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alright guys, so sorry this fic hasn't been updated since July. a lot has been going on with me. car accident, bout of depression, moving across the country, started vet school. then somehow my SR account got deleted and I just now got it back activated again. that's why for a while, my fic was up here with no author. lol.

so, if any of you ever poke over to my LJ, you'll see I've been working on other wips. and you may have thought to yourself, hey, why the hell isn't she working on the one *I'm* reading? well...ha. I have a hell of a lot less time to write now that I've started vet school, so I'm trying to wrap things one by one, and given how crappy I've been feeling, I have been trying to work on some of my more upbeat wips. this fic takes a lot out of my emotionally, and I really haven't had anything to give.

I'm planning to start writing this one again over Christmas. that's really the soonest I can anticipate picking it back up. I'm aware that I left it in a really crappy place to just stop writing, and that's not very nice for readers, so I apologize for that. what I'm going to do is try to *complete* the fic before I ever start posting to it again so that I can be sure not to leave you all in the lurch a second time.

so anyway, that's what's up with me and this fic. I appreciate your patience. I know where this story is going and it is not my intention to abandon it. it's just on hiatus because sometimes, real life throws us curveballs and writers have to eat too *g*

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in the meantime, I come in peace, bearing a spuffy drabble.

Title: Never Exactly
Author: Mel (btvslover82)
Pairing: Spike/Buffy
Rating: R, I think. Sex but not really graphic.
Too short for a summary :) Word count 250-ish.



“Oh…Spike…yes….”

Buffy threw her head back, face flushed and taut with pleasure as he pounded into her warm, animated body. He couldn’t get over how alive she looked. Spike felt his grief from the long summer without her well up in his throat, even as he fucked her. Missed her so damn much….

He clutched her close to him. “Say it,” he begged. Demanded it roughly, when she said nothing. “Say it.”

“I love you, Spike.”

He choked back a sob as he ground into her body and came, collapsing onto her, curling his body around Buffy’s petite one. Her fingers stroked softly through his hair, scraping lightly over his scalp. He burrowed his nose into her neck like a child, feeling needy and not caring, for the moment. She was right here with him, and she was his….

“I love it when you use my body for your pleasure. You’re a bad, bad boy and far hotter than that loser, Angel.”

Roaring with the rage of his broken illusion, Spike reared back and punched her in the temple, and a shower of sparks exploded, sizzling his skin. She powered off for the night, and Spike moved to the edge of the bed, bracing his elbows on his knees and trying to hold his tears back with one trembling hand.

When Willow asked in the morning how the Buffybot had been damaged, he’d tell her that it was attacked by some mean beastie.

Wouldn’t be a lie, really.


A/N: title taken from spike's line about the buffybot in Bargaining part 1

I seem to be physically incapable of writing spuffy any way other than angsty as hell.

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SR won't let me post this without a certain number of words, so I'm putting up the words to Goo goo dolls' Black Balloon (where the title was taken from) as filler. you can ignore the rest of this.

Baby's black balloon makes her fly
I almost fell into that hole in your life
And you're not thinking about tomorrow
'Cause you were the same as me
But on your knees

A thousand other boys could never reach you
How could I have been the one
I saw the world spin beneath you
And scatter like ice from the spoon
That was your womb

Comin' down the world turned overAnd angels fall without you there
And I go on as you get colder
Or are you someone's prayer

You know the lies they always told you
And the love you never knew
What's the things they never showed you
That swallowed the light from the sun
Inside your room

Comin' down the world turned over
And angels fall without you there
And I'll go on to bring you home
All because I'm
All because I'm
And I'll become
What you became to me


shit, that's still not enough. lol. this is going to become like the goo goo dolls album or something.

Stranger than your sympathy
And this is my apology
I killed myself from the inside out
And all my fears have pushed you out

And I wished for things that I don’t need
(all I wanted)
And what I chased won’t set me free
(all I wanted)
And I get scared but I’m not crawlin’ on my knees

Oh, yeah
Everything’s all wrong, yeah
Everything’s all wrong, yeah
Where the hell did I think I was?

And stranger than your sympathy
Take these things, so I don’t feel
I’m killing myself from the inside out
And now my head’s been filled with doubt

We’re taught to lead the life you choose
(all I wanted)
You know your love’s run out on you
(all I wanted)
And you can’t see when all your dreams aren’t coming true

Oh, yeah
It’s easy to forget, yeah
When you choke on the regrets, yeah
Who the hell did I think I was?

And stranger than your sympathy
And all these thoughts you stole from me
And I’m not sure where I belong
And no where’s home and no more wrong

And I was in love with things I tried to make you believe I was
And I wouldn’t be the one to kneel before the dreams I wanted
And all the dark and all the lies were all the empty things disguised as me

Mmm, yeah
Stranger than your sympathy
Stranger than your sympathy
Mmm hmmm mmm




And even though the moment passed me by
I still can't turn away
Cause all the dreams you never thought you'd lose
Got tossed along the way
And letters that you never meant to send
Get lost or thrown away

And now we're grown up orphans
That never knew their names
We don't belong to no one
That's a shame
But if you could hide beside me
Maybe for a while
And I won't tell no one your name

And I won't tell em your name

Scars are souvenirs you never lose
The past is never far
Did you lose yourself somewhere out there
Did you get to be a star
And don't it make you sad to know that life
Is more than who we are

You grew up way too fast
And now there's nothing to believe
And reruns all become our history
A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio
And I won't tell no one your name
And I won't tell em your name

I think about you all the time
But I don't need the same
It's lonely where you are come back down
And I won't tell em your name





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