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Chapter 6: Catharsis


Spike drove by Buffy’s house. All was dark, she wasn’t home. Perfect.

Little did he know that Buffy was staring out of her bedroom window. Alone, in the dark. She felt hollow inside since the…incident.

She frowned and looked closer outside. Spike was sneaking up to the house. What was he doing here? Buffy ran downstairs and flung the door open, just as he slipped a letter through the mail slot.

He looked up at her like a deer in headlights.

“What are you doing here, Spike?” she asked.

“Um…nothing.”

Buffy bent down and picked up the letter.

Spike made a grab for it. “Don’t read that!”

Buffy pulled it out of his reach. “It’s mine. Get in here, now.”

“But--”

“Now, Spike.” She grabbed him by the arm and dragged him inside.

“Buffy, please don’t read that,” he said desperately.

“I’m reading it right now, you’ve peaked my curiosity.” She put her back against the door so that he couldn’t leave.

Spike didn’t want her to read the letter yet. But she wasn’t going to let him leave. He went into the living room and sat heavily on the couch, staring at the coffee table.

Buffy opened the letter and read it:

Dearest Buffy,

I am so sorry for hurting you the way that I did. But I had no choice.

The night of our anniversary, Dru was outside of your bedroom window videotaping us. She blackmailed me into dumping you and being with her. She’s a cruel bitch. I never wanted to be with her or hurt you, I had to protect you.

I still love you more than any man ever could. It was like a knife in my heart to see you look at me with those hurt, angry eyes.

Dru said that she would send copies of the tapes to anyone and everyone if I told you the truth and didn’t do what she told me to do.

It ends tonight. One way or the other.

Remember, that I loved you more than my own life. I never stopped loving you.


Spike


Buffy reread it. It sounded ominous. She was flabbergasted. She should have known. She walked into the living room. Spike was leaning forward, with his face in his hands.

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” she whispered.

“Because I was afraid. Dru said that if she even suspected that I told you, she’d send out the tapes.”

“You tried. That day at school. You tried to tell me, didn’t you?”

“Yeah…” Spike said miserably.

“I was just so hurt…I should have let you talk.” Buffy felt like shit for not letting him tell her the truth. It would have saved them both a world of hurt.

Buffy sat beside him on the couch. “I still love you, Spike.”

“No…I’m damaged goods now. I don’t deserve you.”

“That’s not true.”

“Yes, it is! She gave me drugs and made me…do things to her. Whenever I come back to my senses, I shower and scrub off a layer of skin. I hate myself for letting her do this to me...to us.”

“Oh God, she made you take drugs?” she asked in horror.

“I couldn’t even think about touching her if she didn’t give me the pills. When I took them, I felt like a different person. Just horny and oblivious. You said it yourself, every time you close your eyes, you see me and her…in my bed. You’ll never get over that.”

“Yes, I will. She violated you, Spike. Twice. When you were just a kid and now. It’s not your fault.” Buffy put a hand on his back.

Tears formed in his eyes, his chin quivered. “She ruined everything. I hate her more than I thought I could ever hate anyone. She cost me the love of my life and made me do things that made me sick.”

“Hey, have you been listening to me? I still love you.”

A tear leaked down his face and dripped off his cheek.

Buffy couldn’t stand it anymore. She put her hand on his head and pulled him against her. Spike put his arms around her and cried himself out. All the while, Buffy stroked his silky hair and shushed him, telling him it would be alright.

His tears were absorbed by the fabric of her shirt. She felt hot tears on her neck and cried a little herself. That bitch had hurt both of them so badly. Dru wasn’t going to get away scott-free…Buffy wanted vengeance.

Spike pulled away from her, wiping his eyes. “I have to go.”

“No, don’t go now, Spike. I need you. And I know that you need me.”

He couldn’t look at her. “I have to. Dru told me to meet her at her hotel. I’m going to be late.” He stood up.

Buffy jumped up. “No! I won’t let that whore use you any more!”

He looked at her, both of their faces were tear-stained. “I have to, Buffy. If I don’t show…she’ll carry through with her threat. I can’t let that happen.”

Buffy looked down at the note he’d written her. “What did you mean by ‘It ends tonight. One way or the other’?”

“I--I’ll do what it takes to get those tapes.”

“Like what?”

“Please, Buffy, I have to leave.”

Buffy flung her arms around him, hugging him tight. “I love you so much, Spike. Don’t go.” While she was hugging him, she felt an object concealed in his duster. Was that a gun in his pocket, or was he just happy to see her?

She pulled back. “Spike…do you have a gun?” she asked slowly.

He swallowed hard and backed away from her. “Don’t make this any harder than it has to be, Buffy…”

“No guns, Spike! I agree that she needs to be stopped, but a gun is not the answer. What if something goes wrong?”

“Nothing will go wrong,” he said sadly.

“You don’t know that! What if you shoot her by accident? What if you kill her? Then you’ll go to jail!”

“I won’t go to jail.”

“Dammit, Spike! If the gun goes off by accident, and you wind up killing her, you’re going to get caught!”

His eyes flitted to hers, then away. “I won’t get caught. I have to go.” He touched her face softly, tears still glistening in his blue eyes. “Remember that I love you. It’s all for you.” Then he rushed past her and out the front door.

Buffy was immobile for a moment. ‘Oh my God…he’s going to get the tapes and destroy them, kill Dru, then himself… The note, the look on his face and what he’d said all pointed to that scenario. She couldn’t let that happen! Buffy ran after him.

Spike was halfway down the walk when she got to the door.

“Spike, wait! Please don’t do this! We’ll think of something! We’ll think of a way to beat her without violence. I can’t lose you…please…” Buffy wept.

Spike stopped on the walkway, closing his eyes. He slowly turned around to face her. “There’s no other way…”





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