Spike’s feet moved of their own volition and quickly swallowed up the distance that separated them. His discarded cigarette fell to the ground, and he found himself standing mere feet from the woman he loved. Words were unable to pass the lump that formed in his suddenly dry throat, and as was becoming a habit, Spike had absolutely no idea how to approach her.
“I should have known you’d find me.”
Buffy’s words were barely audible as they registered through his hesitant trance.
“I’ll always find you.”
Summoning his courage, Spike joined her on the adjacent swing, and, with hands buried deep within his pockets, he sat motionless, studying her. Lips pressed into a tight frown, his eyes wandered over her tear-stained face. “What are you doing out here, Buffy?”
The sombre tone in his voice gave her pause. Spike was concerned, and he wasn’t the type to worry about anything. At every given opportunity, the vampire laughed in the face of danger, gave it a two-fingered salute and arrogantly turned his back on it. The fact that he was worried only gave credence to Buffy’s own worst fears.
Long agonising seconds passed before she answered his question. “I didn’t want to go home,” she whispered, raising her red-rimmed eyes to meet his. “I just couldn’t face them tonight. All the questions, the endless apologies... I didn’t want to deal with them... I needed...”
You.
The unspoken word resonated in the air between them, and he carefully reached over to take her hands in his firm grip. A gesture eerily similar to that of her first night back. Spike’s concerned eyes never left hers as he watched the anguish wash over her care-worn face. “It’s okay, love,” he said, stroking his thumbs over her knuckles in a soothing motion. “I’m here now. Everythin’s goin’ to be alright, I promise.”
A sardonic laugh burst from between her lips and startled the apprehensive vampire. “How can you say that?” Buffy jerked her hands from his grasp and gesticulated wildly. “She tried to take my memories away, Spike. My God, it’s not bad enough that she tore me from heaven, now she has to erase every trace from my mind as well?”
Buffy noticed the pain of rejection that marred his features, and felt compelled to pacify the hurt she’d unintentionally caused. She hated that Spike always bore the brunt of her anger and frustration, simply because she was incapable of confronting her friends. They were the guilty parties who truly deserved her resentment, and it took a conscious effort to remind her that Spike and Dawn were as innocent in this nightmare as she was.
Since her forced return, Buffy preferred to maintain an air of silence, afraid of the resulting aftermath if she dared voice her outrage. The ferocity of her wrath was all-consuming, and she feared the fury that blistered within would inadvertently burst free and eviscerate those nearby. It became apparent during her nocturnal visitations to his crypt that Spike was willing to offer her an outlet in which to release this barely restrained fury, regardless of the adverse effect on his own tattered emotions.
Well, not anymore. Not tonight.
A surge of embarrassment rushed through her at the knowledge that, for years, she’d blindly followed the teachings of Giles and the council. How could she have ever thought to equate a vampire like Spike with the mindless, feral creatures she staked on a nightly basis?
Buffy reached across to reclaim his cool hand and marvelled at the grateful smile that blossomed on his lips. “I was happy tonight,” she said, eyes firmly locked on the sight of their entwined fingers. “It felt like this huge weight had been lifted. My life was a blank slate and I was able to just be me. It was... liberating. I was free to be just a woman, a sister,” Buffy’s eyes met his and sent him a poignant glance, “free to laugh and flirt and... even the extreme wigginess of not knowing who I was didn’t matter because... because for a few hours I was happy being someone else.”
Buffy’s words trailed off to a whisper as she voiced her confession to the stunned vampire. The barest ember of hope flared to life in his chest, and his arms ached to take her into his protective embrace. It was a fleeting glance at best, but beneath the disjointed notions of patented Buffy babble, he glimpsed a rare sign of the Slayer he fell so hopelessly in love with. With a calming breath, Spike summoned a century’s worth of self-control and remained silent as he allowed Buffy to work through her jumbled thoughts.
“How could they do this to me?” Her troubled eyes implored him for a response that he was unable to give. “I was done, Spike. Finished. Everything here is so harsh and violent. I was at peace and they pulled me back to this... Is that all I’m good for? Death and destruction?”
Oh, that’s bloody well it! Spike’s demon raged within, desperate to seek retribution for his girl against the bastards who’d made her feel this worthless. Fuck the chip. He was furious and wanted to tear the Scoobies apart. Bugger the consequences.
“It’ll never be over will it?”
Spike’s anger deflated briefly as Buffy’s hushed tones penetrated his homicidal considerations.
“The darkness... it’ll just keep coming and coming until I make another mistake.” Resentment flashed in her eyes and she continued with a bitter edge to her voice. “Of course, even that’s no guarantee that they’ll let me rest, is it?”
The temptation to reach out to her was irresistible, and Spike freed his left hand from her grasp to brush her cheek in a feather light caress. “I don’t know what to tell you, love.” His calloused fingers trailed the length of her arm and left a trail of goose bumps beneath the smooth leather of her jacket. “God knows what the hell they were thinkin’. Maybe that’s the bloody problem. I always figured the lot of ‘em to be a few fries short of a happy meal.”
A small, albeit, sincere smile curled her lips at the erstwhile memory, and Buffy continued her verbal outpouring. “She keeps doing this... Willow. She keeps using magic to fix things. Fix me. She’s been doing it for years but we all ignored it. It was just the little things at first but now... it’s become so much more. I should have stepped in before, should never have—”
Buffy was interrupted by the low growl that emanated from the vampire beside her.
“Don’t you dare go blamin’ yourself for Red’s shortcomings,” Spike said in a sombre tone. “Your Sabrina’s a big girl now, and it’s about bloody time she took responsibility for buggerin’ up her own damn life. If you want to blame someone, blame your bleedin’ Watcher. He’s the one who allowed a novice to teach herself magic in the first place. The witch is not your soddin’ responsibility, and I won’t have you feelin’ guilty about it!”
Buffy was surprised by the vehemence in his voice and astonishment displayed over her shocked features. Not wishing to distress her further, Spike tempered his tone and curled his lips into his trademark smirk.
“Although, as magical screw-ups go, I remember one in particular that had some definite... highlights. ” His eyes shone with mischief and a sinful tongue swept over his blunt human teeth. The delightful pink flush that coloured Buffy’s cheeks confirmed that she recalled their spell-induced engagement from two years previous, and Spike chuckled as he remembered the amorous side effects of that particular misadventure.
I never stood a bloody chance, he thought, gazing at the embarrassed blonde. I was hers from that first soddin’ kiss.
Truth be told, Spike’s relationship with the talented young slayer had never been entirely of the kill-or-be-killed variety. She was an enigma. An exquisite assassin wrapped up in a five-foot bundle of sass and ingenuity. Spike always maintained that Buffy was the bane of his existence, the bloody thorn in his side, but in truth, from that first predatory glance, he was hopelessly and irrecoverably lost.
The memory of sitting on Spike’s lap as he whispered sinful promises directly into her ear had a similar effect on the flustered Slayer. Liquid fire raced through her veins as images of passionate kisses and wandering hands flashed into her mind. The colour in Buffy’s cheeks deepened as she remembered the feel of his erection pressed against her ass as she sat cradled in his arms, mere feet from the unseeing eyes of her Watcher.
The overwhelming sense of love and security she’d experienced whilst in the embrace of her natural enemy was unlike anything she’d felt with her former lovers. An insistent voice in Buffy’s head argued that this was because Spike was unlike the other men in her life. He understood her burden on a level that very few could appreciate, yet alone abide.
In retrospect, Buffy regretted how much time she’d wasted in the pointless pursuit of that elusive normal life. She was the Slayer; normal would never be enough. She should have realised that when Angel broke her heart and left her with a how-to guide for future relationships. A guide that resulted in a huge Parker-sized mistake and the safety net named Riley. Buffy had tried so hard to make a relationship work with men of the pulse-having variety that she never stopped to question why. A wiser part of her now realised it was a detrimental attempt to make her first love proud. If she couldn’t make it work with a nice, average boy then what did that say about her?
Buffy had stuck by Riley despite the niggling voice that told her something was missing. In the end, her Calling had proven too much for their shaky romance to withstand, and his insecurity and fragile ego led Riley to the arms of vamp whores for the connection that Buffy was incapable of bestowing.
In her world, nothing was guaranteed. Not even death. Normality didn’t come with the whole Slayer package. Although a predisposition towards hot vampires seemed to be standard issue…
Gradually, Buffy became aware that she and Spike had been staring into each other’s eyes for an inordinate amount of time. Without realising it, they had slipped into a familiar silence, allowing the Slayer to reach her momentous conclusions. In light of her current situation, Buffy was desperate to protect herself from any additional pain, but as usual, Spike’s presence caused her mind to wander in directions she fought vigorously to avoid. Piece by piece, he tore through her resistance and rebuilt the shattered pieces of her psyche, and despite her apprehension to pursue a relationship with the man who consoled her, Buffy found herself tempted to open her heart and take a risk.
A surge of resigned acceptance flooded throughout her body as she looked into the eyes of the extraordinary vampire. If she could only summon the courage to take that final leap into the unknown, she would be assured of the love and protection she had experienced all too briefly in the past.
Spike watched Buffy’s brow furrow as she engaged in an unidentified internal debate. She was so difficult to read these days that he dared not presume to hazard a guess to the cause of her introspection. His watchful eyes glanced around the park as he checked their environment for the various beasties that Sunnydale had to offer. The night was silent, and everything seemed in order. Satisfied, his vigilant gaze returned to the silent Slayer, and he almost fell from his swing in astonishment when he saw the buoyant smile that lit up her beautiful features.
There’s my girl! His heart soared, and Spike returned her spirited grin as one scarred eyebrow rose enquiringly. “What are you thinkin’, love?”
“The engagement,” Buffy replied. “I was wondering how my mom would’ve reacted if she’d known.”
Spike mouth formed a tight frown. “Now there’s a bloody frightenin’ thought,” he said, struggling to school his features whilst inwardly astonished by the surrealism of their conversation.
“Frightening?” Buffy’s eyebrows rose in response. Narrowing her eyes, she noticed the reluctant twitch of Spike’s lips as he fought against a smile. “Don’t tell me the big bad vampire was afraid of my Mother?”
“Are you kiddin’ me?” Spike’s tone was incredulous as an exaggerated shudder coursed through his body. “The first time I met the woman she clobbered me over the head with a bloody axe. I reckon if Joyce knew about our upcoming nuptials, she’d have likely run me out of town with a pointy stick faster than you can say, hello cutie!”
The visual image he painted had Buffy chuckling and she couldn’t resist teasing him further. “Oh I don’t know about that,” she said with a playful gleam in her eyes. “I’m sure once mom got past the whole ‘get the hell away from my daughter’ part she’d have been cool. And hey! I bet she’d have been plying you with hot chocolately goodness and throwing out your wardrobe before you knew what hit you.”
“Oi!” Spike replied with fake annoyance. “You saying there’s somethin’ wrong with what I’m wearin’?”
The sight of his girl smiling in genuine delight filled him with such satisfaction that it was impossible to take offence. Hell, if it kept that radiant grin on her face, who was he to complain about being the subject of her playful mocking?
“Who, me?” Buffy said, in response to his good-humoured indignation. “Na-ah... I’m sure black jeans and t-shirts are very chic.” Her eyes raked over the length of his body and Spike barely prevented a groan from escaping as her little pink tongue swept over her bottom lip. “I’m curious. Do you actually own more than one change of clothes?”
An exultant laugh tumbled from Spike’s lips at the surprise emergence of his golden goddess. “You been checkin’ out my tight little bod, kitten?” Spike placed his hands on his waist and drew Buffy’s attention to his prominent bulge. He couldn’t believe his luck and studied her face, memorising the moment for future indulgence.
Buffy’s only response was an enigmatic grin as she cocked her head to the side and subconsciously mirrored his pose. No sound passed her lips, but the look of pure sin that flashed in her eyes said more than spoken words ever could. Perhaps the unfamiliar flutter in his chest was fear, and maybe it was hope, nevertheless, Spike was certain he felt his long-dead heart beat back to life, pounding along in rhythm with hers. Nervously, he cleared his throat, grimacing as his cock jumped to attention within his jeans.
God if she only knew what she was doing to him.
His demon roared and bellowed for vocalisation of the words he so desperately craved. To demand clarity once and for all, for the hope that escalated within his tormented mind. Determinedly, the inner poet curbed the vampire’s impulsiveness, swallowing his questions rather than risk dismissal through his imprudence. Buffy was leading this dance, and he didn’t want to overstep some unwritten boundary now that things looked so promising between them.
Buffy performed a cursory scan of her surroundings and the smile on her lips faded. Her slayer senses told her they were alone, but she was aware of a palpable shift in the air that surrounded them. Avoiding Spike’s all-too-knowing gaze, Buffy swallowed past the lump in her throat and once again stared ahead of her.
“I miss her,” she said in a hushed tone, as she absent-mindedly toed her boot into the soft ground beneath her feet. “She always knew just what to say to make it all better. When I was little she just had to tell me that everything would be alright and I believed her because... because it was her. ”
There was no need to ask of whom she spoke. The far-away look returned to her eyes during her short speech, and there was a noticeable tremor in her whispered voice. Buffy hung her head and heaved a deep sigh as she willed away the tears that burned behind her tired eyes. In one fluid movement, Spike rose from his seated position and knelt before the exhausted Slayer. Her hands were folded in her lap and without hesitation; Spike laced their fingers together as he forced her tearful eyes to meet his.
His touch never failed to calm her, and regardless of her avid self-denial, Buffy understood that she couldn’t lie to herself forever. The warmth in Spike’s eyes kept reaching out to extend into her, through her; and the Slayer couldn’t fight the way he made her feel.
Spike inhaled a deep and unnecessary breath as she gifted him with a watery smile. “She was a mighty fine woman, your Mum; reminded me a lot of my own.” His tone was measured, but Spike was unable to disguise the involuntary flinch at the mention of his Mother. Buffy’s eyes widened as she searched his solemn features. Spike had never before spoken of his family and it was hard to imagine him as a human. On the one occasion that Buffy ventured to broach the subject of his pre-vampire days, she was met with a stony silence that left no room for debate. It was difficult to picture the bleached vampire as someone’s son or brother... husband?
Whoa, and so not going there!
“I spent a bit of time with her and the Niblet. I’d pop by some nights... When you were out on patrol.” Buffy watched as an anxious smile curled his lips and he glanced down in uncharacteristic shyness. Her mom had neglected to mention his friendly visitations, and it was obvious he was gauging her reaction to this apparent betrayal.
“Joyce was a good friend. Always had a hot cup of cocoa waiting for me... I miss our little chats. Your Mum, she... she didn’t judge me or treat me like a...” Spike swallowed hard and wet his suddenly dry lips. “I miss her too.”
His confession didn’t come as much of a revelation to Buffy. It was no secret that Joyce had a soft spot for the chipped vampire. And despite her daughter’s numerous warnings, her mother always insisted that Spike just needed someone to take care of him. On countless occasions, Buffy returned from her nightly patrol to find three empty hot chocolate mugs rinsing in the kitchen sink, and a half-eaten packet of marshmallows in the cupboard.
Despite her initial reservations, Buffy was confident that he would never actually hurt her family. Regardless of the chip, Buffy had long since ceased to view Spike as a serious danger—an annoying pain in the ass, definitely—but the stuff of nightmares? Not so much. Against his demonic nature, he persistently fought by her side, and on occasion, Buffy enlisted his help to protect her mom and sister from Glory’s wrath. Admittedly, Spike’s ill-advised declaration of love had terrified her at the time, but it was only now with hindsight that Buffy could admit to fearing the depth of her own feelings more so than his.
Her chequered history with men of the undead persuasion had taken its toll on the Slayer, but it was astonishing that her mom openly despised Angel, and yet welcomed Spike as a long-lost son. Buffy’s thoughts returned to the present when his gentle hands squeezed hers reassuringly, and she offered him a wan smile in response. Her vampire never failed to surprise her—
And since when did she start thinking of Spike as hers?
His eyes flashed with amusement and he relinquished his firm grip to stand before her. “You know, pet,” he said, taking a step back, “Joyce always looked out for you, made me promise that I’d keep an eye on you and the Bit. Help out with patrol and all that rot... even if you were actin’ like a right bitch at the time.”
The teasing glint in his eyes was enough to prevent Buffy from taking any real offence at his comment, and she was unable to fight the small smile that tugged at her lips. “I was not acting like a bitch!” she said, with an appropriate amount of righteous indignation. “Well, not all the time anyway. And besides, what with your stalker routine, I think I was entitled to be a bit freaked don’t you?”
“Hey now, give a poor vamp a break,” Spike said, as he ran a hand through his unruly curls. “It’s not every day a bloke falls for his arch enemy!”
“Well you sure had an interesting way of getting my attention,” Buffy replied, with a smirk to rival his own. “I mean seriously, stealing my underwear. What’s up with that?”
“Um, hello. Vampire here.” Spike grinned unrepentantly and punctuated his words with a sarcastic wave. “What did you expect, flowers and a bloody picnic? You wouldn’t give me the time of day. How else was I supposed to tell you I loved you?”
“Spike, you chained me to a wall and threatened to let your psycho ex take a bite out of me!”
“Yeah, well... at least it was memorable, ” he murmured, as he stuck his bottom lip out in an action reminiscent of a petulant child.
Buffy stared at him in mystified silence; there really was no argument to his twisted logic. A soft laugh filtered from between her lips and she shook her head in bemusement. “I still can’t believe mom didn’t tell me about all this.”
Spike moved to the side of the swing set, stretching his arms above his head to hold onto the metal support beams. The action caused the front of his black t-shirt to rise up, revealing a glimpse of his taut physique. Self-consciously, Buffy flushed an enchanting shade of pink and tore her eyes away from his toned stomach, only to meet the cocky grin of the highly amused vampire.
“Like what you see, love?” Buffy rolled her eyes at his shameless posturing, and Spike continued softly, “I don’t know why you’re so surprised, pet. You Summers’ women have me wrapped round your bloody little fingers! I’d do anything for you chits. You should know that by now.” Spike watched as the full effect of his words took effect, and a tender smile graced his lips as he gazed into the emotional maelstrom of Buffy’s eyes. “Don’t you go repeatin’ that to anyone though,” he said, pointing an emphatic finger in warning. “I’ve still got a reputation to maintain ‘round these parts.”
A sudden laugh burst from Buffy’s throat and she blinked back the unforeseen tears that inundated her eyes. “Oh, please,” she said. “Any badass reputation you had is long gone, and you know it!”
Spike released his hold on the bars and reclaimed his position on the other swing seat. “Bleedin’ hell, woman, kick a vamp while he’s down, yeah.” Deliberately, he angled his body towards her, reaching out his hand to swipe the salty tears from her cheek with his thumb. Spike looked at her in something akin to awe; his gaze, tender as it stroked her skin in the same gentle manner as his hand.
“God, I’m such a mess,” Buffy said, as she fought to regain control of her emotions. “Why do you put up with me?”
“You know why,” Spike replied, never breaking eye contact. “I love you.”
“But—”
“Don’t even bother, slayer,” he interrupted, growling deeply in his throat.
All of a sudden, the vampire’s voice had a hard edge to it—a quality that had been lacking since her return. “I swear, if you start spouting that ‘demons can’t love’ bollocks...” Pausing, Spike inhaled a calming breath and raised his chin in defiance. “You can spin that yarn a thousand different ways, pet, and it still won’t make rot. I was with Dru for over a century, and it sure as hell wasn’t for her conversation skills, I can tell you.”
Swallowing hard, Spike summoned his wavering courage and continued his spontaneous outburst. He may be love’s bitch, but the vampire was nobody’s lapdog, and he was determined to make Buffy realise it. “She made me the man I am,” he said, moderating his tone, “but you made me the man I want to be. And before you play that tired old tune again, no, I don’t have a soul, but I don’t bloody well need one either. Unlike the great git, I didn’t need a curse to make me a better man. I changed because I wanted to, not because I had to.”
“That’s not what I meant,” Buffy’s wide-eyed expression caught him off guard, and in confusion, Spike searched her gaze for answers. “I believe you, I do... but I still don’t understand why?”
Her questioning tone conveyed her genuine curiosity and Spike stared at her dumbfounded. After several seconds, his eyes widened comically as he fully comprehended her concerns. “Why did I fall in love with you?”
A hesitant nod was his only response and he cocked his head in appraisal. “Maybe because you were everything I wasn’t supposed to want,” he said, curling his lips into a sardonic smile. “So bloody heroic and beautiful, that when you’re a demon like me, it hurts to even look at something as magnificent as you.”
Buffy remained silent as Spike searched her inquisitive gaze, in awe of the emotions that warred behind her eyes. “I can’t tell you why it happened, pet. Hell, I can’t even tell you when it started. Crept into my heart, you did. Burrowed so bloody far inside that I can’t remember ever havin’ not loved you.” Tenderly, his fingers moved to tuck a wayward blonde lock behind her ear. “I know it’s not natural, love, but God only knows what draws two people together, yeah?”
Spike’s eyes shone with undisguised affection as he regarded the petite Slayer. “Half the time you’re so bloody frustrating I want to beat your head against the wall, and the rest of the time I want to bundle you in my arms and just get you the hell away from this cursed town.” Spike chuckled quietly, but his eyes were sombre and intense. “Dru called you the sunshine,” he said, smiling wistfully. “Nutty as a fruitcake, my sire, but I can’t fault her when it comes to her visions. You were like a beacon, you see. Pulled me in… dragged me kickin’ and screamin’ all the way of course, but in the end I couldn’t escape your light.”
All traces of playfulness left his sober features, and Spike’s lips pressed together to form a tight knitted frown. “But now,” he said, “I look at you, and there’s something dark cloudin’ those pretty green eyes that rips at my gut. I see how much you’re hurtin’, Buffy, and it kills me to watch you in so much pain and not....” Spike’s words trailed off and he pressed his palm against the side of her face, watching, as Buffy’s lips curved into a warm smile and she nuzzled her cheek against his affectionate touch. “There’s no twelve step program to deal with somethin’ like this, love, but I made a promise to a lady and I intend to keep it. I’m not goin’ anywhere, Buffy. I swear I’ll be by your side every step of the way.”
A low chortle rumbled from between his lips and Spike grinned as he continued to stare into her tear-filled eyes. “And I don’t care how many bloody times you tell me to go away. I’m in this for the long haul. There’s no gettin’ rid of me. Ever.”
Buffy’s head rested in the supportive cup of his left hand, as if she no longer had the strength to hold it up of her own volition, and she swallowed audibly at his words. “I know it’s not the same comin’ from me, love, but believe me when I say everything will be alright. We’ll get through this together, I promise. I know you’re afraid, but I need you to trust me. Can you do that, Buffy?”
Spike held his needless breath as he watched the emotions play over her delicate features. A wave of apprehension swept throughout his body and his undead heart thundered in his chest as he awaited her momentous decision.
Thoughtfully, Buffy gazed at Spike, disregarding her training to see past the demon to the remarkable man within. Nervous tension bunched the muscles of his neck, fear and trepidation tightened his hand’s grip, but his eyes held nought but undisguised love and honesty. A fresh deluge of tears washed over her cheeks and it felt as if an immense pressure receded from her chest. For the first time since her severance from paradise, Buffy felt that there was indeed hope of redemption. A path that led from the murky shadows of hopelessness.
She gifted him with an affectionate smile and brought her small hand up to cover the one that rested at her cheek. Without thought to the wider implications of her declaration, Buffy entwined her slender fingers with his and gazed deep into his eyes, willing him to see the truth of her four simple words.
“I trust you, Spike.”
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Here it is folks, the idea that set up home in my head, months before I worked up the nerve to put finger to keyboard. This idea has been screaming at me since long before I made my smutty debut and I’m so glad to have finally written it down. This is my baby... my own personal gripe fic, and my attempt to right the Spike bashing wrongness of series six!
Beta’d by Dawnof me
I hope you enjoy your trip into the Spuffy loving land of denial that is my brain, and thank you to dawnofme, amyxaphania, maryperk73703, ssddgr and dragonflylady for your help and encouragement to bite the bullet in the first place. *hugs and kisses*
Beta’d by Dawnof me
I hope you enjoy your trip into the Spuffy loving land of denial that is my brain, and thank you to dawnofme, amyxaphania, maryperk73703, ssddgr and dragonflylady for your help and encouragement to bite the bullet in the first place. *hugs and kisses*
Chapter End Notes:
Thanks to everybody who has taken the time to review. I hope you enjoy this chapter :)