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Over the next few weeks, Buffy and Spike felt a little more awkward around each other. Their feelings for each other were becoming stronger by the day. Against her common sense and conscience, Buffy made a nightly ritual of jerking him off until he came in her hands. They never talked about it, but at 11 o'clock sharp every night, Buffy would get up and walk to his bedside, Spike would push his pants down, and Buffy would get to work. Then afterwards, she would say that she was going to get cleaned up then come back. She'd go into the bathroom and masturbate furiously while sucking on her cum-coated fingers.

Buffy had woken up with a gasp at a dream she'd had for three nights in a row: she was stroking Spike's rock-hard, gorgeous prick when suddenly it wasn't enough for her anymore. She needed more. Buffy then climbed up onto the bed with him and hoisted her skirt to her waist. Spike would ask her what she was doing, she'd reply that she needed him to fuck her -- to feel his fat cock inside of her. Then she'd sunk down on him. That's when she woke up every time, shaking with anxiety, guilt, and need.

Buffy had to do something, she was going to do what her dream-self had done if she didn't put distance between them. But Spike needed her right now. He was in pain and fighting against the horrible addiction that had almost killed him. If she could just hang in there, and keep her hormones and animal-like lust in check until he was well enough, then she could walk away...and never see him again.

A tiny, less than encouraging voice whispered in the back of her mind, You'll NEVER last...


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It was 11 o'clock again.

Buffy and Spike looked at each other and nodded in silent understanding. She approached his bed, and he brought out his cock. She began stroking him, he closed his eyes and moaned in pleasure. Buffy enjoyed this almost as much as he did. Her strokes built up, becoming faster and harder. Spike's hips began bouncing, his neck arching.

Without thinking about it, going completely on a shameless, wanton, dark impulse, Buffy quickly lowered her mouth over his cockhead; sucking and moaning noisily as her hands pumped him up into her mouth.

Spike's head snapped up at the feel of her hot mouth on his cock. He stared in shock with his mouth open. Buffy sucked harder. His body suddenly bowed off the bed and went rigid.

"Buffy! Oh -- Ohhh God!" Spike groaned and burst into her mouth.

Buffy moaned when the first jet hit her tongue, she sucked and pumped him more vigorously. This is what she'd wanted to do all along. He kept cumming and cumming, flowing into her mouth and down her throat. She swallowed it greedily, some of it trickled from the corners of her mouth. She pumped and then pumped some more until no more spunk would come out.

With her eyes closed, she slowly bobbed her head, capturing what had dripped down his cock with her lips and tongue. Her tongue swept all around, making sure she got every drop. She slowly opened her eyes, he was looking at her with amazement and lust, still panting for breath.

Panic descended on her. What had she done?! She'd lost total control!

Buffy quickly removed her mouth and stood up straight. She absently licked the corners of her mouth, bringing the cum that had escaped her mouth back in. She swallowed with a loud gulp.

"Buffy?" Spike said slowly. "Wh-Why did you...do that?"

"Uh, I-I... " Buffy struggled not to panic. "I heard that that increases the....the pleasure for the man. I just wanted to make you feel better... I'm sorry, I shouldn't have taken...liberties..."

"No, I...liked it... a lot. Did..." He swallowed hard. "Did you like it?"

"No!" she said too quickly. "I only did it for you. If...it's okay with you, I have some other duties to attend to." Buffy moved towards the door.

Spike didn't respond, he only looked at her with those soulful eyes of his. Buffy left the room in a hurry.

Spike was completely, utterly in shock. He never expected her to put her mouth -- her beautiful, sexy, hot, wet mouth -- on him. Could she want him too? No, he told himself, that was just wishful thinking... Buffy was just so generous and giving that she did something that she thought would make him feel good.

She swallowed his cum though, she didn't have to do that... And he hadn't imagined the moans of desire she'd made -- He'd heard them with his ears and felt them vibrating around his cock.

If there was even a chance that she wanted him, he had to know.

They really needed to talk.


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Buffy had fled to the break room. Thankfully, she found it empty. She sat down and put her face in her hands; hands that still smelled of him and were warm from pumping his hot, pulsing member.

"What's wrong with me?" Buffy sobbed. "Why am I doing these things to him? Why do I want to do it again!?"

She had to end things with him. As much as she wanted to help see him completely through his drug counseling and recovery, she couldn't handle her intense attraction for him anymore and still stay true to her calling. Tonight she was drinking his cum straight from the tap, tomorrow she could get the impulse to impale herself on his cock...

It had to stop now.


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The next morning, Buffy walked into Spike's room. He immediately came awake, sleep had been difficult to come by after what had happened between them. He sat up and looked at her expectantly.

"Hi," Spike said quietly.

"Hi." Buffy looked down and pretended to adjust her shirtsleeve.

"Buffy, we need to talk...about what happened." His heart was pounding.

"Yes, I-I wanted... I need to talk to you too." She commanded herself to be strong.

"You want to go first?" Spike asked nervously.

Taking a deep, courage-enhancing breath, she began, "I can't see you anymore. I made a terrible mistake...touching you the way that I have been. And last night...I was completely out of line... I'm sorry I failed you."

Spike's brows knit, his face showed a myriad of emotions.

"Buffy, you've meant so much to me... All the support and help you've given me. You didn't fail me, your being here has given me the strength to get through this. Please, don't stop coming around because of what happened..."

Tears welled up in her eyes. "I'm sorry, Spike. It's for the best...I can't. I just can't."

Spike got out of bed. "I know this is... I shouldn't..." He ran a hand through his hair then looked at her, his eyes full of emotion. "I'm...falling in love with you."

"Oh God..." Buffy turned away from him, her hands over her face. "Don't say that!"

"It's true, it's the way I feel..." Spike put his hands lightly on her arms. His voice was rough and desperate, "I know I shouldn't, but I love you. I want to be with you." He pressed against her back, nuzzling her neck.

"Please, don't..." Buffy whispered. She trembled from the feel of his hot breath on her neck and his hands gripping her upper arms.

"I need you, Buffy!" Spike said passionately. "Tell me you feel the same way..." He touched his lips to the side of her neck.

She whimpered. His lips burned her throat like he was branding her with a hot iron.

"Stop it! Don't!" Buffy panicked, pushing him away. "I don't want you!" she lied. "I-I only did what I did because I wasn't thinking!"

"Tell the truth. Look me in the eyes and tell me that you don't feel anything for me." Spike stepped into her personal space, his face inches from hers.

Buffy knew she couldn't do it, she couldn't say that without revealing everything with only her eyes.

"I do have feelings for you...just not the kind you want them to be." She backed away from him, quickly looking away.

Spike pursued her. "I'm in love with you. I know we could --"

"No!" Buffy said firmly. "You don't love me! You just think you do because...because I touched you like that. And I helped you when you were going through a hard time, it's the Florence Nightingale Syndrome."

"I know the difference between lust, gratitude, and love, Buffy." His voice was low and husky, he stalked her like she was his prey; closing in on her.

Buffy backed against the door, feeling helpless under his predatory gaze. He pressed his hands against the door on either side of her head.

"This -- what I feel for you -- it's love. Not just because you touched me. I love your kindness, your wit, the way you look and sound when you laugh...your beauty. Please, Buffy...give us a chance..."

Spike leaned in slowly and pressed his lips against hers. For a few moments, Buffy was powerless against the tidal wave of emotion crashing down on her. The kiss quickly grew heated. Then Buffy remembered that it was wrong -- she pushed him away.

"No, Spike! Please, just leave me alone!" Buffy cried then threw open the door, running out into the hallway.

"Buffy! Don't go! Come back!" Spike called from the doorway.

A few patients in the hall furrowed their brows and frowned at him, wondering what he'd done to upset the nice young nun.

"Bugger..." Spike muttered pitifully, stepping back into his room.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Spike knew he'd fucked everything up by telling her how he felt about her. He knew he shouldn't have, but he just couldn't hold back any longer. Now he was paying the price.

Buffy hadn't come to see him or check on him in three days. Another employee escorted him to his daily sauna, exercise, and counseling sessions. At night he was alone. He missed her terribly. If only he could see her, he wouldn't even pressure her about anything. He missed the strength she gave him, the way she held his hand when he was experiencing especially bad withdrawal pangs, the way she smiled at him, the handjobs had been great too, but those weren't what he missed the most -- her presence was.

He'd really done it this time. He'd totally freaked her out with his stupid need to express his feelings for her verbally. He should've known better than to reveal it to her. Even though she'd been wearing her habit at the time, he'd forgotten the teensy-tiny little fact that she was a nun. That's not what he saw when he looked at her. He saw a beautiful, vivacious, kind young woman, with whom he was in love.


Spike was walking back to his room after his counseling session and spotted Nurse Feldon in the hall.

"Nurse, can I talk to you for a second?" Spike asked.

She looked a little harried but smiled. "What is it, Spike?"

"I...haven't seen Sister Buffy for a few days. Do you know if she's okay? Nothing's wrong, I hope..."

"Oh, Sister Buffy isn't going to be coming in anymore. The convent is sending her somewhere else to volunteer. It's really a shame, she was a big help around here." Nurse Feldon sighed. "We're really going to miss her. I have to get going, Spike. Call me if there's anything you need." She hurried off, missing the downtrodden look on his face.

Spike walked back to his room on autopilot. He sat on the bed and stared at the floor.

Buffy had quit to avoid seeing him. It tore his heart out and crushed his spirit at once. Not only had he driven the person who had taken such good care of him away, he'd also deprived the clinic of her talents. Who knew how many other broken human beings, like him, she could've helped. All because of him and his foolishness...


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A week later, Buffy came back to the clinic. She said the reason was to pick up some things she'd left behind, but the real reason was Spike.

She didn't think she could have that talk with him again, but she still wanted to make sure his recovery was going well. It wouldn't hurt to ask one of the doctors or nurses about him. They knew that she put a lot of time and energy into him (Thank God they didn't know HOW much!).

Doctor Mancini came in the break room as Buffy collected a few things she'd left.

"Buffy, it's good to see you again. We're really missing you around here. You sure you can't come back?" he asked.

"No, not right now...but maybe in the future," Buffy replied. "Um, how is Spike doing?"

"Ah, yes, Mr. Giles..." Doctor Mancini made a face.

"What?" Buffy asked with concern. "Did something happen to him?" A fist of fear gripped her heart.

"He checked himself out," he said flatly. "I gave him the speech and talked till I was blue in the face, but he insisted on leaving. As you know, we can't keep people against their will."

"He...left treatment!? How could he just give up like that?" Buffy felt sick with worry. It was because of her -- she'd abandoned him and he lost the will to fight. She'd never forgive herself for failing him... "When did he check out?"

"Two days ago. He promised to keep up the therapy...but you know how that usually goes."

"It was nice seeing you again, doctor. I have to go." Buffy practically ran out of the room.

She stopped at a payphone and called Willow.

As soon as Willow picked up, Buffy began to talk, "Willow, Spike checked out of the clinic!"

"Hi, Buffy. Yeah, I know," Willow sighed. "The guys are really worried he's going to have a relapse."

"Do you know where he is?"

"He's probably at home... Why?"

"I need to talk to Spike. Maybe I can convince him to go back for the full three months. What's his address?"

"He lives at 13 Hemmingford Drive, Apartment 13b. I don't think you'll have any luck, the guys already tried... But you're welcomed to try."

"Thanks, Willow. I hope I can talk some sense into him. Bye." Buffy hung up and set off for Spike's apartment.


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Spike was working on a new song on his guitar; something about pain and heartache.

There was a frantic knocking at his door.

He frowned and called from the couch, "It's open."

Buffy walked in looking worried and pale.

He put his guitar aside. "Buffy...what are you doing here?" Spike said, surprised.

"I heard you left the program. Why, Spike? You were doing so well. Why would you leave?"

"I didn't need it anymore. I'm fine."

"Spike, that's what you thought last time...and you went back to the drug. You need --"

He stood up. "I said, I'm fine."

"Did you leave because of me? Because I left...like that?"

Spike sneered, trying to put on a tough guy act. "Yeah, right. Don't flatter yourself, sweetheart. I left for my own reasons."

Buffy frowned, he'd never talked to her like this before -- all sarcastic and cold.

"I was worried about you," she said softly, her eyes darting away from his.

"Well, no need to worry. As you can see, I'm good as gold. Want to check me for fresh track marks?" Spike walked over to her and held out his arms for inspection.

"No..." She turned her head away. "I believe you."

"Why don't you just get out? I don't need you checking up on me," Spike said roughly. "What, you thought I'd go right back to the needle without the wonderful Sister Buffy hovering over my shoulder? I can take care of myself."

"Spike..." Buffy said with tears in her eyes. "I know I failed you...I'm so sorry... I was wrong not telling you I was leaving. I just thought it was best after --"

"What do you care anyway?!" he said, his voice on the verge of breaking. "I'm just some lowlife scum who fell down in your path. You don't owe me anything! Just go. Leave me alone."

Spike stormed out of the room.

"Don't say things like that, you're not --" She stopped when he disappeared through a doorway.

Buffy stood there, trying to get a handle on her emotions. She'd hurt him by leaving the clinic so abruptly. His face and voice were so full of pain. She'd set back, or ruined, his recovery because she couldn't control herself around him. Buffy felt like the most miserable excuse for a human being ever created.

Quietly, she went to the doorway where she'd seen him go. He was sitting on his bed with his head in his hands.

"Spike?" Buffy walked over to him and knelt down on the floor by the bed. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you..."

He shook his head. "No," Spike said softly. "Don't apologize...I'm the one who's sorry. I'm sorry, first off, for acting like a giant wanker a minute ago..." He smiled weakly down at her, his eyes watery. "I didn't mean to get so pissy with you, luv."

"It's okay..." Buffy said soothingly.

"And...the thing I'm most sorry for, I'm sorry for what I said and did that morning. I had no right to put you in that position...to say and do the things I did... I made it impossible for you to be comfortable. I drove you away. Please, forgive me."

"Spike...there's nothing to forgive. I should have been strong enough to work things out like adults, not run off like I did. I'm sorry."

Spike chuckled. "So, we've established that we're both very, very sorry. That's good."

Buffy laughed too. She got to her feet, then sat down -- at a safe distance from him -- on the end of the bed.

They were quiet for some time.

"I'll be alright, Buffy. I'm going to the therapist and working hard at getting well. You really don't have to worry about me anymore," Spike said.

"I'm glad to hear that. But...I'll still worry. I'd feel better if you went back to the clinic..."

"No. I'd rather do it my way. I'm not givin' up, okay?"

Buffy saw that there was no changing his mind.

"Whatever happened to that woman, Dru, who gave you the drugs?" Buffy asked.

"The guys told me they got her busted. Xander did, to be exact. He phoned in an anonymous tip to the cops, sayin' she had tons of drugs in her hotel room. The cops busted her with quite a bit of the stuff... I didn't want anything to happen to her though. I was right pissed when he first told me. I loved her once, ya know?"

Buffy nodded and looked down.

"What happened to me was my fault, not Dru's. Yeah, she gave me the shit, but she didn't put a gun to my head. But Xander, Oz, and Angel -- they were affected pretty bad by the whole thing too...findin' me like they did..." Spike shook his head to dispel the memory. It sickened him that he'd done that to his friends.

"They're good friends," Buffy said.

"Yeah, they are..." Spike trailed off. "So, you still a nun?" he asked with a smile.

She laughed. "Yes. Still a nun. I'm taking my final vows next month on the fifth."

"Oh, that's...nice," Spike said, sadness passing over his face.

"Is there anything I can do for you, Spike? I could go with you to your therapy sessions."

Buffy wanted to attempt to make up for abandoning him like she did -- although she still didn't think she could be around him without wanting him.

"Nah, I'm going to a session tomorrow afternoon. Angel's going with me."

He couldn't tell her what she could really do for him. He had to bite his tongue to ask her to stay with him, to let him hold her and love her.

Spike fretted a moment before coming out and asking what he knew he shouldn't. "Buffy...I still feel the same way about you," he said without looking at her. "I know nothing can happen between us... It kills me, but I know it."

Buffy closed her eyes. She wanted to cast all her reservations to the wind and jump into the warm circle of his arms... But she couldn't. She couldn't easily dispose of her goal of becoming a nun, it was all she could remember ever wanting to be. What would she do if she didn't have that anymore? It frightened her greatly to not know what to do with her life. Plus she'd be letting the Sisters down so badly if she left the convent -- they were like her surrogate mothers and sisters, her family. What would they say if she quit because she wasn't strong enough to resist temptations of the flesh? They'd be horribly disappointed in her.

"Spike, I'm sorry that I can't...return your feelings," Buffy said, clinging to the lie that she didn't want him too. "You'll find someone --"

"I don't want anyone else," Spike said, turning his head and gazing at her. Then he closed his eyes, chastising himself for letting that slip out. He didn't want to upset her with that kind of talk again. "I'm sorry...I have a habit of speaking before thinking first. The old 'foot-in-mouth syndrome'."

"If you really need to talk, " Buffy breezed past his words, trying to ignore how the intensity of his voice and eyes made her quiver inside, "please, feel free to call me. But other than that...we shouldn't see each other socially. It--It would be too difficult...for you."

Spike's heart ached, but he knew it was for the best. If he was around her, he'd end up saying something stupid again. "Right."

Buffy stood up. "I'm glad you're doing well, Spike. But I have to go. I have some duties at the convent."

She needed to leave before he said anything else that got to her, otherwise she might not want to leave at all...

"Thanks for stopping by." Spike looked up at her, his eyes held such sadness that it made her want to weep and cradle him in her arms. "And...if I don't see you before then, congratulations on the--the becoming a nun thing."

"Thank you. Take care of yourself, Spike." Buffy fought down the impulse to touch his face.





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