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Riley left at four o'clock that morning to drive to L.A. Buffy had told Spike that she would be over later in the day, but after her husband left, she couldn't fall back asleep. At four thirty, she got out of bed, slipped on her robe, and crept next door.

Buffy pounded on the door loudly until Spike finally answered, wearing nothing but a pair of jeans, his eyes bleary. His appearance reminded Buffy of when she'd come over not too long ago to ask him for help with her car. "Hey."

"Buffy?" Spike asked sleepily.

"Yeah. Riley's gone already."

Spike glanced over at the clock. "Isn't it kind of early?"

"I couldn't fall back asleep knowing that I could be in your arms, but I wasn't."

Spike smiled. "Come on then. Your half of the bed has been feeling rather cold."

Buffy smiled back, a thrill going through her at the thought of it not being just Spike's bed, but hers as well. Quickly, she forced that notion out of her head, feeling guilty for considering any bed but the one she shared with Riley "hers." Still, she took Spike's hand and let him lead her into the bedroom.

Spike got back into the bed with Buffy quickly joining him, his arms immediately wrapping around her to hold her close.

Now with Spike, Buffy had no problem going back to sleep.

*** *** ***

Buffy lay on Spike's couch, channel surfing, while Spike worked on his novel in his study. She knew that he had to work, but still, Buffy was bored. She wanted him touching her every minute, his body never too far away from hers.

"Anything good on the telly?"

Buffy looked up to see Spike leaning in the doorway of the living room, his arms crossed in front of him, his head tilted slightly, with a look on his face that made Buffy glad she wasn't trying to stand.

"No. And I thought you were working."

"I needed a break."

"Hungry?"

Spike chuckled. "Something like that. C'mere, kitten."

Buffy got up, walking to him slowly, seductively. She stopped a little bit in front of him, reaching out to drape her arms over his shoulders. "Do you want something?"

Spike's eyes darkened. "Yeah, I do," he said, putting one arm around her waist and pulling her until she was flush against him.

"And what would that be?" Buffy asked, struggling to keep her voice from trembling.

Spike leaned down, pressing his lips against her ear. "I want to fuck you," he said hotly, rubbing against her.

Buffy whimpered, and Spike picked her up, carrying her to the bedroom. He went with her down onto the bed, Buffy moaning as he covered her body with his. She wrapped her arms tightly around him, wanting to be as close to him as possible. She needed his body, needed him to make her feel the way only he could.

"Buffy…I love you."

Spike's words hit Buffy like a splash of cold water. She pushed him off her, scrambling to get off the bed.

"Pet?"

"What…what did you just say?"

Spike almost lied to her, told her that he'd said something else, or said that it had simply been a heat of the moment thing, and he hadn't meant it. But he couldn't. Despite the fact he knew from the look on Buffy's face that things were about to get ugly, he wasn't going to lie to her about what he felt. "I said I love you."

"No. No, you don't. You…you can't."

"I do."

Buffy turned away, not being able to take the way he was looking at her. "No…"

Spike got up, taking her chin in his hand and turning her face back to look at him. "No, look at me. I love you. You're all I bloody think about, dream about. You're in my gut, my throat. I'm drowning in you, Summers. I'm drowning in you."

Buffy pulled away from him. "No! You can't love me! You can't! I…I'm married, Spike."

"This, with you, is wrong. I know it. I'm not a complete idiot. You think I like having you in here? Do you think I like loving you when I know I can't have you? When I say 'I love you,' it's not because I want you or I can't have you. It has nothing to do with me. It's you. I love you."

"You weren't supposed to love me," Buffy said, starting to cry. "This wasn't supposed to be about love. It was supposed to be about feeling."

"And I do feel something. Buffy, I…"

"No! Stop it!" Buffy starting hitting his chest, sobbing. "Don't love me! You're not supposed to!"

Spike grabbed Buffy's fists, and she struggled for a second before slumping against him. "I'm sorry," he said, stroking her hair. Buffy started to relax against him, but then she stiffened again and pulled away.

"I can't. I…I have to go."

"No, please," Spike begged. "I won't say it anymore. I'll just make you feel. I can do that, Buffy. I can do anything you want me to. Just don't leave me, pet. Not like this. Please…" Spike started to cry, but he didn't care. He couldn't take her walking out on him.

"I just…I just need to be alone right now. I'm sorry." Buffy ran out of the room.

Spike sat back on the bed as he heard his front door slam. He didn't go after her. He simply let himself feel his world fall apart again.

*** *** ***

If Willow hadn't been her best friend, Buffy wouldn't have been there. But she was, and it was Willow's birthday. Buffy had tried to be festive, but it was hard to do after what had happened with Spike the day before. Instead, she sat alone at the dining room table, listening to the sounds of happiness coming from the other room. She'd barely slept that night, her body restless without Spike's nearby. But Buffy kept reminding herself that he loved her, and she couldn't love him back.

"Buffy, are you okay?"

Buffy looked up sharply, pulled away from her thoughts. "Of course, Tara. I'm fine. Why?"

"Well, the party's in there, and you're in here. I thought something might be wrong."

Buffy gave Tara a small smile. "I guess I'm just not in much of a party mood. I'm sorry."

Tara sat down across from Buffy. "Is it that guy from the restaurant—William?"

Buffy paled. "I, um, what do you mean?"

Tara looked down. "Maybe I'm wrong, but I just thought that you two seemed like, um, a couple."

Buffy didn't want to deny it. She was tired of the lies, the secrets. "Did you say anything to Willow?"

"No. I didn't know for sure. Besides, it's not really any of my business. But Buffy, if you need anyone to talk to…"

"I don't know what's wrong with me, Tara," Buffy said suddenly. "It seems like the only time I feel anything is when… Don't tell anyone, please."

"I won't. I wouldn't do that."

Buffy talked softly, not wanting anyone else to hear her. She wanted to talk to Tara, wanted to finally let out the secret she'd been carrying with her. "I don't know how it got to this. Riley's gone so much, and I found this woman's phone number in his pocket, and I thought he was cheating. I slept with Spike then, but when I found out Riley really wasn't cheating, I didn't stop."

"Spike?"

"That's William's nickname."

"Oh."

Buffy sighed. "I thought it could be just a little something, to make me not so lonely. I wanted someone to touch me the way Riley wasn't, to make me feel something, like I used to before my mom died. But now…" Buffy let out a small, choked sob. "He told me yesterday that he loves me. I want to stop it now, but I can't. Why can't I stop? Why do I keep going to him?"

"Do you love him?"

Buffy's lip trembled, and she started crying, unable to answer Tara's question.

"It's okay if you do," Tara said. "Riley isn't around very much, and these things happen sometimes. People meet someone else." When Buffy didn't say anything, Tara added, "And it's okay if you don't. Things have been rough for you, and you're…"

"What? Using him? What's okay about that?"

"It's not that simple."

"It is! It's wrong! I'm wrong. Riley's my husband, and I've betrayed him. Spike, he, he was innocent in all this. I pulled him in, I let him fall in love with me, and now I've hurt him, too. I never wanted to hurt him, Tara. He was hurting so much already, and now I've gone and made it worse by being so selfish. Tell me I'm wrong, please…"

"It's going to be okay," Tara said. "You're strong, Buffy. You can work through all this, and it can be okay."

"Please don't forgive me…" Buffy put her head down on the table. "Don't forgive me…"

Tara got up, wrapping her arms around Buffy. Buffy slumped against her, crying as Tara stroked her hair, comforting her.

*** *** ***

Buffy took a deep breath and knocked on Spike's door. It was late in the evening, but Buffy was afraid if she didn't do this now, she wouldn't be able to. She didn't want to, knowing it was going to hurt both of them but she had to. She knew it would be better in the long run.

Spike opened the door, looking at her in surprise for a moment, before his expression setting back to one of indifference. "So she's back."

"We need to talk."

"I figured. Come in."

Buffy and Spike stood in the living room, staring at each other. After a moment, Spike broke the silence. "I know what this is. This is you telling me…"

"It's over."

"Yeah."

Buffy closed her eyes for a second, trying to build up her courage. She opened her eyes again, forcing herself to look at Spike. "I do want you. Being with you makes things simpler. For a little while…"

"I don't call five hours straight a little while."

Buffy kept going. "I'm using you. I can't love you. I'm just…being weak and selfish."

Spike moved a little closer to her. He knew there wasn't anything he could do to change her mind, could see the determination set on her face, but he didn't want to accept that she was really ending it. She could use him. He didn't care, as long as he had her. "Really not complaining here."

"It's killing me." Buffy stopped, searching his face. The pain in his eyes cut through her, and she couldn't tell if it was for her, or for him, or for the both of them. She wanted to take him into her arms and hold him, to comfort him the way he had her. But she couldn't. "I have to be strong about this. I'm sorry…William."

Spike felt his heart shatter with that one word. She hadn't called him William since the early days of their friendship, and hearing it again just served to drive home the point that she was really leaving. Buffy didn't wait for his response, only turning around and leaving his house, shutting the door behind her.

*** *** ***


"Hey, Clem, it's Spike."

Clem frowned as he heard the tone in his friend's voice on the other end of the line. "Hey, buddy, what's up?"

"Buffy…she…she broke it off."

Clem paused a bit. "Spike, I know you don't want to hear I told you so, but…"

Spike sighed. "I know, I just. I love her."

Clem didn't know what to say. "I know."

"I deserve it."

"What?"

"The ache I feel now, I deserve it. She was another man's wife. I…I had no right. I deserve every bit of this pain."

"Spike, buddy, you don't…are you crying?"

"No!"

"Oh," Clem said, unconvinced. "It just sounded a bit like you were."

"Well, I'm not." Spike was silent for a second. "Look, I'm gonna go. Sorry I bothered you."

"It's no bother. Hey, you want me to come over?"

"No, I think I'm just going to go out for a bit. Try to take my mind off things."

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

"Spike?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't do anything stupid."

Spike chuckled. "I won't. Talk to you later, Clem. Bye."

"Bye." Clem shook his head as he put down the phone.

*** *** ***

Buffy walked around her house, numb. She picked up pictures, looking at the bits of her life captured on film. A high school dance with Willow and Xander. Dawn's first day of college. Her wedding day. All these things had been her life once, the little pieces that fit together to make her whole. But somewhere along the line they'd stopped being enough. Even with everything she'd had, one piece had been missing. The final bit, that made her alive, made her whole body sing. She'd found it once before, when she was young, and now again with Spike.

Buffy looked at her wedding picture, her mouth setting in a line of grim determination. If she needed that in her life, then she was just going to have to get it from Riley.

Buffy went into the kitchen, taking Riley's hotel number off the fridge. She needed to call him, to hear his voice and have him remind her why this was the life she was choosing. She dialed the number, not caring that it was already after midnight.

"Hello?" Buffy froze. The voice on the other end of the line was female. "Hello? Who is this?"

"Is Riley there?" Buffy asked, hoping that she had the wrong number.

"Riley, yeah, he's…wait." The woman stopped, and Buffy could hear her talking to someone else, though she couldn't make out what they were saying. "No, I don't know a Riley. You must have the wrong number."

"Let me talk to Riley," Buffy snapped.

"I don't know who you're talking about. Look, it's almost one o'clock in the morning. Watch your fingers when you're calling someone this late." There was a click, and then a dial tone.

Buffy set down the phone, her hands trembling. It could've been a wrong number like the woman had claimed, but the sickening feeling in her stomach told her otherwise. Still, if Riley was cheating, and had been this whole time, then she remembered how easily he'd lied to her when she'd found Sandy's number. Buffy had to see things for herself, had to have tangible proof that he couldn't lie his way out of—and that she couldn't convince herself wasn't real.

She picked up the phone again, this time calling a number from the speed dial. "Yeah?" a tired voice on the phone muttered after several rings.

"Graham, it's Buffy. Where's Riley?"

"Buffy? Riley, he's, um, on business in L.A."

"Where's he's staying?"

"Buffy, it's one am. Go back to bed."

"Don't you dare tell me what to do, Graham," Buffy snapped. "Tell me where my husband is right now or I swear I will hurt you." Buffy wrote down the information as Graham quickly spit out Riley's location. "Thanks. And one more thing. Don't you fucking dare tell him I'm on my way. You got that?"

Buffy heard Graham swallow hard on the other line. She'd never liked the man, despite the fact that he was her husband's best friend, and if Riley had been cheating on her, then she was sure Graham had known the whole time. "Yeah, I got it."

Buffy hung up the phone, grabbed her purse, and left the house.

*** *** ***

Buffy walked into the hotel that Graham had told her Riley was staying in. It was late, and she was pretty sure she'd been awake for over twenty-four hours, but she didn't care. By this point, she was running on pure adrenaline.

The lobby was empty save for the one man sitting at the front desk. She approached him, resting her arms on the counter. "My name is Buffy Finn. I'm…"

"Staying in 412," the man finished for her. "Did you loose your key?"

"Um, yeah," Buffy said. "Kind of embarrassing. I was out clubbing, and you know how things can happen."

The man gave her a smile. "Yeah, I do. But be careful, especially with your husband not with you. L.A. can be a dangerous place."

Buffy just nodded. "So, can I have an extra key?"

"Sure, just let me see some ID. I've seen your husband, but I haven't seen you yet. It's for your own safety."

"I understand," Buffy replied, taking out her license.

The man checked the name on her ID, then punched something on his keyboard. "Yep. Mr. and Mrs. Riley Finn, checked into room 412 as of Thursday." He smiled at her, handing her a keycard from the wall behind him as well as her license. "Here you go, ma'am. Now I will have to charge you a lost key fee…"

"That's fine," Buffy replied. "Thank you for your help."

"No problem. Have a good night, er, morning."

Buffy smiled. "You, too." Buffy's smile immediately faded as she turned and walked away, heading for the elevator. She walked down the hall to room 412, opening the door as softly as she could. The lights were off, but she could hear Riley's voice.

"Harder."

Buffy's anger was the only thing that kept her from falling apart. The guilt, the pain she'd put both her and Spike through on Riley's behalf had been for nothing. While she'd been fighting what she felt inside, pushing away a man who loved her more than Riley had ever even dreamed of, her "loyal" husband had been sleeping with god knows what behind her back. She reached out and flipped on the light.

The couple of the bed stopped suddenly. Riley sat up, pushing the girl off him and covering them both quickly with a sheet. "Buffy!"

"Hi, honey, miss me?" Buffy asked with a saccharine smile. "Who's this? Sandy?"

"Aphrodisia," the girl replied, glaring daggers at Buffy.

"Aphrodisia. So there's more than one. Wonderful."

"Riley, who is this?" Aphrodisia asked. "I didn't agree to a threesome."

Riley had the decency to look embarrassed. "No, um, Buffy's my wife."

"Oh. Well, in that case can I just take my money and go?"

Buffy's eyes bulged. "Money? Riley, is she a hooker?"

"You know, I prefer the term…"

Buffy whipped her head around to face Aphrodisia. "I don't give a damn what you prefer. I'd prefer you weren't fucking my husband. Now get out."

"I'm not leaving without my money."

Riley grabbed his wallet from the nightstand, quickly handing Aphrodisia several bills. "There. Now get dressed and go. I need to talk to my wife."

"Whatever," Aphrodisia replied, taking the money. She got dressed and walked out of the room, giving Buffy a snide grin as she shut the door.

Riley got out of the bed, the sheet wrapped around his waist. He touched her arm. "Buffy…"

"Get your hand off me."

Riley's arm dropped to his side. "I can explain. Just let me talk."

"Nothing you say right now is going to make this better."

"I realize that. I don't expect… I just need you to hear me out."

Buffy crossed her arms over her chest. "Fine."

"I didn't mean for it to get like this. It's just, something was missing between us, Buffy. You know it was. There's never been a real burning passion in our love life. I'm not saying it was bad, it's just, well, it wasn't everything it could be. You always held back with me. You never gave me everything you have."

"So this is my fault?" Buffy asked bitterly.

"It isn't your fault. It's mine. I feel like hell for what I've put you through. But these girls…"

"Whores, Riley."

Riley sighed. "They made me feel something, Buffy."

Buffy started a little at that. She didn't like it, but she could understand. After all, she'd gone to Spike for the same thing. But the way Riley had done it… "I can't. I can't hear this."

"You need to hear this."

"Fine. Fine! Tell me about your whores. Tell me what on earth they were giving you that I can't."

"Passion, Buffy. They'd lose themselves in the moment, doing things I'd never dreamed of."

"For money, Riley. All they wanted was your money."

"For our whole marriage, Buffy, I kept waiting for you to really give yourself to me. I know you had loved a man like that before. I remember how you'd talk about him, about Liam Angelus…"

Buffy took a step back. "Don't you dare bring Angel into this."

"Why not? He shadowed every second of our marriage!"

"He did not! Dammit, Riley, I'll admit I loved Angel once, but that was a long time ago."

"No. I could see the look in your eyes every time you talked about him. And the way you looked at him when he came back into town… You never looked at me that way. Not once."

"I've given you everything that I have. I've given you my heart, my body and soul!"

"You say that, but I don't feel it. I just don't feel it."

"Well, whose fault is that? Because I'm telling you this is it, this is me. This is the package. And if it's so deficient that you need to get your kicks elsewhere, then we really have a problem."

"Buffy…our marriage means a lot to me. It does. I love you."

Buffy looked into his eyes. He said he loved her, but there was nothing reflected there. Not the way there had been when Spike had said the same words. "I don't love you. Not anymore."

"Buffy, please. We can work this out, make things better. We can…go to therapy."

"No. I don't want to work it out." Buffy looked away, finally admitting what she'd known a long time. "This marriage has been dead for a while now, Riley. It's time we just bury it."

"Buffy…"

"No." Buffy took his hand, dropping something into the palm and giving it a squeeze. She walked away, and Riley looked down to see what it was.

Her rings.

*** *** ***

Buffy wanted nothing more in the world than to drive back home to Spike and tell him how wrong she was. She knew now with blinding clarity that she loved him. With him, she could have everything she'd wanted—a home, love, passion.

Riley had been right about one thing, there was something missing from their marriage. She knew it wasn't his fault, and it wasn't hers, it was just something that wasn't there. But with Spike, it was there. And it was the most wonderful thing Buffy had ever known.

But her body wouldn't let her go anymore. Physically and mentally, she was exhausted, and she knew she'd never make it back to Sunnydale in this state. She found another hotel to stay the night in, one that wasn't tainted with Riley.

Buffy smiled to herself as she lay in the bed. Tomorrow she'd go back to Spike, and they could start over, build a real life together.

*** *** ***

There's still more to come! Leave reviews and let me know what you thought!

I know I've had bits of episodes in other chapters, but I had a lot in this one, so I want to give credit where credit is due. This chapter includes dialogue snippets from "Into the Woods," "Crush," "Dead Things," "As You Were," and "Touched." The credit for those lines used goes to the people who wrote them. Not me.

Please remember to review!





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