Disclaimer: I don’t own ‘em, I just use ‘em. Buffy, Spike et al. are the property of a very, very lucky ME.

Author’s Note: My muse for this story has been my own pregnancy. Although Buffy’s experiences are an amalgam of all my friends’ pregnancies, I still base most of how she feels on my own sentiments. There are a number of unbelievably good Spuffy baby stories out there (*cough* Kallysten *cough*), and I thought I’d add my own take on things to the mix. And thanks to Melissa for her amazing beta duties!

1. Alone

“What?”

She was incredulous yet her voice retained a calm, tentative quality such as one would use with a frightened animal. Every fibre of her being screamed out that this wasn’t happening, that this was only a bad dream. How had Ebeneezer Scrooge worded it? ‘A bit of undigested beef’--something like that, anyway.

Great. Her world was falling apart before her and all she could think of was a Christmas movie. She was certifiable, if anything.

“This is a joke, right? This is the part where you smile, cuff me on the shoulder and say ‘gotcha’ and we both laugh it off. Right?”

Her counterpart, a tall, muscular brunette, shifted from foot to foot. This wasn’t easy for him, but he had to stick to his guns. He tried a placating voice--that sometimes worked with women, no? “Look, Buffy, it’s nothing personal. You’ve got to believe me when I tell you that I still love you. I really do, it’s just that.. well...” Words eluded him. How could he say this without sounding like an asshole?

Hands clenched into fists , the young woman barely restrained the anger that flowed through her. “Still love me huh, Riley? Well you’ve got a really quirky way of showing it.”

Oh, this wasn’t working. Of course, dealing with... what they were dealing with, there was no way for them to both come out of this unscathed. Hands up in the air in a pose of surrender, the young man pleaded. “Ok, I understand this might be hard on you,” he paused, wincing at the guttural sound that came from the back of his girlfriend’s (ex-girlfriend’s?) throat. “But think of what it’s like for me. I’m not ready for this, I’m too young--you’re too young--to actually go through with this.” He barked out a laugh. “I mean think about it! Your school, your social life, your slaying...” He leaned back against the side of his jeep, arms crossed in front of his chest.

Buffy screamed and threw her hands up in frustration. “Think about it?! What the hell do you think I’ve been doing for the past two weeks? Writing poetry?” She covered her abdomen with the palm of her left hand, and lowered her voice. “This baby, this life that’s now growing inside of me--that’s all I think about. Do you think I haven’t spent hours thinking of what this means? School, I can handle--I can always go back. Friends, well--they love me enough to stand by me.” She smiled inwardly at the pain that crossed Riley’s face at her admonishment. “And the Slayer part? Think of it, Riley. What are the chances of any Slayer living long enough to have a child? I didn’t even think it was physically possible.”

She paused, trying to reign in her emotions. Sniffling, she continued. “This baby, to me, is a miracle. It’s another rude gesture, on my behalf, in the face of fate. It’s me, thumbing my nose at the powers that be. And you expect me to... to get rid of it? To kill it?!”

The young man sighed and led his head drop. They were obviously at an impasse--him not ready, not willing to undertake the life-altering responsibility that is raising a child, and her wanting nothing else. “Buffy, you know as well as I do that I can’t make you do anything. Just like you can’t make me do anything. You want to keep the baby, go ahead. Take full responsibility for raising it, caring for it--that’s your prerogative. As for me, well, I’ve accepted the army’s offer to go down to South America. This is a great opportunity for my career, and I just can’t turn it down.”

This wasn’t happening. His was leaving her, and their child, for his career? “Well, good for your career, Riley. You go play GI Joe in the jungle and I’ll stay here and play grown-up with the family that you’re leaving behind.”

“Now that’s just not fair, Buffy...”

“Not fair?! What’s not fair is you getting your girlfriend--the woman you profess to love--pregnant, then ditching her for your career. Tell me how fair that is, will you?” By now, she couldn’t help the tears that streamed down her cheeks. She felt as if a part of her were being twisted and tortured. Pulling her gaze away from his, she rooted through her pockets for a tissue, glad she always had a few on her.

Both stood there, bodies tense, emotions flaring. Neither wanting to back down from their position, not wanting to admit that the other could be right in their stance. A long while passed before Riley spoke up.

“Well, I’d better be going. The plane leaves tomorrow for Belize. I’ve got packing to do...” He kept his eyes on Buffy, not knowing how to leave. Did he just hop in the jeep and drive away, or did he give her a hug? Maybe he should just shake her hand--no, that would be very, very not right... The brunette was torn--he really did love Buffy, but he wasn’t ready to fill the role of father and husband.

“Fine.” Buffy was glad he’d broken the silence. Had it been lift up to her, they’d still be silently staring at each other two Sundays from then. “I hope your career takes you to where you want to go.” I hope you get eaten by an alligator, if there are any in Belize... “Just promise me one thing ok, Riley?”

Relieved, the young man let out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. Maybe she was going to take this better than he’d expected. “For you, Buffy, anything.”

Plastering a fake grin on her face, she leaned in slightly. “Promise me that you’ll never set foot in Sunnydale again. Because, God forbid, if you do I’m going to rip your guts out through your asshole and strangle you with them.”

Riley’s face paled and his mouth fell open at her threat. Maybe she wasn’t taking it so well after all... Resigned to their splitting on a bad note, he opened the jeep’s door and got in. Turning the ignition, he drove away with one thought on his mind. There simply wasn’t a reply fitting enough to what she’d said to him.

As she watched the jeep drive away, driven by the normal guy she was supposed to have and get married to--picket fence and all, after Angel had left her, Buffy crumpled to the ground. She felt like her heart had shattered, like her life was ending. She was only 19, yet she’d been through the grief of losing the love of her life--twice. She knew she was too young to have this baby, she was totally unprepared for it and its needs, but she also knew that this baby was special. Sure, all mothers-to-be think their babies are special--and they are--but to Buffy, this baby meant that she was more than just a Slayer. She was also a woman. And no amount of heartbreak could change that feeling.