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Author's Chapter Notes:
Thank you guys for the feedback!! :) I'm thinking a couple more chapters and it'll be all done....
Chapter 38

The car ride started out silent. Buffy figured out early on that he wasn't heading to her home, but to his. One and the same she imagined. Plus, no Willow to be there to interrupt. She was calmer now, now in pensive mode instead of crazy mode. The whole situation was not ideal and she knew that. But when caught up in the moment—what could she have done? She had to make do with what she had at the moment. She understood where Spike had come to the wrong conclusions to what she had been trying to explain to him. It had frustrated her further when he jumped to the conclusion that she was again questioning his past. Then of course there was Brian. . . She was so lost in her musings that she hadn't noticed Spike talking to her until he touched her shoulder.

"Pet?"

"Huh?" she looked over at him.

He looked worried. "Are you all right?"

"In shock."

"Mad at me?"

"For . . . punching him?"

He nodded.

"Hell no. I wanted to do it myself."

Relief passed over his features like a wave.

"Although, I've only seen that side of you once before."

"Oh yeah, that guy—"

"At the club, right."

Silence.

"Are you mad at me still?" she asked tentatively.

He sighed heavily.

"I'll take that as a yes," she answered for him and turned back to look at
the window.

He touched her shoulder again. "I'm not mad, I'm just . . . frustrated."

"I know what you mean."

"Do you?"

"Maybe not?"

"Do you have any idea how it felt to hear you wanted to tell that dickhead he's a father? To YOUR baby? It just about killed me."

She blinked. "I didn't think of it that way at all." She blinked back tears.

"I'm sorry."

"We're here."

Numb, Buffy nodded and followed him up to his apartment. She had been
so intent on making him see her point, she hadn't even thought of what he was going through. All she'd thought of was her baby, she thought she had been doing the right thing—maybe she thought too much. What a winner Brian was. He wasn't the sweet, sensitive guy that she thought she'd spent the night with. No, he was a flaming asshole and didn't deserve to be part of her child's life. But, wouldn't she have wondered ‘what if?' if she hadn't?
Yes.

"You know what it is," she started as soon as the door closed behind Spike.

"What?"

"It's just that all the men in my life—you, my dad, Xander, Angel, Jonathan and Lorne—you're all stand up guys that would do the right thing if some random chick came up to any one of you and told you she was pregnant with your baby. All of you would step up to the plate and be a man and take responsibility for it. Well, maybe not Lorne since he's gay, but you know what I mean. "

Spike nodded in agreement. "Was that what you were trying to tell me earlier?" he asked softly.

"Yes. Except what I was thinking in my head, wasn't coming out of my mouth. Spike, I wasn't picking apart your past relationships again. I was trying to make you understand something and when I used what you said to me the day of the doctor's appointment, I only thought of it as a valid point that you used to try to get you to understand. It came out all wrong and what I meant was different than what was in my head."

"And you're the writer," he teased.

"I think if I could have written it down, it would have come out the right
way, honestly. I just felt so anxious and a million things were running
through my mind at once and you were freaking out on me—I didn't know
what was going on." She sighed heavily this time. "I'm sorry I made you
feel bad."

He started for her, but she held up her hand, stopping him. "No. I need to
get this out first. What I was trying to explain to you is that it could have
been anyone—Xander, Angel, Jonathan—any of them could have a one
night stand and end up getting some girl pregnant. I wasn't singling you out
specifically, I was lumping you in with a group of people when I was trying
to explain it, and it sounded like I was singling you out. I was trying to put
you in the place of the unknowing father and how YOU would feel. And I
know that if it were you, you would be there for your child." She stopped.
Anya floated to mind, unbidden, and Buffy saw her in her minds eyes,
swollen with Spike's child. Promptly, Buffy burst into tears. Spike started
for her again and this time she let him draw her into his arms. She held
onto him for dear life and sobbed into his shoulder. "I'm so sorry!"

"Buffy, pet, what just happened?"

"I just thought about how I would feel if someone told you they were
pregnant with your kid and it just hit me," she hiccupped, "how you felt
when I saw Brian!"

"Buffy, ssshhhh . . . Come here baby," he soothed gently. He led her to the
couch and drew her down to sit on his lap as he stroked her hair.

"I didn't realize. I just thought I was doing the right thing for her."

"You did, baby. You did do the right thing. Hindsight being what it is; I do
understand what you were trying to do. You didn't want to deprive your
baby of his biological father, if said father gave a damn."

"I just can't conceive of anyone not wanting anything to do with their
child," she sniffled.

"Brian is an asshole. He lied to you Buffy about something as simple as his
last name. Someone like that, he wouldn't have cared."

"I know that now, but I had to try. I always thought children changed
everything, even melted the hardest of hearts. Well, unless you're
psychotic and get some sick thrill out of abusing them instead of nurturing
them." She popped her head up and looked at him, cupping his face in her
hands and staring at him imploringly. "Do you understand that I wasn't
trying to accuse you of anything?"

"I just worry that you look down on me, that you feel I'm good enough—"

"Shush. Spike I don't look down on you. You know me. I have a low
tolerance for a lot of people, if I look down on you, you're pretty much
done," she tossed him a watery smile.

He chuckled.

"Yeah, you were a mimbo and it bothered me as a woman for women
everywhere, but I know the person that you are truly. You're kind, and
sweet, honest, and so incredibly generous. You give without a thought to
yourself and you've been so supportive. Not just recently, but in all the
time I've known you. You're the only one I know that can stand up to me
and get away with it." They broke off chuckling at that. "You have a heart
of gold William Randall Giles. You've always been my best friend and the
idea of losing you terrifies me."

"Never," Spike whispered, his own eyes welling up. "I wouldn't leave you
ever. Buffy, don't you know that you're everything to me? I went out of my
mind tonight. I just saw it all disappearing right before my very eyes. I was
desperate to hold onto it whatever the cost."

"Even if he did give a damn, there would be no way I'd ever leave you for
him."

"And if one day he pushed the two of you together? Wanted his mum and
da together?"

She leaned in close and kissed his lips softly and then whispered. "You're
her Dad."

He crushed her against him, mindful not to ‘crush' too much as to hurt her
or the baby. Buffy swore she felt tears fall on her shoulder.

"Promise me that when I say things that hurt you or bother you, you tell
me," she told him. "You know I will when you do, so you might as well join
the fun and do the same."

He laughed against her neck, the vibrations and his breath tickling her and causing goosebumps to form.

"I promise."

"You know what just happened here?"

He pulled back and wiped her tears away with the pad of his thumb.

"What?"

"This was one of those days where we argued and disagreed and hurt each
other, but unintentionally. And we're still together because we love each other. Someone wise once told me we'd do that and that we'd be stupid not to go for it because of it. You know, he was right and I'm really glad I listened to him."

He gazed at her lovingly, sweeping her hair away from her face. "I love you
Buffy. I always have and I always will."

"I love you too, Spike. I always have and I always will."

He leaned in and kissed her, pouring it all in and she did the same.
Breaking away, she looked up into his eyes and asked, "Are you doing
anything on Friday?"

He blinked. "No. I figured we would be together."

"Good."

"Why? What's happening Friday?"

She grinned. "It's a surprise."





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