Surprisingly, Buffy found that she didn’t really care.
Truthfully, when she thought about it, Buffy didn’t much feel like talking to Willow either. Willow’s whole attitude recently had been pissing her off. Even beyond the resurrection, Willow’s recent out-of-control behavior had gotten Dawn hurt – and yet Willow seemed to believe that she was the victim to be pitied.
The more she thought about it, the angrier Buffy became. Willow was so quick to point fingers at other people or find excuses for the problems in her life that had nothing to do with her own behavior. Tara left because Willow’s default response to dealing with conflict was to try to bend the world to her will, and really, that hadn’t been a new development. Willow had been heading on this path for years, and when she actually sat down and thought about it, the clearer it became to her that it wasn’t an issue of the magic so much as an issue of Willow’s desire to control everything and everyone around her.
Buffy had just made a similar mistake with magic, and she certainly hadn’t wanted to just keep right on doing the same thing. She didn’t buy Willow’s excuse that magic was addictive, not anymore. Not like she was trying to claim.
If anything, screwing up so royally with it made Buffy want to stay away – not use more and more.
Buffy had always held Willow’s opinion in high regard – it had been a big part of what had persuaded her to accept Riley’s advances – and now she was wondering why. She’d always thought of Willow as being smart, and while Willow may have a brain that could retain facts, Buffy was starting to seriously doubt how much common sense the woman actually had.
So what did it even matter if Willow didn’t approve of her relationship choices? She’d given Riley her stamp of approval, and he’d cheated on her with vampire whores.
Furthermore, Willow had dated Oz, which pretty much took away any of her room to get on Buffy about being with Spike. Sure, Oz was only a killer three days out of the month, but when he was in his wolf form, he was a lot more dangerous than Spike in some ways. And he’d killed Veruca. And for all they knew, other people, too. So if that was okay for Willow, then where did she get off judging Buffy’s relationship choices? Hell, she’d dated a psycho demon robot, too.
And on that note, where did Xander get off on judging any of her choices? He could turn his nose up at her for dating Angel and Spike, but he was going to get engaged to someone who had probably killed more people than both of them combined? Where was the fair in that? If he could date a demon, then so could she, dammit.
Suddenly, Buffy was angry. How dare they stage their little interventions and tell her how to live her life? What did they know? They didn’t even care if she was really happy as long as she didn’t act upset around them. They wanted her to conform to the image they had set for her, and heaven forbid she rock the boat.
Well, she was tired of it. She thought about something Tara had said the night before about how if people couldn’t accept you how you were, then they really weren’t your friends at all.
And really, she couldn’t even remember the last time she’d actually enjoyed herself with Willow and Xander anyway. They’d stopped having fun together a long time ago, though she’d been afraid to admit that. The happy little group they’d been in high school didn’t really exist anymore. It was a painful thing for her to realize, but she knew it was time she faced the truth. She couldn’t keep living in the past, pretending none of them had changed.
It was time for her to grow up. If they wanted to come along for the ride, they could, but otherwise, well, maybe it was time for her to let go.
She’d already lived out one life doing what was expected of her. This time around, it was time to start living the way she wanted.
Right now, she wanted to see Spike.
And Buffy was no longer going to deny herself what she wanted.
Spike knew it was her the moment she came into the crypt. He’d know the sound of those tiny booted feet anywhere.
He lay still in the bed, knowing if his heart could beat, it would be thudding in his chest. He’d gotten the distinct impression from Tara the night before that she knew something about Buffy’s feelings that he didn’t, but he also knew with Buffy anything was possible. She could be coming here to launch herself into his arms or kick him in the head. It was a toss up.
Buffy came down the stairs but stopped short before she reached the bed. Spike turned to look at her, not moving from his reclining position, waiting for her to make the first move. She fidgeted for a moment, her eyes trained on the floor, before she finally spoke so softly he didn’t think he would’ve heard it had his vision not been so acute.
“I’m sorry.”
With those simple words, it was like a dam burst inside of him, and Spike couldn’t stay angry at her any longer. He didn’t know who he’d been kidding trying to pretend he could actually hold a grudge against her. And looking at her now… She looked so bloody miserable that he stopped caring about his woes at all, wanting nothing more than to comfort her. He thought for a moment about what he should say before he gave up on words at all and held her arms out to her.
In an instant, Buffy was in them, burying herself against his chest and wrapping her own arms tightly around him. “I’m so sorry, Spike. Really, I am.”
“Shh, I know, sweetheart. It’s all right,” Spike cooed as he stroked her hair. “It’s all right.”
“No, it really isn’t. And…and not just the thing with the spell. You’ve been the only person who’s really been there for me since I got back, and I’ve just been taking that for granted.”
“It’s okay, kitten. That’s the past,” he assured her, realizing as he spoke how much he wanted it to be the truth. “We can start fresh from here, yeah?”
“I want to. I…I want to be with you, Spike. For real. I want to try.”
Spike would’ve thought he was still asleep and dreaming if the moment hadn’t been so crisp, so tangible. He could feel her skin against his and his nostrils filled with her scent. She was there; she was his.
Though clearly, things were not all good between them. Buffy was still…afraid.
“What’s wrong, luv?” he asked, his lips against her hair. He could breathe the scent of it in all day…
“What if this doesn’t work, Spike?”
“What if a giant meteor falls from the sky and kills us all tomorrow?”
She looked up at him sharply and Spike chuckled. “There’s no guarantees in life, luv. You of all people should know that by now. But there’s also no shot at happiness if you don’t take a chance on something that’s a little scary now and then.”
“I don’t want to get hurt.”
“Neither do I, sweetheart, but…” Spike stopped and pushed her hair away from her face so he could better look into her eyes. “Answer something for me, all right? And I want the honest truth.”
“Okay.”
“If I walked out right now and never looked back, let you have your life without the threat of me ever mucking it up, would that hurt?”
Buffy thought about the question, let what he was asking really sink in. It hit her like a sharp twist inside of her, the very thought of it bringing tears to her eyes. “Yes. Oh god, Spike, it would hurt so much…”
“Then this thing between us is a gamble worth taking.” He held her face in his hands, making her keep looking at him. He could hear her breath quickening and her heart thudding in her chest. “I love you, Buffy. I love you more than I even knew it was possible to love anyone until I saw you. You’ve changed everything for me. What I need, what I want, who I am. You make me care about things I never gave a damn about before simply because they matter to you. You make me want to choose pig’s blood over human, save lives instead of take them. You make me want to save the whole sodding world.”
Spike brushed his thumbs against her skin, smearing her tears as he did. “You make me want to be one of the good guys, Buffy. I see the goodness in you, and I want to be a part of that. I know I don’t deserve you. I’ve never done a thing to deserve the love of an angel, but I’m a selfish sort of bloke, and I want it anyway. I want to bask in the light you give off, even if I know it should burn me.”
“An angel?” Buffy asked softly. “I’m not…”
Spike cut her off, a crooked grin on his face. “You fell from Heaven, luv. Only one sort of creature does that.” When she opened her mouth to respond, Spike pressed a finger to her lips. “Listen to me. You didn’t come back wrong. You couldn’t be wrong even if you wanted to be. There’s so much good in you, Buffy, it’s nearly blinding. If you came back as anything other than all human, it’s only because you came back with a piece of Heaven still inside of you.” He wrapped his arms around her again and pressed his lips to her forehead. “You could never be wrong, baby. Never.”
“But you said…”
“Men say lots of thing to get a woman in bed, kitten. Doesn’t make them true.”
Buffy laughed, and Spike felt it shake his own body, warming him in a way that shouldn’t be possible. He kissed her forehead again, then sobered. “I’m sorry I said that, Buffy. It was a mistake. I didn’t…I didn’t realize the effect it was going to have on you. But I knew you were too good for me, and I thought…I thought maybe if you didn’t think you were, that maybe you’d finally start to look at me as something more than dirt under your shoe.”
“I don’t think you’re dirt under my shoe. I think…well, actually, I think you’re a damn decent man, Spike.”
“Yeah, how you figure that?” Spike asked, frowning.
“Because you can manage to love more without a soul than any other man I’ve ever know can with one.”
“Love’s an important thing to hold on to. It’s what gives us our humanity.”
Buffy pulled back again, just enough to look into his eyes but still keep her arms wrapped tightly around him. His eyes were so intense, so full of emotion, and she wondered about the old saying that they were windows to the soul. What was she seeing in his? “Tell me you love me, Spike,” she begged, the plea a breathy whisper that made him tremble. “Say the words to me, please.”
He swallowed, touched his hand to her cheek again. “I love you.”
She smiled softly and laid her hand over his. “I love you, too.”
It was a perfect moment the likes of which Spike had rarely experience in over a century of existing. A moment in which his world fell apart and came together in an instant and he felt so full of pure joy he didn’t think he could contain it all within himself. So he kissed her, hard and deep, pouring into her all the emotion she stirred inside of him. Buffy tangled her hand in his hair and brought him even closer, holding him to her.
Spike finally broke away from her lips when he felt his cock jump against her. “You’re not afraid anymore, luv?”
Buffy shook her head. “No. I’m not. Not with you.”
“I know you’re taking a chance on me, and I know what it would do to you if I made you regret that. I won’t. I promise you, I’ll work hard at being good for you. I promise.”
“Shh, Spike, it’s okay. Just be you, and it’ll be okay.”
“Buffy, just me isn’t…”
She silenced him with a soft kiss. “I only want to love you for who you are.”
Spike could hardly believe what she was saying. It all seemed too good to be true, only it was true because Buffy was there, in his arms, trusting him with her heart and asking him for nothing but his love. He didn’t really understand why she’d changed her attitude towards him, but he didn’t care. She was there, she wanted him.
No, not just wanted. Loved.
“Say it again, kitten. Even if you never say it again, say it one more time.”
“I love you, William. I do.” She kissed him, loving the taste of him and finally admitting she didn’t want to live without knowing it. “And you’ll hear me say it again.”
“Promise?”
She smiled. “Yes.”
Spike fisted his hands in her long, blonde hair and brought her back to his mouth, a low growl vibrating from him as he kissed her. Buffy clutched his shoulders, relief flooding her body as she felt his cock grow to full hardness against her.
“God, I missed him,” she said in a rush of breath as they broke away from air.
Spike snorted. “You missed him? I felt like my best mate had just died.”
Buffy resisted the urge to make a snide comment about men and their relationships with their penises. Instead, she slid her hand down between them and ran her thumb over the belled head of Spike’s cock. “Guess I better get down there and apologize to him, too, huh?”
“It would be the proper thing to do,” Spike replied, a twinkle in his eyes.
“Honey, if you want me to do anything ‘proper’ to your penis, I think we’re seriously on different pages here.”
“Oh, just get down there and blow me, woman,” Spike growled in response, rolling his eyes. Buffy giggled and slid down his body, kicking the sheets out of the way in the process.
Coming face to face with Spike’s erection had inspired different emotions in her in the past: desire, lust, even trepidation. But the relief she felt now – at least in this form – was a completely new one. She’d never been so happy to see an erection in her life. “God, I really did miss you,” she said before pressing her lips to the tip of his cock, apologizing for her misdeed with a tender kiss. Spike groaned beneath her, his hand coming up to tangle in her hair and push her towards taking more into her mouth.
Buffy quickly complied. After all, she figured after making the poor man be impotent for a whole day, the least she could do was give him a decent blowjob.
Spike kept his hand in her hair, guiding her movements, showing her what he liked best. He groaned broken strings of praise and commands, and Buffy complied with an eagerness to please she hadn’t allowed herself to have in their first few times together. This time, she focused on the future and not just the present, wanting to learn how best to pleasure her new lover for all the time she knew they’d eventually spend in each other’s arms.
It gave her a sense of comfort, knowing that someday, she’d know this man’s body as well as her own.
He barked a warning to her in just enough time for her to prepare herself, and when he released into her mouth, she swallowed him down, not even considering pulling away. She wanted him to know she was there with him completely, that she wanted to share everything with him.
She wasn’t going to run from anything anymore…
He was panting for unneeded breath as she crawled back up his body, a self-satisfied grin on her face. Once she was close enough, Spike grabbed her and kissed her, not seeming put off by his own taste on her tongue in the least bit. “You’re amazing, Buffy,” he said when he broke away, his hands coasting over her sides. “Bloody perfect, every bit of you.”
“Yeah?” Buffy leaned in and nipped at his earlobe, smiling when Spike moaned from the small bite. “So does that mean he’s started to forgive me for all the trauma?”
“Just about,” Spike replied, his hands creeping up to slip under her shirt. “Think he might need some time in that hot, tight lil’ pussy of yours first.”
Buffy squirmed as she nipped at him again, this time grazing his neck with her teeth. Spike growled and thrust up, and Buffy knew she had to have him right then.
Thankfully, he was hard all over again – if he’d ever really gone soft in the first place. She sighed an internal sigh of relief. It was so good to have Spike back in working order…
“I’m all yours, Spike,” she whispered. “Anyway you want me, you can have me.”
He growled again, loudly this time, and Buffy suddenly found herself on her back, a very aroused vampire over her, looking at her like he wanted to devour her.
She’d never been so turned on in her life.
And she was okay with that.
Spike moved quickly, removing her jeans and shoes before she even had a chance to realize what he was doing. Her shirt followed next, and he growled appreciatively at her lack of bra before ripping her panties off her body with one sharp tug.
He pushed her legs wide apart and positioned himself at her entrance, though he stopped right before he pushed in. Buffy could tell it was taking an extreme amount of effort on his part to still himself, but he asked her anyway, “Ready for me, luv?”
“I couldn’t have sex with you for a whole day. If I have to wait another second I think I’ll explode,” Buffy replied.
Spike chuckled. “And whose fault was that, Slayer?”
“Mine, all mine. I was a very bad girl. Now please, Spike, fuck me.”
Spike shivered, her declaration that she’d been a “very bad girl” giving him all sorts of naughty ideas, but he decided to explore them later. Right now he just wanted to be inside the woman he loved.
The woman who loved him.
She cried out with such heartfelt relief when he pushed inside of her that Spike almost came right there. Her arms and legs wrapped around him, pulling him closer, keeping him inside her. She wanted him – and she was letting herself want him.
He couldn’t think of anything else more erotic than that.
She wasn’t fighting him this time, not like she had the times before. She was right there with him, pulling him closer instead of trying to push him away. And yet, she was no less intense, no less raw.
He was finally getting all of her…
Spike put his face against the crook of her neck, breathing in the sweet scent of sweat and desire on her skin. “God, Slayer, I love you so much,” he groaned, his eyes closing as he just felt her.
Buffy moaned again. “Yes…love you, Spike. Love you...”
That was too much for him. He hefted her up with a snarl, rocking back on his knees with Buffy straddling his hips, his hands firm against her back to support her as he thrust into her with his full strength. Within moments, Buffy was coming in his arms, her head thrown back, her nails in his shoulders, and a high-pitched, keening wail filling his crypt.
He threw her back down, thrust into her one more time, and erupted with a shout of her name.
As the aftershocks made their way through him, Spike realized how tightly she was holding him, how she didn’t want to let him go.
He closed his eyes, breathed her in, and held onto the hope that she meant it all.
Sorry this chapter took so long. Gnomes were clogging my internets or something. The next chapter will be up soon.
Please review.