[A/N: As a writer, some chapters are harder to write than others. Some just seem to flow from the pen (or keyboard) and magically appear on the page before them. And some just resist all efforts to be expressed. The first nine chapters of this story were primarily the first – easy to write and easy to get through. That last chapter was a bitch. I’m not sure if it was because of the emotions or because I wasn’t feeling so hot for a week; or the fact that I cursed myself by saying this had all been going easily. Either way, its done. Hopefully it was halfway decent and readable. The title is from Anais Nin, from Incest, a Journal of love (5 February 1934 entry) and the quotes are as attributed. (Full title quote is I seek the real stuff of life. Profound drama.) Disclaimers in full force and effect.]
Previously: Everyone is out getting supplies. Buffy has taken a leap of faith with Spike and told him how she was feeling. This takes place immediately following the previous chapter.
Book Two, Chapter Eleven. The real stuff of life.
Oh, God, I know no joy as great as a moment of rushing into a new love, no ecstasy like that of a new love. I swim in the sky; I float; my body is full of flowers, flowers with fingers giving me acute, acute caresses, sparks, jewels, quivers of joy, dizziness, such dizziness. Music inside of one, drunkenness. Only closing the eyes and remembering, and the hunger, the hunger for more, more, the great hunger, the voracious hunger, and thirst."
Anais Nin, May 30, 1934 from Incest
He knew she didn’t confess her feelings easily. That it was hard for her to admit the way she felt. She had such capacity for love, could give herself over to it completely, could drown in it – if only every single time she’d done so in the past hadn’t gotten her poor little heart stomped on.
Spike looked at her, saw the fear lurking in the green depths of her sparkling eyes and his own heart nearly broke. The wariness crept in the longer he remained silent, afraid to trust him, afraid not to. “Buffy?”
His good hand came up to brush against her cheek. “You’re my world love. ‘M yours.”
She’d closed her eyes when he’d said her name, unable to hold his direct gaze. But she’d opened them again when his knuckles brushed against her skin. Her eyes grew impossibly wider when Spike’s words echoed the ones he’d said in her dream.
Was this it? Was this the moment the dream was foreshadowing? Buffy stared at him, a growing. . . . something . . . awareness in the pit of her belly. She had the feeling that this was one of those moments in life, that if she didn’t follow her instincts – that, if she didn’t leap – this chance would never come again. And if she didn’t, things would change between them . . . and eventually he would leave her. . . not because he didn’t love her, but because she wouldn’t trust herself to love him back.
Buffy opened her mouth and the words came tumbling out. “Yours. I’m yours. . . I don’t want anyone else. . . you . . . only you, Spike.”
His hand froze against her, his eyes burning into hers. Spike drew in a deep breath. “God woman. . . . what you do to me. . . Always . . . always, yours.”
“Love you.”
He smiled crookedly at her, unable to be any more eloquent than she’d been. His mind was racing, kept coming back to one thing, how she’d looked when she’d said “yours”.
The simultaneous cry of the baby and the phone ringing broke their focus on each other. Neither one was sure what to do, then Spike said, “give me the phone, you take the sprog.”
Buffy handed him the phone then lifted the baby into her arms. He settled down almost immediately, allowing Buffy to hear both sides of the conversation. It was Tara, giving them an update and letting them know they’d be a bit longer, because Anya wanted a disinvite spell and wards put on the shop, designed specifically for Angel.
Spike had rolled over onto his back to hold the phone to his ear and Buffy eyed his bare chest. It made such a comfy pillow. With the baby tucked into the crook of her arm, Buffy laid her head down on Spike’s shoulder, her back to his side, moving his arm until she was more comfortable. He grunted when she nearly knocked the phone from his hand and the baby sent up another wail, this time a more insistent one.
“Think he’s a bit hungry?” Buffy sat up again, taking the phone away from Spike and looking around for the bottle Tara had left with her earlier.
Spike’s stomach growled loudly and Buffy fought a giggle. “Must be. Both babies are hungry. Need some nummy treats?” The last was said to a now fully crying baby and Buffy got up from the bed. “Ssshhhh. All right . . . baby. Gonna get the bottle.”
There was another answering growl from Spike, causing outright laughter from Buffy. “So didn’t know vamps did that.”
“Quiet missy. When I’m back on my feet . . “ he mock growled at her, amusement twinkling in his eyes, then he winced at a particularly piercing wail from the baby.
“Oooohh the Big Bad is gonna get me?” Buffy was searching frantically, until she remembered that they’d put the bottle in the bathroom sink to keep it warm, since they had no idea when the baby was going to need to eat again. Her laughter floating behind her, she headed for it, saying “I’m soooo scared. . . . can’t you see me shaking?”
“Jus’ you wait little girl. Big Bad’s gonna give you what for.” He rumbled back at her, his eyes staring at her backside as she left the room.
“Promise?” She was standing at the doorway, infant and bottle in hand, gazing into his eyes.
“Yeah.” Their teasing had taken a serious turn and the promise of intense lovemaking lay between them.
“I can wait then.” She made her way back to the bed, reclaiming her spot next to him. As she was getting settled, Buffy asked, “can you reach my neck from here?”
“Buffy? You want to do this now?” Spike rolled over to cuddle against her, his injured arm resting on her hip and his good curling up under her head.
“Might as well. Gotta stay still for the baby and,” she sort of shrugged, feeling her shoulder brush against his, “you need to eat as much as he does.”
“Do you know how much I love you?” Not really expecting an answer, Spike leaned closer, kissing her shoulder. “Any idea at all?”
“Think I’m getting the picture.” She smiled as he continued to lay kisses on her shoulder. She shifted her head, dropping it down from the pillow to rest only on his good arm, exposing her neck for him. An almost purr rumbled from his upper chest and Buffy felt the vibrations all the way through her body. She couldn’t help the answering wriggle from her hips nor the soft “mmmmm” from escaping her.
He chuckled against her neck, whispering, “baby likes that?”
His answer was a soft exhalation that suspiciously sounded like a breathy moan of “yes.”
Spike licked her pulse point, Buffy moving closer and he tried holding her still. “Princess, can’t do more than this. Need you to stay still. Don’t need to give the sprog an education this early.” He breathed heavily against her neck, fascinated as the goose bumps rose on her skin, “but by god, kitten, I want you so much.”
“Spike.” She whined his name softly, unconsciously hugging the baby tighter.
“Love you.”
She could feel him shift behind her and knew the second he nuzzled against her with extended canines. He kissed her one more time and then gently, slowly sunk his fangs into her neck.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He hadn’t expected them to stand up to him, they were after all, swayed by emotional ties and had been caught by surprise.
Obviously happiness came in more than one form. The grin widened across his squared features. Wasn’t that a kicker . . . the great soul wrenched free by a tiny little baby.
Unfortunately for them that little stunt – Gunn slamming his huge boot down on his ankle – hadn’t done what he’d obviously intended. His leg wasn’t broken just badly bruised. They weren’t his first prey though, no, not by a long shot. So he’d let them all go, let them stew in their fear, worry about who was going to be first. . . . Let them wonder. He knew where he was headed.
He had to eliminate the one person he knew who could restore the soul. Once she was gone – his sights were set on the Slayer. And her traitor.
Oh yeah. The traitor was going to die.
But not until he watched all of them suffer and beg for release first.
First little Willow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It took her a more than full night’s sleep but the backlash from the summoning had finally worn off. She still felt groggy and a little fuzzy but for the most part she was feeling much better.
Making her way to the bathroom, Willow figured a hot shower would help. Ducking her head over the sink Willow didn’t notice until she stood up and faced the mirror. Blinking at her altered reflection, Willow shook her head once more. Huh. . . need some sunlight, I guess.
Shrugging the changes off as a trick of the light, Willow stepped into the shower.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Between them, Wesley and Tara came up with wards that would work to keep Angelus from doing harm if he ever managed to get into the shop, Tara had left an opening for Spike but she wasn’t entirely certain it would work. They’d worked quickly, trying to get as much covered in as quick a time as possible, knowing they had to get back to Revello Drive before full dark. It was now nearly six and sundown was less than an hour away.
Anya was closing the shop at six and heading directly home. Until the Angelus situation was resolved she wasn’t keeping the shop open passed six – on Giles’ orders, and – again on Giles’ orders, the mail order business would take priority. Live customers could wait. He’d actually prefer if she wasn’t in the shop alone, but he didn’t want Buffy or Wesley to leave Spike alone.
Though, Tara thought, can’t imagine that Spike will be in bed longer than a couple of days. There was no doubt in her mind that Buffy wouldn’t let Spike drink from her. Tara was positive she’d done it when the hounds had nearly severed his wrist. There couldn’t be any reason why she would refuse him now. Her intuition was telling her that Giles knew it also. In this case it was the best course of action, they had too many unknown assailants, the knights, Angelus, the hounds . . . the number kept growing. If they didn’t get some good luck soon, Tara wasn’t sure they’d all survive.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Buffy was watching the baby drink, his tiny lips wrapped around the nipple, formula pooling at the corners of his mouth. He was a cute baby. Hard to tell right now who he resembled, though Buffy thought he had more of Darla’s looks than Angel’s, but his dark hair had to be from his father. She smiled, imagining what her own might look like. The probability of her having a blond baby was unlikely, since she was pretty sure Spike’s natural color was not bleach white.
Damn it.
She was trying not to think about him while he was . . . feeding , because his bite. . . Oh god his bite was intoxicating, taking her away, transporting her some place. . . It was almost like being. . . in that other place. . . memories of heaven were getting dimmer everyday, but being with him was akin to that feeling. Safe. Loved. Protected.
Involuntarily, Buffy’s hips wriggled again and Spike tried flexing his fingers around her hip, silently asking her to be still.
Lifting his head away from her neck slightly, Spike said, “kitten, please. . . can’t. . .” his breath was warmed by her blood and still it caused shivers down her spine. “Wan’ t’be inside you, love, to feel you aroun’ me, warmin’ me, surroundin’ me . . . I wan’ tha’ more than I wan’ to get up an’ walk.”
He licked her neck, closing the wounds. “But I can’t, love. . . can’t be where I wan’.” Slapping her butt with his closed fist, Spike play growled. “So stop wrigglin’ an’ givin’ me ideas, woman.”
Buffy giggled but did as he asked. “Did you get enough?”
“Yeah. ‘M not taking any more.” He sighed, resting his head against hers.
“Why?” She turned her chin, brushing against him. “Spike you need more.”
“Buffy. Can’t have you too weak either. Won’t do anyone any good if we’re both too weak to fight.” He nuzzled against her, “I’ll still be up and around quicker than you think.”
“Are you just telling me all this Spike? Or is this the truth?” There was a sort of amused exasperation in her tone, but he picked up on it.
“Buffy, headache is gone, ‘m talkin’, which means the fracture and broken jaw are healed. There’s only a bit of an ache in m’right leg.” He flexed the fingers of his right hand, feeling the skin stretch beneath the bandages. “The rest will take a bit more time, but should be better by week’s end.”
“Promise?”
He pushed up as much as he could, using his uninjured arm. “Promise, love.”
“Okay.”
That show of strength was too much and Spike had to drop down heavily unto the pillow.
“How soon?” She asked again feeling the bed dip from his weight.
“Buffy. Let it go. Be up soon.”
She could hear the growing aggravation in his voice, but she was concerned. Didn’t want him just telling her he was going to be okay when he wasn’t.
“Don’t tell me what I want to hear, Spike, tell me the truth.” There was an edge in her voice that she couldn’t fight.
“What’s today?” His rising irritation wasn’t hard to miss.
“Late Sunday afternoon.”
“An’ how many times today have I drunk from you? Three? Four?”
“Something like that. Three.”
“Plus yesterday.” He couldn’t hide the leer in his tone, then he quickly sobered, “‘m all ready healin’ kitten. Can feel the bones knittin’ together. Everythin’s right itchy.”
He shifted, rolling onto his back, easing the pressure on his left leg. “Should be up for a shower in the mornin’. ‘Specially if I get more from you.”
“So yeah, be up an’ around by the end o’the week.”
“Okay.” Resignation was clear in her tone and he knew she was just humoring him.
There was one other thing on her mind but she wasn’t sure how to bring it up, how to tackle this subject at all. Because she was sure not everyone was going to agree with her. She had to make sure Giles wasn’t just saying ‘chip or no chip’ to placate her, because she was going to put that to the test. The chip. . . .
It was coming out. As soon as she could arrange it. Whether she had to go to the Council or to the Initiative, that chip was coming out.
Spike wasn’t Angel, wasn’t likely to go on some ugly psychotic fish and friend killing spree – wasn’t going to stalk her or her friends, well . . . He might put some fear into Xander, but hey, he probably deserved it. He might threaten, might even throw a few punches, but Buffy didn’t believe for one second that Spike would kill Xander.
Or anyone that really didn’t deserve it.
The chip was their biggest weakness – their huge Achilles heel and she couldn’t allow that weakness.
Anyone bent on destroying them had a way to defeat them. All that had to be done was separate them and send humans after Spike – eventually he’d be unable to even defend himself . . . then he’d be . . . gone. . . and it was so fresh in her mind that her breath caught on a sob and new tears sprang to her eyes.
“Kitten?” He heard the sob and felt her breath catch.
Instead of answering, Buffy sat up, lifting the now full and very sleepy infant to her shoulder. Turning to face him, she stared into his concerned eyes, wiping her tears on the baby’s back. Blowing out a breath, she gathered her courage. “It has to come out.”
At first he had no idea what she meant, but the expression on her face, the set to her shoulders hinted what she was getting at.
There was no keeping the surprise from his voice. “What?”
“The chip.” Her jaw flexed, clenching a bit and her hold on the infant tightened. A look he’d seen often enough crossed her features, telling Spike this wasn’t just a whim or spur of the moment decision. Deciding not to question the what further, he tackled the why.
“Been thinkin’ ‘bout this have you?” He shifted, moving his left hand behind his head watching her closely.
“Yeah, I have.” Loosening her hands from around the baby’s back, Buffy didn’t flinch from his gaze. “Last night just kind of decided it for me.”
“What ‘bout me being a serial killer in prison?” He’d objected to that statement the first time she’d thrown it in his face and he was now returning the favor.
“You feel the urge to drain anyone lately?” She had a feeling he was going to bring that up and she was kind of prepared for it.
Before answering her, he gave the question the thought it required.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wesley and Dawn were in the truck, waiting for Oz and Tara to finish grocery shopping, not really talking. He was staring into space, his mind still focused on finding a weakness for Angelus. There weren’t many. He realized, however, that they currently had an untapped source of information about Angelus and how he fought and what, or rather, who he was most likely to target first.
There was a possible list of candidates he kept rearranging in his head, going over the permutations of who was the mostly likely first target. Any one of the AI team could be it; so to, could any one of the scoobies; Holtz was also a possibility. A chilling prospect would be if Angelus were to connect with anyone of the employees of Wolfram and Hart – including, quite possibly Lilah Morgan. Which would give him an advantage they might not be able to overcome. Another thing Wesley didn’t want to contemplate.
Dawn cleared her throat, then rested her head against the back of the seat Wesley was sitting on. She was tired, exhausted and the lack of sleep was beginning to tell. Wesley shifted, looking over the back of the seat to look down at her. “We’ll be home soon.”
“Ahuh.” She looked up at him, noting his exhaustion equaled or exceeded her own. “I’m so tired.”
Smiling down at her, Wesley laughed a bit. “I know just how you are feeling.”
A tired little twinkle entered her eyes. “Oh. I bet you do Mr. Former Watcher guy.” She laughed a bit, “you know, you used to be a real geek.”
“Thanks Dawn.” He winced, remembering just how badly his first stay in Sunnydale had been, “wasn’t exactly a shining moment for me.”
“Was it so bad? “ Dawn wanted to know, how things were from his perspective, since what she remembered wasn’t real. “Was it all bad?”
“No. It wasn’t all bad.” Looking back, it really wasn’t, there had been some moments when things were settled, but then either his own overblown sense of importance and insecure need to force Giles out of the picture would surface and he’d destroyed whatever inroads he’d made. “But it really wasn’t very good.”
“Oh, vague it up a bit more Wes.” She stuck her tongue out at him, completely catching him off guard. “Still with the cryptic talk.”
He froze, realizing she was flirting with him, all at once unsure what to do. She was attractive, but good heavens, she was only fifteen years old. Without any idea how to behave, Wesley was at a loss. Falling back on his strengths, he launched into an excruciatingly detailed account of what it had really been like, at least from his view.
Dawn listened, letting his voice wash over her, his presence giving her a bit of security.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oz was hovering by the meat section, trying to decide what they needed more of, steak or bacon, while Tara was getting other stuff. Wesley was outside with Dawn, both of them nearly out on their feet. Once more he’d just handed them both a handful of bills, weariness etched on his features.
He knew what he wanted to get and that would probably be okay with Spike and at least one of the girls but he wasn’t sure his wishes counted in this instance.
Contemplating his options, Oz smiled a little when Tara’s voice sounded in his ear. “Get both. We have a lot of people to feed.”
“Hey.” Glancing at her, Oz shrugged a little, “not sure everyone eats it,” he lifted the steaks, raising an eyebrow.
“I’m the only one that won’t. But,” she whispered, leaning closer to her, “if this is around, I’m not responsible for what happens.” As she spoke she grabbed the bacon from his hand.
He smiled again, moving away to grab another package when an oh-so-familiar voice spoke.
“Tara?”
Turning around, Oz saw a stricken wounded look cross her features then she steeled herself to face the form of her ex-girlfriend. He froze, aware that Willow hadn’t seen him yet.
Please let me know what you think. Good, bad or otherwise, I need to know. Thanks.
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