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Don’t Leave Me

There was a soft knock at her door. Buffy ignored it and pulled the pillow over her head. Granted she had slept most of the day before but between the blood loss and the mating she was exhausted. The door creaked open and Willow softly asked if she was awake. She groaned and turned away from the door huddling, deeper into her pillow. "Come on Buffy, wake up. Giles found some things and he wants to try breaking the bond when the sun's at its peak. It's an opposite power slot from the one Drusilla used. Buffy?"

Buffy groaned and rolled over. Spike was sound asleep, downstairs somewhere. All she felt through the bond was a restless edge. The same she had battled with last night. If she had let him sleep in her room, at least near her, she probably would have slept better. Stupid Bond. Stupid Vampires. Her and Magic were just unmixy things. Why did this creepy stuff always happen to her? Oh yeah because she was the "Slayer". Being the Slayer sucked. She finally braved the world outside her cocoon and peeked over the top of her pillow to spy Willow standing awkwardly at the end of the bed. "Was it so awful to have Spike here last night? He was being creepily nice to you, did he get under your skin?"

"Oh God!" Buffy moaned and hid under the pillow again. She didn't even want to think about it. Under her skin was a major understatement. Try having sex with him on the couch, losing complete control over her body and emotions, and then laying up most of the night thinking about it. As if actually sleeping with an un-souled evil Vampire that she really didn't know that well wasn't bad enough, she wanted to do it again. She had never had any experience like that before; she thought that kind of thing only happened in romance novels. Neither of her sexual experiences had even come close to the myriad of pleasure she had experienced with Spike. She hadn't believed that sort of passion existed. And she felt horribly guilty, not only because she had slept with him and liked it, but because it had been far better then what she had felt with Angel. And she loved Angel. She felt like she was betraying him even though he had left her. And who sleeps with two Vampires? What kind of Slayer sleeps with her mortal enemy? She groaned again as tears leaked from her eyes. She was a Vampire slut!

"Buffy?" Willow asked softly setting down on the bed. "Are you OK? Did Spike do something? This whole thing must be majorly weird. You want to talk about it?" Wiping her eyes on the pillow Buffy sat up and gave her friend a wobbly smile. There had been a time when she might have told Willow what had happened. And she still might. But she had grown up a lot in high school. The hell mouth can do that to a girl. And this was something she wanted to sort through in her own mind for a while before she shared it with anyone. Figure out how she felt about it before she let anyone else's opinion in.

"No, Spike kept mostly to himself last night." It wasn't precisely a lie, majority of the night he did sit downstairs and watch TV. "This whole thing is just messing with my head and I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. So Giles found a cure huh?"

"Not exactly. I better let him tell it." Willow smiled and stood, patting her leg. "I'll let you get dressed; you can't go downstairs in that." Buffy looked down at her outfit and blushed, remembering how Spike had ogled her in it.

"Most of my conservative jammies are at the dorm and I spilled something on my Yummy Sushi ones yesterday." Willow just nodded and walked out, closing the door behind her. She hadn't spilled anything on her pajamas, but she had been so turned on by Spike that her crotch had been slightly damp. She wasn't about to wear them again, not until they were washed, at least twice. She got out of bed and walked to the mirror looking herself over harshly. She looked pale and wane. Her roots were showing and her hair was lanky. The angry redness had faded from her bite mark and by tomorrow it would look like an old scar. Spike had bitten her directly over Angel's bite mark. How he could see it in the dark she didn't know. Did it mean anything? Probably some sort of pissing contest that she wouldn't really understand. She didn't even want to think about how Angel was going to react to this new situation.

Well that settled it; everybody was going to wait while she put herself together. Because she didn't want to scare anyone with the monster staring back at her in the mirror. So she snuck down the hall to the bathroom and took care of necessities. Including brushing her teeth and washing her face. She snaked back to her room just as quietly.

She dressed carefully. Why did she have so many sexy pairs of underwear? Why didn't she have any Granny panties? Finally she chose a red lacy panty set with light padding in the bra. Wasn't like he was going to see them anyway. Nope, she was clothing girl.

It was too hot for a scarf or a turtleneck. So she chose a flattering red shirt with a vee neckline. The choice of said shirt had nothing to do with the fact that Spike seemed to like red. Her Cross Choker was red. She decided against a skirt. If she had to kick Spike she didn't want him goggling at her panties again. Yes she had seen his eyes glaze over in that way that men do when they think naughty thoughts. In a strange twisted sort of way she was pleased that she was learning to read his expressions and moods. All of her shorts were ridiculously short; she didn't want him staring at her legs. So she settled for a simple pair of five pocket jeans and frowned when she put them on. Were they too tight? Did she own any jeans that weren't tight? And really did it matter, she wasn't going to change the way she dressed for crying out loud! She dug out her chain link belt and carefully adjusted her choker so it hid her bite mark. Then sat at her vanity and carefully erased all signs of exhaustion with the miracle of make-up and brushed her hair till it was shiny once again. Finally she completed her look with her favorite low cut ass kicking boots, black leather went with everything.

She stood in front of her mirror for several long minutes. She was going to have to face him. She fought for composure. She would act like nothing happened.

The living room was empty except for Spike, who was sprawled out face down on the couch in nothing but his jeans. An empty bottle of Scotch, an empty bottle of Bourbon, and an empty Doritos's bag graced the coffee table. She winced at the claw marks on his back. Her fingernails had done that and she hadn't even realized it. Oh God. The gang must have seen them. Maybe they would assume Dru had made them. Of course they would. Why even the thought of Dru touching him, marking him, made her stiffen with jealousy she didn't know. In a hundred years he must have made love to her a thousand times or more. Her eyes darted around the room and she cringed again. Spike's leather, his shirts, her shirt and bra all over the floor by the wall. She raced over snatching up the clothes. She stuffed her items in the cushions of the chair and then laid Spike's things over the back of the couch. She also hid her jeans out of sight but she couldn't find her panties.

It was too late anyway. Xander would only see what he wanted to see, and it wouldn't occur to Willow, she was still very much the innocent that she had met years ago. But Giles. Giles knew. He knew Drusilla scratches would have healed with the slayer blood and he knew what clothes all over the floor meant. They must be in the kitchen but she couldn't face them. She watched him sleep and thought about waking him up so that she wouldn't have to face them alone.

He was the very picture of debauchery. Passed out drunk, half naked. One arm dangling to the floor, head resting on his other arm. His skin all creamy, even in this relaxed state his muscles were so hard that each one was clearly defined. His jeans rode low on his hips and fit him like a second skin, molding his tight little behind and his long graceful legs. As muscled as the rest of him she had found. His hair was mussed into little curls that gave him the sexy bedroom look. His face was turned to the couch so all she got was a profile of cheekbones, defined jaw line. Drusilla had good taste for a crazy lady; she had chosen the perfect specimen to be her sex toy for all eternity. Buffy sighed and turned, she didn't need anyone to stand beside her, she was the slayer after all. Just then her friends came barreling into the room. Thank God they hadn't caught her ogling.

Xander and Willow were laughing, balancing pizza boxes and books. Giles was more subdued and didn't quite meet her eyes. She suddenly wished she had woken Spike so he could put on a shirt. "Buffy you're up! I am the Pizza God, I come bearing gifts!" Xander sang happily depositing his armload on the coffee table, Willow right behind him. All the noise disturbed Spike even in his drunken state and he rolled over onto the floor with a thump. Without opening his eyes he blindly fumbled up on the couch with one hand till he found the blanket and pulled it onto his face. Xander lost his cheery mood. His eyes sharpened with dislike and his lip curled into a sneer. Buffy headed him off.

"Spike, get up. Pizza's here." She stepped over him and flopped onto the couch, opening one of the boxes and helping herself to a slice.

"Can smell it Slayer" Spike mumbled and she giggled. Oh God, she had giggled. There was something wrong with her in a big way. Good thing they were breaking this bond today so that she could dust Spike and get on with her pathetic life. Willow stepped over Spike to sit by her but Xander sat stiffly in the chair, unwilling to come even that close. Giles set down his books as well and grabbed a slice of Pizza, but remained standing. Also unwilling to sit so near to Spike.

Spike rolled over groaning and stumbled to his feet, glaring bleary eyed around him. Buffy hid her smile and silently handed him his tee-shirt from off the back of the couch. He took it and stumbled into the bathroom with none of his usual grace. The shower came on. Just make yourself at home why don’t you. Giles sat on the end of the couch and the four of them ate in a silence broken only by the “Bloody Hell!” That filtered out of the bathroom. Finally Buffy sat her last crust down on the empty box and turned to Giles. "So what's the Up?"

Giles looked up and met her eyes with resolve. "Well, I found no reference to the mating bond in my texts." His voice held an edge. Things that were not in his books were not as real to him as things that were. "So we researched Siring. Without learning much more then I already knew." The shower shut off. "There are ways to break the Sire bond. Death of course, the Sire can also be challenged and willingly release the bond to the winner, this involves blood play and the bond has to be transferred it can't just be released." The door opened and Spike ghosted into the room. She didn't think the others were even aware of him he was so silent. "We found two separate Spells that could be used to break the bond; one of them would cause the death of said Sire and would require a live human sacrifice. The other had references to some cases of insanity in both parties."

Giles took off his glasses to polish them and noticed Spike with a start. "There are other spells, unrelated, that deal with psychic bonds and telepathy. Mostly these references deal with creating such bonds. It's dark magic, usually fitting the mold of mind control or slavery." Spike moved into her line of vision. He was still barefoot and his tee-shirt did nothing to hide his muscles. He scooped up a piece of Pizza, bending at the waist. Skin rippling, jeans tightening over delightful parts. Hair still wet, curls abolished. "Willow and I have worked out a reversal to one of these spells, and combined it with one of the Sire Spells. We don't believe the side effects will be overly traumatic and failure will not result in death. The sun will peak in," Giles conferred with his watch "twenty seven minutes; this would be the best time to try it."

"What kind of side effects are we talking Watcher?" Spike asked between Pizza bites. His devil may care persona was back in place. A thin stream of irritation ghosted through the bond but mostly she got wariness and hunger. Oh God, he hadn't fed for two days. She hadn't even thought about it. Maybe she should send Willow and Xander to the butchers to buy Pigs Blood like they used to do for Angel. Maybe it wouldn't come up. Maybe in twenty seven minutes she'd be free of him and he had promised to take Drusilla and leave. She'd expected to feel hate through the bond, if not for her then for her friends, now that he could concentrate on something other then boundless lust. But there was no hate, and occasionally she felt small squashed surges of affection. She felt slightly odd too. When she had thought of Drusilla earlier her hate of the dark haired temptress had faded and she had almost felt a fondness for her. Yep, it was way past time to separate her mind from Spike's.

"I'm not entirely certain." Giles admitted. "Most likely physical sickness, which I believe will be temporary. As well as headache and possible nosebleeds. I am fairly certain that the spell we have worked out will not result in psychological side effects and that the physical side effects will be temporary and preferable to the current state of affairs." That didn't sound entirely pleasant and she could see why Giles had glossed over it. Leave it to Spike to zero in on the loophole. He just grunted and shrugged though, grabbing another slice of Pizza. Giles looked at Willow. "We'd better get things prepared. We're going to use the kitchen since the spell requires a sand circle and the bathroom isn't big enough." Willow nodded, darted a look at Spike and followed Giles into the kitchen. Xander didn't follow, he looked resolute, as if he was protecting her from the Big Bad in her living room. It was almost laughable. But his loyalty was not. She could bite her tongue and not laugh at Xander because he had faced death with her over and over. After a moment of awkward silence the three of them went into the kitchen too.

Willow was concentrating on laying her sand in a wide circle. Much larger than those she usually drew. Giles was placing lit candles around Willows circle in a careful outer circle. Red Candles. Fat one, Skinny One. Fat One, Skinny one in a pattern. She'd never understood how the color of a candle or the thickness of a candle or how the candles were come by made such a difference. Sometimes Willow had to make her own candles for spells and sometimes she bought them. But a stolen candle was supposed to very dangerous to the castor. Willow finished her circle, carefully checking that there were no breaks and than stepped out and began placing white candles in a third ring around the first two. Giles finished with the red and began to light the white ones. It was going to take forever to get the dripped wax off of her mother's shiny floor.

Spike was standing too close to her. His front millimeters from touching her back, but she found it strangely comforting and didn't want him to step away. Despite Xander's glare. After a moment of starting Xander seemed to realize that they were aware of it and looked hastily away. Giles checked his watch again. "Spike, Buffy, you'll both sit in the circle. No weapons." Buffy began to step over the rim and Giles grabbed her arm. He got a low growl in warning from Spike but ignored it. "Your cross is a weapon Buffy." She wished she had worn her other choker, she didn't want Spike to see her bite mark. But there was no hope for it now so she reached up and removed the strap of velvet around her neck and put it in Giles hand.

She felt another burst of possessiveness from Spike and shook her head to clear it, climbing into the circle, careful of the candles. Spike stared at her for a moment before starting suddenly and pulling a switchblade from his pocket. And surprisingly a cross of his own suspended on a heavy gold chain from his other pocket. He handed them both to Giles, careful only to handle the chain of the cross. She wanted to ask about it, but that would imply an intimacy that they didn't share so she kept her mouth shut as he climbed in opposite her and sank gracefully into Indian style.

Not wanting to stare at Spike she inspected the sand. Willow had used a shiny blue. She wondered if it meant anything. Probably. Giles killed the lights creating an intimate world with just her and Spike. She couldn't help but look at him. Candlelight danced on his sharp features, the light catching in his eyes, sometimes blue, sometimes dark. "Xander, you'll catch Buffy, it's important she doesn't leave the circle and there is a good possibility that they will both pass out. I'll do the same for Spike. You two need to hold hands." Her head whipped around at Giles.

"What?" She didn't like the shrill sound of her voice. Spike smirked at her but she felt calmness through the bond. No fear from him. He was insane. She didn't want to touch him. His touch did things to her. Willow answered.

"We need to create a physical circle between you; I'll break it halfway through the spell." Her voice was calm, collected. When she was working magic it was almost like she was a different person. Like a doctor at the scene of the crime. In control and expecting obedience. Spike held out his hands palm up and she reluctantly placed her hands in his. He squeezed them reassuringly and ran his thumb over her knuckles. How a simple touch, in front of all these people, could border on such intimacy she didn't know. It must just be her imagination. He gave her a small smile, with none of his usual mockery and despite herself she found herself returning it. Willow began to sweep around them counterclockwise, her soft voice sing-songing in a gentle chant. Buffy knew from experience this was probably just a protection spell, or blessing the candles, or whatever. Spike's hands were slightly calloused and firm in her own. She found herself wishing that she had put hand lotion on that morning and painted her nails.

She found she couldn't look away. She had let him touch her, kiss her, lick her body. She had let him inside her. She had kissed him back, she had helped undress him, and she had run her hands over his body. And here they sat like the strangers they were. Holding hands. Getting a divorce. How absurd was her life. Plus she was slightly nervous. Giles usually sounded much more assured whenever he condoned the use of magic. She had a feeling that his haste in this case was due to the blatant evidence she had left laying around testifying to last nights activities. Spike was nervous too. He didn't show it but she could feel it, feel him trying to fight it down. His tongue ran across the top of his teeth. He jerked his head to the side, popping his neck. His eyes never left hers. She felt Xander taking his place behind her and Giles moved up closer to Spike. Willow sat down in her own smaller circle and began to chant in a more monotone voice. Her voice was starker now. It was so weird, as if everyone else in the room was secondary, and her and Spike were the only one's real.

She felt tingles race up her arms and zoom through her body. Spike's hands warmed and she found herself clutching him harder, unwilling to let go. The candles began to burn brighter, flames flickering uncontrollably. Something wasn't right. This was frightening her. Her nails dug into Spike's hands and he gripped her back hard enough to break a normal person. She felt the stirring of desperation in both of them. She wasn't going to let him go; they couldn't make her let him go. Willow stood abruptly and her arm came down in a sharp arc, words pouring from her mouth in a stark yell. Spke was ripped from her, he was no longer holding her hands. She dived for him and found a wall between them. She pounded on it with her hands, Spike mirroring her on the other side. Panic was taking her over, her mind was screaming, and she realized suddenly that high pitched shrieks were coming from her mouth. The barrier was invisible but becoming coated with her blood as she tried to get through to him.

She would die without him.

She could feel his panic as well and he was yelling something to her but she couldn't hear anything at all over the roar in the room. She heard something shatter. Spike was throwing himself up against the barrier and also up against the circle. Apparently they were blocked in from all sides. They were trapped apart. He sank to his knees, his hands mirroring hers on the glass, eyes wild with his demon. An icy wind swept through the room, blowing out all the candles. The barrier dissolved and the room was suddenly silent apart from her own wails.

Spike gathered her up into his arms, burying his face in her hair and rocking her like an infant. She clung to him and cried. Giles started to step forward, perhaps to comfort her and Spike clutched her closer to him and growled menacingly. It was the soothing feelings she felt coming from him that finally calmed her hysteria. He was still hers, they hadn't taken him away. She subsided to hiccups and closed her eyes, safe with him, where she belonged. He whispered soft words that made no sense to her addled brain but his voice was like a lifeline. She didn't know how long that she sat there before reality began to dawn on her. Why had she acted like that? It made no sense. She felt the stirrings of embarrassment. But she had never been more terrified of anything in her life. She finally raised her head a little sheepishly. They were huddled on the kitchen floor in the dark amidst ruined candles and scattered sand. They were alone. He met her eyes for a moment, before holding up her hands one by one and examining them. They were bruised and bloody from beating against that invisible barrier, his were too she noticed.

Just thinking about those long moments of panic stirred her fear again. He rubbed her back in a soothing circle and she laid her head down on his shoulder, letting her eyes drift shut. He would take care of her tonight and she would let him. She couldn't remember the last time she had let someone take care of her, the last time she had had that option. She was the Slayer, and the world rested on her shoulders, but not tonight. Tonight she just wanted to rest.

Spike climbed smoothly to his feet, shifting her weight in his arms. She slipped her arms around his neck and buried her face in his collarbone. Breathing in his soothing scent. She let him carry her into the living room. She heard him and her friends talking, but their voices seemed far away as she drifted in that haze between asleep and awake.

"How is she?" Giles asked

"She's tired, emotionally exhausted." Spike's voice sounded raw and rough and angry. On her behalf. That was comforting in a strange twisted way.

"Something interfered with the spell Spike. An outside force. I'm concerned about her mental stability. I hadn't expected her to fight it like that; we had expected you both to pass out. The bond, is it still complete? Do you think she'll be alright?" Spike growled low in his chest, a rumbling they might not have even heard.

"I still feel the same. I think all she needs is sleep Watcher, but I'm not sure." She heard them standing, shuffling. Willow was sniffling, perhaps she had been crying. Xander said something soft to her and the door opened.

"I'm leaving my number by the phone Spike. Please call us if things get worse, or if either of you need anything at all." He hesitated. "I'm sure you don't want to leave Buffy, I left some blood in the fridge, it's human, from the hospital." The door clicked softly leaving them alone again and Spike carried her up the stairs. He pulled the covers down, laid her on her bed and pulled away. Her eyes shot open.

"Where are you going?" Her voice held the tight edge of renewed panic. He mustn't leave her.

"I'm getting the first aid kit for your hands. I'll be right back Buffy, I'm not going anywhere." Good as his word he returned and knelt by the bed. She watched with hooded eyes while he carefully applied ointment and wrapped her hands. He stood and slipped her shoes off her feet one at a time, placing them carefully by the bed. He crossed to her dresser, pulling open two drawers before he found the one with her pajamas and pulled out a lacy slip. He knelt by the bed again. She watched him while he unbuttoned her jeans and than slid them down her legs, letting them fall to the floor. She was too tired to feel embarrassment. Even when his eyes darkened at the sight of her red panties. She let him pull her to a sitting position and pull her shirt over her head. He quickly removed her bra and slipped the nightgown over her head. Sweeping his hand along the back of her neck to free her hair.

He bent and placed a gentle kiss right over her bite mark before he laid her back down, pulling her gown over her hips and down her legs. He stood again, whipped off his shirt and climbed into bed with her, pulling the covers over both of them. She turned into the crook of his arm pushing her face in his neck again. His arms came around her again and she instantly fell asleep.







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