Instead, he found himself once again face to face with the Slayer. He gritted his teeth and resisted the very tempting notion of ripping her head from her neck. “What are you doing here?” Spike ground out.
“Patrolling,” Buffy replied with a shrug. “I mean, that is sort of my sacred duty and all.”
“Yeah, well, go perform your sacred duty in some other cemetery. It’s not like there aren’t enough in this bloody town to go around.”
Buffy pouted. “But I like this one.”
Spike refused to be swayed. The fact that her pout didn’t cause the stirring in his pants that it normally did was reminder enough of his anger and the reason behind it.
Though she did look bloody adorable in her knit cap, stake twirling in her hand…
Spike shook his head. He was furious with her – and rightly so. “I don’t care if you like this one, Slayer,” he snapped. “No one in it likes you.”
Buffy rolled her eyes, his acerbic remark not even putting a dent in her feelings. “Whatever, Spike,” she said with a snort.
Spike held his hands out in front of him, clenching his fists as if he was sorely tempted to throttle her, before he threw his arms up. “Fine. You want to patrol here, you go right ahead. I’ll go find another cemetery to kill things in.”
He turned and walked away, though he came to an abrupt stop when he realized Buffy was trailing behind him. He spun quickly towards her, his coat swirling around his legs. “What are you doing?”
“Following you,” Buffy replied simply.
“Well, stop it! I don’t need a bloody stalker.”
Buffy giggled. “That’s funny coming from you.”
“So, what, you’re going to start stalking me now?”
“Worth a shot,” Buffy said with a shrug of her shoulders. “It worked for you, after all.”
“It worked for…” Spike trained off, his expression growing colder. “You’ve already done enough damage to me today, Buffy. I don’t need you messing with my head, too.”
“I’m not messing with your head.”
“So you like me now? Is that really it, Slayer?” Spike yelled. “You’re going to be my girlfriend now? And how about if the spell breaks and you don’t have to worry about easing your guilt anymore? Then what? We move into a cozy little crypt for two? Or, heaven forbid, you actually let yourself be seen in public with me?” When Buffy said nothing, Spike had his answer. “That’s what I thought.”
When he started to walk away again, Buffy ran after him and grabbed the arm of his coat. “Spike, wait.”
Spike turned and looked her in the eye. “I’ve had enough of this shite, Buffy. Either I’m in your life of I’m out.”
“It’s not that simple.”
He jerked his sleeve away from her. “Then I’m out.”
Buffy tried to go after him a third time, but Spike struck out and knocked her down.
She looked up from the ground, having no choice but to watch him go.
Buffy knew this was all her fault. She wished she could somehow place the blame for the whole ordeal on Spike’s shoulders, but she knew there was no one she could fault for this monumental lapse in judgment but herself.
However, that didn’t stop her from indulging in a little self pity.
She came into her house through the backdoor and went directly for the freezer, relieved to find a pint of ice cream sitting front and center. She didn’t know who’d been the one to actually purchase it, but honestly, she didn’t care. It wasn’t like anyone bothered to pay any rent around there…
Buffy sat down at the kitchen island with her current drug of choice and a spoon, determined to drown her sorrows with a little Chunky Monkey therapy.
“Was patrol rough tonight?”
Buffy looked up sharply, Willow’s sudden presence in the kitchen taking her by surprise. “You could say that. Sorry if I’m eating your ice cream. It was an emergency.”
Willow winced in sympathy. “That bad, huh?”
“Oh yeah. This day has been full of major suckage.” Buffy sighed. “Spike may actually never talk to me again.”
Willow sat down at the island, across from Buffy. “Well shouldn’t that have been a little pick-me-up in your otherwise sucky day?”
Buffy frowned, her hand stilling with the spoon still stuck in the ice cream. “That was what made it so bad, Willow.”
“Huh?” Willow wrinkled her nose. “Why?”
“Because he’s…” Buffy stopped short, not knowing what she could say. How could she define her relationship with Spike, especially to Willow? She didn’t really have a word for it, and she doubted Willow would be as accepting as Tara had been of anything she could manage to come up with. “Because he helps me patrol,” she said finally, though the answer made her feel a pang of guilt. She tried to squash it down.
“You don’t need him for that, Buffy. I mean, Xander and I helped you patrol for years before Spike came along.”
“Yeah, but you quit doing that years ago, and I don’t exactly see either of you clamoring to head out with me every night,” Buffy snapped, not realizing there was even a nerve to hit until Willow hit it. “And really, Willow, how much help are you two even going to be these days, huh? Maybe Xander can distract the demon by getting knocked unconscious and then you can take it out with some erratic, impaired driving.”
Willow pulled back, her expression on of shocked hurt. “Buffy! How can you say that? Xander and I are you best friends!”
“Are you? I can barely even talk to you because you’re always too involved in your own shit to know what’s going on beyond two feet in front of you! You brought me back because you just had to have me around, and then you completely ignored the damage you did to me. Then, you sit here and tell me you could actually take Spike’s place on my patrols, but the last time I asked you for help when that demon Xander so intelligently summoned tried to make my sister his own personal Persephone but without the vacation plan, you all just stood there looking at me like stunned deer while Giles decided that the best time for me to learn to stand on my own – cause hey, not like I’ve never done that before – was when the person who means more to me than anything in this world was in danger.”
Buffy stopped for a second, needing to take a deep breath before she continued. “The only person who supported me fully that night was Spike. And when we fought against Glory, he was right there by my side, ready and willing to do what I needed to have done to get the job done. But you and Xander? It’s never about doing what needs to be done to save the world with the two of you. You don’t even get the big picture half the time. You just treat it all like a game. Spike may be evil, but at least he understands the true magnitude of the battle we’re waging here.”
She stopped, letting out another deep, shuddering breath. The rant that had just spilled from her had taken her completely by surprise, but now that it was out, she felt relieved, like her overburdened shoulders were finally carrying one less weight.
For a long moment, all Willow could do was gape, until finally, she blurted out, “That isn’t fair, Buffy!”
“No, Willow, you know what isn’t fair? It’s not fair that I’ve had to go out every night and risk my life since I was fifteen. And it’s not fair that once I finally got to rest from all that, I had it ripped away from me. That isn’t fair, Willow.”
“You know, things haven’t been so great for me either, Buffy,” Willow snapped defensively.
“Yeah, well, you brought it all on yourself,” Buffy replied bitterly. “You used magic to manipulate everyone and everything in your life, and now you’re paying the price.”
“Hello, pot, you’re black,” Buffy thought, but she knew the accusation was true enough for both of them.
“Buffy, what’s wrong with you? You’re…you’re not acting like yourself.”
“How the hell would you know? And you want to know what’s wrong with me? My so-called ‘best friend’ is a judgmental, selfish bitch. That’s what’s wrong with me.”
The snapped response came before Buffy could even think about it, and as soon as she did, she wished she hadn’t said it – though she couldn’t bring herself to try to take it back either. It was harsher than she’d wanted to be, but it was still how she felt. She kept thinking about how Tara had been when Buffy had admitted what had happened with Spike. Tara had been surprised, sure, and maybe a little squicked, but she hadn’t judged.
And she certainly hadn’t started informing her of what was wrong with her in a grating, whiny tone…
Buffy thought she could probably get used to things like that.
“I’m not that, Buffy,” Willow said, looking every bit like the wrong party. “I can’t believe you’d even say something so hurtful.”
“Oh yeah? You’re not? Really? Then how about you stop freeloading and pitch in with the household expenses now and then, huh?” Buffy stood up, unwilling to let the conversation go any further. Instead, she left the house, her whole body shaking with anger as she stepped out onto the porch.
Willow didn’t follow her out, and for that, Buffy was glad; she’d said all she wanted to say. She knew a lot of the anger she was feeling right now was really towards herself, but a fair amount belonged rightly directed at Willow as well. Buffy still railed against the injustice that had been committed in bringing her back, and Willow’s recent decision to “fix it” through a forgetting spell had only upset her further.
The parallels of what Willow had done to her and what she had done to Spike were starting to form in Buffy’s mind, making her feel horrible. It had been a mistake, things hadn’t gone according to plan, but that didn’t excuse anything. She’d acted without taking the consequences or Spike’s feelings into consideration.
Without taking into consideration that he even had feelings.
That had been the case for years, and while it had been one thing when they’d been enemies, it was different now that they were…
Buffy still didn’t know how to complete that sentence.
But what she did know was that Spike was the only person she could talk to since she’d come back, and the conversation she’d just had in the kitchen made her realize why that was. She’d thought at first it was because she wanted to shield her friends from the truth of what they’d done, but now she realized it had really been so much more than that.
They wouldn’t have listened to what she had to say. They wouldn’t have given her support. They hadn’t…
Only Spike had. And now she’d blown it.
And while she knew that, as the Slayer, she shouldn’t be having any sort of relationship with a vampire that didn’t involve dust in the wind, she couldn’t seem to make that work with Spike. Since her resurrection – and before her death, too, if she was really being honest with herself – she’d come to depend on him. She needed someone who would listen to her without pitying her or trying to force her into adjusting her mood.
She needed someone who could make her smile despite it all…
She wanted to go to Spike and have him make her feel all better. She wanted him to hold her and comfort her and tell her everything was going to be okay. But she couldn’t. He’d made it pretty clear he wanted nothing to do with her for the time being – and quite possibly for good.
That thought almost had her in a panic. She’d been saying for years she wanted Spike out of her life, but facing it as an actual possibility? He’d never shown any indication of really wanting to leave her side, even when he’d been at his angriest. She’d come to depend on the idea of him being the man who didn’t leave. How would she deal if that changed?
And why did it matter so much to her at all?
Buffy felt like a confused mess, and she knew she had to talk to someone. She couldn’t make sense of anything on her own.
Not knowing where else to go to find anyone who would be willing to listen, Buffy started off towards UC Sunnydale.
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