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*If I could hold you know, just for a moment, if I could really make you mine... Just for a while turn back the hands of time, if I could only hold you know...*

Buffy walked to the top of the hill, a stake in one hand and her other hand wrapped around the cross hanging from her neck. She stopped when she reached the top, her eyes taking in the lights of the town below. A shiver ran through her as the wind picked up and rustled through the trees. She knelt down on the soft grass and looked up to the sky and the thousands of stars winking at her. She let out a shaky breath and gripped the cross tightly in her hands.

"Do you know how hard it is?" She spoke her words to the night sky and tried to hold back the tears. "Living here without you? Remembering all the time I wasted. All the time I could've-" A sob hitched in her chest. "Could've spent in your arms. All the things I should have told you, things I denied for so long. I was so wrong."

She shook her head and the stake in her hand splintered as she clenched her fist in anger.

"So fucking stupid. I hurt you so much and you- you just came back for more. How? How could you want me? I was the monster! Me." Her hand thumped hard against her chest. "All you did was love me. All you did was love me and what did I do to you, huh? I destroyed you. I pushed and pushed, trying to prove myself right. Trying to prove that you really were a monster. And I did, didn't I? I finally pushed enough." Blood ran down her hand as she stood to her feet, yelling at the sky. Yelling at him.

"And what did you do? You won your soul. For me. Why? Why did you do that? I wasn't even worthy of the demon, how could I have ever been worthy of your soul?!" She ran her bloody hands through her hair and gripped her head as she cried. "Why couldn't I see. Why did I have to be so fucking self- righteous." She slumped to the ground, her energy drained.

"Why didn't you let me die there with you? Why did I have to make that stupid promise? Because I can't do it. I can't live without you. Now that I know, now that I've realized what you mean to me."

Her blood smeared across the smooth stone as she gripped the cross in her hands, her body falling back to the ground as she wept.

"Spike..."


*If you could only hear me now, crying somewhere through the lonely nights, dreaming of the arms that held me tight... If you could only hear me now...*





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