike stared into the darkness.

“Damn-it Will you were always so stubborn!” The realisation of who the voice belonged to pulled him back into the light.

She was here.

“Buffy.” He tried to open his eyes but they were too heavy. Why were they so bloody heavy… he kept trying to open them.

“Dr Summers Xray is ready for Mr Giles.”

Buffy looked up at the nurse.

“Thank you.”

She looked down at Spike on the gurney trying hard to remain closed off though her heart ached seeing him in pain. But she stiffened remembering that it wasn’t Will lying here but Spike. She blinked back the tears as they wheeled him away

“Good Bye Will”

Buffy closed her eyes as she felt the warm water wash over her body. After pulling a double shift at the hospital this was the part of the day she loved the most. Standing under the shower and letting the day and all its stress wash away down the drain. Today was no exception.

For some reason every time she closed her eyes there he was… lying on the stretcher, his eyes staring into hers. Her name whispered on his lips. It made her remember a time when they were different people with different hopes and dreams. It took her back to her room lying in his arms.

~

“Are you Buffy?” the nurse asked as Drusilla stormed into Spike’s hospital room.

“No I’m not. I’m Drusilla Simons, Spike’s fiancé.” She looked down her nose at the nurse who was checking Spike’s temperature. “Why do you ask?”

“It’s just that’s the name he has been calling out since he was brought back from the OR. I just assumed you were her,” the nurse replied.

“Well that was your first mistake. I hope you don’t make any more. I could have lost my Spike today. I don’t want some half-witted nurse looking after him.” Drusilla was getting angrier by the second and as much as she wanted to blame it on the nurse in front of her, in her heart she knew the real reason.

“Buffy.” Drusilla turned her head and looked toward Spike for the first time.

What she saw was a shell of the man she knew. His face was swollen; he had a black eye and cut lip, which was the worst of the facial injuries. ‘At least the cheekbones weren’t broken,’ she thought to herself. Then she looked at his leg. She could see where the incisions had been made to insert the pins.

How long before he could walk? They were in the middle of a three-month tour. He couldn’t let anyone down. She needed answers fast; she was already fielding calls from the media outlets. She noticed his chart and opened it. The first thing she saw made her sick to the stomach.

Admitting ER doctor: Elizabeth Summers.

~

Buffy finally stepped out of the shower, her muscles somewhat relaxed. She felt halfway human again. She turned on the TV to unwind.

“Breaking News. CNN as just learned that the band “Dingoes Ate My Baby” has been involved in a road accident. The details are scarce at this time, but we have reason to believe that no one was killed. Lead singer Spike Giles has been taken to the hospital and is in surgery. We will update when further information comes to hand.”

Buffy sighed. Even at home she couldn’t get away from him. All Buffy wanted was to be in a world where William ‘Spike’ Giles didn’t exist.

That had been an easy task in college. Nothing helped mend a broken heart better than hard work and she worked hard. She buried the pain of losing Will by hitting the books. Every essay she aced and every midterm she passed made the memories of Will fade away. She was strong; she didn’t need Will, or anyone for that matter, to hurt her like that again.

It was a good system. By the end of her first year the ache had left her. She felt she was moving on. That’s when she turned on the TV and saw him -- “Spike Giles” lead singer of Dingoes Ate my Baby and the tears began to flow as though he had left her yesterday.

~

“I don’t want Dr. Summers anywhere near my fiancé do you understand?!” Drusilla was at the nurses’ station speaking to the head of the ward. “In fact due to the huge celebrity that he is, no one is to go into that room without checking with me first. I won’t have his care jeopardised by crazed fans and autograph hunters harassing him!” Drusilla looked at the nurse. “Do you understand me?”

“Yes, Ms. Simons, we understand. I will just have to clear it with Mr. Giles’ doctor.” The nurse picked up the phone to call.

“And who might his doctor be?”

“Dr. Riley Finn.” Drusilla turned around to see Dr. Finn bounding down the corridor hand outstretched. “Pleased to meet you, Miss…?”

“Simons… Drusilla Simons. I am Spike’s fiancée and manager.”

“Pleased to meet you. Mr. Giles is going to be fine. Besides the broken leg he just has some minor cuts and bruises. In six weeks he will be back on his feet and as good as new.” Drusilla looked at him in shock.

“Six weeks…. What do you mean six weeks?! Listen, Dr. Finn, I don’t know what kind of a rock you live under, but Spike is in the middle of a three-month tour. He can’t take six weeks to get back on his feet!”

Drusilla was really starting to get pissed off with this guy. Where did he get off telling her what was going to happen to Spike? That was her job.

“Ms. Simons, what you fail to realise that your fiancé is very lucky to, one be alive, two able to walk, and three only have a broken tibia and fibia. Now as much as I can do, the body can only heal itself within a certain time frame. I am sorry but the fact he is a rock star on tour does not make his body heal any faster.”

Dr. Finn turned to the nurses. “Keep him on two hourly obs and call me when he wakes. Nice to meet you, Ms. Simons. I am sure we will be speaking again.”

Drusilla watched the Doctor walked away. It wasn’t bad enough that Spike had broken his leg and was going to be out of action for six weeks, but she also had to deal with the small problem of his being in the same hospital where his first love worked.

~

Buffy was awakened from her sleep by the ringing of the phone.

“I just saw the news. Were you there? Did you see him? What did he say?” Willow sounded frantic.

Buffy was still trying to wake up when she replied. “Willow what are you talking about?”

Buffy sat up on the couch that had temporarily become her bed for the night.

“William. I saw the news is he all right? Did you see him? Are you all right?”

Buffy took a deep breath and thought about her answer. “Yes. Yes… and I don’t know.”

Willow sighed on the other end of the phone. “Buffy, that’s not an answer.”

“I know. It just threw me for a loop. One minute he’s some random accident victim and then literally in the blink of an eye he’s Will lying there.” Buffy closed her eyes reliving the memory.

“But he is not that man any more, Willow. He made it clear to me all those years ago. I didn’t treat Will. I treated Spike today and Spike is not the guy I loved so I guess I’m fine.” Buffy seemed almost convinced by her answer.

“So are you going to visit him?” Willow asked.

“No! Why would I? I don’t visit any of the other patients I treat,” Buffy answered.

“I know, Buff, but you weren’t in love with any of the other patients you treated either.”

Buffy sat on her bed flicking through her diary whilst William continued to study the Industrial Revolution.

“So how’s next Friday?”

William looked up from his book. “How’s next Friday for what, luv?”

“Sex.” Buffy rolled her eyes. It had been a week since William had agreed to have sex with her but since then there had been no more discussion of the matter.

“What do you mean sex?” William asked.

“You know… you and me having it.” Buffy looked at William.

“Sex?”

“Yes, William! For someone whose best subject is English you are really struggling to put two words together. What’s wrong with you? Don’t you want to have …?”

“Sex.” William finished her sentence as he stared into space.

“Hello? I thought we agreed on this last week! Geez, William. If I didn’t know you better I’d say you didn’t want to have …” Buffy was growing more and more frustrated.

“Sex.” For William the word kept going around and around in his head and the more it went round the more it kept growing. He could see Buffy naked beneath him, her hair spread out on the pillow and her eyes full of desire for him.

“William?”

He was snapped from his trance at the sound of his name. He looked up and saw Buffy looking at him

“So when are we going to do this?”

At that point William knew what he wanted. He wanted the fantasy to be a reality. He stood up grabbed Buffy and pulled her to him crushing his mouth against hers.

Buffy didn’t know what had hit her. One minute she was talking to William and the next she was kissing him. Her first kiss ever… it felt good. She closed her eyes and felt his arm wrap around her body. She understood what the big deal was; this kissing thing was all right.

But as quickly as it had started William broke away from her. She looked into his eyes. Eyes she had probably looked into everyday for the last eight years but in all that time she never saw what she was looking at right at that instant. Desire, fear, longing, and lust swirled around them.

“How about now?” William answered whilst trying to get his breath back. “Now is good for me.”


~

Spike woke up with the worst hangover ever. He tried to remember what he was drinking last night. He couldn’t remember. “Think, brain, think. I finished the show, signed some autographs and got on the bus.”

Spike couldn’t remember what happened after he got on the bus. He suddenly became very aware that he wasn’t on the bus anymore. Instead, he was in hospital lying in bed with only a gown covering him.

‘They don’t hospitalise you for hangovers, do they?’ he thought to himself.

“Oh bollocks.” He didn’t realise that he had said it out loud as the nurse came in.

“No, your bollocks are fine according to the nurse who gave you a sponge bath. Your leg, however, was not so lucky, I’m afraid.” The nurse lifted his arm to check his pulse.

“You are a popular man, Mr. Giles. You should see the reporters outside just wanting to see if you are all right. You some kind of celebrity or something?” The nurse had now moved on to taking his blood pressure.

“Or something.” Spike replied. “Do you know what happened to me?” He winced as he tried to move his legs but found that his right one was too heavy and sore to move.

The nurse stopped what she was doing and looked at him. “The doctor will be here soon to give you all the details, but you were in an accident.” Spike felt sick as he remembered the rest of his band.

“Is everyone else ok?” Spike asked. If he lost anyone from his band he would be devastated.

Over the past four years they had become more like family than his own.

“Everyone is fine, my darling.” Spike looked up to see Dru walking into the room. “It’s you they are all worried about. How is my dark prince?” Dru ran her hand along his bruised brow. Spike caught her hand and kissed it.

“I am fine Princess… my leg hurts like a bitch but I’ll live.”

~

“Do you know Spike Giles?” The sound of that name caused Buffy to wince.

Buffy looked at Dr. Riley Finn in shock.

On the surface it seemed like an easy yes or no question. Did she know Spike Giles? The short answer was no. The man Buffy knew was not Spike Giles. The man she knew was William Giles, geek to the core who had a passion for eighteenth century literature and wrote poetry in his spare time. A man whose idea of a good Saturday night was sitting in and watching the History channel. A man who had whispered sonnets in her ears as she lay in his arms.

No, she didn’t know Spike Giles, whose interview in Rolling Stone was a series of cobbled together monosyllabic grunts that passed as cutting edge journalism. A man whose sneer and leer could be seen on high rotation in every one of his videos on MTV. She didn’t know the Spike Giles who tore her heart out all for the sake of a chance at the big time and a shot at his dark princess.

“No,” she answered Riley. “Why do you ask?”

“Well, it’s just that his girlfriend-come-manager insisted that you were not to come up and see him. Said you were some kind of crazed fan.” Buffy laughed.

“Yeah because I find the rock stylings of a Billy Idol wannabe trying to relate to the disaffected youth while still trying to be “hip” so appealing.”

Riley just stared at Buffy as she had her outburst. They had been friends since med school; Riley had always wanted more but Buffy had given off a please-don’t-like-me-in-that-way vibe.

But as fate would have it they were both interns at the same hospital and lunch together had become one of their routines. He liked where this all seemed to be heading and with the hospital gala coming up he knew he was a shoe-in to be her date.

“Sorry I brought it up. Anyway… about the hospital gala?” Riley started.

“Is he going to be ok?’ Buffy asked despite her pledge to herself not to know or care about Spike.

“Who Spike? Yeah he will be fine… six weeks in rehab for the leg and then he will be right as rain,” Riley answered, eager to get back to the matter of the gala.

“What do you mean? Six weeks here at this hospital?” Buffy heart started to race and not in a good way. How would she handle being in the same hospital as Spike for six weeks? They were bound to run into each other. This was not good.

“Can’t he be transferred to another hospital…I mean we aren’t the best in town. Maybe one closer to his family.” Buffy was searching her brain for reasons to get him out of her life. “Surely one closer to his family would help speed up the recovery process.”

“According to Drusilla he has no family here in the States so this place is as good as any.”

Buffy closed her eyes letting the situation sink in… six weeks… six weeks with Spike in close quarters. Then she looked up at Riley.

“Who told you that again?”

“Drusilla.”

Buffy winced at the sound of her name.

“His girlfriend… the one who said you were a crazed fan.”

Buffy took a deep breath this was going to be a long six weeks.

Buffy’s body and mind were working in different time zones. As William moved her towards her bed she was responding to William’s embrace far quicker physically than she was mentally.

‘Oh my God!’ They fell onto the bed and Buffy realised that all of William’s parts were more than caught up with the current situation.

“Will!” Buffy half spoke, half moaned. “What are you doing?”

William never liked to use clichés but what was happening to him right this instant was the best thing he had ever experienced. He now understood why people wrote poetry, songs, and painted masterpieces to express the feelings currently coursing through what felt like every fibre of his being.

He did not know what came over him. One minute they were talking and the next he was kissing her as if it was the most natural thing in the world to do. As first kisses went, he thought he did pretty well. He had done it to shut her up, to stop all the sex talk. However, his reasons for continuing were quite different.

“Painting a wall Buffy, what does it look like?” William answered.

He could not take his eyes off her lips. Were they always that colour? He wondered in all the years why he had never even given a thought to the colour of her lips but right here, in this moment her lips were the most important issue he had ever faced.

William suddenly became aware of their situation. How had he ended up lying on top of her on her bed? ‘That’s right… that happened right after you grabbed her and kissed her senseless.’ He quickly moved off her and rolled onto his side.

As soon as William moved away, Buffy felt a sense of loss. ‘What is that all about?’ she wondered to herself. She sat up and looked at Will lying on her bed trying to regain his composure. She had never noticed his lips before their kisses. Now swollen and flushed from their kisses, but there was more to it than that, something she could not put her finger on.

“So I guess we covered the kissing part.” Buffy broke the silence.

“Yeah, I think we know how that all works,” William replied. He turned over to look at her; she was beautiful. Why had he not noticed before?

“So is Friday still good for you?” Buffy asked.

~

Spike was tired. He was not even through his first physiotherapy session and he was buggered. He looked up at his torturer and pleaded.

“Please luv, can we take a break?” They had been doing leg exercises in the hospital gym and he really wanted to take a cigarette break.

“I don’t think so… you still have ten reps of twenty on this leg to do.” Dr. Tara McClay looked at Spike. “I know this is hard and it’s hurting you, but believe me it will help you in the long run. If it helps, pretend you are back in the gym in high school,” she offered.

Spike laughed at the thought. “If you are trying to make me feel better you are going the wrong way about it luv. Gym class was not a highlight unless you count being picked last for team and having medicine balls thrown at you for fun.”

“Well to look at you, I just figured you were athletic. I mean you look pretty fit… broken leg notwithstanding.” Tara commented.

“Thanks… are you checking out my goodies?” Spike flirted.

“Only in my strict physio capacity. Trust me; I am not interested in your goodies.” Tara laughed.

“You wound me, pet. I have had quite a few compliments regarding my talents,” Spike replied.

“I’m sure you have. It’s just you’re not my type.” Tara moved towards Spike to start the next round of exercises.

“I get it… blondes not your thing?” Spike prepared himself for the next exercise.

“Well even if blondes were my thing I still wouldn’t be interested,” Spike smiled as he ran his hand through his darkening roots.
“No, not blondes, men. Men aren’t my thing.” With that, Tara grabbed Spike’s leg and started to move it.

~

Buffy sat in the staff room drinking her coffee; she was twelve hours into her eighteen-hour shift. Already today, she had seen so many patients she had lost count; after a while, they all just bled into one. No pun intended. Whilst she was always one hundred percent committed to whatever patient was in front of her, her thoughts always drifted back to him.

It had been a week since the accident and she still was resisting the urge to visit him. Buffy knew what floor, what room, and practically every detail of Spike Giles’ care. It was not as if she sought out the information; it was just all the nurses and interns talked about.

High profile patients were rare at the hospital, so Spike’s care and recovery were hot gossip around the corridors. It seemed as though every conversation she walked into or asked to be a part of in some way centred on Spike Giles.

She hated it. She had spent the last eight years carefully constructing ways of avoiding Spike and the pain and heartache he had caused. She had done a good job at it. She had closed herself off to that part of herself that still loved him. If she kept moving, working, ignoring it, it would go away. No, it had gone away. Then in some kind of cosmic joke here it was; eight years of pushing back her thoughts and feelings and they were all coming back in one big rush.

Buffy shivered as she again pushed her thoughts and feelings back for what seemed like the fiftieth time today. She had to do something about it; she had to move on. In addition, as much as she did not want to do it, she knew what she had to do. Drusilla be dammed she was going to do it; she was going to see Spike.

She got up to go to the elevator and as she turned around, she saw the face from her nightmares.

In an instant, she was back to that day. The day everything changed. The day her heart shattered into what seemed like a million pieces and no matter how hard she tried to put them back together, there always seemed to be a piece missing.

“Hello, Sunshine.” The nightmare spoke.

“Drusilla.”

Spike sat by the window feeling pleased with himself. Not only had he managed to hop over to the window, but also he had also opened it, lit a cigarette and was taking his first drag relishing in the feeling of the smoke filling his lungs.

“What the hell do you think you are doing?” Tara walked in.

“Bollocks!” he said as he stubbed it out on the windowsill. “Painting a wall, what does it look like?”

“It looks like you are trying to kill yourself in the slowest most painful way possible!” Tara replied.

“And here I was thinking that was your job, pet.” Spike mumbled to himself.

“I heard that, and if you are well enough to smoke out the window you are well enough to use your crutches to get to the gym today.” Tara picked them up and handed him them.

“I was hoping for another spin around… thought I could challenge one of the patients of ward five to a race.” Spike looked truly disappointed.

Tara shot him a look that already told him what her answer would be.

“You know, pet, I think you get off on torturing me.”

Spike could not help but smile as he placed the crutches under his arms. As much as he hated to admit it physio was becoming one of the highlights of his day. This in itself was not saying much when all he had to do was sit and watch either the TV or the walls. Neither of which seemed that appealing to him. Then he had an idea.

“Tara can you get someone to call Drusilla? I need my guitar.”

~

Once Spike and Tara had finally reached the gym they had settled into the session quickly. Spike was lying on the mats and Tara had his leg resting on her shoulder stretching it out.

“I kinda feel that this position is wasted on me,” she said as she pushed against Spike’s leg.

“What do you mean pet?” He asked trying not to show her how much pain she was putting him through.

“Well it’s just most of the female staff and a few of the male ones would kill to be in my position right now.” She placed the leg back down on the mat. “Now you try to lift it.”

Spike struggled as he tried to lift his good leg. It was not easy. Tara could see the struggle and offered a little help.

“Is that right luv? Don’t know what all the fuss is about. I’m just a guy with a broken leg.”

Tara could not help but laugh at that statement. Just a guy indeed… since admitting Spike into the hospital there had been reporters camped outside the place twenty-four/seven. In addition, she had lost count of the number of fans that had tried to pass themselves off as hospital staff just to give him a sponge bath.

“You can’t be serious ‘Mr Pin-up boy, I’ve been on the cover of Rolling Stone’. Voted hottest guy in rock three years in a row by Teen People. You have absolutely no idea why girls throw themselves at you?” Spike looked at her puzzled.

“You seem to know a lot about me for someone who is not interested pet.” He smirked.

“I’m gay, Spike, not blind. I know what you are to those women.” She took his foot and started to move it from side to side.

“It’s an illusion,” Spike answered quietly. “For all the rock star bravado I may seem to have some days I still feel like the ponce I was in high school.”

“Ponce? What do you mean?” she asked

“Nerd… I was a nerd. All floppy hair and glasses -- nose always in a book. My idea of a hot Saturday night was watching the History Channel.” Spike smiled at the memory.

“Must have been lonely for you?”

“You would think so, but no. I had friends… had a best friend. She and I did everything together. We knew we were not high on the social evolutionary scale, but we didn’t care, you know. We just did our own thing our own way.” Spike was losing himself to the memories.

“So what does this best friend think of your new look?” She looked at him; he seemed a million miles away.

“I don’t know… I suspect she’s not a fan. We don’t speak any more. I haven’t seen her in years.” Spike’s smile disappeared from his face.

“Why, what happened?”

Spike’s blue orbs turned cold, as he seemed to look right through Tara.

“I hurt the girl.”

~

Buffy stared down Drusilla. She may have taken Will away but dammed if she was going to take her strength as well.

“Didn’t you read the sign, ‘Doctors Only’?” Unless they have started giving away medical degrees on the back of Wheeties packets, I suggest you leave,” Buffy ground out.

“Tsk, tsk, Sunshine. No need to get catty. We all know what a lousy pussy you are.” Drusilla circled around Buffy. “At least that’s what my William told me.”

Buffy fought back the tears at the sound of Will’s name. “He was never your William, Dru! He was always mine!”

Drusilla stopped and looked Buffy straight in the eye.

“Lies don’t suit you Sunshine, so don’t even try to deny it. You never told him did you? You had him where you wanted him… in your arms, in your heart, in your bed, but you couldn’t keep him could you? All you had to do was say the words.” Drusilla watched for Buffy’s reaction.

Buffy looked away. She could not let this happen, not again. This women had come and snatched William away from her once before, she was not going to let her take her dignity as well.

“What bothers you more, Dru? That I had him first or that in the back of your mind you know he will never feel with you one tenth of what he felt in one night with me.” Buffy knew she was lying, but she did not care. She wanted Drusilla to pay.

“But who gets the last laugh, Sunshine? At least I know William loves me… he tells me everyday. Every time he kisses me, every time he fu….” A slap across the face cut her off.

“I suggest Ms. Simons that you leave before I call security because as much as you can keep me away from Will’s ward I can just as easily have you kept out of this hospital… permanently!” Buffy glared at Drusilla with all the determination she could muster.

Drusilla turned to leave.

“This isn’t over, Sunshine,” she called over her shoulder.

“I know,” Buffy said to herself. “Not by a long shot.”

William had been standing in front of the mirror for what seemed like a lifetime, but in reality was probably twenty minutes.

‘Glasses on? Glasses off?’ He thought to himself as he switched from one to the other.

He could not understand why he felt so churned up. Then he remembered. It was Friday. ‘D Day’… well it was probably more accurate to say ‘S Day’ as in today’s the day I have it.

Ever since the impromptu make out session in Buffy’s room a couple of days ago, the majority of his thoughts consumed by what was going to take place tonight. He and Buffy had not spoken much more about it. Except to set a time and place, oh, and decide who was going to buy the condoms.

William went over to his bag and checked for what seemed the umpteenth time. “Checkmate check.”

The time that was not spent planning the deed; William spent thinking about Buffy -- more specifically, what it felt like to kiss Buffy. It was as if his world had shifted onto a slightly different axis just from that one kiss. Everything to do with Buffy had suddenly come into sharper focus. Her smile somehow made him feel just that bit better, when she laughed he felt just that bit happier, slight touches sent shivers not only up his spine but also creeping into other areas of his anatomy as well.

~

Buffy checked the clock… thirty minutes until William would be there and she was already onto her fourth outfit change. The first one was too flirty, the second to daggy, the third too slutty. William might think she was throwing herself at him. Buffy laughed at the thought, because in reality she was not so much throwing but placing herself next to him. Her problem was she did not know how to dress for a date, let alone for what was essentially a booty call.

Buffy frowned at that thought. It was not exactly true. She was not going to be a booty call. She and William had done practically everything together; even a trip to the drug store to buy what William liked to call ‘lady products,’ which they swore never to mention ever again. She did not see why sex should be any different.

Sure, she wanted love and she wanted passion, but she also wanted acceptance, reassurance, respect and equality-- all the things that William gave her in spades. Anytime in her life, she needed strength and support William was there and losing one’s virginity was one of those times. Therefore, it made all the sense in the world to do it this way.

However, there was a nagging feeling in her heart that she wanted this for a whole heap of other reasons, none of which had to do with logic at all.

~

Spike looked at the flowers on his bedside table. ‘If I never see another bunch of flowers in my life, it will be too soon,’ he thought to himself as he rolled his eyes.

The four walls of his room were starting to drive him nuts. Where was that guitar he asked for? He needed some outlet for all this pent up stress.

The physio session with Tara had left him rattled. He never thought too much about his ‘William’ days. On one hand it seemed like it was three lifetimes ago he was studying relentlessly, the constant fodder for popular group teasing. On the other, it only seemed like a moment ago he was graduating.

Then there was Buffy. It seemed like only yesterday since he had seen her… spoken to her… heard her voice calling out to him. He closed his eyes and took himself back to that room, that day, to that moment when everything changed.

“See. I told you Captain Peroxide would be asleep!” The booming voice jolted him from his thoughts.

“Well if it isn’t tall dark and forehead.” Spike opened his eyes to see his bass player, Angel standing beside his girlfriend Faith, who just happened to be the band’s drummer as well.

“Hey Spike, was told you needed this.” Faith swung the guitar case up onto the bed narrowly missing his leg.

“Watch it Faith! One broken leg is enough for me at the moment!” He flinched as he moved to miss the flying case.

“So, how you holding up?” Angel asked as he moved to look at the growing collection of stuffed animals, flowers and cards around the hospital room.

“Fine. How about you guys?”

Faith moved to sit down beside the bed.

“We’re all fine… you took the worst of it I’m afraid. I was discharged from the ER the same night and Angel was just kept overnight. Weren’t you sweetie?”

Angel looked up from reading the get-well cards.

“Yeah. They thought I had concussion.”

“Don’t you need a brain to have one of those, mate?” Spike laughed as he asked the question.

“Very funny bleach boy. Dru says you’ve got another five weeks in here.” Angel looked around the room. “You’ll go crazy here before your leg heals.”

“I know… that’s why I asked for the guitar. I might as well use the down time to write a few new songs.” Angel moved to sit down next to Faith.

“Going to test them out on the nurses? See how many you can make swoon; see how many hearts you can break?”

“Not likely, mate. Dru has this place so stitched up you need military clearance just to get into the ward, let alone my room. It’s embarrassing! She acts like I’m some kind of mega star or something.”

“She just wants what’s best for you. The quicker you get back on your feet the faster we get back on tour and as our publicist, that’s what she wants.” Faith stood up to have a look around the room; she was never one to sit down for too long.

“I don’t know mate? She’s been extra possessive and that’s saying something for her… I just don’t understand why?”

Faith unhooked Spike’s chart to sneak a peek at the fun drugs he was on, she looked up from the chart and spoke.

“I think I know the reason.”

~

Buffy sighed as she knocked on the door. Dinner with friends was the last thing she felt like doing. However, she had cancelled on Willow twice now and she would be really stretching the friendship if she were to cancel again.

Besides, it was a good way to put this thing with Spike behind her. The confrontation with Drusilla left her pretty rattled. Willow knew all about the situation and knew better than to bring it up

The door opened to reveal Willow’s girlfriend, Tara.

“Hey Buffy! How are you doing?” Buffy leant forward and kissed Tara on the cheek.

“Good.” Buffy lied. “How about you? Haven’t seen you round the cafeteria lately?”

They both moved inside the door and into the lounge. Buffy sank down into the comfortable chair.

“Yeah, I have been flat out with my new star patient.” Tara offered Buffy some nuts.

“Really? That sucks. I must admit I have been flat out in the ER myself. So who’s your new patient?”

“Spike Giles.”

Buffy felt the colour drain from her face, she felt cursed. For some unknown reason, everywhere she went she had to hear or talk about Spike Giles.

“I know. Funny isn’t it?” Tara continued. “He’s not at all like you’d expect. He’s got this tough guy persona going on, but underneath it all he’s just a …”

“Softie.” Buffy finished the sentence for her.

“Well I was going to say sweetheart, but yeah, now you come to mention it you’re right. He has this softness to him that you can see in his eyes. He tries to hide it but behind the bad ass exterior lays a heart of gold, I suspect.”

“Indeed it does.” Buffy felt the tears well again in her eyes. Scolding herself on when was she going to get over this. She had shed too many pointless tears over a man who really did not exist any more. She knew what she had to do to make the tears stop, to heal the pain in her heart that seemed like it was never going away.

“So what did I miss?” Willow entered the room breaking her out of her thoughts. “Sorry there was an emergency at the magic shop and I had to call in to fix it.” Willow took one look at Buffy and knew something was not right.

“Are you okay, Buffy?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Buffy smiled. “Tara was just telling me about her star patient.”

“Really, sweetie? Who’s that?”

“Spike Giles.”

Willows eyes widened as she looked at Buffy again.

“Oh.” Realisation hit Willow. She took one look at Buffy and knew what she had to do.

“Tequila anyone?”

Spike hopped on one leg out of the shower, grateful that the nurses had finally let him have one, there was only so many sponge baths a person could take and still feel like a man. He wiped the fog from the bathroom mirror and stared at the reflection in front of him

His cuts and bruises were fading, aside from the scar that was forming across his eyebrow you would never know he had ever been in an accident. He ran his hands through his hair trying to get rid of the excess water. It was longer than usual. The curls he hated so much during high school were starting to reappear as his natural hair colour pushed its way through the peroxide.

‘It’s not like I can go to the hairdresser’s.’ He thought to himself as he dried the rest of his body. Once he was finished, he grabbed his crutches and made his way back to his bed.

“Hello, Dru.”

There she was sitting on his bed. His dark princess, his saviour. At least that is what she always told him. However, what did she save him from? That’s right… himself. Dru had seen the man he could be when everyone else saw the boy he was, the boy no one could love, not even her.

“My Spike, you look better today. Come sit.” Drusilla patted the bed. “What has my dark prince been up to?”

“You know the usual… ran a marathon, won the Noble prize for literature, oh yeah, and I cured cancer.” He sat on the bed next to her.

“I’m in the bloody hospital with a broken leg, Dru! What do you think I’ve been up to?” She snuggled up into his lap.

“I’ve missed you, my love,” she said as she started to slip her hand underneath his t-shirt. “I crave the darkness you know, it’s been so long since…” She started to lick and nip at his neck.

He caught her arm. “Dru.” He ground out as she kept up her actions. “I don’t fancy giving the nurses a free show.”

“Why not?” She pouted. “I’m sure we could teach them a few things.” As she looked into Spike’s eyes, she knew nothing was going to happen, so she sat back and straightened herself up.

“I spoke to your Doctor… he said you are doing really well with your rehab. You might even be out in a couple of weeks.” She got up off the bed and reached for her folder.

“That means we can start in Chicago and then go back and pick up the shows we missed at the end of the tour.”

He let out a sigh as he lay back down on the bed. That is what it was like with Dru, sex and business. If they were not doing one, they were doing the other. Not that he minded that much. The sex was amazing and the business had made him into what he was today. They had met in a bar while he was drowning his sorrows and that was the beginning of it all. He took her home that night. Well, Dru dragged him and he told her the directions. In addition, after that night he never looked back. William died that night and Spike was born.

~

Buffy sat at the nurses’ station up to her elbows in paper work. ‘When I signed on to be a doctor it was to save lives, not to spend endless hours doing paperwork.’ Still it had to be finished and it was better than performing the colonoscopy that was currently going on in Trauma 3.

“I’m looking for Dr. Summers?”

Buffy looked up to see a vaguely familiar brunette woman.

“I am she. How can I help you?” She stood to face the woman.

“I’m Faith… I’m the bassist from Dingoes Ate My Baby.” Faith held out her hand. “I believe you know our lead singer.”

She took the hand and shook it. “Yeah, I used to know Will. How can I help you? He’s alright, isn’t he?” She tried to keep the concern out of her voice.

“Blondie is fine. Just wanted to come down and see if you were?” Faith was still looking her up and down.

She suddenly became aware that the white doctor’s coat was not her best look.

“I’m fine, Faith. Unless you are injured or sick in someway, I don’t know how l can help you?” She turned to sit back down.

“You can help me by going to see Spike.” Buffy stared at her.

“Why would I do that? Even if I wanted to, his skanky-ho undead girlfriend wouldn’t let me come within ten feet of him.” She could feel the anger rising within her.

“So you’ve met Dru?”

“Once… no make that twice now.” Buffy flinched at both memories. “Look how do you even know who I am, let alone where I work?” She questioned.

“Checked Spike’s chart, wanted to see if he was on any fun drugs I could swipe.”

Buffy rolled her eyes and crossed her arms over her chest.

“Well that explains how you know where I work but not how you know who I am. I did not think Will… I mean Spike would ever mention me.” She tried not to sound as hurt as she really was.

“You spend as long as we have together you get to know a person. You grew up in Sunnydale right?”

Buffy’s eyes widened.

“Yes. How did you know that?” she asked.

“Every time we played a show there Spike would change. He would get nervous before the gig, which never happens. He would go off on his own for hours and come back either really angry or really drunk or really both.”

“So what does this have to do with me?” She was growing impatient and uncomfortable with where this conversation was heading.

“So one night we had enough of it and called him on it. Asked him what was going on, and he told us all about it. You, him with the nerdy clothes and passion for eighteenth century literature, how he loved you and broke your heart.”

“He never loved me! I know that… he never said?” Buffy’s head was swimming at the words.

“We have been on the road on and off for the last six years and every time, without fail, we stopped in Sunnydale and he would look for you. That’s why I’m here, to tell you that he needs to see you.”

“But what about Dru?” she questioned.

“What about her? The fact that she is keeping you from him should tell you everything. She’s threatened by you.”

“But why, why is he looking for me? He’s the one who left who …” Buffy held herself tighter.

“I don’t know why, but don’t you think it’s time you went and asked him?”

“Yes… I think it is.”

Buffy stood in her room staring at William, the reality of the situation starting to sink in.

“My mom is away for the weekend visiting my aunt so you don’t have to worry about keeping quiet during the throes of passion.” She babbled. “And I put clean sheets on the bed so….”

William could tell she was nervous, and so was he. He was about to experience one of life’s defining moments. He was going to make love for the first time. No he was not, he reminded himself. Not making love, having sex. They had been clear about that. This was not about love. It was about sharing an experience with a friend, someone you could trust. However, as he stood there looking at her, friendship was the last thing on his mind.

“Did you bring the things?” she asked.

“What things might that be, luv?”

Buffy rolled her eyes.

“I gave you one job, Will. Buy the things, so in nine months time I don’t have a baby.”

“Condoms?”

“Yes, the things.”

William could not help but laugh. Here they were about to be as intimate as two people could ever be and she could not even bring herself to say the word condom.

“Relax, luv.” He moved toward her, his gaze never leaving hers. He swept a loose tendril of hair behind her ear and let his hand rest against her cheek. In some ways that touch was more intimate than any they were about to experience. “I got you.” With that, he kissed her.

Buffy relaxed as William pressed his lips against hers. His lips felt so soft and warm; she craved his touch and wanted more. Her arms wrapped around his body pulling him towards her. Stronger feelings replaced her nervousness.

He felt himself pulled towards her and he held onto her as if she were the only thing that stood still as his mind spun out with so many thoughts and feelings. Her touch, he wanted more.

They broke from their kiss and he searched her eyes asking for the permission he so desperately wanted. She nodded ever so slightly. He slipped his hands under the hem of her shirt and pulled it over her head. Once the shirt was off, what he saw before him made his breath catch in his throat.

Will knew he was staring but he could not help it. She took his hand and placed it on her breast. His eyes widened in shock as her body responded to his touch almost immediately.

“You’re beautiful,” he said as he moved to kiss her neck.

“Oh, Will,” she moaned.

In all his life, he knew he would never hear a sweeter sound than his name on her lips.
“Buffy.” He captured her lips with his own and kissed her. He took her in his arms and laid her on the bed.


As he made his way down between her breasts, Buffy’s mind was spinning. As much as she did not want the Mills and Boon moment here, she was half-naked and William was doing things with his mouth that she never knew existed. She was feeling things that she could not contemplate.

Will however, had no such problems as his fingers were on the buttons of her jeans. She pulled herself away from him

“Hang on a minute.” The look on Will’s face was a mixture of desire, desperation and dejection. “This isn’t going to turn into some kind of peep show where you get to see everything and I just get glimpses here and there.” She moved back to him and slipped his shirt off as well.

‘Well, that’s a surprise,’ she thought to herself as she stared at his nicely muscular chest. He was not Mr. Universe, but who wanted that, nor was he scrawny. He was in fact…

“Beautiful.”

Will looked at her.

“What? I can’t return the compliment?”


He began to make his way down her body, kissing everywhere he could. He dipped his tongue in her belly button and heard her giggle as he did. As he moved down to her zipper, he looked up at her.

She was torn. Whatever he was doing, he was doing well and she wanted him to keep going. What would he think of her if she let him? All such thoughts vanished as he unzipped her jeans, and took them off.

“Please,” was all she said as he slipped off her panties. Before she had a chance to process the words, he was gently lapping at her clit.

“Oh.” She felt the pleasure shoot through her whole body. “Will, yes.”

Her words of encouragement were all he needed. He may not have done this before, but there was a lot to be said about instinct. He increased his pace and in turn, her sighs of pleasure did the same. He slid one of his fingers into her.

“Oh God!” She lifted herself off the bed. “Don’t stop.”

“Wasn’t planning on it luv.”

“Then less talking and more ah...”

As he increased the pace, her walls tightened around him as she shouted her release.

“Will.”

He moved his way back up the bed and watched her as she came down from her orgasm, her golden hair surrounding her head like a halo. Her breasts rose and fell in time with her heavy breathing, her eyes heavy with desire. It hit him. It was as if all the information that he had stored in his brain about Buffy had all fallen into place. The pieces had all fit together and the outcome was… he was in love with Buffy Summers.

Buffy lay there looking at Will, why had she never noticed his arms before now; they were so muscular probably from carrying all those damn poetry books. And his lips. Who knew they were so skilful? However, it was his eyes; she could look into those for the rest of her life and never get bored. Their blue depths conveyed so much to her. She looked into them and it hit her like a ton of bricks. She was in love with William Giles.

~

Buffy checked her reflection in the staff room mirror. ‘Too much lip gloss?’ She was stalling and she knew it. Nevertheless, she also knew what she had to do. Faith’s visit had left more questions than it answered. Why did he tell his band he loved her? Surely when he told their story, it was more a cautionary tale than the greatest love story of all time. ‘Enough stalling.’ She walked to the lifts and pressed the up button. ‘It’s time to face your past so you can have a future.’

~

Spike lay in his bed. ‘How am I supposed to get better when they keep feeding me this slop?’ Maybe he could turn star and pull the ‘don’t you know who I am’ line. He laughed at the thought. He had seen so many so-called ‘stars’ pull that routine. It was more a case of “don’t you know who I think I am” and it almost never worked.

He was bored, episode one bored. He had read the paper from cover to cover and it seemed as though he had also read every book on the New York Times Best Seller list. A smoke -- that is what he needed. He sat up and pulled his legs to the side of the bed. He wiggled down to the end to help lift himself off when something caught his hand.

‘My chart… the one thing in this room I haven’t read.’ Spike was about to open it when he heard his favourite sound in the world.

“Hello, Will.”

They laid there looking at each other for what seemed like hours, processing the thoughts and feelings that were suddenly awakened within them.
Buffy became aware of her state of undress and she felt a cold shiver run through her.
“Are you cold luv?”
Her heart warmed at his words “luv” he had used it so often it barely registered anymore it was just another word but know somehow all his words took on new meanings to her.
“A little” she looked down “its kinda what happens when you don’t have any clothes on” she went to move under the covers but Will stopped her.

“I’ll warm you”

The kiss started slow their bodies moved together William could not believe how good Buffy’s skin felt under his touch. He wanted to have his hands everywhere at the same time and he was going he was doing a good job at it.

He was surprised when he felt her hand slip down the front of his pants. He stopped her.

“Buffy, what are you doing?” He wanted her to keep going but needed her to be sure.

“Well, unless you know a better way to do this, I am pretty sure these need to come off.” She gave him a look that pushed all reasonable thought out of his mind.

Will covered her body with his as she helped him out of his pants. , they started kissing again. She sought more friction against him. The more she sought the better she felt.

“Buffy, if you keep doing that I am going to finish before you start,” he moaned.

She looked up at him through hooded eyes.

“So start.” She thought she would be more hesitant, but she was certain she wanted Will to make love to her.

The air felt as though it was sucked from the room when Will stopped and got the condom out. ‘This is really going to happen,’ she thought. She looked into his eyes and knew that it was going to be all right.

He positioned himself at her opening and eased himself in.

She bit her lip as he entered her. She was expecting the pain but it still came as a bit of a shock as she started to stretch to accommodate his length.

He looked down at her, seeing the discomfort on her face. “Luv, I’m sorry. Do you want me to stop?”

“No. Just can you...Can you wait a sec?”

Although he was a teenage boy, William would have waited for her forever. All he wanted was to make her feel as good as he was.

“Will, you can start moving now.”

He started to gently thrust inside her, a slow rocking motion. He could feel her tightness squeezing his cock. He felt amazing, like he was going to jump out of his skin. He was not sure Buffy was enjoying herself until…

“Oh, Will!” Buffy felt her orgasm slowly building within her. His thrusts were less painful now that she had gotten used to his size. “More!”

Will was not sure what exactly to do; he was relying on instinct more than skill. He stopped his thrusts.

Her eyes snapped open. “I said more, Will, not sto…” Her words cut off as she felt his fingers circle her clitoris. “Oh, stopping is good!”

Will kept going as he felt her muscles tighten around him. He was so close; he wanted to make her come.

“Buffy, come for me, luv. I want to feel you all around me. My sweet Buffy, I wanna make you come so bad. Please baby, for me. For only me.”

“Oh, Will! Only you! Oh, you make me feel so good!”

Her orgasm ripped through her. She lifted off the bed as Will lost control and took his final thrusts as he came.

“Buffy luv, only you.” He fell on top of her gasping for breath.

She tapped him on the shoulder. “Will, I’m kinda finding it hard to breathe here.”

“Sorry, luv.” He rolled off her and onto his side. Quickly getting rid of the condom, he turned to face her.

“Well that was…” She searched for the words but her whole brain was scrambled. ‘No wonder all the slutty girls are dumb… you can’t think straight after sex.’ She smiled to herself as she looked into Will’s eyes. As she was caught in the intensity of his gaze she wanted to tell him that the plan had back fired she loved him. But she couldn’t she has set the rules of this agreement she couldn’t change them.

“Yeah, I know.” He looked at her all flushed and tousled hair; he wanted to take a photo to remind him that things could be perfect if only for a moment.

“I’m sleepy.” She stretched as a yawn slipped out.

“Here luv.” William opened his arms and pulled Buffy into his embrace.

“Thanks Will. You sure you don’t mind?” she hated the fact she was suddenly so unsure around him “I know that after sex snuggling was part of the deal”

Her words shook him ‘that’s right the plan’

“No I mean you will want to know what to do when the after sex snuggling happens for real right?”

“Yeah sure”

But as she moved into his arms and snuggled into sleep she couldn’t think of feeling anything more real than she did right now.

~

Spike put down the chart and looked at the door.

“Buffy?” He said her name aloud, as if to make sure what he was seeing was real.

She was real and standing in his hospital room. In some ways, she looked the same as that night so many lifetimes ago. Her hair was still golden, in a ponytail with her face framed by the same stubborn tendrils that refused to stay in place. He did not think it was possible, but she looked better than she did in the countless dreams he had over the years.

“Will,” she replied.

He looked better than the last time she saw him, not that that was a hard task considering that the last time she was saving his life. She saw part of the man he was now and part of the boy she loved. His hair was blonde, but the natural brown and the unruly curls were starting to show. In addition, his eyes -- in all the years that had gone by she had never seen another shade of blue that compared to his eyes.

“What are you doing here?” He finally found his voice.

She held up her stethoscope. “I work here; I don’t just wear the white coat because it’s slimming.”

“That explains why you are in the hospital, but why are you here in my room, pet?” Spike was trying hard to mask his true feelings.

“I wanted to see if you were getting better. I was worried.” She looked around the room taking in the rows of cards and flowers that decorated it. “Someone’s popular.”

“It’s kinda hard to keep a low profile me being a rock star and all.” Buffy looked into his eyes and saw someone so far from a rock star. For all the bravado and swagger, he would always be that shy boy who she had befriended all those years before.

She moved towards him. “You look like you’re healing well.” She reached out to touch his face.

Spike caught her hand and looked up into her eyes.

“I missed you.” He took her hand and kissed her palm. He tried to hide his feelings, but it was too hard. One look into her eyes and he was himself again, he was William.

“Will?” Buffy snatched her hand away. She was not going to do this again. He was not going to hurt her.

“Don’t… that’s not why I’m here. I just came to see if you were doing better and you are.”

“When did you see me?” Spike asked her.

“What?”

“You said you wanted to see if I was better. When did you see me, pet?” he asked her again.

“When you came in, I was the doctor who treated you.”

His eyes widened and then hardened as he relived the memory. “I called out to you.” He was not going to be a ponce about this. If this is how she wants to play it, then two could play this game.

“Yes, you did.” She looked into his eyes and could see the hurt within them.

“That’s just perfect, isn’t it? You see me lying on what could quite probably be my deathbed and it takes you two weeks to come and see if I’m ok? That’s the way it has to be with you. Everything has to be on Buffy’s terms.” He was angry now.

“That’s not true,” she pleaded.

“Isn’t it? Why now? What made you feel so compelled to see me after all this time?”

“I told you I wanted to see if you were ok. And to say stop looking for me.”

“Don’t flatter yourself, luv. What makes you think you’re so special?”

“Not you that’s for sure.”

Chapter 10- Teenage Boy Cliché

Buffy and Spike stared at each other. He could see her anger rising and he smiled to himself. She still had that fire inside her that he loved so much. He stood up using the bed for support. All these years all he wanted was to be with her, near her and here he was being given this second chance.

‘Don’t be William’ he told himself ‘she never loved him. Spike all the girls love Spike’

He could do that. Spike Giles after all was voted “Hottest Guy in Rock” three years running. He summoned his inner rock star and made his move.

“Now come on, we both know that’s not true.” He slid his finger down her shoulder resting it on her belt buckle.

She looked into his eyes and suddenly she was seventeen again, standing in her room looking into the eyes of the man she loved. Their bodies were pulling toward each other like magnets. His lips -- she wondered if they still felt the same as they moved towards her own.

“Tell me luv. Has anyone else made you scream like I did? Made you feel like I did?” His lips were barely touching hers as he spoke.

He saw in his eyes desire, his blue orbs were darkened by it. Buffy suppressed a moan and closed her eyes and suddenly the memories hit her. She moved away from him.

“You’re right, Will. No one has made me feel like you did that night I went to your house and you were …” She looked away unable to look him in the eye. She took a deep breath and shook the memory from her mind.

“It wasn’t supposed to be like this. You were my friend. I trusted you. I thought you would not hurt me like all the rest. That’s the punch line to this joke, you know. If you had been a stranger, someone I did not care about, it would not have mattered, what you did, what I saw. It would not have hurt me like it did. Why Will? Why did you do it?” she asked as her tears were forming.

He had no answer. He had asked himself that question over and over again during the past 7 years. He was searching his brain for an answer as her voice snapped him from his thoughts.

“What do you think that night meant to me? A quick roll in the hay, a last hurrah before college?” she asked.

“Yes I do. That’s what you wanted. I didn’t force you to have sex with me Buffy. You asked me. None of this was my idea. You wanted me to help you out as a friend. So you weren’t the last American virgin. I was just a warm body you could practice on.” Spike was getting frustrated.

“Will, you know that’s not true. I gave you everything I had that night.” Her tears were replaced by anger now.

“No you didn’t.” He moved towards her. “You didn’t give me what I wanted.”

“What , What did you want Spike? Another go clock up a few more notches in the belt ?”

He grabbed hold of her arm partly for support and partly just to be close to her again.

Buffy shivered under his touch even after all these years her body still responded to his touch. She tried to look away but he caught her gaze.

“Buffy, that night all I wanted was to be with you for the rest of our lives. I lay there watching you sleep and planned it all out. Did you know that?”

She looked away.

“We would go to separate colleges for the first year and then I was going to transfer. After graduation, I was going to get a job as a journalist to help support you through medical school. “

“Don’t lie to me Spike not now, not after all these years I deserve more than that.”

“I’m not lying Buffy I wanted to stay, be with you I wanted to love you” Spikes voice was choked with emotion.

“Why didn’t you say so? Why did you…” She could not form the words as her tears started to spill.

“Because you hurt me, Buffy. I asked you if you loved me. You couldn’t answer.”

“I was confused! I had just made love for the first time. What did you expect -- for me to have the whole morning after etiquette down pat?” She stopped.

“You mean we had sex.” Spike questioned her. “You said we made love, but what we really did was have sex. Wasn’t that the plan? I was the practice run before the big race.” Spike sat back down on the bed dejected.

“Is that what you think happened? That I just had sex with you? Everything changed that night. I realised that ….”

She looked at him as much as she could to see the boy she loved sitting on the bed. The ache in her heart was so real that all she wanted to do was wrap herself in his arms and tell him. Tell him that no other man had made her feel like she had that night. How she wanted to be with him more than anything.

However, she could not forget the man he was now and what he had done to her that night. All the tears shed and unshed over his betrayal. She could give him her heart and he would just take it and rip it out all over again. He was not Will anymore; he was Spike Giles -- rock star.

She had made a vow never to let this happen. She was not here to declare her love; she was here to put a stop to it.

“What did you realise?” Hope welled up inside him as he waited to hear the words he had been dreaming of for so long.

“It doesn’t matter now does it? You know what? Even if I did love you, I’m glad I didn’t tell you.”

She wanted to hurt him with her words.

“I couldn’t believe it, you know. One taste of sex and you turn into every teenage boy cliché. I am surprised it only took you a week to bag another babe. Who knows, you probably had a couple in between. You had the taste for it.”

“It was a mistake. That night I was drunk. I didn’t know what I was doing.” Buffy rolled her eyes.

“As I said -- teenage boy cliché.”

“No, it wasn’t like that. We were not talking. I was going out of my mind missing you and she was there . . .” He looked down, closing his eyes and reliving the moment. “You’ve got to believe me. It was a mistake.”

“One you keep making to this very day.”

“What do you mean?” he questioned.

“How is Dru?”

The sound of Buffy’s pager broke the silence between them. She looked down at the message.

“I have to go there has been a pile up on the freeway. Its all hands on deck.” She turned to leave.

“Please don’t leave. Not now ,you just got here.” Spike knew he was pleading but he did not care.

“I have to go they need me in the ER.”

“I need you here.” She looked at him as he gripped onto the bed for support she knew he was telling the truth.

“No you don’t.” And with that she walked out the door.

Spike blinked back his tears as he layed back down on his bed and closed his eyes.

~

William opened his eyes slowly becoming aware of his surroundings. He felt the warmth of the person next to him. Buffy. She was on her side and had her arm draped across his chest. He smiled as he thought of what had led him to this place.

Looking back, he realised that he had started to fall in love with Buffy years ago. Perhaps even that first day they met. They had a connection that went beyond their common interests. She was one of the few people who saw beyond the bumbling boy that he felt he was. She accepted him as he was with the unruly curly hair, thick glasses and the bad poetry. When they were together, it was fun and natural and he did not have to worry about what to say or how to act. He could just be himself.

Thoughts of the night before drifted into his mind. Not that he had much to compare it to, but he was sure what they had experienced was more than sex. They had shared each other’s bodies. He had touched her and made her feel things that literally no one else had. Maybe she could love him.

It would not be easy at first. She was going to college half way across the country while he was studying writing at UC Sunnydale. They could make it work. Other couples did it. He could move to New York while she finished medical school. They could rent an apartment. His mind was racing at the possibilities.

Then her words reminded him. She had told him she did not love him. What they had shared the night before was not about love. It was about learning and gaining experience so that when they got to the real thing they would know what to do. Nevertheless, he had a feeling in his stomach that the real thing was laying next to him.

~

Buffy stirred half-awake, half-asleep as she snuggled into Mr. Gordo. ‘Hang on a minute. Mr Gordo is usually softer than this and not quite as warm and not breathing.’ She opened her eyes as she remembered the night before.

She blinked a couple of times to gain focus as she stared into his eyes. As she did, his other features came into focus. His lips -- had they always been so full and soft? The way his lips felt as they caressed her; the taste of sweetness of his lips as they kissed. As she stared at his lips, her body seemed to move of its own volition as if it knew what she wanted. She licked her lips in anticipation. The butterflies were starting an all too familiar dance in her stomach. Her mind was trying to focus but her body was yielding to its desires. She wanted this, the closeness, the feelings Will had stirred up in her. She wanted more. Nothing else mattered. She wanted him to take her, hold her, and kiss away all the fears inside her.

Is this what it feels like to be in love? Buffy stiffened and pulled away from Will.

“Are you okay pet?”

Love. She was in love with Will. This was not good, not part of the plan. She was supposed to have sex so she knew what to do when she was in love. She was not supposed to fall in love.

She looked over at Will. His hair was all messy from sleep and his face had some crinkle lines from his pillow. He had never looked so beautiful. Why had she not noticed before? She was not blind. In the eight years, they had been friends they had shared almost everything together. Why had she not seen his beauty? ‘Maybe because you had never seen him naked before.’ She blushed at the thought. The things they did, said, felt. All she wanted to do was curl back into his arms.

However, he did not love her. This was not about love. She had made sure of that. Why was she so stupid? She had made the rules of this arrangement. Sex, no love. She could not change the rules half way through. It would not be fair to him. No matter how much she wanted to.

“Buffy, what’s wrong?” He moved towards her gently holding her shoulders trying to catch her gaze. “Did I hurt you?”

She could see the concern all over Will’s face. Had he hurt her? No, she had hurt herself. The tears started to spill as the realisation hit her.

“No you didn’t hurt me, Will. I was just startled, that’s all.” She wiped the tears from her cheeks. “Not everyday you wake up with a person in your bed.”

“No, I guess not.” Will moved back to his side of the bed slowly becoming aware that they were both naked. He looked around the room trying to distract himself from the naked Buffy in front of him.

“So I guess this is the awkward morning after I hear so much about.” She broke the silence.

“That would be it pet.” Will got up and started to collect his clothes off the floor.

“You’re leaving?” Her question sounded more like a plea to stay.

“Yeah, well I can’t lie around in bed all day, can I?” He was trying to make his statement sound like a question. All he wanted was for her to say yes.

“I guess not. We both got what we came for.” She tried to hide her pain behind the words.

“Did we?” He stared at her trying to see some kind of sign that she felt the same as he. “Did you get what you wanted Buffy?”

“Yes. I guess I did. Now I will know what to do when I, um …” She could not find the words.

“Fall in love,” he finished her sentence.

“Yeah. When it happens, I will know.” She knew she knew right then how it felt to be in love.

“So it didn’t happen last night then?” he asked.

She was torn. Her heart wanted to scream yes I love you. Nevertheless, her head was telling her otherwise. Why was he asking her this? Did he want another go? She could not change the rules no matter how much she wanted to.

“No.”

“Well I am glad I could be of assistance.” He moved towards her. Just one kiss. Maybe if he kissed her she would feel it.

“Well, if the moans and groans were anything to go off, you assisted real good.” She tried to laugh but it caught in her throat as he approached.

“Buffy. Do you love me?”

Spike sat looking out the window, wishing that Tara had not taken his last pack of cigarettes. He needed to calm his nerves.

It was times like this that he wished his hospital room had a mini bar. He could really go for some Jack Daniels right about now. Nevertheless, he could not drink, he could not smoke; he could not even walk now. He could not shag -- not that some of the nurses had not given him the chance. He laughed at the thought, since it was shagging that got him into trouble in the first place.

~
Willies bar wasn’t on the good side of town in fact it wasn’t even on the good side of the bad part of town but it was the only bar in Sunnydale that didn’t card. A fact William was using to his full advantage.

He sat at the bar downing his umpteenth shot of whiskey. The taste wasn’t so bad once you got used to it. He didn’t know if he had got used to the taste or he had drunk so much he had burnt the taste buds off his tongue.

But one thing was for sure with every shot things became so much clearer to him.

He hadn’t spoken to Buffy since he left her room. He had tried to act casual careful not to show what her rejection had done to him. But his heart felt broken. Buffy was his best friend she knew him better than he knew himself sometimes. They had always said no matter what they would be there for each other. But when push came to shove. She treated him like everyone else had, like the loser he felt deep down that he was.

“If she couldn’t love me then who can?” he laughed at his own words ‘what a ponce, what has she done to me?” He closed his eyes as the room started to spin.

“I can my dark prince , I can.”

When he opened them he saw her.

~

“Hello, Spike.” He turned to see his dark princess.

“Dru,” She moved over to the window.

“You’re surrounded by Sunshine,” she looked worriedly at him.

“Well that’s what happens when you sit by the window, pet.” He reached out to her and pulled her into his lap.

“Not the sun, my Spike. You’re surrounded by your Sunshine. She’s all around you.” Spike looked at her and pulled her closer.

“Pet, I don’t know what you’re on about. I’ve missed you.” He leaned in to try to kiss her.

Dru jumped up. “Lies don’t suit you, Spike. She was here in this room.”

“Who was here, luv?” His stomach churned as he realised who she was talking about.

“Buffy.” He looked down so his face would not give away what his heart felt.

“I told her not to see you,” her voice hardened.

“What do you mean you told her? You knew she was here?” He was getting angry now. “Why didn’t you tell me? I had a right to know.”

“Why? Why do you have the right? She does not love you. You know that she has never told you. However, I do Spike. My love, my passion made you into what you are today. You would be nothing without me. Would you throw that all away on a stupid school boy crush over some one-night stand?” She was angry now.

“Don’t talk about Buffy like that. She doesn’t deserve it.”

“Neither do I. Listen to me. No one has ever loved you as I have, Spike. I saw the man you could be all those years ago -- the passion and the desire bursting to get out.” She moved back toward him. “I found you, Spike. I made you. You belong to me.”

He looked up at her. She was right. Dru had made him from that first night she found him drunk as a lord at the local bar. He was hers.

“I know.” He reached for her and kissed her deeply.

~

Buffy pounded the punching bag repeatedly. With each hit, she felt her tension release. Seeing Spike had been hard, but it had not given her the closure she needed.

‘I am better than this,’ she thought to herself. ‘I don’t need Spike Giles in my life to make me happy.’ With that, she started pounding away again.

“Buffy. Hey.” Tara entered the gym.

“Tara. How are things?” She stopped the punching.

“Good, just about to have another therapy session with Spike.” She placed her folders down on the bench.

“Oh.” Her face fell. “Is he meeting you here?” She picked up her drink bottle and took a sip.

“Yeah, he’s a bit late. You know, rock stars are always on their own schedule.”

“Yeah, and we the little people have to fit in,” she replied.

“But, you know him, don’t you?” Tara asked.

Buffy sighed. “What did Willow tell you?”

“Not much. She said it wasn’t her tale to tell.”

“We went to school together, best friends …” she started.

“You’re the girl!” All the pieces fit together in Tara’s mind.

“What am I?” Buffy looked at her puzzled.

“Spike was telling me about his past. Who he was, he mentioned his best friend during high school. It was you.”

“That it was.” She turned and started packing up her bag. “We were different people back then. Everything was much simpler. Then I went and complicated it.”

“How?”

“How do you think most male-female friendships get complicated?” She raised her eyebrows.

“Did he try to...?” Tara tried to find the right words.

“No. Will, I mean, Spike, wouldn’t have touched a hair on my head. I asked him to …” She looked around the room trying to express her thoughts.

“I was young and naïve, you know. I just wanted to have sex with someone on my own terms, you know. I wanted the experience, not the emotions. I thought if I slept with him it would be like that. We could help each other out. That’s what friends are for. I didn’t love him, it made things easier…” She was trying to convince herself.

“But you did,” Tara added.

“Yeah, I did. I loved him so much that night and every night since,” she replied.

“Don’t you think its time to tell him that?”

“Yeah, I think it is.” She picked up her bag and made her way to his room.

~

Spike’s hand roughly caressed Dru’s breast. He smiled to himself as she moaned in response. ‘This is all I need. Dam Buffy. Dru loves me.’ He let his hand slip down to lift the hem of her skirt as he shook all images of Buffy from his mind.

~

Buffy stood at the doorway of Spike’s room watching him and Dru kiss. The sense of deja vu was overwhelming. ‘Every time I go to tell him my feelings this happens.’ She felt as if the world was trying to tell her something. It was telling her to move on. She turned to walk away and ran into another person.

“Oh, I’m sorry.” She looked up. “Hey Riley, I didn’t see you there.”

“Obviously,” he grinned. He was glad he ran into her. He had been trying to pluck up the courage to ask her out.

As she looked at Riley, she knew that the universe was giving her a cosmic shove in the right direction.

“So Riley, you want go out with me on Saturday?”

Buffy smoothed her skirt as she rode in the elevator. Dressing for her date had not been easy. She had a few dates in college, but not since she started her internship. It had been all work and no play for Buffy. After countless outfit changes she settled on a black knee length skirt with a red chiffon shirt. Outfit dramas aside. She was starting to regret asking Riley out for a date. Ever since she did, he kept calling her checking and double checking on the arrangements. He asked if she could meet him at the hospital after his shift. She tried to get out of it. She wanted to stay as far away from the hospital when she was not working, but Riley insisted.

She hopped out the elevator and made her way to the nurse’s station to meet Riley when she heard music coming from Spike’s room.

“What is that?” She asked the nurse behind the desk.

“He plays every night, sometimes the same song over and over,” the nurse replied.

“Surely the other patients are disrupted by it.” Buffy was annoyed.

“No, he asked the whole ward personally. No one said no to him.”

“They usually don’t,” Buffy rolled her eyes. “Disruption or not, it’s against hospital policy and I am going to put a stop to it.”

When she arrived at his door she stopped, he was sitting on his bed with his back to her. She stood there listening to his words.


My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that, I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

Yeah, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that, I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.

When he finished the song, she knew whom the song was about.

As he strummed the last cords, she spoke.

“You can’t do that in here.”

Spike was surprised as the subject of the song was standing in his doorway.

“Hello love”

She stood like a vision before him; her hair was out of its usual ponytail. He could see she had taken time to straighten it. Her face had a little more make up than usual on it.

“A little over dressed for work don’t you think?” Spike leered.

“I’m not here to work, I’m meeting a friend,” she crossed her arms.

“Really thought you would pop in and reminisce about old times then?” He sat his guitar down and sat back up on the bed.

“The song do you like it...” he started sounding hopeful.

“You can’t play it here. The sign out front says hospital not recording studio, Spike.” She turned to leave.

“You didn’t answer the question. The song, do you like it?” He tried to keep the insecurity out of his voice.

She turned and looked him in the eye. “Yes I liked it, but it doesn’t matter what I like.”

Spike laughed at that statement. “You mustn’t be a fan of the band love. If you were, you would hear yourself all over my songs.” He moved off the bed and limped towards her.

“I only hear them on the radio and even then I usually change the channel.”

“That’s a shame pet, if you had listened you would know how much it matters to me” He was so close she could feel his breath on her cheek. “Buffy after all these years its still all about you.” He whispered in her ear.

She looked up at him trying not to show the effect his closeness was having on her. “You don’t mean that.” She replied.

“Damn it Buffy, I am sick and tired of you telling me what I do and don’t mean. You did it to me all those years ago. I’m not letting you get away with it again.”

“What happened, it was for the best.” Buffy replied. “If I had told you, you would have stayed and missed out on the life you have now. Would you really want to change all that?”

“Told me what Buffy?” His eyes were pleading for the truth.

“You know what.”

“Tell me. I think I’m at least owed that.”

She pushed him away, angry at his words.

“What you’re owed could fit on a postage stamp Spike. From where I stand, you got the sweet end of the deal. You have sex with me, then full of bravado you pick up Dru from god knows where and start fucking her and you never stopped. You’re still doing it. I saw you the other day in this room. How do you think it makes me feel Spike? All these years you stayed with some random one-night stand. But me, your best friend, you could not even wait 24 hours. Then to tell me that I owe you. That’s rich.”

“Don’t turn this around on me, I asked you. Plain and simple, ‘Do you love me’ and you answered ‘No’. What was I supposed to do? Hang around and let the rejection marinate for a few days. Even now, you can’t tell me. Dru, she saw the man I could be and at that point, in time I wanted to be anyone else but William. Don’t you see, you didn’t love William, so what was the point? I thought if I change, made myself better, you would see the kinda man I could be.”

“I loved the man you were Will.” It was time to tell him the truth.

“I am still that man Buffy. I could be that man if you let me,” he moved towards her. He had her; she was going to be his again.

Buffy wanted to let all rational thought leave her when she looked into those eyes. ‘Could he be that man? What about the past 7 years with Dru, could she get past it?’ The questions kept swimming around as they looked at each other.

“Ready to go Buffy?” Riley’s voice broke them from their thoughts. “Mr. Giles, good to see that physical therapy is doing well for you.” He pulled a bouquet of roses from behind his back and presented them to Buffy.

“Lovely flowers for a lovely lady.”

“Thanks Riley.” Buffy suddenly felt uncomfortable under Spike’s gaze.

“We had better get going Riley. Night Spike,” she took hold of Riley’s arm and walked out of the room.

Buffy sat across from Riley at the Italian restaurant he picked for their date. She had only ordered pasta in a vain attempt to speed the evening up. However, all thoughts of speed dating fled her mind as Riley order an entrée, a main course and a desert. As he continued to go on and on, she was only listening to every third word he said and was trying to look like she had his full attention. However, he did not; her thoughts were with Spike.

~

As she made her way to William's house, Buffy went over her speech repeatedly. It had almost been a week since they had made love and they had not spoken since. She had not meant to leave it so long. It was just she needed time to gather her thoughts. She wanted to make sure she had not confused her feelings towards having sex with William with falling in love with William.

She had been over and over it in her mind and her conclusion was pure and simple. She loved William Giles with all her heart. The sex had been a bonus. It had happened slowly, but in the end, it was him, the shy boy with a poet's heart that she loved. Now came the hard part, telling him.

As she stood at the front door, she could see that the lights were off and no one was home. She thought to herself ‘I might surprise him’ as she started to make her way to the back door.

~

William was glad no one was home. His head was still spinning. Not one hour ago, he was sitting at Willie’s drowning his sorrows. Now here he was in his bed with a woman.

He was surprised that he could remember where he lived considering just how drunk he was. The cab ride home was hazy, but as he lay there with Dru undressing him, things started to become somewhat clearer.

“Kiss me.” Dru demanded.

Her kiss was different to Buffy’s hungry kiss, as though she was searching for something only he could give. The room was spinning out of control, he did not know if it was the effects of the alcohol or her desire for him. It was a drug to him. To feel wanted, needed things he could not get from Buffy.

Dru rolled William onto his back.

“You are surrounded by sunshine. It’s not good for you. Come with me into the darkness. I promise I won’t let you go.”

With that, she unbuttoned his jeans and released his cock from its confines. Then she sank down on it.

“That’s it my Spike. I’m yours now and you’re mine. Always mine.”

William felt the spinning stop as he felt Dru’s heat surround his cock. His eyes snapped open as he realised what he was doing. For a fraction of a second, he felt the urge to push her off. It was not her place. He wanted Buffy. ‘But she doesn’t want you, you ponce.’ Who was he to argue with the women currently riding him into oblivion as she whispered words he only dreamed he would hear. Sure, the right person did not say them. However, Buffy would never say them to him. She had told him as much.

Something inside William snapped, the realisation that he would never have what his heart truly wanted. In addition, what was happening now was not a bad second prize. He grabbed Dru by the hips flipping her onto her back and started thrusting.

“Yes, love. I’m yours, only yours. Never had it as good as you.” He increased his speed; his release was close. “I love you.”

He looked down at Dru, as she went to kiss him; he noticed something out of the corner of his eye, something backing away from the door.

“Buffy.”

~

Spike was asleep when she walked back into the room. She had politely excused herself from her date, telling Riley she had some pressing matters back at the hospital she had to attend to. She was not lying. Her pressing matter was lying in front of her.

She did not wake him. He looked so peaceful. She could see the shy poet she fell in love with all those years ago. She smiled as she remembered the time they had dared each other to fit as many spoonfuls of ice cream they could in their mouths. The ice cream headache had lasted for hours.

She pulled up a chair beside the bed and held his hand. He always interrupted her when he was awake, maybe she could get a word in while he was asleep.

“I was angry Will. For such a long time seeing you in bed with Dru, doing those things, saying the things you said. It hurt me more than anything else has since. Therefore, it was easy you know to be the one in the right. I did not cheat. I did not sleep with someone else. I did not tell someone that I loved him or her. With all the anger I had seeing you do those things, hearing you say the things you said. It rather pushed what I did into the background. I could not see the whole picture, you know. It just became about your betrayal. Being angry at you was a good way for me not to face what I had done.”

She continued to stroke his hand as though it would be the last form of contact she would have with him as she felt the tears well in her eyes.

“But, it was my fault. You did not cheat on me. We were not together. You did not owe me any kind of allegiance and that’s my fault. I loved you. I fell in love with you that night. The next morning all I wanted was to fall into your arms and never let go. Nevertheless, I could not change the rules. It was not fair to you. You did not ask to sleep with me. I asked you. It seemed unfair to ask you to start a relationship as well. No matter how much I wanted it.”

She stood up and kissed him ever so slightly on the lips pausing shortly as if to commit the moment to memory.

“I’m sorry Will. I am so sorry. For being angry with you, for blaming you when really, I was angry with myself. You did not do anything wrong. It was me. I was the coward. I hope one day you can forgive me for being so horrible to you.”

She turned to walk out the door as her hand started to slip from his.

“I forgive you Buffy,” Spike whispered as she walked out the door.

“But can I forgive myself…”

Tara observed a noticeable change in Spike’s demeanour. Today’s therapy session had not started with its usual ten minute sweet-talk to try to get out of the session. Tara almost fell over when she suggested doing weights and he did not even flinch. She could tell that while he was here in the training room physically, mentally he was in another place altogether.

As Spike lifted the dumbbell for his second repetition, he kept replaying the previous night’s events in his head. Buffy’s confession of sorts had sent him spinning. How did it all get so screwed up?

“Spike, Spike?” Tara snapped him from his thoughts.

“What?” he replied.

“We’re done with the weights. Any more and you will give Big Arnie a run for his money.” Spike laughed at the thought.

“I don’t think I am going to be Governor anytime soon, pet. The rate I am going I will be lucky to be a kindergarten teacher.” He dropped his arms to the side.

“Are you ok Spike? You seem a little preoccupied.”

“Am I that transparent?” he raised an eyebrow.

“Not really I just have a knack for reading people. It’s what makes me good at my job.” She took the dumbbells off him and sat them down on the bench.

“I suppose it is. Do you believe in fate?” Tara looked up as she grabbed the physio ball for him to sit on.

“I guess so. I believe that everything happens for a reason.” She motioned for him to sit. She steadied him as he tried to gain his balance.

“What about things happening at the right time? Do you think everything happens at the time it’s supposed to?” It was the thought that had kept him up since Buffy left his room last night.

“I am not quite sure what you mean?” She took Spikes arms and helped him stretch them over his head.

“Was it supposed to happen this way? If I had not of gotten drunk that night, I would never meet Dru, you know and without Dru, I would not have the band. And the band is everything to me. It made me into the man I am today.” He was trying to work it out for himself more than telling Tara.

“Did you need to be made?” she asked.

“I don’t quite understand what you mean pet.”

“You said Dru made you what you are today. Were you something else before her? What did she do?” Tara stretched his forearms.

“I don’t know really. It all happened so fast. One minute I was in a bar and the next she was my life. I didn’t really have anyone else, so it seemed ok to go along with it. When she looked at me, I could see I hung the stars for her. You know? Am I a bad person to want that? To want the love and admiration?”

“No, that’s what everyone wants. Did she hang the stars for you?”

“No she didn’t.”

“Well I think that’s the problem right there.”

“I guess it is. I have spent the last couple of years feeling like an impostor. Like I was always one-step away from being found out. I’m no rock star. I’m just a guy who can write a song and carry a tune.”

“I’ve seen you perform Spike. The leather, the swagger the hair and where do I start with the look?”

“What look?” Spike had no idea what she was talking about.

“You know?” Tara did her best impersonation of Spike's leer that had been plastered on so many of his albums and tour posters. “The look.”

Spike laughed so hard he almost fell off the ball. Tara steadied him.

“The look was taught to me by our first stylist Lorne. The rest of it is just window dressings. When Dru found me in the bar, I wanted to be anyone else. To be someone she could love.”

“Dru, you wanted to be someone who Dru could love?” Tara asked.

“No not Dru.” Spike was lost in his memories of last night again. The way her hand had felt in his. The way she shivered under his touch.

“Buffy,” Spike looked up upon hearing Tara’s words.

“Tara, hey.”

She looked as good as she looked on her date. As she stood there in her sweats, she looked just as, if not more beautiful. He felt all the air leave the room.

“Sorry, I didn’t realise you were with someone.” She realised who she was with when she finished.

“Hello Spike,” he could tell from her tone that she was not at all that pleased to see him. “Look I will come back later,” she turned to leave.

“No, you can stay. We are almost done. Aren’t we Spike? Spike?” He knew he was staring at her, but he could not help it, one look at her and he turns back to nerdy William.

“Yeah, sure.” He looked away embarrassed that he had been staring at her so blatantly.

Tara helped him onto the floor to start the stretches. She took Spike’s left leg and helped him raise it to stretch. Buffy went to the punching bag and started her work out. Spike watched her from the corner of his eye. She focused completely on the task in front of her. It was that focus that Spike suspected made her a good doctor. Not that he had seen her in action. The one time he was treated by her, he did not have all his senses with him.

All the pieces fell into place for Spike while he watched her. He knew what he had to do. He had to stop running. It was time to be found out.

He was not Spike Giles Rock Star. He was William Giles plain and simple. Who was in love with the girl standing in front of him currently beating the punching bag to a pulp.

It was not going to be easy transitioning into the man he wanted to be, but he knew what the first step was.

“Tara, can we stop for a minute?” Tara looked up. “There is something I need to do. Can you help me up?”

“Sure,” Tara helped him up onto his slightly unsteady feet.

He limped his way over to Buffy and tapped her on the shoulder. She span around angry that someone had dared interrupted her. He saw her eyes soften as she realised it was him.

“I’m sorry Buffy,” his words were softly spoken and unsure.

“That’s ok Spike, I tend to zone out. You just startled me, that’s all.” She turned back to the bag.

He grabbed her shoulders to stop her from turning around.

“No, I’m not sorry about that. I’m sorry for that night, for what I did to you, for what you saw.”

He could see she was more than a little bit uncomfortable. He tucked the stray piece of hair behind her ear like he did so many years ago.

“But, what I am most sorry for is not telling you. All these years I was angry with you for not saying it. I am just as guilty.”

Frozen to the spot for the first time since she had seen Spike in the hospital, he was acting like the William she knew. She could see him coming closer and closer. However, the feeling of his lips on hers still took her by surprise.

“I love you Buffy.”

She knew.

On some level, Dru had always known. She always had a gift of sorts, to be able to see a person’s true nature. Most of the time it was a blessing, it helped her push people’s buttons, manipulate them into doing her will. However, sometimes it was a curse.

It was with her gift that saw the man Spike could be all those years ago in Willie’s Bar. Ironically, it was the same sense that told her that he did not love her as well.


At first, it did not matter that she did not have his heart. She had every other part of him at her will. She had chipped away at the man he was and replaced it with the one who she wanted him to be. Buffy had helped with that, he had told her the completely silly tale after she had ran out of the room. Right then, she knew she had the ammunition to change him. She played to the fact that Buffy did not love him as he was. Therefore, she changed him into someone else.

She knew her influence was major, but not the only one in his life. Buffy was always there in the background. Dru knew the songs he wrote were not about her. Well, the love ones at least. Songs about lust passion and desire she was sure they were about her. She did not care if the songs were about her, Buffy or his aunt Mary. All that mattered was that they were hits, which made them all rich. Even though she did not have his heart, she was the one that reaped the benefits from it.

As she watched the scene in the gym play out before her, she needed no such gift to know what was happening.

~

Buffy pulled back abruptly from his kiss.

"Don’t Spike," she moved away from him.

"What are you doing? Did you think you could just walk in here and say a few nice things and then be with me?" Her words stung him.

"No. I would never presume not after." He looked up at her knowing he did not have to finish the sentence.

"It’s just that I’m tired Buffy. Tired of all the lies and deception. I just want to be me again." His shoulders sagged as he sat down on the gym bench.

"I worked so hard all these years to be whatever I needed to be. In order to get what I needed to get. I thought if I changed, it would be enough. What I wouldn’t have done to be hers."

Buffy’s heart ached at his words. She turned to storm out.

"I don’t need to hear about what you did to get Dru. What kind of sick game are you playing at Spike? You tell me that you love me, and then proceed to give me a rundown of your seduction of Dru. I am better than this."

His words stopped her in her tracks.

"Yours, I wanted to be yours. At the start, I wanted to be the man you wanted. You didn’t want me, so I thought if I became the opposite. You would love me as much as l loved you. I kept trying to find you to show you the kind of man I had become."

He had not meant his explanation to sound so desperate. Nevertheless, the truth had been bottled within him for so long that he could not stop it from all spilling out at once.

"And what was Dru? Did you really think I would just forget about you two?"

"I can’t say she was a mistake. In some ways, I wouldn’t be here without her. However, I can say I did the wrong thing. I used her for all the wrong reasons. She gave me what I wanted, the love, passion and desire. But, I didn’t want them from her. I wanted them from you."

"I don’t know if I can give them to you Spike. Not after all this time, after all that’s been said and done." Her heart felt like it was breaking all over again.

"I know. I don’t say these things to make you feel for me. I say them because they are true. I am sick of lying. All these years I felt like an impostor. That I was always one-step away from being found out. It never felt right. I thought if I kept running from the truth it would be okay. When I am with you, it feels right. The truth feels right."

He let out the breath he had no idea he was holding.

Buffy took in his words. "I know what you mean. I guess the truth feels right because it is." She stepped towards him. "I have spent so long being angry. Too long. Its time to move on."

"What does that mean Buffy?" She sat down beside him on the bench. "How do we move on?"

He moved his hand and took hers in his. His heart soared, as she did not snatch it away.

"I don’t know." She sighed.

Buffy looked down at their entwined hands. Spike was right; the truth did feel right. Her body shivered as he gently stroked her with his thumb. As if of its own accord, she leant into him and rested against him.

Spike chuckled. She looked up him questioningly.

"Do you remember the time we dared each other to eat three tubs of ice cream?"

"Remember, I still have the cold headache from it." She smiled at the memory.

"Maybe that’s what we should do then." He raised his brow.

"What eat gallons of ice cream?" She laughed at the thought.

"Tempting, but no. We were friends once Spike, before all this mess started. Perhaps that is what we should be now. Friends."

"I will on one condition?"

She frowned at his response. She wanted there simple friendship and he wanted to set terms and conditions. She rolled her eyes and got up from the bench.

"You say you want the truth but you want it on your terms. Gee Spike I don’t think this is going to work." She started for the door.

"William," she stopped in her tracks. "Please call me Will. Spike, he is a lie. Will is who I am. Will is your friend, was always there for you. Can I be that again please?"

She turned and looked at the man sitting before her. In so many ways, he was still the boy on her bed all those years ago.

"Yes Will. You can be that again."

Spike sat up in his hospital bed, he should be feeling drained between the heavy physio session and the even heavier heart to heart with Buffy. Instead, he felt better than he had in ages. He had not realised how much effort it had been pretending to be something he was not.

There was only one reason for it.

“Dru,” he looked over at his dark princess in the doorway.

So much had passed between them over the years and as easy at it would have been to right them all off as a mistake. He knew it was not the case.

“You look better,” Dru made her way to the bed to get a closer look.

“Yeah, that’s what clean living and a dose of daily physical therapy will do for you.”

She sat on the bed and ran her hand down the side of his face.

“That’s not the reason. The truth, it suits you,” he shifted uncomfortably in the bed. He hated her ability to read him at times.

“Dru,” he started.

“I would say that I let you go. But that implies you were mine to begin with.” She stared into the distance, unable to look him in the eye.

He had seen many expressions cross Dru’s face in his time. However, never before had he seen such sadness. It pained him to be the cause of it.

“I’m sorry,” he took her hand and held it in his own.

“Are you sorry Spike? For all the things I did for you, to you?” the sadness was giving way to anger now.

“I am not sorry. What we had, it was good, and it worked well for us. I don’t regret our time, love,” he meant the words.

“Lets not pretend Spike, I might be a lot of things to you, but I am not your love. Never have been, have I?” the question hung in the air.

“No,” he struggled to find the right words.

“All the success was mine. I made you.”

“I know and I am forever grateful for that Dru. You were my salvation.”

“But, you are lost to me. She has taken you away; she took you away the night she ran from your room.” They both knew it was the truth.

He wanted to lie and say that he loved her to make things simpler, not for him but for Dru. Nevertheless, as much as Buffy deserved the truth, Dru deserved it more.

“Yes, she took away my heart. But, you did have me Dru; for a while you did have me.”

Dru stood up to leave.

“Without me you would be nothing.” Her voice was cold.

“I know that, but the thing is Dru, without her I am nothing.”

~

As Buffy opened the door to her apartment, she heard her machine click on.

“Buffy here, leave it after the beep.”

“Hey Buffster, its Willow. Just calling to say hi and well, Tara sort of told me what happened in the gym. Are you okay? Call me.”

She let the machine get it, talking to Willow would help, but she needed time to figure out the day.

She was okay, better than okay. Since she had spoken to Will today, she had felt the weight of their broken friendship lift from her shoulders.

It felt good to be friends with Will again. Like a piece of her that had been missing for so long had been found. It gave her the strength to do what she had put off for years.

She had never heard one of his songs, with the exception of the other night in the ward. She wore it like a badge of honour, one of only a handful of people in the country that had not heard his music.

At first, it had been too hard. To hear the voice that had whispered sonnets sing about life love and what not. Things that he had shared with only her were now Top 40 hits.

On the way home, she had stopped at HMV and bought a best of album, “The Quickest Way to Play Catch Up”. She felt she needed to know about his past in order to move onto the future.

After she had showered and changed into her pyjamas, she poured herself a glass of red wine and with shaky hands, she placed the CD into the stereo.

As she sat down on the sofa, his voice filled the room as if he was sitting next to her.


I've hardly been outside my room in days,
'cause I don't feel that I deserve the sunshine's rays.
The darkness helped until the whiskey wore away,
and it was then I realized the conscience never fades.
When you're young you have this image of your life:
that you'll be scrupulous and one day even make a life.
And you make boundaries you'd never dream to cross,
and if you happen to you wake completely lost.
But I will fight for you, be sure that
I will fight until we're the special two once again.


And we will only need each other, we'll bleed together,
our hands will not be taught to hold another's,
'cause we're the special two.
And we could only see each other, we'll breathe together,
these arms will not be taught to need another's,
'cause we're the special two.


I remember someone old once said to me:
"that lies will lock you up with truth the only key."
But I was comfortable and warm inside my shell,
and couldn't see this place could soon become my hell.
So is it better to tell and hurt or lie to save their face?
Well I guess the answer is don't do it in the first place.
I know I'm not deserving of your trust from you right now,
but if by chance you change your mind you know I will not
let you down 'cause we were the special two, and will be again.


And we will only need each other, we'll bleed together,
our hands will not be taught to hold another's,
'cause we're the special two.
And we could only see each other, we'll breathe together,
these arms will not be taught to need another's,
'cause we're the special two.


I step outside my mind's eye's for a minute.
And I look over me like a doctor looking for disease,
or something that could ease the pain.
But nothing cures the hurt you bring on by yourself,
just remembering, just remembering how we were...


When we would only need each other, we'd bleed together,
these hands would not be taught to hold another's,
we we're the special two.
And we could only see each other, we'd bleed together,
these arms will not be taught to need another's,
'cause we're the special two.


The tears she did not even know she was shedding flowed as the song finished.

“Yes Will, we are the special two.”

Spike sat on the bed scribbling furiously away as if the words would vanish from his head if he did not write them down. His hair had grown; it was longer than it had been in ages. The blonde that used to cover his head now framed it like a halo. Hair stylists were not a big priority in a hospital. His glasses sat crookedly on the tip of his nose. Buffy smiled as she watched him push them up. He had had a nervous twitch since high school. He looked as though he had left badass rocker six stops back. He looked like William. She liked it.

It took her back to high school when they would sit on each other’s beds for hours talking about everything, nothing and the space in between. Sometimes she wished they were back there on her bed solving the world’s problems. Instead of now feeling like they were both contributing to them.

“Hey you,” her words broke him from his scribbling.

“Dr. Summers, I presume.” He moved his notebook and papers off the bed.

Buffy was a little disappointed as he took off his glasses and placed them on the side table. She enjoyed the trip down memory lane that they had evoked.

“I just finished my shift, thought I would pop in and say hi.” She had not bothered changing from her hospital gear, she stood there white coat and all.

“I’m disappointed pet. I thought the get up was to indulge my long time doctor and nurse fantasy,” she blushed, as he looked truly disappointed.

“Now don’t look so disappointed, I am sure I can rustle you up a cute nurse’s uniform. Maybe even a nice nurse in it.” She half joked.

“No, doctors are more my style.” An involuntary shiver ran through her, as he looked her up and down. “All those big words and fancy terms. It’s hot.”

Buffy agreed it suddenly had gotten hot in the room. She knew this line of conversation would not lead to a good outcome. She moved to a safer subject.

“How have you been?” she asked.

“Same old same old. Breakfast, physio, lunch followed by Passions, some more physio then dinner. Feel like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day without Sonny and Cher. At least when I was getting sponge baths it added some variety to the mix. How about you love?”

She sighed as she sat on the end of the bed facing him. Her body visibly relaxed as she sat. It had been a long day.

“Just come off an eighteen hour shift in the ER. So, you know peachy with a side of keen.”

“Wanna tell me about it?”

“You really don’t want to know about the two car accidents, four stomach pumpings and don’t get me started on the guy who ‘slipped’ in the shower and sat on a carrot.” She cringed as she relived the memory of her shift.

“Sorry I asked.”

He laughed as she swung her legs up onto the bed carefully not to nudge his broken one.

“Foot rub?”

“Thanks for the offer, but I will pass. Trust me when I say, you do not want to be near my feet after the night I’ve had.”

“You should go home love. Get some shut-eye. Don’t waste your time with the likes of me. I know how precious it is.” He tried to keep the disappointment from his voice. As much as he wanted to spend time with her, he knew she needed her rest.

“I know too.” She looked him in the eye to make sure nothing would be lost in translation.

“Time is precious, I know that. It’s why I am here, making up for lost time.” His heart warmed at her words.

He wanted to let her know that he treasured all the times they has spent together. However, he did not want to overwhelm her. She had just come back into his life; he did not want to scare her away.

“So have you finished it yet?” she asked enthusiastically.

“Nope, I was waiting for you pet.”

Spike smiled as he reached over to grab the newspapers crossword. It had become their thing. It made him feel good, not so much the doing of the crossword, but that they had something that was theirs. Something they did together that they did not do with anyone else. The pieces of the friendship that had been so strong were falling back into place. With it came the strength to put the pieces of himself back into place too.

Two hours and one crossword finished, Buffy yawned.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to be rude,” he smiled at the thought.

“Love, you have been here for over twenty hours now. I think I am the rude one for keeping you here.”

“What, did you tie me to the bed? No, I am here because I want to be here.” Visions of Buffy tied to a bed overtook his mind temporally. He shifted uncomfortably to hide his arousal.

“I should go; you need to get your rest.” Buffy noticed he looked uncomfortable, she felt bad for keeping him up so late.

“No stay, you look tired. Why don’t you lay down here for a minute and get some rest.” He moved to the side to make some more room for her.

“Wouldn’t the hospital gossips just love that?” She stood to leave as he caught her hand.

He tried to hide his disappointment at her leaving. He longed to be near her. Although he would never admit it to anyone let alone himself, he looked forward to this part of the day more than anything. He craved Buffy, to be near her, to talk to her, to hold her.

He pulled her back down onto the bed. He wrapped his arms around her. She responded in turn. They sat there revelling in the closeness of each other. Eventually she pulled back. There faces were inches apart. They looked into the other’s eyes. He leaned forward and kissed her on the cheek.

“Thank you Buffy. Thank you for this. For saving me. For forgiving me. I know I don…” She cut him off by placing her finger against his lips. He fought the urge to take it in his mouth and suck it with everything he had.

“Will don’t. What’s done is done. Time is precious; let’s not waste it on things we can not change.” She kissed him on the cheek and got up off the bed.

“Till tomorrow pet?”

“Till tomorrow Will.”

Buffy did not know when it became a habit.

Over the past two weeks, she had visited Will after her shift ended. Sometimes it when it was late, she would find him asleep on the bed with a note beside him. “Wake me when you get here.” She never did, could not bring herself to disturb his peaceful sleep.

When he was awake, she stayed for hours, catching up on the past eight years of the good, the bad and the ugly. They did stay away from two subjects, his relationship with Dru and her relationships in general.

She found out about his break up with Dru by reading it in the paper. Dru was no longer the bands manager and in the statement issued, she wished the band and all its members every success in the world.

She was glad her shift had finally ended, as she made her way to his room. She had not bothered to change from her hospital garb. She had found Will a present. He only had two more weeks of therapy to go and he was feeling better than ever. The down side to that was the boredom was driving him insane.

She had found the perfect remedy for it and as she looked at it in her hands, she could not wait to give it to him.

As she got closer to his room, she could hear the sounds of laughter coming from within. She stood at the doorway to see the rest of the band standing there. She recognised them from the CD that, not that she would admit this to anyone, was on permanent repeat on her CD player.

“Hi, I’m so glad you’re here,” Will gesture for Buffy to sit on the bed. She did not move from the doorway.

He looked happier than she had seen him in ages. He looked at home with his friends. She had grown accustomed to seeing him out of his element. It seemed strange to her to see him so at ease in his old life. She felt like an outsider looking in.

“I can see you have visitors,” she could feel every eye in the room looking her up and down. “I’ll come back tomorrow.”

“No stay, I want you to meet the band,” he could see the hesitation on her face. “Buffy, love stay.”

Will was oddly hurt at Buffy’s reluctance to stay and meet his friends. She knew she was not star struck. She had paid no interest in the band. He was used to people falling over themselves to meet him and the band. He tried to make her feel at ease. However, he could tell it was not working. Did she not want to be a part of his life? Ashamed that her friend was a lowly rock star, not some hot shot orthopaedic surgeon like the great Captain Cardboard.

“This is the infamous Buffy? No way,” the petite blonde that Buffy guessed was Anya, asked as she pushed her way through to get a closer look. She was not sure, but her hair was a different colour than it was on the CD cover. She took her hand and shook it vigorously.

“Wow, I never thought we would ever get to meet you and say thanks.” Buffy’s hand was going numb from the handshake.

“Oh well, I didn’t really do anything. I just saw him as he came into the ER its Dr. Finn you should thank he is Wi... I mean Spike’s treating doctor.” She eventually removed her hand from Anya’s grip.

“No, not for treating him silly. For being his muse,” she did not know what this girl was going on about.

“What, I don’t understand,” she looked questioningly at Will.

“Anya, back off,” he warned.

“Listen to him Anya. Hey B, hows it going?” Faith asked.

“Not too bad Faith. How are you?” she asked trying to block out the tension that was currently escalating in the room.

“Five by Five, B.”

“Spike man, you are rude, aren’t you going to introduce us to your friend?” Buffy smiled at them as if she did not know who they were.

“No need. I am fairly sure I know who you all are. Angel, hi,” she shook his hand. She walked over the last member she was yet to meet. “Xander is it?”

“Yeah, pleased to meet you.” She shook his hand. Buffy had a strange feeling that everyone was staring at her. She tried to subtly check that she did not have anything on her face.

“So what brings you here B?” Faith asked knowingly.

“Um, I was just checking Mr. Giles chart.” She moved to the end of the bed looked at the chart and started to leave.

“Pet, don’t go.”

“Its ok, you seem busy. I’ll come back tomorrow,” she tried to keep the sadness from her voice.

“To check the chart,” Anya teased.

“Um, yeah. It was nice to meet you all,” she started to leave the room.

“Who’s the present for B?” Faith stopped her.

“Um, yeah, someone left it at the nurse’s station. I thought I would save them the trip.” She did not want to reveal the real reasons behind the present to his band. She did not want to ruin his rep as a badass rocker.

She handed the present to Will.

“You don’t have to open it now or anything. It’s nothing special, probably a pair of panties from a crazed fan.” She was trying to sound casual.

“Looks like a book to me. Open it Spike, we want to see.”

Geez did that Anya chick ever shut up. She watched him as he ripped the paper off.

“Wow.” Will turned the book over carefully trying not to damage it.

“A book, how boring,” Anya interjected.

“Not just any book. It’s the first edition of Great Expectations, my favourite,” Will looked at Buffy.

“Thank you.” His gaze was causing her to blush.

“I didn’t, I just delivered it,” she lied.

“I didn’t know you could read bleach boy.” Angel teased.

“I do, very well in fact,” he never broke his gaze with Buffy.

“I guess you will have tons of time to do that on tour next month.” Xander looked up from his magazine.

“Tour?” Buffy sounded surprised. Over the past weeks, they had spoken about most things going on in their lives. Not once had he mentioned a tour.

“We are starting back our tour love. I was going to tell you, the details have only just come through.” Buffy started to back from the room. He was going again. What had she expected, for him to live in the hospital for the rest of his life?

That is when it hit her, reality. As much as Will could be himself here in the safety of the hospital, he had a life, a job. She looked at his band mates and pondered the life he lived. Tours, groupies, a new town every week, she did not belong not in that world. Not with him.

“How long?” she asked.

“Not long love. You can come visit anytime…” he started.

“How long Spike?” Hearing that name on her lips caused him to wince.

“Nine.”

“Nine weeks!”

“No love, nine months.”

Buffy knew what she was doing. She was avoiding.

It had been a week since she had found out about the tour from Will she had not seen him since then. Well, that was not entirely true. She had seen him. After her late shifts, she would go up to his room to watch him sleep. He seemed so at peace looking at him like that made her think that things were simple.

As he slept, he was just a man. A man she loved, had loved for most of her adult life. A man who made her laugh, cry and all the space in between. A man she could give herself completely to.

Nevertheless, in the cold harsh light of day, he was none of those things. He was a rock star, on the road most of the time, having the affections of most of the female population being offered to him all the time. She had nothing to offer him that could compete.

Therefore, she did not even try to. She was hiding in so many ways, not only from Will, but also from her own feelings.

Buffy knew what she was being, immature. Storming off in a huff like a three year old that does not get what they want. Refusing to speak to Will, refusing to face reality. Being safe, being a coward.

She knew if she saw him, he would explain the tour, his life and her place within it. He had a way of making things seem so simple when in reality they were so far from it.

She sighed as she walked into the staff lounge. Her shift was over; she checked her watch. Too early, to see Will. She would have a quick shower to wash the last twelve hours from her and head home. She started pulling her things from her locker.

“Miss me love?”

She turned to see Will sitting on the lounge as casual as could be. It was not fair why he was the only man in history that made pyjamas and a dressing gown look sexy. She shook the naughty thoughts she was having from her mind. So much for being safe.

“Will Hey. I was just coming up to--” She was trying to sound convincing. She failed.

“Save it Buffy, you always were the world’s worst liar.” His stare was unnerving.

“What are you doing here? It says 'Staff Only' on the door.” That’s it Buffy, the best form of defence is attack.

“That’s right isn’t it? I am just a rock star, can’t even read a door sign. Too dumb to be you friend.” He could hear the whine in his voice. He knew he was acting like a child, but damn it. She started it.

He had wanted to remain cool and aloof, not to show how much he was hurting. He was not going to let her off that easily, if she would not come to him, hell or high water he would find a way to get to her.

It had not been easy. It had taken all of his charm and energy to make it down here. With only a week left of therapy to go; he was getting stronger everyday. He had convinced the nurse on duty that he needed the exercise, but not the company of a nurse as he walked around the hospital.

He needed to see her, but she was avoiding him. At first, he thought she was just busy but by the third day, she had not come to see him; he had figured it out.

She was ashamed of him. It had all changed when she met the band. He saw her face drop as she introduced herself to them. She did not like his friends, his life and the person he had become.

“You shouldn’t be here.” Buffy crossed her arms across her chest in a subconscious way of protecting her heart from him, as though his words would penetrate through.

“Are you still talking about the staff room pet? Or are you talking about your life in general?” He tried to read her reaction to his question. He was done playing games. He had to know where they stood.

“Does it matter which?” She ran her hands through her hair in frustration.

“What do you mean Buffy? Of course it matters.” He let his hurt show through. As much as he did not want to hear the answer to the question, he knew it needed to be asked.

“Will, what we have here is temporary. We live in this bubble of crosswords and late night chats and--”

“It’s great. Some of the best times of my life I reckon,” He was not going to let her write off the last few weeks. He would fight for her, for the both of them.

“Haven’t had so much fun, since high school, since--”

“That night,” she finished his sentence.

“Do you regret what we did?” It was the question he wanted to ask her after all these years.

“Yes,” she saw the hurt cross his face. His shoulders sagged as his worst fears were realised.

“But, not in the way you think. If we hadn’t …” she searched for the right words.

“Made love,” he interjected.

“Did what we did. I would always wonder about it. Have this dream of what could have been.”

“So, the reality was a let down?”

“Just the opposite. To have shared what we did, to know how good you could have it, to have had a taste of what love is all about. Then to know you can’t ever get that back.” The tears were forming in both their eyes. “To have the reality and knowing that it can never be that way again, that’s what I regret” her tears flowed freely now.

“It doesn’t have to be that way. What we have now is great, better than great,” he had to plead their case.

“I agree but it is not real. We can’t live our lives here at this hospital. One day soon, you are going to leave and who knows when you will come back.” He could hear the anger in her voice and see the uncertainly and fear in her eyes.

That is when it hit him. He could be dumb when he worked at it. She was not ashamed of him; she was scared. Scared of her feelings for him, scared of forming a relationship that might end soon, and in typical Buffy style she was doing what she did everything she was scared, she was running away.

However, this time he would not let her run.

“Aren’t you tired pet?” he asked.

“Well yeah, I just pulled a twelve hour shift. But, that’s not the issue here.” She was trying to be strong, avoiding his gaze. She knew one look from him and all her reasoning would fade away.

“I meant tired of running, from us, this, what you feel.” He stood up using the crutches as support. As he made his way over to her, she did not attempt to move away.

“I’m not running Will. Just seeing the whole picture, one that exists out side these hospital walls.” She could be strong about this; she had too.

“Okay then, let’s have a look at the bigger picture,” he took her face in his hand and bent down and kissed her.

Chapter 21- Faraway, So Close

Buffy registered a little pain as she felt her back crash into the staff room lockers. Her focus was on Will and the kissing that was currently taking place. Her stomach filled with butterflies as he moaned into her mouth.

He was right; she was tired. Tired of being strong, fighting the attraction she had felt since high school, tired of thinking everything through. It was time to stop thinking and start feeling or in her case start being felt.

She closed her eyes and took in the sensations that he was creating within her. His mouth on hers, his tongue’s gentle caress. It was more than just physical. A part of her that had been tightly wound for years had uncurled itself in his arms. Desire sprang free. She wanted more.

All the reasons why not, were pushed to the side and she started to kiss him back. Wrapping her arms around him, she revelled in the feeling of being in his arms. Well-developed arms, those crutches had some great side effects. The benefits of which she was currently holding onto.

His hands moved from her face down to her neck. His mouth followed, placing hot wet kisses along her throat. She wanted to get closer. She wrapped her legs around his waist. Her gasp as she felt the pressure against her aroused body caught her by surprise. She had forgotten what kisses like that could stir within. All at this moment, she was feeling stirred not shaken.

“Oh Will,” she moaned.

He smiled against her neck as he heard her moans. In all the years, it was still the sweetest sound to his ears. He had dreamed of them often. Long trips in the tour bus had been filled with daydreams of Buffy, holding her, caressing her, making her moan his name. Hearing them again in person was ten times better than any dream.

Holding her, caressing her, felt like a homecoming. All the years apart, the torment was going to stop. The realisation of this almost made him weep. They had been so far way for so long, but now so close.

“You know, you are the only one who has ever called me that,” his eyes kept focusing between her eyes and her well-kissed lips. “I’m yours Buffy; always have been,” he was babbling now. He had kept his feelings for her in check for so long. Like a dam that is broken, he could not stop the flow of praises for her. He leant in and started kissing her again; afraid if he stopped the moment would be lost forever.

“I love it when you call me that,” he kept kissing down the column of her neck. “Sweetest sound in the world. My name on your lips, say it again.” He was pleading.

Not that he had to. Buffy would have recited the alphabet backwards now. As good as her mouth was with the speaking, his was just as good with the kissing. He stopped and looked at her with such passion and love combined it astounded her.

“Will,” she poured all the love she could into his name. She wanted to say more but the same fears gripped her heart.

“Buffy, it’s always been you.” He whispered in her ear. “All I have ever wanted is this. Us together.” He pulled back to look at her face flushed with desire.

“I know,” she looked away from his intense gaze.

“Me too,” he went to kiss her again. However, the pause had caused Buffy to regain her reason. No matter how good it felt, it did not change the situation they were in.

She detangled herself from Will. She felt his body tense as he pulled away from her.

He felt the sense of loss as she pushed herself away and moved across the room.

“What we want and what we can have are two different things--” she started.

“Buffy I am sick of being whacked back and forward like a rubber ball.”

“Will that’s not what I am doing,” she tried to make him see reason. Nevertheless, she looked at him and could tell he had left reason sometime ago.

“I love you.” He ran his hands through his hair in frustration. “Am I stupid to think that’s enough?”

“No, it is enough,” she sighed. “I don’t know if it’s enough for us.” She had given this some thought, countless sleepless nights running the various scenarios through her mind.

“What does that mean?”

“What am I supposed to do Will, quit my job and be a groupie? I have a life here, a career, one I have worked hard for. Am I supposed to throw it way?” She was angry now. Not at Will, even though it was directed at him. Just angry at their situation at the lives that they lived.

“No pet. I can move here, my work, I can do it anywhere,” he sounded hopeful.

“So you’re nine month tour can be done here, can it?” She raised her eyebrows.

“No of course not, but after that, I can move here, set up a studio.” He moved towards her. He took her hand and placed it over his heart. “We can do this.”

“Can we? Nine months is a long time Will, longer on the road. You know that better than I.” She moved her hand and rubbed his cheek. “The problem is Will. It’s all or nothing with us. I don’t want pieces of you. I want it all. Don’t you think we owe each other that?” She had to stay strong.

“We can have it all love. It just will take some time.” He caught her hand and held it in his own. “Buffy please, we can make this work.”

She looked into his eyes. She wanted to believe him, believe in fairy tales and happily ever after. However, she could not. She moved away from his touch.

“One day Will, you will thank me for this.”

She did not here his cry of pain as he punched the locker in front of him.

AN: *ducks heavy objects* Thanks to everyone who has reviewed and supported this story. Hopefully you will stick around for the next chapter :)

Spike looked down at the bandage on his hand and winced. It was not the pain of the injury that upset him; it was more what it represented, Buffy, her rejection of him, her leaving and not coming back.

He lay back on his bed and closed his eyes. He wanted to be anywhere but here.

He still had a week before he was to be discharged from the hospital, but it may as well have been a year to him. He just wanted to get out of here, away from her. Move on like she had.

Maybe she was right. Love was not enough for them. It had not been all those years ago. What had changed in the time between? Not much, they still loved each other and they still could not make it work.

All the questions and solutions kept swimming around his brain and everywhere he looked was another reminder of Buffy. It was suffocating him. He needed to get out and soon.

“Spike, you didn’t come to the gym today,” Tara walked into the room, her concern showing on her face. “Are you alright?”

“No, I am not alright,” he looked down at his hand. The dull ache mirroring the same feeling in his heart, “I can’t be here any more”

“Well, we could do some of our therapy outside today,” Tara offered.

“No. I have to get out of this hospital. I can’t be here, it hurts too much,” he did not attempt to fight back the tears that were flowing down his face.

Tara moved over to him and looked at his leg. “If your leg is hurting, then you need to stay.”

“No, not the leg. Not the leg. Me, I am hurting. I need to get out, move on. Away from here, away from her.” His sobs echoed around the room.

It dawned on Tara what he was talking about, Buffy. Spike had told her that they were slowly but surely patching there relationship back together. From what she could see in front of her, she could tell that it had not gone well. He looked broken. She sat next to Spike and put her arms around him.

“Please help me Tara. I just want to leave. I couldn’t bear to see her.” His voice pleading.

“It’s ok, I understand. I can talk to Dr. Finn and have him move up the discharge date as long as you get a physio to see you everyday for the next two weeks.”

Spike nodded and wiped the tears from his face.

“Thank you and not just for getting me out early but for all of it,” the relief evident on his face.

“Are you sure leaving is what you want to do?” Tara asked.

“No, I don’t want to leave. She took the choice away from me. What am I supposed to do, sit here and be loves bitch? Not me. Not any more.”

Tara got up from the bed and went to leave the room. “I will go and see Dr. Finn now.”

“Great, I will start packing my things. The sooner I am out of here, the sooner I can move on.” He opened his bedside drawer and saw the copy of “Great Expectations” that Buffy had given him the week before. It was not so much of a book, as it was a symbol of their relationship. They had met because of there love of it. She had given it to him as a gift. He held it for a long time deciding what to do with it. Both the book and their relationship. He threw the book in the bin. In that instant, he closed his heart to her.

~

She did not cry. She held it together all the way home. Made dinner, even watched the news; it was not until she was in the shower that the tears came. It was as though the water flowing from the shower gave permission for the tears to follow. She sat in the shower with the sobs echoing in the shower. She stayed there until the water turned cold.

What had she done? All the way home, she had convinced herself it was the right thing. What kind of future could they have? She did not study this hard to throw it away to be some rock star’s girlfriend. Nevertheless, Will was not some rock star in her heart and she knew that.

She stood in her room looking around it searching for something to focus on other than the pain in her heart. She lay on the bed staring at the ceiling, her head spinning with questions that she had no answers to.

As much as she would like to place the blame solely on him and the lifestyle he lead. She knew that in her heart, she was scared. She was as scared of loving and being loved, as she had been all those years ago. Except she was not seventeen any more, she was a grown women now. One that wanted to love and to be loved in return. She wanted to love him and be loved by him in return.

In that instant, she knew what she had to do.

~

Buffy broke all speed records to get back to the hospital to see him. She had practiced the speech in the car. She would plead her case, tell him how stupid and scared she had been for all these years, how she loved him, had never loved anyone else and probably never would. She would beg if she had to. She loved Will and wanted to do whatever it took to make the relationship work.

The world seemed to be on slow motion; she wanted to be there faster. Traffic lights took hours to change; the lift up to his room seemed to be on a go-slow as well. As the doors opened, she felt the butterflies fill her stomach as she walked down the corridor to his room.

When she got there, she was not met with the usual sight of Will sitting in his bed. The room was bare, all the cards and photos had been taken away. The bed itself was in the process of being stripped and remade. Buffy stood frozen to the spot trying to take in the meaning of what was before her.

“He left,” the orderly’s voice startled her.

“Oh,” was all she could say. “Was he discharge or did he check himself out?”

“Was discharged, seemed pretty happy about it to.” She kept making the bed. “I know everyone around here will miss him. Breath of fresh air he was.”

“Yeah, I guess. Did he leave a forwarding address?” She had to see him.

“Check at the nurse’s station, they could help you get in contact.”

“Thanks,” as she turned to leave the room something caught her eye. In the trash can she saw it.

“Great Expectations”, the book she had given him, the book that had helped them become friends. He had thrown it away. She picked it up and held it to her chest.

What did she expect? For him to sit and pine for days, he had moved on. It was after all what she had asked him to do. She had asked him to leave her life. And that was what he had done.

She took the book, walked out of the room, straight past the nurse’s station, and went on with her life.

Without Will, just as she had wanted it to be.

‘The more things change the more they stay the same.’ Buffy thought as she stood in her old room. She had returned to Sunnydale for a visit. After finishing her internship at the hospital, she had taken a few weeks off before she started her new position at NYU Hospital.

Her mom was more than pleased. She had not been home to visit for such a long time. She had made a huge fuss that her eldest daughter was coming home to visit and a doctor no less! As she stood in the room looking at the New Kids on the Block posters and teddy bears on the bed, she felt more like a little girl than the doctor she was.

She moved over to her vanity mirror looking at the photos that were stuck on it. She smiled to herself as the memories flooded back to her. There was one of her and Will one Halloween dressed as Tweedle-dee and Tweedle-dumb, that memory caused her to shiver. It was the other reason she had avoided coming home.

Will.

This room, her bedroom where everything had changed and could never go back. It had been eighteen months since their goodbye and she had not seen him in person since.

She had tried to move on and forget that he existed. Just like before. Throwing herself into her work and shutting herself off to the pain in her heart.

In typical Will style, he had not made it easy. The band hit it big. Really big, on every cover of a magazine big. She had seen him everywhere. He was hard to miss.

After the tour had finished, the band released their biggest album to date.

She could still recall the first time she heard the single. Driving home from work, his voice came across the radio.

So we've put an end to it this time.
I'm no longer yours and you're no longer mine.
You said this hill looks far too steep
if I'm not even sure it's me you wanna keep.
And it's been ten days without you in my reach,
and the only time I've touched you is in my sleep.

But time has changed nothing at all -
you're still the only one that feels like home.
I've tried cutting the ropes and
I let you go but you're still the only one
that feels like home.

You won't talk me into it next time,
if I'm going away your heart’s coming too.
'Cos I miss your hands I miss your face.
When I get back let's disappear without a trace.

'Cos it's been ten days without you in my reach,
and the only time I've touched you is in my sleep.

But time has changed nothing at all -
you're still the only one that feels like home.
I've tried cutting the ropes,
tried letting go but you're still the only one
that feels like home.

So tell me, did you really think...
oh tell me, did you really think
I had gone when you couldn't see me any more?
When you couldn't...

'Cos baby time has changed nothing at all -
you're still the only one that feels like home.
And I've tried cutting the ropes,
I let you go but you're still the only one
that feels like home, yeah,
you're still the only one that feels like home,
you're still the only one I've gotta love.

Her grip on the steering wheel tightened as the sobs escaped from her. Her vision blurred and she pulled over onto the side of the road, her mind was spinning.

Was that how he felt? If that was the case, then why did he leave? Why couldn’t he tell her instead of telling the whole world?

Things got much harder. The album was called “Late Night Crossword Puzzle”, it did not take Buffy long to figure out its interpretation. The single called “Ten Days” went to number one and stayed there for too many weeks to count.

The second single “Beautiful”, which he had sung to her in the hospital so long ago, went just as well. It was if he was punishing her with his music. However, she knew that was not the truth.

Then there were the awards, the Grammy’s, the MVA’s, the Billboard and American Music Awards. It seemed as though all Will had to do was turn around and someone was handing him an award. It looked as though he had everything he could ever want. However, she could tell something was missing.

One night after she got home after a late shift, she saw him being interviewed on Jay Leno. She saw him sitting on the couch looking very nervous and very handsome. The hair had gone back to its ‘natural’ platinum blonde.

He looked good. Good, but not happy.

“So Spike, tell us, the single ‘Beautiful’, is it inspired by any one in particular?”

Spike shifted nervously in his seat. Buffy would have sworn that if he were wearing his glasses that he would have pushed them up his nose.

“Yes it is Jay.” He answered.

“Wow, she must feel lucky having a song written about her.” Jay inquired.

“Wouldn’t know mate, never asked her.” His tone turned cold.

She stood up turned the TV off at that point, not wanting to hear all the details of their relationship turned into a comedy fodder.

Did she feel lucky? Not really. Heartbroken yes. Stupid for letting her fears cheat her out of a relationship that could have been so many great things.

She shook the negative thoughts from her head. They would lead to nowhere, nowhere productive anyway.

She grabbed her bag and started unpacking her bag, as she unzipped it. She pulled her copy of Great Expectations from it. Well, not so much hers, but Will’s. She could not bring herself to part with it even though he had had no such problems. She had not had a chance to read it. She had brought it on vacation in a vein attempt to get some reading done. She placed it on her bed and continued to unpack her bag.

She heard the door open. Not bothering to look up, she continued to empty her bag as she spoke.

“I’ll be down in a second mom just want to pack away my things.”

The voice she heard in response was not the one she was expecting and sent shivers down her spine.

“Hello love.”

Spike leant against the doorframe of Buffy’s bedroom. He looked around; it had not changed much since he had last been here. He wished he could say the same about himself.

She turned at the sound of his voice, her eyes widening in shock. She still looked as beautiful as she did the last time he had seen her in the hospital. Eighteen long months had passed. The tour had started and finished, the new album released and had gone multi platinum, not to mention the slew of awards. Yeah, life should be great.

“Hello Spike,” Buffy’s tone was cold.

From the outside looking in, he had it all and to a certain extent, he did. Nonetheless, he did not have her. All that he ever wanted was in this room. The room he found his love, lost his virginity, laughed, cried and loved. All he ever needed could be found in this room, "New Kids on the Block" posters and all.

He stood in the doorframe waiting for permission to enter, not wanting to overstep his mark. This made him smile. He had in so many other ways overstepped it.

The album had never meant to be about her. The songs he wrote in hospital and after he had left, was never meant for public consumption. He had written them as a way of moving through the happiness and the pain. He started playing one of the songs at the sound check on tour.

“That’s new,” Angel said as he listen to him sing the song. “It’s good; we should add it to the set tonight.”

He raised his eyebrow in response. “I don’t think so mate, this one is for personal use only,” he took his guitar off and sat it down on the amp.

“It might help.” Angel offered.

“With what?” He asked.

“Moving on.”

The words hit him like a steam train. Moving on. It was what he had to do. The album had been a way for him to work through their relationship; it was his form of therapy. He wanted to contact Buffy when it was released; give her a heads up on what was coming. However, he could not find the words. Maybe she would not know about it. The twenty weeks at the top of the album chart took care of that question, as did the swag of awards he had won.

Journalists always asked him, ‘Was the album written about anyone in particular?’ He never lied. If he owed anything to their relationship, it was the truth. He never mentioned her by name and he only spoke of her with the upmost respect and kindness.

“Come to give me my royalties check?” Buffy asked as she crossed her arms over her chest.

“So, I guess that answers the question, have you heard the new album?”

“I’m an intern in a hospital Spike, not a hermit in a cave. Yes, I heard the album.”

He looked down at his feet hoping they would help him find the words to explain his actions.

“It’s a great piece of work. You deserve everything that is happening to you.”

He looked up shocked. That was not what he was expecting.

“Are you going to stand there all day or do you need an invitation?” She asked. She turned and continued to unpack her bag.

“Didn’t know if you wanted me here,” he shifted his weight against the frame.

She looked up from her bag. “I get that. Last time we saw each other, I wasn’t exactly welcoming.”

He walked towards her. “I seem to recall there some welcoming taking place,” he smirked, as he looked her up and down. She still looked as good as ever, still stirred the same feelings within him.

“Is that what they call it these days?” She laughed, “So Spike ‘rock star’ Giles, what have you been up to?” She moved her things off the bed and sat down motioning for him to do the same.

“Don’t,” he winced as he sat down.

“Don’t what?”

“Call me Spike. I am not Spike, not here of all places.”

“Ok Will, what are you doing here?”

He looked down as he picked at her bedspread. “I saw your mom at the grocery store last week. She mentioned that you were coming home for a vacation. I thought we could catch up. It’s been a while,” he looked up and caught her gaze.

“A lifetime it seems,” she responded. “I’m a doctor now, own stethoscope and everything.”

“Your mom did mention that several times.”

Buffy rolled her eyes. “Yeah, to say she is proud of me is an understatement.”

“She is not the only one. I am proud of you too, for what it is worth.”

She reached over and placed her hand over his. “It is worth a lot to me Will. Through everything your opinion of me has always mattered.”

“I didn’t want to write about you.”

The hurt flashed across Buffy’s face.

“What I mean is, I wrote about you, us for me. It was a way for me to sort out the jumbled mess in my head. Writing it down made things clearer somehow.”

“I get that,” she nodded her head.

“The guys heard me playing one of the songs in sound check, they liked it, wanted me to add it to the play list. I didn’t want to hurt you any more, but they pressured me. Buffy, I am sorry.”

“Don’t be. Sure, I didn’t like hearing our relationship play out in song. Nevertheless, the songs are beautiful Will. You should be pleased with all your hard work. You deserve all the accolades and more.” She meant what she said.

“I tried to be happy with it all, the number one hits, the awards, but it was all tinged with sadness. To have such success through all that pain, it didn’t seem right.” She was the first person he had voiced these fears to. He knew no one else would understand it.

“You are one of the lucky ones Will. Some people go through the pain and heartache and have nothing to show for it. At least you have some good come from all the bad.”

He smiled at her words. Same old Buffy, even in the bad she saw the good.

“I missed you,” Buffy whispered.

He was shocked at her words. He was not expecting that.

“Me too,” they sat on her bed staring at each other, taking in the presence of the other. Their bodies inched towards each other slowly as if they were moving against their will.

They broke from their trance, as their mouths were inches within each other. Will stood up from the bed.

“I’m sorry,” they said in unison.

“I guess I had better get going then.” He started to move towards the door.

“Do you love me Will?” Buffy asked.

His hand stopped turning the doorknob. Not looking back at her, he said, “I never stopped.” He looked over his shoulder at her. “Buffy, you were the first women I ever loved. The only women I have ever wanted to love.”

Buffy’s heart filled with love at the words.

“It’s not enough for us remember.” He opened the door to leave.

“What if it is? What if I was wrong?”

He turned and made his way over to her.

“Don’t play with me Buffy. I may act all tough, but when it comes to you and my heart, I am as fragile as glass.” His eyes searched hers trying to see if she was playing him for a fool.

“I’m not playing you Will.” Tears welled in her eyes.

“You left me Buffy; told me our love wasn’t enough. Walked out didn’t even look back,” the hurt came crashing back in waves. “I can’t do it again.”

He turned to leave, as he did, something caught his eye. On the bed was his copy of ”Great Expectations”. The copy he had thrown out in the hospital. ‘What was it doing here?’

“Where did you get that?”

“Umm, I bought it,” Buffy searched her mind for a workable excuse.

“You came back,” the realisation hit him like a harpoon through the heart.

“You had gone,” her tone cold.

“There was no reason to stay. What about now Buffy? Is there a reason to stay now?”

Will moved towards her, “Well, is there?” He kept moving closer. He searched her face trying to find any clues as to what was going on in her mind.

“I want there to be.” Buffy answered, “But nothing has changed.”

“I know.” He reached out and cupped her cheek in his hands. She leaned in, closing her eyes while welcoming his touch. “That should tell you everything.”

“What do you mean?” She opened her eyes.

“I love you as much as I did that last night I saw you in the hospital. I tried to move on, find someone else.”

“Did you?” Buffy felt panic rise within her. Had he found someone else? Was it any of her business if he had? She was the one who had created this mess. She asked him to leave. Her fears had cheated her from being a part of his life. “Did you find someone else?”

“No!” The pain and loneliness was visible in his stare. He stepped back from her and started pacing the room.

“I would go out, talk to people, women. I would talk to them because I couldn’t talk to you. As lonely as I was, I knew I would only feel more if I found someone else. Every time I looked at them, it would remind me that I was not with you.” His tears remained unshed.

Buffy had no words; her head was swimming, trying to compute all of her feelings, as well as the ones that Will had just revealed. She rubbed her temples.

“I don’t know what to say.” She figured the truth was a good place to start.

He stopped pacing and stared out the window. “Why did you come back to the hospital room?”

She sat down on her bed and sighed.

“I made a mistake,” she whispered. She kept looking at the carpet trying to count how many squares there were on the print. She knew one look at him and she would not be able to get out of this.

“Pardon?” He asked.

“I made a mistake. That night when I got home, I realised I had made the biggest mistake in my life. But when I got there, it was too late, you had already left.” ‘23, 24, 25 squares who knew?’

“Why didn’t you track me down?” He moved over and knelt down beside her.

She picked up the book. “It was in the trash, I just figured you didn’t want to see me ever again. Not that I could blame you. It was what I thought I wanted.”

“What do you want Buffy?” His stare was unnerving. She tried to look away but was unable to.

“What I want? I don’t think I know any more. When you left the first time, all I wanted was to forget about you. Focus on my degree to become a doctor and that would be enough.” Her frustration and confusion clear in her voice.

“Is it enough Buffy?”

“I used to think so. I was travelling along fine believing that what I had in my life was great and to a certain extent it was. However, it felt like something was missing.”

“I know what you mean. Sometimes I look at my life and think what I am missing. I have done that for most of my life.” He took her hand in his.

“The only time I didn’t feel it was when I was in that hospital. Battered and broken with my career potentially on the skids and it was the happiest I have been in years.”

“Really? Why was that?”

Will chuckled at her question, “For someone with a Doctorate in Medicine you are pretty stupid. You, us, we fit together. When we are not apart of each other’s lives, we are not complete. I need you in my life Buffy.”

“What does that mean, ‘In your life’,” she asked, afraid of the answer.

“What do you want it to mean?” He asked serving the ball back into her court.

“We can’t talk in riddles here Will. I am scared.” She pulled her hand away and wrapped them around herself.

“What is there to be scared of love?”

“I am scared of needing you. For so long, I had to do it all by myself, be strong because I didn’t have the choice. Now I have the choice and I am scared of being weak. Needing someone in my life, admitting I can’t do it on my own.”

“Sometime the strongest thing we can do is ask for help. You can do all these things on your own, no question about that. You have proved it to yourself and everyone around you ten times over. The question now is why would you want to be alone, if you don’t have to?”

“I don’t have to?”

“No, you don’t, Buffy. I love you, never stopped. I went to the end of the world and back and all the space in between and you know the one thing that never changed?”

“The McDonald’s Happy Meal?” She joked.

He laughed. “Well, that and I love you. I want you and most of all I need you.”

She looked down at him kneeling on the floor and then she took in her surroundings, her room, and their sanctuary for so many years growing up. They had taken very separate and very different journeys, but had ended up in the same place. Together.

“I need you too Will,” she leant down and took his face into her hands and kissed him.

Will pulled her down onto the floor with him. Never breaking their embrace, he rolled on top of her. Kissing her senseless. She closed her eyes and took in all the sensations that were coursing through her. He was right. There was something missing when they were apart, all the pieces of her heart were fitting back into place as they kissed.

His mouth made its way down her neck as his hands started undoing her shirt. He pulled up and took her in.

“You are the most beautiful women I have ever seen.”

She blushed at the complement. She closed her eyes and waited for the kissing to recommence.

“Buffy, get up off the floor love,” when she opened her eyes, she saw Will standing over her offering his hand. Buffy felt the sting of rejection though her body.

“I can do it myself,” she pulled herself up to her feet. “I knew I couldn’t trust you j--” she was cut off by his lips on hers.

“Not telling you ‘no’ love.” He pulled back and looked her in the eyes. “When I make love to you, I want it to be right. Not some quick fumble on your bedroom floor.”

“Oh, so you still want me, just not on the floor.” The penny dropped.

“I am sure that sometime in the not so distant future I will want you on the floor, but here and now I want to make love to you in a bed.” He took her hand and led her over to her bed.

The bed they had sat and shared secrets, the same bed they had learnt about themselves, the bed where they first became lovers and not only to each other. It seemed the most natural place in the world to begin their relationship.

Can't say anything's gonna be alright
I lie here and look at you on my side
Wait for night to let the earth turn
And not take anymore
Not take anymore

When Buffy and Will had first made their way over to the bed, there was a sense of urgency between them. Their kisses were all consuming, physically conveying the emotions that were going on between them. Then things had slowed down. The urgency was replaced with to the need to savour the moment. As they undressed, kisses lingered and while they savoured each other.

Will looked down at Buffy lying on her bed. She looks as beautiful as he had ever seen her. Her body flushed with desire, her eyes filled with love. Love, he now knew was for him and him only. He ran his hand down her cheek; she turned her head and kissed his palm.

“Buffy,” he whispered not wanting to break the moment. “I love you. Ever since our first night together. You took my heart that night.”

“I love you, Will. You took my heart too. That night in this room.” She took her hand and placed it on her breast. “Love me Will.”

“I will Buffy, always.”

She giggled, “That’s good to know. However, what I meant was make love to me.” A blush crept over her face as she asked.

“I knew what you meant Buffy,” he smirked as he leant down and complied with his lady’s request.

I must have been alright in the last life
To be lying here with you
Someone in the last life
To get this second chance with you

Buffy sat on the end of her bed watching Will sleep. They had worn each other out in the best way possible. Will had drifted off to sleep with out a problem. She was having more trouble, not even the warm milk she had gotten out of bed to make and was currently drinking, seemed to be helping.

The moonlight filled the room and seemed to cast a spotlight over Will as he lay sleeping. Buffy shook her head as she thought about the journey the two of them had taken to get to this point. If only they had spoken their minds all those years before. Would they still be here? How can you know at seventeen that the first guy you sleep with will also be the man you love for the rest of your life?

They still had details to sort out. Her job, his career, still needed to be discussed. However, that is all they were now to her. Details. The things that been obstacles eighteen months ago were mere details now.

What had changed? She had. The fear that had kept her from following her heart was gone. She was tired of running from her feelings. There was only so long she could go on pretending that she did not need someone in her life. To a certain extent that was still true, she did not need someone to love her. She now wanted someone to love her.

That someone was sleeping like a baby in her bed. Without a shadow of a doubt, she loved Will Giles. The fact that the sheet that was covering his torso had slipped down, revealing his muscular body had nothing to do with it.

She finished her milk and slipped into bed beside him. Snuggling down into his arms, she closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep.

Can't say anyone's gonna be alright
We'll lie here and look at each other on our sides
Wait for night to let the earth turn
And not take anymore
Not take anymore

Will did not know how long he had been watching Buffy sleep. Time had no meaning for them in this room. They had made love too many times to count, but still not too many times to satisfy themselves. His mind drifted back to the last time they had been in this situation so many years ago. In all the time that had passed, so many things had changed. Not just to him, but to Buffy as well. The one thing that had remained a constant, unchanged, if any thing had grown stronger, was his love for her.

They had not spoken about the future; he was readying himself for the morning after jitters to kick in. He would not have a repeat of last time. He would not let her go. They had come too far to turn their backs now.


I must have been alright in the last life
To be lying here with you
Someone in the last life
To get this second chance with you

Buffy felt as though someone was watching her. She opened her eyes to discover she was right.

“Hello cutie.” She knew she was not getting out of this bed anytime soon. Just his smile caused butterflies in her stomach.

“Hey you. What ya doing?” she asked as she sat up and stretched, not feeling the sheet drop to her waist.

Will reached forward and tackled her back down onto the bed. Buffy squealed as she tried to squirm from his grasp.

“Ravishing you,” he nipped at her neck.

“Will don’t, my mom…” She tried to push him away and while her mind was willing her body to be weak.

“Took care of it,” he made his way down to her breasts.

Buffy lifted his head up.

“What do you mean you took care of it?” she asked worriedly.

“We kind of ran into each other in the bathroom.” Will blushed at the memory.

“Please tell me you were wearing something.”

“Your mom told me to tell you that you are one lucky girl,” he smirked.

“You are evil,” Buffy laughed.

“What can I say? I am the big bad, baby.”

Can't say anyone's getting out of here alive
We'll lie here and look at each other on our sides
Wait for night to let the earth turn
And wait for the signs on life to return

“Will?”

“Yes Buffy?”

“Can I ask you a question?”

They lay on Buffy’s bed after another round of lovemaking. Both had been resting taking in the silence between them.

“What happens next?” she turned on her side to face him.

“Well, I think we need to have a shower, then maybe some lunch.” Buffy punched his shoulder.

“Don’t be silly. I meant what happens next with us?” She bit her lip as the old fears and concerns crept into her mind.

“Well, tomorrow I will pack my things and move to New York. The band is taking a year’s break and even then, when we start recording again we can do it there. I am not leaving you again.” He took her face in his hand and kissed her. “You only make that kind of mistake once in your life.”

“Tomorrow, that’s a bit fast. We don’t want to rush things.” Buffy saw the hurt wash across his face.

“Buffy Summers, I won’t let your fears run our lives again if you think--” Buffy cut him off with a searing kiss. When they were both breathless, she broke the kiss.

“What I meant was stay here with me. I won’t be in New York until next week.” She laughed. “I could not last that long without you.”

“Neither could I. I love you so much Buffy. Not letting you go,” as if to emphasis his point he took her in his arms.

“I love you too. I am not going anywhere.” In her heart, she meant it.

I must have been alright in the last life
To be lying here with you
Someone in the last life
To get this second chance with you