She hadn’t been expecting to see Buffy Summers for the second time that day.
“Hi, Tara,” Buffy said as she answered, sounding subdued and possibly even a little nervous.
“Um, hi, Buffy, I haven’t found any other way to break the spell, so if that’s what you’re…”
“I’m not here because of the spell,” Buffy quickly clarified. “I came to talk to you. Do you have a few minutes?”
“Yeah, sure,” Tara said, stepping aside to let Buffy in, racking her brain in an attempt to figure out what she had done to bring the Slayer there so late. Had she done something Buffy didn’t approve of when she’d last been hanging out with Dawn? She’d tried to be a good role model for the teen…
“It’s not a crisis,” Buffy said, catching the troubled look on Tara’s face. “It’s not even a Scooby issue. It’s a Buffy issue.”
“A Buffy issue?” Tara asked. “What do you mean?”
“I just…well, I guess I need a friend to talk to.”
Tara blinked. Now she was really confused. “You mean like girl talk?”
Buffy nodded.
“No offense, Buffy, but why me? I mean, we’ve never exactly been…”
“Close? I know. But ever since I…came back, everything feels different anyway. I’m not close to anyone except…”
“Except Spike,” Tara supplied when Buffy trailed off into silence.
“Yeah. But…but now I’ve messed that up, and I don’t even know if that’s good or bad. I want to be with him sometimes, but I always know it’s wrong. And if I get serious with him, what will everyone thing? I already can’t talk to most of my friends about it as it is. And…and what does it say about me if the only men I can ever seem to really want are demons? How sick am I?”
Tara looked at Buffy, saw the tears beginning to fall down her face, and her heart broke for her.
After all, she’d been there before…
She sat down on the edge of the bed and patted the space beside her. Buffy sat, her head down and tears shimmering in her eyes, and Tara had to resist the urge to give her a comforting hug, not sure how the other woman would take that under the circumstances.
Instead, she simply cleared her throat and began to speak. “Buffy, when it comes to love and sex, certain things are hardwired into us – are a natural part of us. Maybe some of them are genetic, maybe some come from our environment, I don’t know. But what I do know is that they’re no more sinful or wrong than liking the color blue or chocolate chip cookies. It’s just part of what makes us who we are.
“I grew up in backwoods Alabama with a family that wasn’t exactly progressive in their way of thinking. For as far back as I can remember, I was told homosexuality was a sin, that it brought with it hellfire and damnation. So when I started figuring out that I was attracted to women, I was terrified. I thought what I wanted was wrong and that I was wrong for wanting it. So I tried to fight it, even dated this boy who made me miserable just because I thought I could make those other desires go away. But I couldn’t, no matter how hard I tried to tell myself I wasn’t allowed to feel them. I got depressed, I wasn’t taking care of myself – I was a wreck.”
Tara stopped for a moment, a small smile passing over her lips at an old memory. “And then I met Jennifer. It was my senior year of high school, and she transferred in. She was smart and beautiful, and when I was with her, it was like all the other problems I was having in my life didn’t matter anymore. Being with her was like being in a cocoon where I could be warm and happy and I didn’t have to just hurt all the time. And when I touched her, it was the first time it felt like I was with someone because I really wanted them and not just because they were who I was told to be with.
“Still, at first I spent all this time worrying about what everyone else I knew would think. I knew I was in love, but at the same time, everything was tainted from my own doubt and fear. I let my worries about how everyone else would perceive us taint what we had instead of realizing then that love, in all its forms, is a beautiful thing. Instead of embracing what I’d found, I hid in the shadows. Jen kept telling me I needed to stop being afraid all the time, and that if my friends couldn’t accept me for who I was, then they weren’t really my friends in the first place. But I didn’t listen to her.”
Tara looked down at her hands, her smile long gone now. “I didn’t realize until after I lost her that she was right. She told me she couldn’t take being my dirty little secret anymore, that it made her feel cheap. And then I was left without the person who made me happy and the people who made me feel like I was dirty and wrong were all I had. Eventually, I found the strength to reject what I’d been told in the past and embrace who I really was, but I paid a price for taking as long as I did. Not only did I lose someone I cared about, but I hurt her in the process. And even now that I’ve moved on and learned to love someone else, I still regret how I hurt her and wish that I’d had the strength then not to make her feel like there was something wrong with her because I hadn’t been able to accept that there wasn’t anything wrong with me.”
The two women sat in silence for several moments, letting Tara’s story sink in. Finally, Buffy spoke, asking softly, “So you think I should just be with Spike?”
Tara’s lip curled up in a wry smile. “I think you have to make your own decision about whether you want to be with Spike. I don’t know if you love him or not, or if being in a serious relationship with him is actually what you want. But what I do think is that you shouldn’t base your decision on what your friends will think or how anyone else will view your relationship. The only people who know what’s going on in a relationship are the two people in it. No one else has a say.”
She placed her hand on Buffy’s shoulder. “But I do want you to know that if being with Spike is what you want, then you won’t be friendless. I don’t know what they’ll decide to do, but I’ll be here for you, okay? If you need someone to support you, or even just be there to make you feel less lonely, you know where I am.”
Buffy met Tara’s eyes, the statement taking her by surprise. She wished now that she’d paid more attention to Tara in the past, since there seemed to be more to the other woman than she’d ever given her credit for. “Thank you. I…I don’t know that I’ve ever really given you a reason to be all there for me, but…”
“Buffy, yes, you have,” Tara said, cutting her off. “You and Spike both stood up for me that day when my family came to try to get me to go back with them. And yeah, his way was by punching me in the nose, but he’s Spike and he’s special like that.” When her comment got a giggle from Buffy, Tara smiled and continued. “I can’t even begin to tell me what that meant to me. To have you stand there and defend me like that, to be strong so I could be, too… You’re a good person, Buffy. There’s more love in you than most people will know in a lifetime. And if you want to call me your friend, then it’s an honor.”
Suddenly, Buffy threw her arms around Tara, taking her completely by surprise. “Thank you.”
Tara hugged her back. “There’s nothing wrong with you, Buffy,” she said softly. “Nothing at all. And loving someone certainly won’t ever make you wrong.”
Buffy pulled back, wiping at the tears in her eyes. “I…I need to go think about some things, okay?”
Tara nodded. “I thought you might. Do you want my number in case you need to call me later?”
“If…if you wouldn’t mind.”
“I don’t mind. I’m here to support you, Buffy, in any way you need, okay?”
“Thank you. I know I keep saying that, but…”
“I know. It’s okay.” Tara stood up and went to her desk, scribbling her number down on a piece of paper before she handed it to Buffy. “Call me for anything you need, all right? And don’t worry about me judging you for anything you tell me. I won’t.”
“You promise?”
Her voice was so small and her eyes wide, making Buffy appear nothing like the tough Slayer Tara had come to think she knew over the years. She looked like a frightened little girl, one who was terrified of being something Tara knew she’d never even be capable of becoming. It broke her heart and made her angry at the same time. And made her sick to her stomach to know who had had a hand in making Buffy the way she was…
“I promise.”
Buffy folded up the piece of paper and put it in her pocket. “Good night, Tara. And at the risk of sounding totally like a broken record, thank you again.”
“Any time. Good night.”
Buffy went towards the door, but stopped when Tara spoke again.
“You don’t have to be afraid of Spike. He loves you too much to ever really hurt you.”
Buffy turned. “How do you know that?”
“I’ve seen him with you.”
Buffy felt something tighten in her chest and knew she had to make a decision soon.
Tara groaned as a loud rap on her door pulled her out of a deep sleep. She rolled over at looked at the clock. Three thirty in the morning? Why in the world would anyone be bothering her at three thirty in the morning?
The knock came again, and she got out of bed, pulling on her robe and tying it around her waist as she went to the door. She wondered if it was Buffy again, though she doubted the Slayer would drop by so late.
She cracked open the door, her eyebrow shooting up as she saw Spike in the hallway, rocking nervously back on his heels.
“Hey, Glinda. Can I talk to you?”
He looked so miserable that Tara couldn’t find it in herself to turn him away. Sure, she had a class in four and a half hours, but she’d gone on less sleep before. “Sure. Come on in, Spike,” she said as she opened the door all the way for him.
He stepped into her dorm and immediately began pacing. Tara shut the door then sat down on her bed, wanting to be out of the way of his frantic steps, so not in the mood to get run over by a vampire.
“I can’t sleep,” Spike said, still pacing. “I mean, yeah, sure, vampire, not really my bedtime, but I didn’t sleep all day. I haven’t felt like feeding either and it’s all her bloody fault. And for all I know, everything down there would work just fine not around her since she did that sodding spell to herself, but I’ll probably never even know because she’s the only person who’s been able to get me going in ages. And I wish I could stop thinking about her, stop caring about her because she’s such a bloody little bitch, but it’s like she did some spell to me way before this because every thought I have is tainted with her. I’m a vampire for fuck’s sake, and a vicious one, too, and instead I’ve been reduced to the Slayer’s lapdog because I fell in love with yet another woman who’s never going to see me as anything but her toy. And now I’m stuck being literally what I’ve felt I was figuratively for years now because again, it’s all about her. I swear, she acts like we’re all just the supporting characters in the Buffy show, and maybe I could take that if I were the leading man now and then, but no. I’ve got to play in the shadows why she takes gits like that wanker Finn out and shows them off, but never Spike. No, Spike isn’t good enough to be on the Slayer’s perfect little arm.”
Tara stared from her bed, wide-eyed as Spike moved back and forth in front of her, his arms gesturing wildly. His words came out in a rush, and she wondered if he wasn’t a vampire if he would’ve passed out from not taking a single breath in his entire rant.
“Um…so have you tried talking to Buffy about any of this?”
“Yeah, like that does any good. She just calls me a thing and punches me in the nose. If I didn’t have vampire healing, I’d start looking like that bloke who does all those offbeat comedies.”
Tara frowned. “Owen Wilson?”
“He the one with the smooshed-looking nose?” Tara nodded. “Yeah, him.”
Hearing Spike’s thoughts on things – or at least the ones she could pick out of his jumbled tirade – it seemed as if he and Buffy were on two entirely different pages in this whole mess. He was ready to have an actual relationship while she was still dwelling on the possible consequences. He’d been ready to jump into the deep end of the pool while she was still testing the water with her toe.
Which could quite possibly be their first problem in a very, very long list of problems.
Tara wished she could tell Spike about her conversation with Buffy earlier and her growing suspicion that Buffy’s feelings for Spike mirrored his own more than she thought either one of them was fully away of, but she knew that would be overstepping her bounds – especially given the fact that she was fairly certain the things Buffy had told her had been told in confidence. Still, she felt the need to give the two of them a nudge.
If for no other reason than so she could finally get some sleep.
“Spike, Buffy’s… Well, she’s got some serious issues.”
Spike snorted. “Way to state the obvious there, Tinkerbell.”
Tara couldn’t help but smirk at Spike’s sarcastic response. “Okay, so that’s well established. Look, my point is that she’s not just going to fall into your arms. Even if she does want to be with you, it’s not going to be easy. She needs some gentle prodding.”
“She needs a sodding cattle prod,” Spike muttered.
“Yeah, and if memory serves, you tried that before, and it didn’t work so well.” Until that moment, Tara didn’t know vampires could blush, and she only laughed at the chagrined look on Spike’s face. Even with all the bleach and leather, he could still manage to look like a contrite little boy.
Finally, he stopped his pacing and flopped back into Tara’s chair. “So what do you think I should do, witchy woman?”
“Approach her like you would a spooked animal. Be calm.” Spike arched his eyebrow, and this time, Tara did chuckle. “Okay, as calm as you can possibly manage. Don’t push her for anything. Just let her feel comfortable around you. And let her know you forgive her for the, um…incident.”
Spike crossed his arms over his chest. “I’m not sure I do.”
Tara’s eyebrow arched. “Please, Spike. You and I both know that isn’t the case. And yeah, what she did was wrong, but she knows that as much as either one of us does, and she feels genuinely remorseful. So move on from it. Let her know you still love her and that the two of you can move on from here.”
“Kinda difficult to move on when he still isn’t working.”
“Yeah, and as long as Buffy’s afraid to let herself love you, he’s not going to work, so you can either try to fix things with her or join a monastery,” Tara snapped.
“Wow. Kitty has claws. I’ll have to remember that.”
“Damn right I have claws. Especially when I’m going on like three hours of sleep.”
“Right. Point taken.”
Tara sighed, knowing she needed to give Spike a little more information but also knowing she needed to choose her words carefully. “Spike, Buffy’s whole thing with fighting her feelings for you – it’s not about you. It’s about her and her own personal fears. If you want her, then you have to prove to her that facing those fears will be worth it in the long run.”
“And how am I supposed to do that?”
“Well, first, let her come to you next. And when she does, just talk to her. Don’t cause her to dwell on the whole vampire and slayer thing and don’t yell at her because she um…”
“Broke my penis?” Spike supplied, bitterness in his tone.
“Yeah, that. She knows you’re angry about it, but if you keep reminding her, then she’s going to stay on the defensive.”
“I don’t know if I can do that. She tends to make me want to yell at her.”
“Look, Spike, you’re at a crossroads here, all right? Either you want to be with Buffy or you don’t. And if you do, well, clearly whatever you’ve been doing to get her isn’t working or you wouldn’t be here.”
Spike frowned, his head tilting slightly for a moment before he gave in and said, “Okay, you’ve got a point there.” Then, he sighed, his hands dropping down into his lap. “Buffy’s so different from every other woman I’ve ever been with. I mean, with Dru I could just bring her a nice, ripe girl to kill, and she was happy. Harmony was all set if I gave her something shiny. But Buffy…she never wants things. Hell, I don’t know what she wants.”
“She wants to feel like she’s good enough to have love,” Tara said softly.
Spike looked at her sharply. “What?”
Tara wondered if she’d said too much now, but she seemed to have finally really gotten Spike’s attention. “Buffy’s terrified that there’s something wrong with her and that wanting you is just symptomatic of that. But I don’t think it really has anything to do with you. Whatever damage was done to her, it started a long time ago, and now you’re both paying the price for it. I don’t really know what goes on behind closed doors with the two of you, but for your own sake, I’m advising you to tread lightly for a bit. Because otherwise, she’s going to go on the defensive and she’s going to run. Trust me on this one.”
“Did she tell you she doesn’t think she’s good enough to have love?” Spike asked.
“Not in so many words, but that was the definite impression she got.”
“But she’s…”
“I know, Spike. I know. But you have to make sure she does, too.”
“Bloody hell. Woman like that should know how sodding amazing she is.”
“She doesn’t. Not as far as the woman goes anyway. She knows what she is as the Slayer, but as just a person – not so much.”
Spike looked down, though Tara caught a flash of his eyes and saw shame in them – something else she wouldn’t have thought a vampire was capable of until then. “I told her she came back wrong.”
“She already thought it, Spike.”
“But I…”
“Look, Spike, it’s almost four in the morning. I have a class at eight. Go home, go to bed, get some rest. There’s nothing that can be done about what’s already happened. But maybe something good can come out of this whole thing and it can set the two of you on a path that’s not so destructive. You both know there’s issues between the two of you, and you can either ignore them or deal with them. This is your crossroads; pick the road you want to walk with her and don’t dwell on the places you’ve already been.”
“Right then.” Spike got to his feet. “Thanks for putting up with me tonight.”
Tara smiled at him. “You’re welcome.”
Spike gave her a small salute and left the room.
Tara got back into bed and hoped she could get a couple more hours of sleep.
Sorry it took me a while to get this up. I’ve been having internet problems.
Please review.