She was a stubborn bint. There was no doubt about that. And normally Spike took on her challenges with fervor, but he didn’t this time. Couldn’t. Not when it came to matters of the heart. Despite her want for real and true love, Buffy Summers skittered off like a mouse the minute it all became too real. Being the cat, Spike had to make sure to play this game just right. No one could ever say Buffy’s wasn’t complex. He supposed that’s what made him fall for her in the first place. She wasn’t the same as the interchangeable and bird brained women he dated, if one could call it dating. He winced at that. And here he was wondering why she was skittish with him. She’d seen first hand the girls he’d gone out with, the girls he dumped thoughtlessly. Buffy guarded her heart like a fortress. Her gunmen were barbs that could make a direct hit and slay the poor gentleman who dared cross her
river of denial to win her heart. Then there was that one night
stand guy. The baby producing guy with the fake name.
“I don’t understand you at all,” he told her as he drove with
his eyes focused on the road. When he demanded they
speak at that moment, she’d closed off, her eyes had gone
glittery with defiance and her hands had bunched
themselves into fists at her sides. He knew he was in trouble
then. She then took a deep breath and lifted her chin and told
him that she’d talk to him, but that they would go somewhere
and talk, not hash it out on a busy sidewalk. He’d agreed and
she’d given him directions to the trellis she used to visit as a
kid. It was away from large crowds, but the road was just
close enough. That hint was loud enough. If he started firing
too much her way, she’d run. He told her again she should
have gone into P.I. work.
“What?” she asked, slightly weary. That could work to his
advantage.
“Would ‘Brian’ have had this much trouble if he stayed?”
She froze; he cursed himself. Then he straightened. No,
this is what she needed. For him to lay all the cards out on
the table for her. He had to or she’d never see and they
wouldn’t get anywhere. Of course that meant he had to lay
his cards out—meaning his heart—and hope she didn’t laugh
at him.
She didn’t answer him and he didn’t press her. Jumping out
of the car once they arrived she yelled at him. “You’re an
asshole!”
“I wouldn’t have to be one if you weren’t so bloody
difficult!” he yelled back, following her to the trellis. She stood
on it, looking at the water with her back to him, her hair
shining in the sun and her arms wrapped around herself.
He came up behind her, careful not to make any sudden
moves. It was like hunting a bloody deer. “Buffy, let’s hash it
out. Tell me all of it. I want to know why you think that kiss
had anything to do with acting. Especially since no one in
your family was around to witness it.”
She turned to him, a blank expression on her face. “It still
wasn’t real.”
“How so?”
“We talked about this on the ride down. I told you it could
get awkward and it has—“
“I don’t feel awkward. I feel goddamn frustrated.”
“Why?”
“So you didn’t feel the erection I was sporting when we
kissed?”
Her cheeks flamed red and she looked away. He put his
hand under her chin and made her look at him. “Talk to me,
Buffy. We have a no holds barred relationship remember?”
“Friendship Spike. No holds barred FRIENDSHIP.”
“What’s wrong with me wanting you?”
She threw up her hands. “Because I’m your friend. Your
BEST friend I might add and when you want to have sex with
me it takes away from that. Then I become one of those
women that you’re dumping after a month and trying to figure
out how to get rid of at three in the morning once you’ve had
your fill of me.”
“Given this some thought have you?”
“It’s not a pretty picture you often paint. And what’s worse
is that you gloat about it. Like you should be handed an
award for womanizing.”
“And you should be handed the gold star of pushing love
away with both hands when it comes around,” he countered.
She made a show of looking around them. “I don’t see
anyone here to love.”
“That hurts pet.”
“What are you saying? That you love me?” she snorted.
“Yes, Buffy. That’s exactly what I’m saying. I more than just
want you Buffy. I love you.”
She shook her head. “For how long? A week? A month?
Just until the weekend is over? Just until you’ve had your fill
of me?”
“I could spend the rest of my life loving you Buffy and I
would never have reached my fill of you,” he told her, stark
honest.
She took a step back, eyes wild. “I don’t believe you. You
never said anything before. If you did—you don’t. You’re just
caught up in the moment-“
“The moment of WHAT Buffy? Of you telling me all the
reasons WHY I don’t love you, why I possibly couldn’t? How
about we try a different tune. How bout I tell you why I do
instead of why I possibly can’t.”
“No,” she started for the car.
He grabbed her arm, stopping her. “I told you we were
doing this Buffy Anne Summers and we will talk this out if I
have to tie you down to make you listen to me.”
There was no mistaking the lust that passed through her
eyes at that statement. So...Bird had a little S&M streak in her.
He refrained from indulging in that for minute.
She snapped her arm away from him. “Fine. Go. Talk.”
He ran a hand through his hair, frustrated. “You know, you
don’t make anything easy on a bloke. This wasn’t exactly
how I planned on telling you.”
“Oh? Did you have it planned then?”
“Not really PLANNED, but I didn’t imagine having to yell at
you and force you to listen to me.”
“No one forces me to do anything,” she seethed.
He grinned, “I know. That’s one of the things I love most
about you.”
She took pause, waiting. Don't blow it Spike.
"That first night Buffy, the time I met you? Do you know what
I wanted to do above all else?"
"Boink me?" she asked,tersely.
"Get to know you."
The shock was apparent. Then, disbelief crossed her
features. "Do I look that dumb to you?"
"Did I ever try to have sex with you?" he shot back gently.
"No," she said gently, kicking some dirt with her shoe.
"No, I never did. You were more to me than that."
She looked up at him. "You didn't find me attractive,did you?"
"What?" he asked incredulously.
"You thought I was hideous!" she accused.
He rolled his eyes. "No, I found you absolutely adorable. You
were all sleep tousled. It was endearing. Pulled right at the
heart strings, you did. Just like when you wear your glasses.
And I have a few fantasies about you and those glasses
with some white thigh highs--"
"Spike" she held up a hand, stopping him.
"Right. Just felt I had to prove a point since you thought I
didn't find you attractive."
"Point taken."
"Right then. Buffy,you're so many things to me. An angel, a
goddess. You're intelligent and determined and despite the
fact that you can be bitch, you have the biggest heart of
anyone I've seen. What you're doing for Jonathan, whom you
haven't seen in years tells me that once you care about
someone, you don't let them go. You're so loyal . . . and it
makes me feel that I must be something worthwhile if you're
willing to step up to bat for me. Which you have many times.
You make laugh more than any bird ever has and when I'm
with you, I feel alive. It's like when I'm creating a work of art. I
feel at home, at yet, alive. It was something I was meant to do
and I feel it every time I sculpt or pick up a paint brush. The
same goes for when I'm with you."
"You were meant to do me?"
"I was meant to love you."
She swallowed, suddenly looking so vulnerable. It was a
side he didn't often see, but he knew he was the only one
that saw it. That had to mean something...why couldn't she
see that?
"I don't want to be those girls Spike. I couldn't do it. I couldn't
be the girl that smashes your Sex Pistols CD. I couldn't bear it
if someone else were there to help you find it again and help
clean up your apartment and get ice cream with you--"
"Buffy, No one else will ever do that but you," he told her
earnestly. "No one but you is my best friend."
"But what happens when you get tired of me?"
He shook his head, "wouldn't happen. Ever."
"I don't want to lose you," she persisted, tears shining in her
eyes. "I need you."
His heart swelled and constricted at the same time at that
statement. He brought her into his arms. "I need you too
kitten. I need you for forever. I'd never leave you. Don't you
see that it just makes it all that much better because you are
my best friend?" he cupped her face in his hands and met
her eyes imploringly.
"I'm scared," she whispered.
"I love you Buffy," he told her firmly.
"I'm still scared."
"So am I."
"You're never scared."
"Neither are you, but you are now."
"So what do we do?"
"We be scared together. But we don't give up. You fight for
everyone you love Buffy. Can't I be on that list?"
"You already are."
"What does that mean?" he asked imploringly.
"It means that I . . . " she gulped. "Spike, I need some time to
digest this. Can I just have some time?"
He sighed and closed his eyes.
"Please don't be angry with me," she begged.
His eyes popped open. "I'm not."
"Can we go home now?"
He nodded and brought her into his arms one last time. "What
do you want to do?"
"Take a nap. Will you hold me?" She sounded like such a lost
little girl, Spike couldn't say no to her. Nor did he want to.
"Yes luv. I'll hold you. For forever if you let me."
"One step at a time," she murmured.
A/n: you guys are amazing. Thank you so, so much. I wish I could hug each and every one of you!!!
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