I sighed as I paced around the training room inside the Magic Box. Giles had called a Scooby Meeting to let them know he was leaving. I bit back the tears that were threatening to fall down my face in frustration and anger over Giles. How could he leave now? After everything that had happened, everything I’d been through. From a distance I heard Dawn and Tara enter the shop and dried of my teary eyes and walked outside. It was time to be strong. Dawn was standing by the bookshelves, Tara and Anya were engaged in a thumb-wrestling fight and Giles gave a small smile when he saw me. A smile I could not respond to. I sat down on the ladder which lead up to the dark magic section and looked up as Dawn spoke.
“So whadda we got?” Dawn said and Giles looked at her.
“Sorry?”
“What kind of oogly-boogleys? Lizardy types, or, zombies, or vampires, or what?”
”There are no oogly-boogleys, Dawn.” Giles said and cleaned his glasses. We all looked up when the door opened and Willow and Xander walked in, Willow wearing Xander’s jacket.
“Thanks for the jacket. It's cold out there.”
”Not a problem, the cold only makes me stronger and more macho-like.” Xander said and they walked up to the others as Giles stood up.
“I’m glad you're here, um...” The others looked expectantly at him. I just glared. He couldn’t even get out the courage to tell them.
“I have something I really have to tell you all. Um ... I know it feels like we've been through this before-“Giles begun but I interrupted him.
”Why don't you just jump to the chase?” I stood up “Tell them that you're-“
I and the others looked surprised when the door opened again and Spike rushed in, sizzling slightly from the sunlight. He was wearing an old-fashioned brown suit with a bow-tie, and a padded hat with earflaps.
“Spike?” Giles said.
”Holy moly” Anya said and Spike rolled his eyes.
”You need to give me asylum.”
”I'll say” Xander said
“No need to get cute.” Spike said took of his hat and threw it away. “It's a disguise. Happens there's a bloke I'd rather not see just now“ Spike walked farther into the store and the others watched him in amusement. He hoped up to sit on the counter beside the cash register.
“You met him, I believe. Toothy bloke with the baby-seal breath?” Spike said to me, and I rolled my eyes. I really didn’t need him here right now.
“Nasty fellow, him. And ugly too.” Spike said, still looking at me. I wondered if he could tell I’d been crying. “He’s got a mouthful of choppers just waiting to be yanked out and worn as necklaces” Spike said.
“Well, now that we've recovered from Spike's ... sartorial humour, I'll jump to the chase. Um ... I'm headed back to England and I plan to stay ... indefinitely” Giles said and Dawn looked surprised. Giles sat down next to Anya and everyone looked surprised.
“Now? Not now, I mean, not after ... everything.” Xander said and Giles nodded.
“Yes, now.”
“For real this time? ‘Cause honest to Pete, a young shopkeeper's heart can only take so much ... I mean, not that I want you to go-“Anya started to say but I interrupted her. I had to get out of there
” I can't do this.” I said and walked quickly past them, up the stairs and towards the door.
“I just, I don't think...” I felt like all air had been pressed out of me and I couldn’t breathe.
“Buffy, listen” Willow said and I stopped, turning back. I could see that Willow was about to apologize, and I couldn’t take it anymore. If they couldn’t be responsible for what they’d done, then why apologize?
“I know this must be awful for you, and I, I'm sorry, I ... I'm so sorry for...” Willow said and I nodded impatiently.
“Sorry. Everybody's sorry. I know that you guys are just trying to help ... but it's just, it's too much. And, and I, I can't take it any more” I now had tears in my eyes and I longed for my mother to be there, to tell me that everything was gonna be okay. But she wasn’t here. She was dead and buried. “If you guys ... if you guys understood how it felt ... how it feels. It's like I'm dying inside” The tears had now found their way down my cheeks and I could barely make out the words. “You keep telling me that you’re sorry. But I’m wondering…I’m wondering what you’re sorry for. For taking me from heaven, when I was at peace, or because I’m not bouncing back as fast as I should. I’m not some stereo person for how a girl should be. I’m a human being…I have feelings like the rest of you. And…I just can’t be with you right now”
I turned around and ran outside the magic box and out on the street. I didn’t stop running, not even when my legs were screaming with pain. I just kept on running. My hair flew behind me as my tears were dried and renewed. I didn’t realize it, but I had run to Restfield Cemetery. The last place on earth I should want to be at. I walked with slow steps over to Spike’s crypt, and opened the door. It opened with a squeak and I walked slowly inside. I climbed down the ladder leading to the lower level and looked around. My eyes stopped when they came to rest at the bed and I walked slowly over to it, crying the whole time. I lay down and breathed in the soothing smell of Spike. Tobacco, cologne, and something else that I couldn’t really put my finger on. That’s when the sobs started to come. Long, heart-wrecking sobs that shook my entire body and made me feel like I couldn’t breathe. I don’t know for how long I cried, but after a long time, I finally fell asleep. When I woke up it was dark, and I had the strange feeling of someone watching me.
“Hello?” I called out and sighed in relief when Spike stepped out of the shadows.
“There you are luv. I’ve been all over the bloody town looking for you. I just wanted to make sure you were alright, and to tell you that I think you were right, about the whole ’I’m just a person like you’ part” I sat up at looked sadly at him.
“I don't feel very right” He tilted his head to one side and looked at me.
“You're not fooling me.” I knew that I hadn’t. He’d always been able to read me like an open book, why should now be any different?
“What do you mean?”
“Well, you're not a quitter”.
“Watch me.” I really didn’t want to talk to him about this.
“You listen to me.” He kneeled in front of me. “I've been alive a bit longer than you, and dead a lot longer than that. I've seen things you couldn't imagine, and done things I prefer you didn't. I don't exactly have a reputation for being a thinker. I follow my blood, which doesn't exactly rush in the direction of my brain. So I make a lot of mistakes, a lot of wrong bloody calls. A 100+ years, and there's only one thing I've ever been sure of: you.” I looked away and he reached towards my face “Hey, look at me. I'm not asking you for anything. When I say, "I love you," it's not because I want you or because I can't have you. It has nothing to do with me.” A tear rolled down my cheek as his words. “I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I've seen your kindness and your strength. I've seen the best and the worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You're a hell of a woman. You're the one, Buffy.”
“I don't wanna be the one” I sniffed and he drew me into his strong arms, and let me cry. And cry I did. Cried out all the pain, grief and frustration from a long time ago. I don’t remember the last time I cried. I mean really cried, I don’t know. He whispered sweet words in my ear, and I knew that everything is going to be alright. Because I have Spike. And he believes in me.
He believes in me.
Author's Chapter Notes:
I don't have much to say about this story. Ever since I first saw Tabula Rasa I wanted to make a story where she could finish telling them how she felt. Reviews are always appreciated ;)