William awoke with a groan. Before he even opened his eyes, he knew two things. He had a hangover, and he had done something very wrong. His memory was a bit foggy, but he knew for certain that Buffy had been waiting for him when he’d dragged himself home from the Fish Tank, and he’d behaved like an idiot. What a night. Hours of research, resulting in a disturbing discovery, followed by hours at a bar trying to erase that discovery, then that fight.
The clock next to his bed told him it was only nine in the morning, and he considered burying his head back into his pillow like an ostrich with its head in the sand, if only to avoid the inevitable confrontation waiting for him downstairs.
His Slayer would give him hell, he knew. And she should. He’d treated her…horribly, he’d allowed a part of himself, a dark, long buried part, to be revealed. In his quest to behave, to be the mature one, to suppress his feelings, he’d just gone off the deep end.
William dragged himself out of bed, deciding it was better now than later. They had things to discuss, aside from his drunken rants, and that breathtaking kiss.
He poked his head out into the hall to check for signs of life, then mentally berated himself. Scared of a sixteen year old girl? He made his way down to the kitchen, desperate for coffee before anything else, and came across a hastily scrawled note.
Researching with Dru and Angel. Come to the library if you want to help.
-Buffy
After procrastinating as long as he could, William headed upstairs to take a shower, still able to feel the burn of her lips on his, her words still ringing in his ears.
Reluctantly, he grasped his cock as he stood under the stream of water, eyes squeezed shut, trying to imagine things he had no want of, anything but her, anything but Buffy. But when he came, with a strangled groan, it was her name on his lips.
“Thanks for coming, guys,” Buffy said gratefully as she entered the library with Dru and Angel at her side.
“Of course,” Dru said, poking the boy next to her roughly before he could comment. “Anything we can do to help. You sure you’re feeling alright?”
“Yup, Slayer healing comes in pretty handy!” She said peppily as she headed into the book cage. “So, I have no idea what we’re looking for. Menithea, that’s all I got.”
“Well, we can start with the Lever’s codex, check out the Dramos anthology, oh, and…well, there’s just so many possibilities!” Drusilla frowned, gathering up a stack of books as she continued to mutter possible locations of information.
“Wow, you’re all book girl, very impressive,” Buffy smiled. “I hereby put you in charge. Tell us what to do.”
“Oh, in charge? Really? I mean, maybe we should wait for William, he would know---“
“No!” Buffy said firmly, earning herself inquisitive looks from the other two. “He was asleep when I left, if he wants to help he’ll come.”
“Of course he wants to help, Buff,” Angel laughed, taking a book out of Dru’s hand and throwing his body into a chair. “Research on a Sunday? That’s like Pratt’s wet dream.”
Buffy coughed uncomfortably and took her own tome. “Let’s just handle this ourselves for now, okay?”
William took a deep breath before entering the library, then shoved his shaking hands into his pockets. Only the knowledge that both Drusilla and Angel were behind the doors with his Slayer comforted him. Buffy was certain to at least maintain a façade of normalcy around those two, or at least, he hoped she would.
“Pratt! Nice of you to finally make an appearance,” Angel grinned as he caught sight of the older man entering the room. “You’re missing out on fun. Well, your kind of fun anyway.”
“Hey, you offered to help, buddy,” Buffy teased, not looking towards the newcomer. “I merely extended an invitation for a research party. You didn’t have to come!”
“Right, because the threat of a possible big scary demon biting my head off wasn’t manipulation at all.”
“I did not threaten! Or manipulate, I just said, hey, Angel, possible demon, want to help?”
“Want to help if you value your life, I think is what you said,” He smirked, tossing a balled up napkin at her.
“Wait, what?” William interrupted, the shaking in his hands turning to tension as Buffy flirted with the other man. “What is it that you’re researching?”
The blonde finally turned to look at him and said, “Duh, William. Menithea?”
His eyes widened. “I…I assumed you’d be looking into how to return home…well, I’m just surprised.”
“I’m not a totally selfish bitch,” she huffed. “Demon threat takes precedence, or whatever, isn’t that what you said?” Buffy turned back to her book without another word.
“We’ve found out a little,” Dru said, glancing back and forth between the pair. “Um, if they’re trying to raise Menithea, they won’t be able to for a few days, it has to be on a specific night in the lunar cycle, which…I haven’t exactly figured out yet, so you could do that. I mean, not that I’m telling you what to do or anything, but---“
“That’s wonderful, Drusilla, I’ll get right on that,” William nodded. “I’ll be in my office.” With one final glance at the girl stubbornly ignoring him, he retreated to his sanctuary.
Buffy sighed as he closed the door, berating herself for her inability to just act like a normal person. She knew she’d been rude, and blatantly flirted with Angel, but the second she’d seen him her hurt and anger from the previous evening had returned, and her pledge to be mature and normal had flown right out the window.
The words of her book swam in front of her eyes, and she realized her concentration was totally blown, and probably wouldn’t return until she had a chance to talk to William.
“Oh, I forgot to ask him about…something,” Buffy stood abruptly and moved towards the office. “Be right back.”
William heard the tentative knock and sighed. “Come in,” he called, not moving his eyes from his book to the door. He heard it open and shut, and still didn’t feel the need to look at his visitor. He could smell her sweet perfume, and really, he could almost just sense her.
“Hi. Okay. Don’t worry about it.”
“What?” William turned to her in surprise, and took in her nervous face and her awkward posture.
“Look, I’m not going to push. You obviously don’t…whatever, okay? I’m sorry about last night, I should have left you alone,” Buffy rushed out. “So stop freaking out.”
“I’m not---“
“You are, I can tell. You’re all awkward guy, and you don’t have to be. I was stupid to think we could…” She bit her lip to keep from saying more, and repeated. “Don’t worry about it. It didn’t happen. We’re totally good.”
“Buffy---“
“You found stuff out, right? I mean, about my whole double memory problem? We’ll talk about it later, it’s fine, we have to deal with the immediate threat of big bad demon.”
“Wait—“
“Okay, so we’re good? Good!” She spun and fled the room before William could protest, and he sank back into his chair, the meaning behind her rushed words finally sinking in. He felt an odd, uncomfortable mixture of relief and sadness, but as he heard loud laughter from the next room, he turned back to his book and attempted to focus.
A few hours of reading had wiped the energy from all parties involved. William had eventually joined the group, trying his hardest to seem as relaxed as possible, but finding his gaze traveling to Buffy at every opportunity. She seemed back to her normal self, except for the occasional furtive glances in his direction, that he pretended not to notice.
Drusilla was listing the information they’d gathered about the new threat to Sunnydale and writing it on a white board, when a sudden wince on Buffy’s face caused William to jump up and declare, “It’s time we all head home, yeah? It’s been a long day.”
“Thank God,” Angel sighed, slamming shut his book. At the annoyed look from the other researchers, he amended, “I mean…too bad. I was having a blast.”
“Right, thank you for that, Angel,” Buffy sighed, one finger rubbing gentle circles on her temples. “But yeah, actually, thank you. For helping. See you guys tomorrow?”
“Of course,” Drusilla smiled, waving her goodbyes and exiting the library with Angel.
William observed Buffy quietly for a moment, then asked, “Are you alright, pet?”
“I’m fine,” she lied. At his raised eyebrow, she admitted, “Headache.”
“Normal kind, or mystical?” William moved quickly towards her and stood behind her, replacing her hands on her temples with his own. He didn’t consider the implications of his act, he just felt an innate pull to do all he could to soothe her suffering.
“Mystical,” Buffy sighed, as his strong fingers began to massage the pain out of her. “That feels so good,” she moaned softly.
William shut his eyes, as if that would block out the sounds of her pleasure, and continued to rub gentle circles with one hand, as the other moved down to massage the tense muscles at the back of her neck.
“Mmm…” Buffy continued to sigh, giving into the sensations of William’s hands on her, and choosing to ignore the little voice prickling at the corners of her conscience that this was crossing the line into the territory she promised she wouldn’t enter again.
He reluctantly pulled away, and asked, “Better?”
“Much,” she nodded, straightening up from the relaxed position William had lulled her into. She adopted a business like tone as she inquired, “So, about my memory problem. You found something out, right?”
“Yes, unfortunately,” he admitted, moving to sit in the chair next to her. “Your memories, they’re still…blending?”
“Yeah,” she sighed. “I don’t know everything, but I’m getting bits and pieces, flashes of things. Like, I just glanced over at the book cage a minute ago, and I remembered Drusilla and I talking about a French test, yet I still remember her as this…evil vampires of doom. And I know some things, but like, I still don’t remember anything about her and vamp Xander. So spill, Spike. What’s going on?”
“It’s…incredibly complicated, whatever errors were made with the spell your friend performed were pretty drastic. Instead of giving the Angel from your other world his soul, you were brought into a world where he already had one. In simplest terms, the metaphorical wall separating your two…consciousnesses, really, was disassembled, and can’t be recreated.”
“Like, at all?” Buffy gasped.
“Right, once the two worlds merged, as they have, they can’t be separated.”
“So I’m screwed?’
“No, no,” William sighed, a headache of his own beginning behind his eyes as he contemplated how to explain the situation. “The wall can’t be recreated, but you can be…returned, to one of the states.”
Buffy frowned. “I don’t get it.”
William took a deep breath and blurted out, “We can perform an alteration of that same spell, either removing entirely your memories of your other life, and you will cease to exist there, or returning you to that world and you will cease to exist here.”
The room was silent but for the sound of the ticking clock, as Buffy absorbed what her Watcher had just told her. “So…like it said in the dream. I have to choose.”
“Yes, Buffy,” he said quietly, the image of her stricken face breaking his heart. “You do.”
“Well, damn,” she forced out a laugh to cover her sob. “You’d think this would be an easy decision.”
“It’s not?” William asked tentatively.
Buffy raised her eyes from her hands to his face. “I thought…no, it’s not easy. But a few days ago it would have been.”
“What changed?”
“You know what changed, Spike,” she said softly. “Aside from my memories returning, I mean…you…”
“Buffy---“
“I know, I know. You can’t, we can’t, whatever,” she said quickly. “But that doesn’t change the fact that I wouldn’t want to just…never see you again. Unless, I mean, you want me to go. That would make everything a lot easier, actually.”
He felt her words hit him like a ton of bricks, as the sudden image of his life without her destroyed his carefully constructed wall of self-control. “No, I bloody well don’t want you to go,” William said roughly, before leaning forward and kissing her quickly. Their lips only connected for a moment, then he pulled away and insisted, “Time to get you some rest. We’ll talk tomorrow.”
“Okay,” Buffy nodded, lips burning, with a flicker of hope starting in her gut. She watched him gather up their belongings, and that same confidence from the day before prompted her to stand up, still his movements with her hands, and insist, “You promise we’ll talk? I mean, really talk.”
“I promise, kitten,” he sighed, resting his forehead against hers for a moment. “I just need to think for a bit. But I promise. Tomorrow.”
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Author's Chapter Notes:
I'm out of the country for two months starting tomorrow, so I can't guarantee very regular updates, but don't worry, I haven't forgotten about my fics! I'll definitely still be writing and updating, it might just be a little more sporadic. Thank you so much for reading this fic, I'm so glad it's entertaining you all! Chapter title from a Death Cab For Cutie song.