I still couldn’t believe he was gone. Dead. Nothing more than dust blowing in the wind. Stupid, stupid vampire. Why didn’t he believe me when I told him that I loved him? Couldn’t he see in my eyes that I was telling the truth? That I finally came to realize that I loved him. It was what he had wanted to hear since last year. Maybe I loved him even then, but denied it. Denied it because he was evil, had no soul. Only a chip in his head to stop him from killing, haunting. But I was wrong. He had a soul. But unlike Angel, he wasn’t forced to have one, he got one himself. For me. To become a better man, to be the kind of man that I deserved. But even before that he had a soul. He grew a soul from his actions and kindness towards Dawn. And towards me. He loved me till the end. He always loved me. Even when I went to him at night, ‘screwed’ him, and then left, claiming that he was nothing to me. Even then he loved me. When I beat him to a bloody pulp in the alley behind the police station, leaving him to face the sunrise, not caring if he lived or died. Even then he loved me. All those time I used him for my pleasures sake. Even then he loved me.
I remember the spell that Willow did. The ‘my will be done’ spell. When we thought we were getting married. I was never disgusted with him afterwards, only with myself. Not because I had liked to sit in his lap, planning the wedding, having his strong arms around me. But because I used Riley afterwards to get that feeling back. The feeling of being loved, cherished and the thought of living happily ever after, since the life of a slayer is never long, I wanted to have that as soon as possible. But Riley didn’t get that. He became jealous over the power that Spike had over me. The power that Angel had over me. He could never really accept that I was a slayer and I had given myself to a vampire. Riley could only see black and white. Vampires were evil and should be eliminated, not screwed with. And still he went to those vampire whores, letting them suck his blood for money. Then he left, blaming it all one me. And when he came back, finding me and Spike together, I could see that he was disgusted with me. And I was disgusted with myself. Because I once again let his judgment rule over me. But still, right after Riley left, I was back with Spike. Seeking for him to give me what no one else could. To help me get my release.
Spike and I always had great sex. It was expected from him, the badass vampire. But I surprised myself. I’ve never been so…free in having sex as I was with Spike. With Angel it mostly hurt, and Riley couldn’t give me what I needed. It was like Spike said once; ‘She needs a little monster in her man’. And I did. I loved the monster in him. I loved the poet and the annoying vampire with an attitude problem who tried to kill me when I first met him. And I loved the man in him. The man he proved himself to be in battle, and the man protecting Dawn after I had died. I should have known then that he’d changed. There is no other way of explaining why he stuck around and protected Dawn when I was dead. Why would he else have done it? Neither one of my friends thought about it. Willow didn’t really care, and Xander always hated Spike, as much as he hated Angel. Giles couldn’t be bothered when it came to Spike. He didn’t believe that Spike could be a good man and he showed it. Boy, was I angry with him and Robin when they tried to kill Spike. That was a low blow. I understood Robin then, I really did. If a vampire had killed my mum I’d be looking for revenge too... But why want to kill a man that didn’t exist anymore? That vampire was gone, at least from appearance. But he always lay there, underneath the surface.
I remember when I first met him. The sexy, cocky, confident vampire that claimed he was gonna kill next Saturday. I was fascinated by him. He was the first vampire I’d met who was so…bad ass. I mean, the master was mostly scary and Darla wasn’t such a bad ass. And Drusilla, she was so crazy. Always going on about her dollies and the moon and the stars. And Spike loved her. I don’t know why, but he did. He loved his ‘dark princess’. But, boy was she crazy. And then Harmony. She was even more unbearable as a vampire. It’s a good thing Spike dumped her. Not that my boyfriend choices always was that good. I loved Angel, I really did, but he took decisions without my consent and did what was best for him. He didn’t leave so that I could have a normal life; he left so that he could go on with his redemption. Then there was Parker. That’s the biggest mistake I’ve ever done in my entire life. He used me to get into my pants. Maybe that’s why I wanted Riley so much, because he was safe, he let me set the pace. Then there was Spike. The sexual tension was always there, filling the air, making it nearly sufferable to be in the same room as him.
And now he was gone. The man I loved. The vampire I loved. He was so much more than just a vampire. He was so much more than just a man. He was my equal, my partner, my soul. My one true love and my best friend. He was my Champion. He died so that I could live. So that all of us could live. He always defended me, reminding my friend what I’d done for them. I still remember that night when they had all kicked me out. How Spike came to me, not to cheer me up, or comfort me, but to give me my strength back. He always believed in me. Everything he said that night was true. He’d seen my kindness and my strength. He’d seen the best and the worst in me, and he still believed in me. Still counted on me to make a difference. To save the world. To make everything okay again. And I owed him that. I owed him everything for the way I’d treated him. When he came back after he’d gotten his soul, when he came to my house I was relieved. Because he was no longer crazy. I needed him in whatever war I was gonna fight, so I was glad that he’d gotten shaped up. That he was still there for me, like he always was. Supporting me without saying a word, just one glance from him could tell me that he supported me in whatever I did. All because he believed in me. And I believed in him. I believed he could be a good man, make a difference, save the world.
He was my everything.
Author's Chapter Notes:
This is one of the first fics I wrote, so please leave reviews