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"Spike! Spike!"

Spike woke slowly, Buffy's voice pulling him from an uneasy sleep. He frowned, deciding he must've been dreaming that she was calling for him.

"Spike, are you home?"

Spike sat straight up. Buffy was there, in his house. He jumped out of bed, struggling to put on his jeans as he ran out of the bedroom, shutting the door behind him. Buffy was standing in the hallway. She smiled when she saw him, then ran to him, throwing her arms around him.

"Spike, I'm so sorry," Buffy said, hugging him tightly. "I was wrong. I love you, Spike. I love you so much."

Spike pulled her back, holding on to her arms as he stared at her, his expression one of shock and disbelief. "You…you love me?"

"Yes. I know I didn't treat you right before, and I'm sorry. But I do love you. I want to be with you."

"And Riley?"

"It's over," Buffy said. "I…I caught him in a hotel with a hooker last night. I don't know why I ever tried to hold on to that. You're the one I want—the one I need."

Spike cupped Buffy's face in his hand. "Pet, I…"

"Blondie Bear?"

Spike froze, then cursed under his breath. How could he have forgotten about that…

Buffy looked up sharply, her mouth falling open as Spike's bedroom door opened, and Harmony walked into the hallway, wrapped in Spike's sheet. Buffy looked at Spike in disbelief for a moment before her expression changed to anger. "Harmony? You slept with Harmony!"

"I…I can explain."

Buffy held up her hand. "No. I can't believe you…with that skank!"

"Excuse me!" Harmony yelled. "You're not going to let her talk about me like that, are you, Spikey?"

"Harm…" Spike said, his voice a warning."

"Spike… Make her go away," Harmony said.

Spike closed his eyes for a second, willing himself to stay calm. "Harmony, I need you to leave."

"What! Don't tell me you're picking that over me. Do you have any idea how much of a freak she was in high school?"

"I don't bloody care!" Spike yelled, turning around to face Harmony. He tried to remember why bringing her home had seemed like a good idea the night before, but couldn't. "Just go."

"What, but…" Harmony stopped, glaring. "I gave you the best…bunch of months of my life!" She stormed over to Spike, holding the sheet to her with one hand as she used the other to slap him. "I thought I could change you, Spike. I thought maybe if I gave, and I gave, and gave, maybe you'd come around. Maybe be a little nicer. Stop treating me like your dog. But now I see it's you. You're the dog." She slapped him again, then went back to the bedroom.

Spike and Buffy stood in the hallway, an awkward silence hanging between them until Harmony came back out of the bedroom, dressed. She stood in front of Spike, smirking. "And you can say good-bye to this," Harmony said, pointing to her behind, "because you're not going to see it anymore. Ever." She started to walk away, but then stopped. "Unless you run into me somewhere, and it's me, walking away from you. But even then, I'll probably just, you know…back away." True to her word, Harmony backed down the hallway until Spike couldn't see her anymore.

The backdoor slammed. Buffy looked up at Spike. "How could you? Harmony?"

"How could I? In case you've forgotten, you're the one who ended things."

"And you immediately jumped into bed with her! I thought you loved me…"

"I did…I do! I do love you, Buffy! This thing with Harmony, it was a mistake. I was upset, I went out, and I ran into her. It wasn't planned, it wasn't to hurt you, it just happened. I love you…"

"Then how could you with her! I hadn't been gone any time at all!"

"What, you don't like the fact that I wasn't sittin' in some dark corner, crying like a bloody baby? That's right self-centered of you, pet."

"Oh no. Don't try to make this about me. You're the one who was in bed with…that."

"I'm not Riley."

"What?"

"That's what this is about, innit? You catch Riley in bed with some two-bit tart, and you come here and take it out on me."

"That is not what this is about. God, I can't believe you!"

Spike felt all the frustration he'd been holding inside for his whole relationship with Buffy rising to the surface. "Fine. I shagged Harmony, and I probably shouldn't have. I made a mistake. I do that from time to time. But you left, Buffy. You said it was over. You're the one who wanted to end it, not me. You walked out that door, giving up any right you had to get pissy about what I choose to do with my life."

"Get pissy? You think that's all this is? You were supposed to love me!"

"And that was real convenient, wasn't it?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Am I supposed to believe that you would be here right now if Riley hadn't proven himself to be less than a boy scout?" Spike chuckled bitterly. "Hardly. You say you love me, but you don't. You just want me to make you feel better after what Riley did you—make you feel. I'm not going to do it anymore. I'm not going to let you use me, just so you can dump me again when you've got your fill."

"I'm not…" Buffy's mouth snapped shut. "Fine. Have a nice life, William."

"You, too, Buffy."

Buffy walked out, ignoring the sounds of things breaking that resounded through the house.

*** *** ***

"I guess I should just go and start packing my things."

Buffy didn't look up as Riley walked into the house. "That would probably be for the best."

"Buffy, I'm sorry."

Buffy sighed. "I'm sorry, too."

"For what?"

"Sit down, Riley. We should talk."

Riley sat in a chair facing Buffy, but a bit of a distance away from her. "About what? I cheated on you, and you're kicking me to the curb. What else is there to discuss?"

"Riley, you and I both know it isn't that simple."

"Is this about legal stuff? I'll pay alimony, no fight," Riley said.

"What? No! I don't want your money, Riley. This isn't about that. I wanted…I want us to be honest with each other, at least in this." Buffy took a deep breath, then let it out slowly. "I wasn't completely faithful to you either." Riley started to speak, but Buffy quickly added, "It was only one man. And…and it was fairly recently."

"Oh." Riley looked away. "Do you love him?"

"Yes. I do."

Riley glanced up just long enough for Buffy to see the pain in his eyes before he looked away again. "Are you going to be with him now?"

"No," Buffy replied, pushing back the tears that sprung to her eyes.

Riley pushed his hair back from his face. "I guess we really made a mess of this marriage, didn't we?"

"Yeah, I guess we did."

"Do you hate me, Buffy?"

Buffy thought about that question for a moment. Did she hate Riley? "No. It hurts that you felt like you could get something from those women that you couldn't get from me, but I don't hate you. We've been having problems for a long time. Some of them were your fault, some of them were mine. You were right when you said I always held back with you. I didn't mean to, but I did anyway."

"I am sorry," Riley said again. "For everything. I know I put you through a lot over the past few years."

"We married too young," Buffy replied. "We weren't ready for this, hadn't lived enough to decide what we wanted out of life. And you were also right, when you said Angel shadowed this marriage, just not in the way you thought. I wasn't distant with you because I wanted him. After that relationship, I was scared, worried what would happen if I let myself lose control with you the way I did with him. I thought that if I didn't, maybe I wouldn't get hurt. Looks like that plan backfired, huh?"

"I guess there's no way we can start fresh from here, is there?" Riley asked. "Give it a better shot this time…"

"No. I'm sorry, I just don't…love you enough for that. It'll be better for both of us if we just throw in the towel now."

"I know. I just figured it was worth a shot to ask. Um, there is one thing I wanted to discuss with you, though."

"What's that?"

"Dawn. I know you said you didn't want money from me, but I want to keep paying her tuition. Dawn means a lot to me, and I can't stand the thought of her suffering because of my mistakes."

"Our mistakes. But yeah, you can do that. Dawn…will appreciate it."

Riley nodded. "I am sorry, Buffy."

"I know. Me, too."

Riley stood, giving Buffy a soft, chaste kiss before going to the bedroom to pack.

*** *** ***

"Uh…knock knock?" Clem walked into Spike's house, surveying the damage around him. "Wow. It looks like something really bad happened in here. Spike, are you okay?"

Spike looked up from where he was sitting on the floor. "Hey, Clem. Remember when you told me not to do something stupid?"

"Yes. What did you do?"

"Harmony."

Clem frowned. "Yeah, she is pretty stupid. So what's with the destruct-o-rama?"

"Buffy came over this morning. Harmony was still here."

"Ouch. Buffy didn't break everything did she? Or Harmony…"

"No, that was me. Buffy left, and I was…well, I didn't trash my house out of glee."

"I thought Buffy had already broken it off with you."

"She did. But then she caught Riley shagging some chit, and she came back. She wasn't too happy to find I'd slept with Harmony last night…"

"I'm sorry, Spike. I…"

"You know what really hurts? She seriously didn't love me. I was just a thing to her. Something to play with. She got so mad about Harmony, so mad that I hadn't just pined away for her when she left me. And I know she wouldn't have come back if she hadn't found out the truth about Riley."

"I know it hurts, but maybe it's for the best. I mean, look at what she's reduced you to."

"When she said she loved me, she didn't mean it."

"Wait, she said she loves you? When?"

"Right before Harm walked out of the bedroom in a sheet."

"Did it occur to you that maybe Buffy does love you? Maybe finding out her husband was cheating gave her the jolt she needed to realize what she really had with you all along."

Spike looked up at Clem, his eyes wide, vulnerable. "Do you really think…" Spike closed his eyes, shaking his head. "No. She was using me. She said it enough before. I can't keep… I can't…" Spike looked around at the mess surrounding him and began to cry, his whole body shaking.

Clem stood there, staring at Spike in shock. In all the years he'd known him, he'd never seen him this broken. "Love's a funny thing."

"Is that what this is?" Spike stood, wiping at his face. "I'll tell you what I need to do. Move. Get out of this house and away from her. Don't even know why I stayed here after Dru left. As if I liked living in Sunnyhell."

Clem frowned. "You're not going too far are you?"

Spike ruffled Clem's hair. "Don't worry. I won't desert you. Got some mates in L.A. Maybe I'll look them up." Spike sighed. "I just need to get out of here. Not one bloody good thing has happened to me since I came to Sunnydale. It's like I've just been rotting away here. I need to get out, be back among the living, y'know?"

"You do what you have to, Spike."

"I wonder if it'll even be worth it," Spike said, leaning against a wall. "I'll probably just find some other bloody woman to ruin my life all over again. All I've ever been is love's bitch."

"Hey, come on now, Mr. Negative. You never know what's just around the corner. Things change."

"Yeah, they do." Spike gave Clem a small smile. "Would it be too much for me to ask for a little help here? Something tells me a realtor won't exactly jump at the chance to sell a place that looks like this."

Clem smiled back, just happy to see Spike wasn't going to be as bad as he'd feared when he first got there. "Sure thing, buddy. I'll be happy to give you a hand."

*** *** ***

Dawn stood in front of Buffy's fireplace, looking at the pictures on the mantle. "You took down his pictures."

Buffy looked up from her seat on the couch. "Yeah."

"I think I would've done that sooner. Like, boom! 'Don't want to see that face again.'"

"It wasn't like that. I was never angry with him." Buffy smirked. "Okay, that's a lie. But it's not like I don't want to see his face."

"It's just kind of a shock for me, I guess," Dawn said, coming over to join Buffy on the couch. "I mean, when I left, you guys were fine, and then when I came back, it was just over."

"Things weren't really fine," Buffy said. "We were pretending they were, but they weren't. The end didn't come suddenly. I didn't realize it then as much, but looking back, it was kinda gradual."

"Oh. Does that make it any better?"

"No."

"Because you should've noticed earlier?"

"Stop being insightful. It's creepy." Buffy looked down at her hands. "It hurts in all kinds of horrible ways. In the way where I'm furious at him…in the way where I blame myself…and in all the little ways I imagine how I could've fixed things."

"Buffy?" Dawn said after a moment. "Was there someone else…for either of you?"

"For both of us. Well, lots of someones for him."

Dawn raised an eyebrow. "Oh. Who, um, was it for you?"

"Do you remember the guy who drove us to the airport when my car broke down?"

"Spike? Hell yeah. He was totally…" Dawn stopped. "You were getting your freak on with him? Color me impressed, Buff."

Buffy cut her sister a look, but there was a small smile on her face. "Yeah, Spike and I were together for a bit, but that didn't work out either."

"Was it serious?"

"No, it… Yes, it was. I was happier with him than, well, I've ever been before with any man."

"Then what happened?" Dawn asked. "I noticed a for sale sign next door…"

Buffy tried to shrug it off, but Dawn saw the pain in her sister's eyes. "It just didn't work out."

"Buffy, it's me—Dawn. You don't have to pretend with me."

"I…I messed everything up with him," Buffy said. "He loved me. Really loved me. I could see it every time he looked at me, even if I didn't want to. And he wouldn't have betrayed me either, not like Riley, or Angel, or…or even Dad. But I kept pushing him away, until he wasn't there to push anymore. He…he didn't even say anything. I just woke up one morning and saw the sign on the lawn. " Buffy's voiced cracked, and she couldn't hold back her tears anymore. "He's why I'm really hurting, Dawnie. He loved me, and I…I loved him, too. I don't know what it was, but he found his way into my heart. I feel almost guilty, now, because I feel like I should be missing Riley, but I don't. It hurts that my marriage is over, but when I reach out in the middle of the night, it's not for Riley. It's for Spike."

Dawn frowned, hating to see her sister so miserable. "It'll get better—won't it?"

"I hope so. Yes. It has to. I'll just keep going like I have been, and every day it'll get a little bit better."

"Really? Every day?"

"Not really. But it'll be better soon."

"Can you find him?" Dawn asked. "Maybe tell him you're sorry, and that you love him. And he loves you, too, so shouldn't it just be okay?"

"I wish it were that simple. But I have no idea where he is. We didn't have any mutual friends, so it's not like there's anyone I can ask. I've lost him. I have to just accept that. Move on. Besides, even if I could find him, how could I even be sure that he'd forgive me?"

"I guess you're right. But you still wish you could find him again, don't you?"

"More than anything."

"Then maybe you will—someday."

"Yeah," Buffy replied, her heart heavy. "Someday."

*** *** ***

Spike had never cared for book signings, but he didn't let it show. These people, as annoying as they could sometimes be, bought his book, and therefore allowed for him to have a comfortable life. And that's exactly what his life was. Comfortable. It wasn't exactly happy, but he didn't feel like he could really complain.

Spike smiled, patiently signing the book of every person who was there, even when he felt like his hand would fall off if he wrote his name one more time. Finally, the line was gone, and he could leave. He gathered his things, spoke to his agent briefly, and then walked towards the exit.

"I told you Charlotte was the killer. And Ellie and Jack are going to be quite happy together."

Spike froze. That voice… His ears had to be playing tricks on him. He turned slowly, then blinked at what he saw, afraid he'd fallen asleep during the signing, and he was dreaming. "Buffy?" he asked softly.

"Hi."

"What…what are you doing here?"

"Do you believe in fate?" Buffy asked, echoing the same question he'd asked her months before.

"Fate?"

"Yes—fate, destiny, whatever you want to call it.. See, a funny thing happened yesterday at breakfast. My divorce had just been finalized, and I was sitting there with my coffee and my bagel, and I was wondering, what am I going to do now that I'm no longer a married woman? So I open the paper, and there's an advertisement for this book signing right here, in this very bookstore, today. And I figured I have my answer."

"Your answer?"

"You. You're the answer to everything in my life. You're who I want to fall asleep next to every night and wake up next to every morning. You're who I want to laugh with, cry with, grow old with. I love you, William. I love you more than I ever thought possible, and I can't be without you any longer. I want you, I need you—I love you."

Spike stared at her for a moment, trying to process what he'd just heard. "So you just come here and think you can win me back with sweet talk? I'm not just going to let you whack me back and forth like a rubber ball. I've got my pride, you know."

Buffy tried not to let her pain at his words show through. "I understand," she said, turning to walk away.

Spike quickly jumped in front of her, stopping her from walking off. "Clearly, you don't, because the whole 'having my pride' thing was just a smokescreen."

Buffy sighed in relief. "Oh, thank god."

Spike moved closer, almost touching her, but not. "I don't know what I would've done if you'd walked away."

"I don't know what I would've done if you'd let me."

"So this is for real, then?" Spike asked. "This isn't you using me again—this is really you wanting me."

"Yes. This is real. We're real. I need you in my life."

"I need you in my life, too. I love you."

"I love you, too."

Spike smiled down at her, and Buffy felt as if she could fly. "So, how are we going to work this out?" Spike asked. "I mean, I assume you're still in good old Sunny D, and I'm in L.A. these days, so…"

"Spike?"

"Hmm?"

"A mere difference in towns is not about to keep me away from you. Can't we sort through logistics later? Right now you have more important things to worry about."

"I do? Like what?"

"Like how badly I'm going to hurt you if you don't kiss me."

"Still the bossy little bint, I see."

Buffy put her hands on her hips. "You know, I asked a British friend of mine what that meant, and it is not a very nice thing to call me."

Spike smirked. "Better make you forget I said it then."

Spike pulled Buffy into his arms and kissed her.

*** *** ***

That's all she wrote, folks! Let me know what you thought of my first completed Buffy fic!

I also want to thank everyone who left a review. You guys were great!





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