Buffy sat on the floor of her living room, nothing but a blanket draped over her as she panted. Spike was beside her, a smirk on his face as he lit a cigarette with the lighter he’d fished from her pocket. She was angry – at him, but mostly at herself. She was supposed to be stronger than this, strong enough to resist temptation. She was, after all, the Slayer.

But then again, she’d never been very good at that…

“Why don’t you go smoke outside,” she snapped.

Spike arched his eyebrow. “You know you don’t want that, sweetheart.” He grabbed her with his free hand and pulled her into his lap, his erection hard against her. His voice dropped, sending shivers through her. “You want this…”

Buffy shook. God, she did… Feeling the way he wanted her ratcheted up her own desire until she had to have him. She knew she shouldn’t give into temptation, that being with Spike was too many kinds of wrong for her to even count, but in that moment when she let herself go, when she stopped caring, none of it mattered.

She sank down on his cock, and she wasn’t the Slayer anymore. Nothing outside of this existed, nothing beyond the pleasure/pain of being stretched to her limits with him.

He stubbed his cigarette out on her floor, and she didn’t care. All that mattered was that both of his hands were free to touch her, to grab her hips and push her down further, bruising her inside and out.

One of his hands traveled up from her hip to her back, pushing her forward so he could whisper in her ear. “You know you want this, luv. No reason to keep fighting it. Just let yourself feel good…”

Buffy shook her head, but grabbed his hand and dragged it down to her clit, pushing his fingers against her. Spike growled as he pressed down hard and rubbed, and Buffy stopped thinking at all, stopped doing anything but feeling.

But it couldn’t last forever. Too soon she was slumped against his chest, trembling with the aftershocks. It wasn’t long until the guilt and self-loathing came rising back up like bile, voices in her mind sounding suspiciously like her friends and her Watcher as they reminded her of her duty, of what had happened the last time she had turned her back on who she was for the love of a vampire.

She pushed his chest and scrambled backwards, off his lap. She stumbled as she got to her feet, snatching up the first thing she could find to cover her. “Get out, Spike.”

“You know, luv, your pillow talk leaves much to be desired.”

“There’s never going to be any pillow talk between us, Spike,” Buffy snapped. “There’s never going to be anything between us. Ever.”

“You know, sweetheart, that might be a little more convincing if my cock wasn’t drenched in your juices.”

“You’re a pig.”

“That one’s getting old, luv. Might be time to start singing a new tune.” Buffy only glared and clutched her impromptu covering around her chest, and Spike sighed and got to his feet, searching for his clothes.

“You’re wasting your time fighting this, Slayer,” he said as he dressed. “You want me, and now that you’ve given in once, well…” Spike favored her with a cocky grin and buttoned his jeans. “You’ll never be able to resist the temptation now that you know what you’d be missing.”

“Just get out,” Buffy replied, her eyes darting away from his face.

“I’ll need this first,” Spike said as he reached out and snatched his blanket from around Buffy. She gasped, standing there exposed in front of him, but Spike merely threw her a wink before he left the room, the sound of the back door slamming making Buffy shake a few moments later.

Angry tears in the corner of her eyes, Buffy searched for her own clothes and pulled them on. As much as she hated to ever admit such a thing, she was afraid Spike was right. Her resolve had crumbled in moments, the temptation too strong for her to walk away from.

How did she really expect to fight it next time?

She sank back down to the floor, resisting the urge to scream. Buffy knew she couldn’t allow this to continue, but how could she stop it?

Her eyes shifted to a box on the floor, a thought entering her mind that she immediately knew she shouldn’t even begin to entertain. After everything that had happened as of late, she knew that it was the bad idea to end all bad ideas. She would be completely insane to attempt something like this…

And yet, she was scooting over towards the box, her hands trembling as she opened it and began sifting through what they’d helped Willow pack just that morning.

She pulled a book out of the box and, as if by fate, opened it directly to just what she’d need. Was that a sign? Sure, things hadn’t been going so well with magic recently, but they’d had luck with it in the past. She’d had luck with it in the past. She’d done that spell to see if her mother was under any magical influences when Joyce had been sick, and there’d been the spell they’d used to defeat Adam. Sure, there’d been that tiny issue with the First Slayer trying to kill them all in their dreams, but this wouldn’t be a spell of that magnitude.

It would just be something small, something to help her. She’d just do it to herself, not to anyone else. And really, what was the worst thing that could happen – the spell would kill her? It wasn’t like she hadn’t been there and done that…

She was too weak to resist Spike on her own. She’d tried that, and yet she kept jumping him. He was the one thing that made her feel at all since she’d come back from Heaven, and she couldn’t find the strength to walk away, even when she knew she had to. A Slayer and a vampire would never work. She knew that as well as anyone.

Besides, he was evil, and that was wrong.

Of course, what she was thinking of doing was wrong, too. But was it the lesser of two evils?

Buffy gazed down at the pages of the book, a simple spell outlined in plain English. She’d never taken the time to really look at any of these books before, despite the number of them that tended to be out around her, and it surprised her how simple the spell looked. She could do that, couldn’t she? And something that simple couldn’t possibly have too dire of consequences.

Nothing as dire as what could happen if she continued to let Spike in, at least.

No. No. She knew better than this. If her friendship with Willow had taught her nothing else, it was that magic was not a quick fix, not the easy alternative. She slammed the book shut and put it back in the box. She wouldn’t do this. She’d simply have to build up the strength to turn Spike down on her own.

Buffy stood up and raised her chin in determination. She could so turn down Spike. After all, he was Spike. Evil, cocky Spike. Spike of the crypt-living, and the blood drinking, and the rock hard abs…

Oooh…and his tongue. A dreamy smile crossed Buffy’s lips at the thought of that particular part of his body. And even that was no match for his…

Her eyes grew wide as she realized how quickly her thoughts had taken a turn for the not-so-pure. “No, Buffy,” she muttered to herself. “No thinking of Spike’s abs, or his tongue, or anything else. Think about…”

But it was too late. Her brain refused to supply any of the thoughts she wanted. Instead, it had turned into the all-Spike porn channel. Apparently, he hadn’t been so off the mark when he’d said she was going to start to crave him.

She eyed the book again. So actually doing what she was thinking of doing would be bad, but so would continuing a relationship with Spike. Either one was dangerous, neither something she should be doing. But if she did one now to stop the other, wouldn’t that make things better in the long run?

Doing her best to ignore the part of her that was telling her not to do this, Buffy grabbed the box and ran upstairs to her room.

Desperate times, after all…

*** *** ***

Buffy hadn’t been able to stop pacing since she did the spell. She’d expected some sort of puff of smoke or a flash of light, something to tell her there’d been an actual result. Instead, she’d got nothing.

So had it worked? She closed her eyes and conjured up an image of Spike in her mind. He was naked. There were chains.

She sighed. She still wanted him. Crap.

Maybe she had to actually see him for the spell to take effect.

Which meant she should be going to his crypt. She could just pop by, see if she was still tempted, then leave. Simple. And if it didn’t work, well, they’d already had sex twice this morning. That should be enough to keep her from jumping his bones the moment she walked in, right?

She’d just go over there, see if the spell worked, and if not, well, she’d start working on building up some Slayer will power the old fashioned way. She could do that.

She had to do that…

*** *** ***

Spike was gorgeous when he slept. He looked perfect, tangled up in silken sheets, and the moment she stepped down from the ladder and turned to look at him, Buffy felt a wave of desire crash over her, the urge to climb in beside him nearly overwhelming. His chest was bare, exposed above the sheet, and god it looked so damn…lickable.

With a heavy sigh, Buffy realized the spell hadn’t done a bit of good. She still found Spike just as tempting as she always had, complete with added knowledge of how good he actually felt inside.

Buffy needed to just get out of there before Spike woke up. It was a good thing the spell hadn’t worked. It had been a dumb, dangerous idea to begin with, and she was glad she hadn’t been able to pull it off. She needed to just go home, get her head together, and start working on her anti-Spike resolve. Stop thinking about what he could do with his tongue or how his eyes looked when he laughed and start reminding herself of all the things about him that repulsed her.

She turned back towards the ladder, building up that resolve.

It all crumbled the moment Spike’s hand circled around her arm.

“Leaving without even a hello, pet? How very rude of you.”

His voice was deep, beckoning her to lean back into him. “I…you were asleep,” she said lamely.

Spike pulled her away from the ladder and against his body, her back flush against his chest. “You could’ve woken me up, luv. I can think of so many nice ways for you to do that. Maybe with that pretty little mouth of yours wrapped around my cock…”

And there was an image that should disgust her… She shivered and moaned.

“Yeah, you’d like that, too, wouldn’t you, Slayer? You’re wishing you’d thought of it yourself.”

“No I’m not…” Buffy insisted, though her voice trembled as she spoke.

“Yes, you are. But that’s all right, kitten. We can make up for it.”

Buffy gasped as Spike spun her around and pushed her to her knees. The action should’ve earned him at the very least a punch in the nose, but instead she felt a flood of moisture in her panties. Her hand reached out and gripped his cock, her mouth watering at the memory of his taste.

And yet, something felt…off.

She pumped her hand up and down and realized what it was. He was soft. From that constant bulge she’d noticed in his jeans over the years, she hadn’t even thought that was possible.

With a mental shrug, Buffy figured it wasn’t a big deal. It was Spike; he’d be fully hard within seconds. He was the horniest man she’d ever known in her life.

She continued to grip his cock, directing it towards her mouth so she could bathe it with her tongue. She expected it to start jumping in her hand immediately.

It didn’t.

Confused but determined, Buffy wrapped her lips around the tip and sucked.

Nothing.

She looked up at Spike and caught the look of panic in his eyes. “It…it’s never done that before,” he said, an edge of hysteria in his voice. “And with you…on your knees…there’s no reason it should…”

Buffy’s eyes widened as she realized there was actually a reason why this was happening. And what it would be.

She let go of his cock and backed away.

Maybe the spell hadn’t been such a bust after all…

*** *** ***

Reviews?

“So wait, tell me this one more time, because really, it’s not quite sinking in.”

“I did a spell…”

“You did a spell…”

“Yes. To…to stop me from being tempted.”

“To stop you from being tempted…”

“And, um, I guess it sort of, um…”

“Broke my penis!” Spike yelled at her, the muscle in his jaw ticking so hard Buffy wondered if it was possible for it to explode.

“I’m sorry!” Buffy yelled back. “I didn’t mean for it to do anything to you. I…I thought it would just do something to me. Make me not want you anymore.”

“You bloody stupid bint! Did you learn nothing from those morons you call friends and their idiotic forays into magic?”

“I’m sorry!”

“Oh, you’re sorry. Well, then that just makes it all better then.” Spike looked down for a moment, then back up at her, his eyes flashing. “Except for the part where he still doesn’t work!”

“Well, this is really all your fault anyway!” Buffy screamed, taking a step closer to him.

“My…” Spike shook his head. “How the bloody fuck is it my fault that you used magic to make me sodding impotent?”

“Because! Because you kept showing up with…with the temptation, and…and you kept making me want you.”

“Oh, I kept making you…” Spike laughed a humorless laugh. “Need I remind you, Slayer that you jumped me that first night. Oh, and I believe it was you who couldn’t get my jeans off fast enough this afternoon, too. So don’t even try to make this about me.”

“You’ve been trying to seduce me for years!”

“Yeah, and you’ve wanted me for years! I still don’t see how any of this justifies you breaking my penis.”

Buffy opened her mouth to respond, but quickly snapped it shut again. “You’re right.”

“I… Wait, come again on that one?”

“I said you’re right,” Buffy repeated, though she seemed less-than-happy to be saying it. “I shouldn’t have done this. I knew better than to mess around with magic, but I did it anyway, and now you’re…um…yeah.”

“Damn right you shouldn’t have done it!” Spike yelled, his anger flaring right back up. “You of all people should know you don’t go messing with forces you don’t know a bloody thing about!”

“I know! I… I’ll fix it, Spike. I’ll do another spell, reverse…”

“No.”

“No?” Buffy asked, taken aback by his vehement denial. “You don’t want to fix…um…this?”

“Oh, I want to fix this all right, Slayer. But I want someone who actually knows what she’s doing to be the one doing the fixing. With my luck, you’ll just end up making it fall off.”

Buffy’s brow furrowed. “But Willow’s going all cold-turkey on the magic.”

“Yeah, and I’m sure that’ll turn out just great for her, but she’s the second-to-the-last person I’d want trying to fix this anyway. If anyone’s going to be using magic around my dick, it’s going to be someone with actual sense. Besides, she’s got a bloody big mouth, and she’d probably end up telling Harris, and I so don’t want him knowing I’m suddenly a candidate for Viagra. You’re going to take me to see Glinda.”

“Tara?”

“Yeah, her.”

“She moved out.”

Spike’s eyes closed and his jaw clenched, an expression Buffy had come to associate with him being really exasperated. “I know that, Slayer,” he ground out. “But I assume just because she’s getting some distance from your little Scooby group doesn’t mean she’s dropped off the edge of the bloody world.”

“No. She moved back into the dorms on campus.”

“So we’ll go there.”

“Now?”

“Yes, now.”

“But it’s the middle of the day. You could end up all extra crispy.”

Spike met her eyes. “In a situation like this, it’s worth the risk.”

“Wow. You men really are attached to your penises.”

“Need I remind you, I can hurt you now.”

Buffy swallowed. Spike was looking at her in a way he hadn’t in a very, very long time. He wouldn’t actually hurt her, would he? “Get dressed and we’ll head over there through the sewers.”

“You better hope she can fix this,” Spike growled before he stormed across the room over to his clothes.

Buffy wondered where the Hellmouth was to open up and swallow her whole when she wanted it to.

*** *** ***

The last thing Tara expected to see outside of her door when she got back to her dorm was Buffy standing with a very dejected looking Spike, clutching a tatty, charred blanket. She blinked, wondering for a moment if she was seeing things.

Nope, they were there, both looking completely miserable. Tara ran through scenarios in her head, trying to imagine what could be bringing them here. Had something bad happened to Willow?

She rushed over to the blond pair. “What’s wrong? I…is…”

“Willow’s fine,” Buffy said quickly, correctly guessing what would put that look of panic in Tara’s eyes. “We’re here because, um…Spike has a problem.”

Tara’s brow furrowed. “A problem? What kind of problem?”

Spike glanced around and saw the various college students wandering around. “Um…can we maybe talk about it inside? Where it’s private?” he asked, his voice low.

“Yeah, definitely an ‘in private’ sort of conversation,” Buffy concurred.

“Um, okay,” Tara agreed, her curiosity piqued. She fished inside of her bag for her keys, then unlocked the door. Buffy hurried in after her, while Spike stayed out in the hallway.

“Uh, Glinda?”

Tara turned around, confused for a moment before she remembered. “Oh, right. Come in, Spike.”

Spike entered her dorm room then, quickly shutting and locking the door behind him. Tara frowned. “Okay, what is going on here?” she asked.

Buffy and Spike replied at the same time, their words coming out in a rush.

“She did a spell.”

“His penis is broken.”

“Wait…huh?” Tara asked, blinking. She was even more confused now than before they’d attempted to fill her in on the situation.

Buffy and Spike exchanged a look, and then with a sigh, Buffy turned back to Tara. “I did a spell this morning and now his penis won’t work.”

“You did a spell and now…” Tara glanced between the two blonds warily. “What kind of spell did you do?”

“One to remove temptation,” Buffy replied, her voice small.

“And the temptation was…” Tara stopped. “Oh. Oh, my…”

“Look, it was a really stupid thing to do, but I was desperate, and I saw the magic stuff that Willow was packing away, and…”

“She got tempted,” Spike snapped. “Apparently, she has issues with that.”

Buffy blushed. “I thought it was going to make me not tempted. I didn’t think it was going to make him all impotent.”

Spike bristled beside her, but bit his tongue. Buffy assumed that was for Tara’s benefit.

“Buffy, you really shouldn’t mess with forces you don’t…” Tara began.

“Yeah, I know. Believe me, I know that better than anyone,” Buffy interjected, not in the mood for a lecture. “I just wasn’t thinking straight.”

“Great. She breaks my penis because she’s having a blonde moment. Terrific,” Spike muttered.

“Oh, like you can say anything about having blonde moments,” Buffy snipped at him.

“Mine aren’t in question right now, Slayer.”

Buffy opened her mouth to retort, but Tara stepped between them. “Okay, you guys, knock it off,” she said with a forcefulness that surprised both of her unexpected guests. “What’s done is done. If we’re going to fix it, we have to move forward. Buffy, I need you to go home and get me everything you used in that spell. Quickly. Spike, you stay here. It’s sunny out there, and that blanket looks like it’s seen better days.”

“We had a little incident coming out of the sewer,” Buffy explained.

Tara nodded. “We’ll wait for you here. Okay, Spike?”

Spike turned his attention back to Buffy. “Hurry, Slayer. This is causing detrimental damage to my ego.”

Buffy had a witty retort, but thought better of saying it. Instead, she left the dorm room and headed towards her house to get what Tara asked for.

Tara sat down on the edge of her bed and gestured towards a chair. “You can sit if you want.”

Spike nodded and took a seat, shifting around for a moment, as if he couldn’t quite get comfortable.

“So you and Buffy are…” Tara asked after a couple minutes of silence.

Spike knew Buffy hadn’t wanted any of her friends to know what had happened, but he figured under these circumstances, that was just too bad for her. Besides, given the nature of the spell and what it had affected, it was pretty obvious anyway. “Yeah. We were anyway. Don’t really know what’s going to happen from here.”

“How long?”

“Not long. A couple of days.”

Tara figured that must’ve been where Buffy had been the night she’d stayed over there until the morning with Dawn. “Oh.”

“Yeah.” He shook his head. “Woman had all but castrated me figuratively anyway. Might as well just go ahead and make it literal.” He slumped back in the chair, his arms crossed over his chest.

“I…I’ll do my best to fix it,” Tara said. “Though I can’t make any promises. I…I’m not really all that powerful. There’s other witches who could probably…”

“No. I asked Buffy to take me to you for a reason,” Spike replied. “You’re the only witch I trust enough to do anything that affects me down there. You’re not a half-wit.”

“Thanks,” Tara said, oddly touched by his admission.

“Y’welcome.”

“I’ll do the best I can. And I’ll be careful,” Tara promised.

“I know you will, pet.” Spike slumped more in the chair. “This is so bloody unfair. It was working just fine this morning.”

Tara blushed, not really wanting to give that comment too much thought. “Well, I’ll do all I can to have it working this evening, too,” she said.

“Good.”

Tara looked down and examined her nails. Spike continued to sulk in the chair.

An awkward silence filled the room.

*** *** ***

Buffy burst in through the door, out of breath and carrying a box. “Okay, this is everything,” she said as she kicked the door shut behind her. “Here.”

Tara took the box from Buffy and sat back down on the bed with it. “It’s going to take me a little time to go through everything. I don’t want to rush it and get the counterspell wrong.”

“Take all the time you need, Glinda,” Spike replied, still seated, still sulking. “This isn’t something I want rushed at the expense of getting it done right.”

Tara nodded. “Understood.”

As Tara began to go through the box and piece together what it was Buffy had done, Buffy found her attention pulled towards the vampire in question. She couldn’t remember a time when she’d seen him look more miserable, even when he’d first gotten the chip. She walked over to him and ran her fingers through his hair.

“It’ll be all right, Spike. We’ll get this fixed, and then I’ll…I’ll make it up to you.”

Spike pushed her hand away. “I’m not sure I want you to make it up to me, Slayer.”

Tara glanced up quickly at the couple, but then turned her attention back to the task at hand.

“You don’t want…” Buffy’s voice got small, her tone hurt. “Why?”

“Why? Why, she asks.” Spike snorted. “I can’t believe you really have to ask that.”

“I didn’t mean to break it, Spike,” Buffy said softly. “I didn’t mean to do anything to you at all.”

“Yeah, Slayer, you did,” Spike replied. “You’d rather use magic to repel me than deal with whatever this is between us. And that…well, it smarts a bit.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s a little late for that.”

Spike didn’t want her anymore? Did this mean he was going to stop showing up and seducing her? Shouldn’t that make her happy?

Only it didn’t. It really, really didn’t. Instead, she felt…hurt. She wanted to call it simple rejection, but it went deeper than that. Deeper than she wanted it to. Spike wanting her despite all the reasons she’d given him not to had been the one constant in her life as of late, and now…

Buffy refused to let herself think this was irreversible. Tara would fix Spike, and then…

“And then what, Buffy?” she silently asked herself. She’d go back to sleeping with Spike? They’d hold hands and skip merrily into a field of flowers? Nothing had really changed from this morning. She still couldn’t be with Spike for more reasons than she could even list. If he didn’t want her anymore, well, maybe she hadn’t gone about it the way she should have, but it was still probably for the best.

She pretended the warmth pricking her eyes wasn’t tears.

*** *** ***

I’m glad to see people liked the first chapter of this story. I hope you liked the second one, too.

Please review!

“I can’t break this spell.”

Tara’s declaration after over an hour of silence brought her Buffy and Spike’s attention – and twin looks of panic in their eyes. “What?!” they exclaimed in unison.

“I can’t break the spell. That doesn’t mean it can’t be done,” Tara clarified. “Buffy’s going to have to do it.”

Spike’s gaze shifted warily between Tara and Buffy. “But you’ll supervise, right, Glinda?”

“There’s not really anything to supervise.” Tara cleared her throat, looking down slightly, away from the intense stares of the vampire and the slayer. “See, um, when Buffy said she did the spell to herself and not you, Spike, she was technically right. She’d didn’t cast a spell on your…um…on you. She put a spell around herself to protect her from what she’s afraid of.”

Spike cut his eyes over towards Buffy. “You’re afraid of my penis?”

“No!” Buffy replied quickly.

“You took that a little too literally, Spike,” Tara said. “She’s not afraid of your, um, penis. She’s afraid of what it represents.”

“So we’re getting Freudian now, are we? Bloody lovely.”

Tara blushed. “I don’t really know how to even say this, and since I obviously can’t get inside Buffy’s head, this is all speculation, but going on this spell and, um, recent events, what I would say is that Buffy’s probably afraid she can’t resist the temptation of a physical relationship with you. So she, um, protected herself by removing that temptation.”

Spike glared at Buffy. “You better be bloody glad it didn’t remove the temptation completely. You’d be a footnote in history, Slayer,” he growled.

“I’m sorry,” Buffy muttered, though she knew the words didn’t really mean anything to either of them at this point.

“Well, stop being sorry and fix it,” Spike snapped.

“How do I do that?” Buffy asked, turning her attention back to Tara. “Are there like, magic words I’m supposed to say?”

“It’s not quite that easy. In order for the spell to break, it needs to no longer have a purpose.”

Spike looked panicked at that. “No longer have a purpose? What do you mean?”

“Don’t worry, Spike. She doesn’t have to do anything to you,” Tara assured him. “She just has to…stop being afraid.”

“Of my penis. Or what it represents. Or whatever.”

“Yeah.”

Spike turned towards Buffy again. “So?” He gestured towards his crotch. “Fix it.”

Buffy stood there for a moment, staring at Spike, before she declared, “I can’t!”

“What do you bloody mean you can’t?” Spike demanded. “You did this to me, Slayer. You can sodding undo it. Now.”

“I can’t!” Buffy said again. “There’s…” She glanced between Spike and Tara. “There’s too much pressure!”

Spike threw his arms up in the air. “You have got to be bloody kidding me.” He got up and grabbed his charred blanket off the floor. “I’m out of here. Thanks for your help, Glinda.”

“You can’t just leave!” Buffy argued.

“Why the hell not?” Spike yelled. “You’re not making things any better, and I need a sodding drink.”

“Spike, wait!” Buffy said, trying to grab his arm as he stormed past her. He shook her off and left the room, slamming the door behind him.

Buffy sank down in the chair Spike had just vacated. “I so hate myself right now.”

“I’m sorry there’s not an easier fix,” Tara said. “Although I could keep looking for something.”

“I’d appreciate it if you would. And I’m sure Spike would, too.”

“I don’t doubt that. But in the meantime, maybe you could work on trying to, um, not be afraid?”

“I’m not afraid,” Buffy insisted as she crossed her arms defensively over her chest. “This is just…not a road I can go down with Spike.”

Tara didn’t point out that it seemed like it was a road she was already on. “Well, you don’t have to keep…sleeping with him. You know, if that’s really something you don’t think you should be doing. But maybe you could, I don’t know…figure something out where you’re not as worried about being tempted?”

“God, I wish that wasn’t even an issue. I can’t believe I’m even attracted to Spike, never mind apparently helpless against his charms, or whatever.” Buffy dropped her head into her hands. “What’s wrong with me?”

Tara got up from the bed and knelt beside Buffy, her hand on her shoulder. “Buffy, nothing’s wrong with you. You’ve…well, you’ve really been through something. And maybe being with Spike has made you feel a little better.”

Buffy looked at Tara. “Why aren’t you judging me? Why aren’t you telling me I’m wrong?”

“Why would I do that?” Tara asked, her brow furrowing.

“Because I am.”

“No. Buffy, no. I mean, yeah, Spike’s a vampire, but as far as vampires go, he’s not so bad. He…he’s always been nice to me. Relatively speaking at least. And he’s done a lot of good recently. It wouldn’t make you wrong to have feelings for him.”

“No, I am,” Buffy insisted, shaking her head. “I…I came back wrong.”

“What makes you say that?”

“Spike…he…he can hurt me. Ever since I came back, he can hurt me and the chip doesn’t fire. And he says it’s still working otherwise.”

“That doesn’t mean you came back wrong,” Tara said, knowing Buffy needed her support more than anything else right now. If Buffy was scared enough to do something like that spell, then she needed more help than just undoing her mistake. “You probably just came back different. The spell scrambled up how the chip reads you or something. But you’re still the same Buffy.”

“How can you be so sure of that?”

“Do you remember when you switched bodies with Faith?”

“Kinda hard to forget something like that.”

“Well, then you also remember how I knew it wasn’t you. But now, you’re you, Buffy. I’d be able to see it if you weren’t the same, and you are.”

“Then why can’t I keep from wanting Spike?”

Tara shrugged. “’Cause he’s hot?” Buffy looked at Tara, wide-eyed in surprise, and Tara couldn’t help but giggle. “Hey, just because I’m a lesbian doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate something pretty.”

Buffy giggled back in response. “Yeah, I guess he is rather pretty. Though he’d be soo pissed off to hear us say that.”

“Oh yeah. He’d be all growly with the ‘grr, I’m the Big Bad,’” Tara replied, scrunching up her face and doing her hands like claws.

Buffy laughed, feeling a little better. She realized she’d never really spent any one-on-one time with Tara, and was wondering now why she hadn’t. She felt better after talking to her about this, and somehow, she thought that probably wouldn’t be the case, had she been having the same conversation with Willow or Xander.

After a moment, however, she sobered again. “I need to end things with him, though, don’t I?”

“I can’t answer that for you, Buffy,” Tara replied. “No one can speak for what’s in your heart but you.”

“But everyone else will. If I actually got together with Spike, they’d all hate me.”

“Is that what you’re worried about, Buffy? What your friends will think of you if you’re with him?”

“Not only that,” Buffy replied. “He’s…he’s evil. I mean, even with the chip, he’s evil.”

Tara took her hand off Buffy’s shoulder and looked down. “He helped out a lot this summer, Buffy. He…he didn’t know you were coming back and he still helped out. He helped us fight, and he took care of Dawn.”

“Are you saying I should be with him?” Buffy asked.

“I can’t tell you either way,” Tara answered. “But obviously, it’s something you’re not really sure of. If you didn’t have any feelings for him at all, this wouldn’t be an issue.”

“You’re right,” Buffy admitted, her voice barely above a whisper.

“Maybe the best way to deal with this is to try to figure out what you’re really feeling for him and what you truly want. Then you might not have to worry about whether or not you can fight the temptation anymore.”

“What if I don’t like what I find?”

“You’ll never know until you look.”

Buffy swallowed. Tara was right, and with the current situation, she couldn’t just go around ignoring it. That wasn’t fair to Spike, and she knew that was something she needed to be concerned about, even if it would be easier to bury her head in the sand.

She’d broken him; she had to fix him.

“I should go find Spike,” Buffy said as she got to her feet.

“I’ll keep looking for another solution to the problem,” Tara said as she stood as well. “I’ll call you if I find anything.”

“Thanks, Tara. I really appreciate this.”

Tara nodded. “And I won’t say anything to anyone else either. This will stay between you and me.”

“Thank you.” Buffy gave Tara a small smile before leaving the dorm in search of her vampire.

*** *** ***

It wasn’t hard to find Spike. Buffy knew him well enough to head straight for Willy’s, and sure enough, he was there at the bar, bottle in front of him.

“Bloody hell, Slayer, can’t you just leave a man to suffer in peace?” Spike grumbled as Buffy took a seat on the stool beside him.

“I wanted to talk to you. Tara said we couldn’t fix your little, um, problem until I dealt with my issues or whatever.”

Spike looked over at her harshly and said in a snarled whisper. “Don’t talk about that in here.”

Buffy looked around at the handful of other male demon patrons and decided she wouldn’t add insult to injury. “Sorry.”

“Just go away, Buffy. Leave me to suffer in peace.”

“But I want to help.”

“Well, it’s not all about what you want.”

“Spike…”

Spike turned on her, his nostrils flaring. “No, Slayer. I’m bloody tired of being your sodding puppet. You’ve been knocking me back and forth like a rubber ball ever since you came back. You come to me for a bit of cold comfort, then you decide I’m not good enough for you, so you smack me back down. And now, you’ve done the stupidest thing you could possibly do just so you wouldn’t have to make the effort to control your own bloody hormones. I’m not going to sit here and listen to you pretend like you give a rat’s arse about me just so you can go to sleep tonight with a clean conscience.” He stood up and plucked the bottle from the bar. “I told you the other morning I was done being your whipping boy, and I meant it. I’m through here.”

He stormed out towards the sewer exit in the back, coat swirling behind him, and Buffy felt a lump rising in her throat. Since when did Spike walk away from her? She scrambled down from the barstool and ran after him.

As soon as he heard her footsteps following him into the otherwise deserted back room, Spike wheeled around, struggling to keep his anger in check now that he knew he could hurt her. “That was me leaving you behind, Slayer. Can’t you take a fucking hint?”

“But…but you can’t just go,” Buffy argued.

“Why? Because it doesn’t fit in with what you want? Ask me if I care.”

Buffy blinked. Spike was never like this with her, not since he’d decided he was in love with her. Not even when they were fighting. He seemed so…cold. “Spike, please. I just want to talk to you.”

“There’s nothing for us to talk about! What you did…” He shook his head. “You used magic to manipulate me, Slayer. You knew how I feel about magic. You knew, and you still went right on and did this. And I don’t care how your dress it up or try to rationalize it, you did this to me. Even if all the spell did was make you not want me anymore, your aim was to hurt me in favor of sparing yourself.”

Buffy shook her head. “Spike, no. That wasn’t it. I…I wasn’t trying to hurt you.”

“Yes you were!” Spike bellowed, making Buffy shake from the strength of it. “I love you, and you pissed on that! You don’t care one bit about my feelings. It’s all about you.” He shook his head. “You know, Slayer, if you didn’t want me, then you shouldn’t have started things in the house that night.”

“Things got out of hand then,” Buffy said. “I…you could hurt me, and…”

“Save it. I honestly don’t care one way or another why you did it anymore. You and I both know what there really is between us, and we also both know that you’re never going to do anything but deny it.” He stepped closer to her, their bodies almost touching, and Spike could hear Buffy’s heart pounding in her chest. “You spend so much time focusing on titles. Slayer, vampire – like that’s all we are. But I’m a man, too, Buffy, same as you’re a woman. Only you’ll never see that. You’ll never let yourself see it.”

“Spike…”

“Sod off, bitch,” he snarled before storming out, slamming the door hard enough to shake the room.

Buffy stared at the closed door, dumbfounded.

*** *** ***

Reviews? Please?

Since Buffy had so inconsiderately ruined his attempt to get drunk enough to actually have a valid excuse for his current condition, Spike headed out for patrol as soon as the sun went down. Maybe if he could pound on some unsuspecting demon, he’d feel a little less, well, impotent.

Instead, he found himself once again face to face with the Slayer. He gritted his teeth and resisted the very tempting notion of ripping her head from her neck. “What are you doing here?” Spike ground out.

“Patrolling,” Buffy replied with a shrug. “I mean, that is sort of my sacred duty and all.”

“Yeah, well, go perform your sacred duty in some other cemetery. It’s not like there aren’t enough in this bloody town to go around.”

Buffy pouted. “But I like this one.”

Spike refused to be swayed. The fact that her pout didn’t cause the stirring in his pants that it normally did was reminder enough of his anger and the reason behind it.

Though she did look bloody adorable in her knit cap, stake twirling in her hand…

Spike shook his head. He was furious with her – and rightly so. “I don’t care if you like this one, Slayer,” he snapped. “No one in it likes you.”

Buffy rolled her eyes, his acerbic remark not even putting a dent in her feelings. “Whatever, Spike,” she said with a snort.

Spike held his hands out in front of him, clenching his fists as if he was sorely tempted to throttle her, before he threw his arms up. “Fine. You want to patrol here, you go right ahead. I’ll go find another cemetery to kill things in.”

He turned and walked away, though he came to an abrupt stop when he realized Buffy was trailing behind him. He spun quickly towards her, his coat swirling around his legs. “What are you doing?”

“Following you,” Buffy replied simply.

“Well, stop it! I don’t need a bloody stalker.”

Buffy giggled. “That’s funny coming from you.”

“So, what, you’re going to start stalking me now?”

“Worth a shot,” Buffy said with a shrug of her shoulders. “It worked for you, after all.”

“It worked for…” Spike trained off, his expression growing colder. “You’ve already done enough damage to me today, Buffy. I don’t need you messing with my head, too.”

“I’m not messing with your head.”

“So you like me now? Is that really it, Slayer?” Spike yelled. “You’re going to be my girlfriend now? And how about if the spell breaks and you don’t have to worry about easing your guilt anymore? Then what? We move into a cozy little crypt for two? Or, heaven forbid, you actually let yourself be seen in public with me?” When Buffy said nothing, Spike had his answer. “That’s what I thought.”

When he started to walk away again, Buffy ran after him and grabbed the arm of his coat. “Spike, wait.”

Spike turned and looked her in the eye. “I’ve had enough of this shite, Buffy. Either I’m in your life of I’m out.”

“It’s not that simple.”

He jerked his sleeve away from her. “Then I’m out.”

Buffy tried to go after him a third time, but Spike struck out and knocked her down.

She looked up from the ground, having no choice but to watch him go.

*** *** ***

Buffy knew this was all her fault. She wished she could somehow place the blame for the whole ordeal on Spike’s shoulders, but she knew there was no one she could fault for this monumental lapse in judgment but herself.

However, that didn’t stop her from indulging in a little self pity.

She came into her house through the backdoor and went directly for the freezer, relieved to find a pint of ice cream sitting front and center. She didn’t know who’d been the one to actually purchase it, but honestly, she didn’t care. It wasn’t like anyone bothered to pay any rent around there…

Buffy sat down at the kitchen island with her current drug of choice and a spoon, determined to drown her sorrows with a little Chunky Monkey therapy.

“Was patrol rough tonight?”

Buffy looked up sharply, Willow’s sudden presence in the kitchen taking her by surprise. “You could say that. Sorry if I’m eating your ice cream. It was an emergency.”

Willow winced in sympathy. “That bad, huh?”

“Oh yeah. This day has been full of major suckage.” Buffy sighed. “Spike may actually never talk to me again.”

Willow sat down at the island, across from Buffy. “Well shouldn’t that have been a little pick-me-up in your otherwise sucky day?”

Buffy frowned, her hand stilling with the spoon still stuck in the ice cream. “That was what made it so bad, Willow.”

“Huh?” Willow wrinkled her nose. “Why?”

“Because he’s…” Buffy stopped short, not knowing what she could say. How could she define her relationship with Spike, especially to Willow? She didn’t really have a word for it, and she doubted Willow would be as accepting as Tara had been of anything she could manage to come up with. “Because he helps me patrol,” she said finally, though the answer made her feel a pang of guilt. She tried to squash it down.

“You don’t need him for that, Buffy. I mean, Xander and I helped you patrol for years before Spike came along.”

“Yeah, but you quit doing that years ago, and I don’t exactly see either of you clamoring to head out with me every night,” Buffy snapped, not realizing there was even a nerve to hit until Willow hit it. “And really, Willow, how much help are you two even going to be these days, huh? Maybe Xander can distract the demon by getting knocked unconscious and then you can take it out with some erratic, impaired driving.”

Willow pulled back, her expression on of shocked hurt. “Buffy! How can you say that? Xander and I are you best friends!”

“Are you? I can barely even talk to you because you’re always too involved in your own shit to know what’s going on beyond two feet in front of you! You brought me back because you just had to have me around, and then you completely ignored the damage you did to me. Then, you sit here and tell me you could actually take Spike’s place on my patrols, but the last time I asked you for help when that demon Xander so intelligently summoned tried to make my sister his own personal Persephone but without the vacation plan, you all just stood there looking at me like stunned deer while Giles decided that the best time for me to learn to stand on my own – cause hey, not like I’ve never done that before – was when the person who means more to me than anything in this world was in danger.”

Buffy stopped for a second, needing to take a deep breath before she continued. “The only person who supported me fully that night was Spike. And when we fought against Glory, he was right there by my side, ready and willing to do what I needed to have done to get the job done. But you and Xander? It’s never about doing what needs to be done to save the world with the two of you. You don’t even get the big picture half the time. You just treat it all like a game. Spike may be evil, but at least he understands the true magnitude of the battle we’re waging here.”

She stopped, letting out another deep, shuddering breath. The rant that had just spilled from her had taken her completely by surprise, but now that it was out, she felt relieved, like her overburdened shoulders were finally carrying one less weight.

For a long moment, all Willow could do was gape, until finally, she blurted out, “That isn’t fair, Buffy!”

“No, Willow, you know what isn’t fair? It’s not fair that I’ve had to go out every night and risk my life since I was fifteen. And it’s not fair that once I finally got to rest from all that, I had it ripped away from me. That isn’t fair, Willow.”

“You know, things haven’t been so great for me either, Buffy,” Willow snapped defensively.

“Yeah, well, you brought it all on yourself,” Buffy replied bitterly. “You used magic to manipulate everyone and everything in your life, and now you’re paying the price.”

“Hello, pot, you’re black,” Buffy thought, but she knew the accusation was true enough for both of them.

“Buffy, what’s wrong with you? You’re…you’re not acting like yourself.”

“How the hell would you know? And you want to know what’s wrong with me? My so-called ‘best friend’ is a judgmental, selfish bitch. That’s what’s wrong with me.”

The snapped response came before Buffy could even think about it, and as soon as she did, she wished she hadn’t said it – though she couldn’t bring herself to try to take it back either. It was harsher than she’d wanted to be, but it was still how she felt. She kept thinking about how Tara had been when Buffy had admitted what had happened with Spike. Tara had been surprised, sure, and maybe a little squicked, but she hadn’t judged.

And she certainly hadn’t started informing her of what was wrong with her in a grating, whiny tone…

Buffy thought she could probably get used to things like that.

“I’m not that, Buffy,” Willow said, looking every bit like the wrong party. “I can’t believe you’d even say something so hurtful.”

“Oh yeah? You’re not? Really? Then how about you stop freeloading and pitch in with the household expenses now and then, huh?” Buffy stood up, unwilling to let the conversation go any further. Instead, she left the house, her whole body shaking with anger as she stepped out onto the porch.

Willow didn’t follow her out, and for that, Buffy was glad; she’d said all she wanted to say. She knew a lot of the anger she was feeling right now was really towards herself, but a fair amount belonged rightly directed at Willow as well. Buffy still railed against the injustice that had been committed in bringing her back, and Willow’s recent decision to “fix it” through a forgetting spell had only upset her further.

The parallels of what Willow had done to her and what she had done to Spike were starting to form in Buffy’s mind, making her feel horrible. It had been a mistake, things hadn’t gone according to plan, but that didn’t excuse anything. She’d acted without taking the consequences or Spike’s feelings into consideration.

Without taking into consideration that he even had feelings.

That had been the case for years, and while it had been one thing when they’d been enemies, it was different now that they were…

Buffy still didn’t know how to complete that sentence.

But what she did know was that Spike was the only person she could talk to since she’d come back, and the conversation she’d just had in the kitchen made her realize why that was. She’d thought at first it was because she wanted to shield her friends from the truth of what they’d done, but now she realized it had really been so much more than that.

They wouldn’t have listened to what she had to say. They wouldn’t have given her support. They hadn’t…

Only Spike had. And now she’d blown it.

And while she knew that, as the Slayer, she shouldn’t be having any sort of relationship with a vampire that didn’t involve dust in the wind, she couldn’t seem to make that work with Spike. Since her resurrection – and before her death, too, if she was really being honest with herself – she’d come to depend on him. She needed someone who would listen to her without pitying her or trying to force her into adjusting her mood.

She needed someone who could make her smile despite it all…

She wanted to go to Spike and have him make her feel all better. She wanted him to hold her and comfort her and tell her everything was going to be okay. But she couldn’t. He’d made it pretty clear he wanted nothing to do with her for the time being – and quite possibly for good.

That thought almost had her in a panic. She’d been saying for years she wanted Spike out of her life, but facing it as an actual possibility? He’d never shown any indication of really wanting to leave her side, even when he’d been at his angriest. She’d come to depend on the idea of him being the man who didn’t leave. How would she deal if that changed?

And why did it matter so much to her at all?

Buffy felt like a confused mess, and she knew she had to talk to someone. She couldn’t make sense of anything on her own.

Not knowing where else to go to find anyone who would be willing to listen, Buffy started off towards UC Sunnydale.

*** *** ***

Please review.

Tara was just about to get ready for bed when someone knocked on her door. She set her toothpaste and toothbrush on her dresser, frowning as she wondered who would be coming there so late. Probably some lost student, she figured, or someone looking to start a last-minute dorm party.

She hadn’t been expecting to see Buffy Summers for the second time that day.

“Hi, Tara,” Buffy said as she answered, sounding subdued and possibly even a little nervous.

“Um, hi, Buffy, I haven’t found any other way to break the spell, so if that’s what you’re…”

“I’m not here because of the spell,” Buffy quickly clarified. “I came to talk to you. Do you have a few minutes?”

“Yeah, sure,” Tara said, stepping aside to let Buffy in, racking her brain in an attempt to figure out what she had done to bring the Slayer there so late. Had she done something Buffy didn’t approve of when she’d last been hanging out with Dawn? She’d tried to be a good role model for the teen…

“It’s not a crisis,” Buffy said, catching the troubled look on Tara’s face. “It’s not even a Scooby issue. It’s a Buffy issue.”

“A Buffy issue?” Tara asked. “What do you mean?”

“I just…well, I guess I need a friend to talk to.”

Tara blinked. Now she was really confused. “You mean like girl talk?”

Buffy nodded.

“No offense, Buffy, but why me? I mean, we’ve never exactly been…”

“Close? I know. But ever since I…came back, everything feels different anyway. I’m not close to anyone except…”

“Except Spike,” Tara supplied when Buffy trailed off into silence.

“Yeah. But…but now I’ve messed that up, and I don’t even know if that’s good or bad. I want to be with him sometimes, but I always know it’s wrong. And if I get serious with him, what will everyone thing? I already can’t talk to most of my friends about it as it is. And…and what does it say about me if the only men I can ever seem to really want are demons? How sick am I?”

Tara looked at Buffy, saw the tears beginning to fall down her face, and her heart broke for her.

After all, she’d been there before…

She sat down on the edge of the bed and patted the space beside her. Buffy sat, her head down and tears shimmering in her eyes, and Tara had to resist the urge to give her a comforting hug, not sure how the other woman would take that under the circumstances.

Instead, she simply cleared her throat and began to speak. “Buffy, when it comes to love and sex, certain things are hardwired into us – are a natural part of us. Maybe some of them are genetic, maybe some come from our environment, I don’t know. But what I do know is that they’re no more sinful or wrong than liking the color blue or chocolate chip cookies. It’s just part of what makes us who we are.

“I grew up in backwoods Alabama with a family that wasn’t exactly progressive in their way of thinking. For as far back as I can remember, I was told homosexuality was a sin, that it brought with it hellfire and damnation. So when I started figuring out that I was attracted to women, I was terrified. I thought what I wanted was wrong and that I was wrong for wanting it. So I tried to fight it, even dated this boy who made me miserable just because I thought I could make those other desires go away. But I couldn’t, no matter how hard I tried to tell myself I wasn’t allowed to feel them. I got depressed, I wasn’t taking care of myself – I was a wreck.”

Tara stopped for a moment, a small smile passing over her lips at an old memory. “And then I met Jennifer. It was my senior year of high school, and she transferred in. She was smart and beautiful, and when I was with her, it was like all the other problems I was having in my life didn’t matter anymore. Being with her was like being in a cocoon where I could be warm and happy and I didn’t have to just hurt all the time. And when I touched her, it was the first time it felt like I was with someone because I really wanted them and not just because they were who I was told to be with.

“Still, at first I spent all this time worrying about what everyone else I knew would think. I knew I was in love, but at the same time, everything was tainted from my own doubt and fear. I let my worries about how everyone else would perceive us taint what we had instead of realizing then that love, in all its forms, is a beautiful thing. Instead of embracing what I’d found, I hid in the shadows. Jen kept telling me I needed to stop being afraid all the time, and that if my friends couldn’t accept me for who I was, then they weren’t really my friends in the first place. But I didn’t listen to her.”

Tara looked down at her hands, her smile long gone now. “I didn’t realize until after I lost her that she was right. She told me she couldn’t take being my dirty little secret anymore, that it made her feel cheap. And then I was left without the person who made me happy and the people who made me feel like I was dirty and wrong were all I had. Eventually, I found the strength to reject what I’d been told in the past and embrace who I really was, but I paid a price for taking as long as I did. Not only did I lose someone I cared about, but I hurt her in the process. And even now that I’ve moved on and learned to love someone else, I still regret how I hurt her and wish that I’d had the strength then not to make her feel like there was something wrong with her because I hadn’t been able to accept that there wasn’t anything wrong with me.”

The two women sat in silence for several moments, letting Tara’s story sink in. Finally, Buffy spoke, asking softly, “So you think I should just be with Spike?”

Tara’s lip curled up in a wry smile. “I think you have to make your own decision about whether you want to be with Spike. I don’t know if you love him or not, or if being in a serious relationship with him is actually what you want. But what I do think is that you shouldn’t base your decision on what your friends will think or how anyone else will view your relationship. The only people who know what’s going on in a relationship are the two people in it. No one else has a say.”

She placed her hand on Buffy’s shoulder. “But I do want you to know that if being with Spike is what you want, then you won’t be friendless. I don’t know what they’ll decide to do, but I’ll be here for you, okay? If you need someone to support you, or even just be there to make you feel less lonely, you know where I am.”

Buffy met Tara’s eyes, the statement taking her by surprise. She wished now that she’d paid more attention to Tara in the past, since there seemed to be more to the other woman than she’d ever given her credit for. “Thank you. I…I don’t know that I’ve ever really given you a reason to be all there for me, but…”

“Buffy, yes, you have,” Tara said, cutting her off. “You and Spike both stood up for me that day when my family came to try to get me to go back with them. And yeah, his way was by punching me in the nose, but he’s Spike and he’s special like that.” When her comment got a giggle from Buffy, Tara smiled and continued. “I can’t even begin to tell me what that meant to me. To have you stand there and defend me like that, to be strong so I could be, too… You’re a good person, Buffy. There’s more love in you than most people will know in a lifetime. And if you want to call me your friend, then it’s an honor.”

Suddenly, Buffy threw her arms around Tara, taking her completely by surprise. “Thank you.”

Tara hugged her back. “There’s nothing wrong with you, Buffy,” she said softly. “Nothing at all. And loving someone certainly won’t ever make you wrong.”

Buffy pulled back, wiping at the tears in her eyes. “I…I need to go think about some things, okay?”

Tara nodded. “I thought you might. Do you want my number in case you need to call me later?”

“If…if you wouldn’t mind.”

“I don’t mind. I’m here to support you, Buffy, in any way you need, okay?”

“Thank you. I know I keep saying that, but…”

“I know. It’s okay.” Tara stood up and went to her desk, scribbling her number down on a piece of paper before she handed it to Buffy. “Call me for anything you need, all right? And don’t worry about me judging you for anything you tell me. I won’t.”

“You promise?”

Her voice was so small and her eyes wide, making Buffy appear nothing like the tough Slayer Tara had come to think she knew over the years. She looked like a frightened little girl, one who was terrified of being something Tara knew she’d never even be capable of becoming. It broke her heart and made her angry at the same time. And made her sick to her stomach to know who had had a hand in making Buffy the way she was…

“I promise.”

Buffy folded up the piece of paper and put it in her pocket. “Good night, Tara. And at the risk of sounding totally like a broken record, thank you again.”

“Any time. Good night.”

Buffy went towards the door, but stopped when Tara spoke again.

“You don’t have to be afraid of Spike. He loves you too much to ever really hurt you.”

Buffy turned. “How do you know that?”

“I’ve seen him with you.”

Buffy felt something tighten in her chest and knew she had to make a decision soon.

*** *** ***

Tara groaned as a loud rap on her door pulled her out of a deep sleep. She rolled over at looked at the clock. Three thirty in the morning? Why in the world would anyone be bothering her at three thirty in the morning?

The knock came again, and she got out of bed, pulling on her robe and tying it around her waist as she went to the door. She wondered if it was Buffy again, though she doubted the Slayer would drop by so late.

She cracked open the door, her eyebrow shooting up as she saw Spike in the hallway, rocking nervously back on his heels.

“Hey, Glinda. Can I talk to you?”

He looked so miserable that Tara couldn’t find it in herself to turn him away. Sure, she had a class in four and a half hours, but she’d gone on less sleep before. “Sure. Come on in, Spike,” she said as she opened the door all the way for him.

He stepped into her dorm and immediately began pacing. Tara shut the door then sat down on her bed, wanting to be out of the way of his frantic steps, so not in the mood to get run over by a vampire.

“I can’t sleep,” Spike said, still pacing. “I mean, yeah, sure, vampire, not really my bedtime, but I didn’t sleep all day. I haven’t felt like feeding either and it’s all her bloody fault. And for all I know, everything down there would work just fine not around her since she did that sodding spell to herself, but I’ll probably never even know because she’s the only person who’s been able to get me going in ages. And I wish I could stop thinking about her, stop caring about her because she’s such a bloody little bitch, but it’s like she did some spell to me way before this because every thought I have is tainted with her. I’m a vampire for fuck’s sake, and a vicious one, too, and instead I’ve been reduced to the Slayer’s lapdog because I fell in love with yet another woman who’s never going to see me as anything but her toy. And now I’m stuck being literally what I’ve felt I was figuratively for years now because again, it’s all about her. I swear, she acts like we’re all just the supporting characters in the Buffy show, and maybe I could take that if I were the leading man now and then, but no. I’ve got to play in the shadows why she takes gits like that wanker Finn out and shows them off, but never Spike. No, Spike isn’t good enough to be on the Slayer’s perfect little arm.”

Tara stared from her bed, wide-eyed as Spike moved back and forth in front of her, his arms gesturing wildly. His words came out in a rush, and she wondered if he wasn’t a vampire if he would’ve passed out from not taking a single breath in his entire rant.

“Um…so have you tried talking to Buffy about any of this?”

“Yeah, like that does any good. She just calls me a thing and punches me in the nose. If I didn’t have vampire healing, I’d start looking like that bloke who does all those offbeat comedies.”

Tara frowned. “Owen Wilson?”

“He the one with the smooshed-looking nose?” Tara nodded. “Yeah, him.”

Hearing Spike’s thoughts on things – or at least the ones she could pick out of his jumbled tirade – it seemed as if he and Buffy were on two entirely different pages in this whole mess. He was ready to have an actual relationship while she was still dwelling on the possible consequences. He’d been ready to jump into the deep end of the pool while she was still testing the water with her toe.

Which could quite possibly be their first problem in a very, very long list of problems.

Tara wished she could tell Spike about her conversation with Buffy earlier and her growing suspicion that Buffy’s feelings for Spike mirrored his own more than she thought either one of them was fully away of, but she knew that would be overstepping her bounds – especially given the fact that she was fairly certain the things Buffy had told her had been told in confidence. Still, she felt the need to give the two of them a nudge.

If for no other reason than so she could finally get some sleep.

“Spike, Buffy’s… Well, she’s got some serious issues.”

Spike snorted. “Way to state the obvious there, Tinkerbell.”

Tara couldn’t help but smirk at Spike’s sarcastic response. “Okay, so that’s well established. Look, my point is that she’s not just going to fall into your arms. Even if she does want to be with you, it’s not going to be easy. She needs some gentle prodding.”

“She needs a sodding cattle prod,” Spike muttered.

“Yeah, and if memory serves, you tried that before, and it didn’t work so well.” Until that moment, Tara didn’t know vampires could blush, and she only laughed at the chagrined look on Spike’s face. Even with all the bleach and leather, he could still manage to look like a contrite little boy.

Finally, he stopped his pacing and flopped back into Tara’s chair. “So what do you think I should do, witchy woman?”

“Approach her like you would a spooked animal. Be calm.” Spike arched his eyebrow, and this time, Tara did chuckle. “Okay, as calm as you can possibly manage. Don’t push her for anything. Just let her feel comfortable around you. And let her know you forgive her for the, um…incident.”

Spike crossed his arms over his chest. “I’m not sure I do.”

Tara’s eyebrow arched. “Please, Spike. You and I both know that isn’t the case. And yeah, what she did was wrong, but she knows that as much as either one of us does, and she feels genuinely remorseful. So move on from it. Let her know you still love her and that the two of you can move on from here.”

“Kinda difficult to move on when he still isn’t working.”

“Yeah, and as long as Buffy’s afraid to let herself love you, he’s not going to work, so you can either try to fix things with her or join a monastery,” Tara snapped.

“Wow. Kitty has claws. I’ll have to remember that.”

“Damn right I have claws. Especially when I’m going on like three hours of sleep.”

“Right. Point taken.”

Tara sighed, knowing she needed to give Spike a little more information but also knowing she needed to choose her words carefully. “Spike, Buffy’s whole thing with fighting her feelings for you – it’s not about you. It’s about her and her own personal fears. If you want her, then you have to prove to her that facing those fears will be worth it in the long run.”

“And how am I supposed to do that?”

“Well, first, let her come to you next. And when she does, just talk to her. Don’t cause her to dwell on the whole vampire and slayer thing and don’t yell at her because she um…”

“Broke my penis?” Spike supplied, bitterness in his tone.

“Yeah, that. She knows you’re angry about it, but if you keep reminding her, then she’s going to stay on the defensive.”

“I don’t know if I can do that. She tends to make me want to yell at her.”

“Look, Spike, you’re at a crossroads here, all right? Either you want to be with Buffy or you don’t. And if you do, well, clearly whatever you’ve been doing to get her isn’t working or you wouldn’t be here.”

Spike frowned, his head tilting slightly for a moment before he gave in and said, “Okay, you’ve got a point there.” Then, he sighed, his hands dropping down into his lap. “Buffy’s so different from every other woman I’ve ever been with. I mean, with Dru I could just bring her a nice, ripe girl to kill, and she was happy. Harmony was all set if I gave her something shiny. But Buffy…she never wants things. Hell, I don’t know what she wants.”

“She wants to feel like she’s good enough to have love,” Tara said softly.

Spike looked at her sharply. “What?”

Tara wondered if she’d said too much now, but she seemed to have finally really gotten Spike’s attention. “Buffy’s terrified that there’s something wrong with her and that wanting you is just symptomatic of that. But I don’t think it really has anything to do with you. Whatever damage was done to her, it started a long time ago, and now you’re both paying the price for it. I don’t really know what goes on behind closed doors with the two of you, but for your own sake, I’m advising you to tread lightly for a bit. Because otherwise, she’s going to go on the defensive and she’s going to run. Trust me on this one.”

“Did she tell you she doesn’t think she’s good enough to have love?” Spike asked.

“Not in so many words, but that was the definite impression she got.”

“But she’s…”

“I know, Spike. I know. But you have to make sure she does, too.”

“Bloody hell. Woman like that should know how sodding amazing she is.”

“She doesn’t. Not as far as the woman goes anyway. She knows what she is as the Slayer, but as just a person – not so much.”

Spike looked down, though Tara caught a flash of his eyes and saw shame in them – something else she wouldn’t have thought a vampire was capable of until then. “I told her she came back wrong.”

“She already thought it, Spike.”

“But I…”

“Look, Spike, it’s almost four in the morning. I have a class at eight. Go home, go to bed, get some rest. There’s nothing that can be done about what’s already happened. But maybe something good can come out of this whole thing and it can set the two of you on a path that’s not so destructive. You both know there’s issues between the two of you, and you can either ignore them or deal with them. This is your crossroads; pick the road you want to walk with her and don’t dwell on the places you’ve already been.”

“Right then.” Spike got to his feet. “Thanks for putting up with me tonight.”

Tara smiled at him. “You’re welcome.”

Spike gave her a small salute and left the room.

Tara got back into bed and hoped she could get a couple more hours of sleep.

*** *** ***

Sorry it took me a while to get this up. I’ve been having internet problems.

Please review.

The house was too quiet. Dawn was at school – as was Willow, though from the cold shoulder Buffy had gotten this morning, she was pretty sure even if Willow was there she wouldn’t be talking to her.

Surprisingly, Buffy found that she didn’t really care.

Truthfully, when she thought about it, Buffy didn’t much feel like talking to Willow either. Willow’s whole attitude recently had been pissing her off. Even beyond the resurrection, Willow’s recent out-of-control behavior had gotten Dawn hurt – and yet Willow seemed to believe that she was the victim to be pitied.

The more she thought about it, the angrier Buffy became. Willow was so quick to point fingers at other people or find excuses for the problems in her life that had nothing to do with her own behavior. Tara left because Willow’s default response to dealing with conflict was to try to bend the world to her will, and really, that hadn’t been a new development. Willow had been heading on this path for years, and when she actually sat down and thought about it, the clearer it became to her that it wasn’t an issue of the magic so much as an issue of Willow’s desire to control everything and everyone around her.

Buffy had just made a similar mistake with magic, and she certainly hadn’t wanted to just keep right on doing the same thing. She didn’t buy Willow’s excuse that magic was addictive, not anymore. Not like she was trying to claim.

If anything, screwing up so royally with it made Buffy want to stay away – not use more and more.

Buffy had always held Willow’s opinion in high regard – it had been a big part of what had persuaded her to accept Riley’s advances – and now she was wondering why. She’d always thought of Willow as being smart, and while Willow may have a brain that could retain facts, Buffy was starting to seriously doubt how much common sense the woman actually had.

So what did it even matter if Willow didn’t approve of her relationship choices? She’d given Riley her stamp of approval, and he’d cheated on her with vampire whores.

Furthermore, Willow had dated Oz, which pretty much took away any of her room to get on Buffy about being with Spike. Sure, Oz was only a killer three days out of the month, but when he was in his wolf form, he was a lot more dangerous than Spike in some ways. And he’d killed Veruca. And for all they knew, other people, too. So if that was okay for Willow, then where did she get off judging Buffy’s relationship choices? Hell, she’d dated a psycho demon robot, too.

And on that note, where did Xander get off on judging any of her choices? He could turn his nose up at her for dating Angel and Spike, but he was going to get engaged to someone who had probably killed more people than both of them combined? Where was the fair in that? If he could date a demon, then so could she, dammit.

Suddenly, Buffy was angry. How dare they stage their little interventions and tell her how to live her life? What did they know? They didn’t even care if she was really happy as long as she didn’t act upset around them. They wanted her to conform to the image they had set for her, and heaven forbid she rock the boat.

Well, she was tired of it. She thought about something Tara had said the night before about how if people couldn’t accept you how you were, then they really weren’t your friends at all.

And really, she couldn’t even remember the last time she’d actually enjoyed herself with Willow and Xander anyway. They’d stopped having fun together a long time ago, though she’d been afraid to admit that. The happy little group they’d been in high school didn’t really exist anymore. It was a painful thing for her to realize, but she knew it was time she faced the truth. She couldn’t keep living in the past, pretending none of them had changed.

It was time for her to grow up. If they wanted to come along for the ride, they could, but otherwise, well, maybe it was time for her to let go.

She’d already lived out one life doing what was expected of her. This time around, it was time to start living the way she wanted.

Right now, she wanted to see Spike.

And Buffy was no longer going to deny herself what she wanted.

*** *** ***

Spike knew it was her the moment she came into the crypt. He’d know the sound of those tiny booted feet anywhere.

He lay still in the bed, knowing if his heart could beat, it would be thudding in his chest. He’d gotten the distinct impression from Tara the night before that she knew something about Buffy’s feelings that he didn’t, but he also knew with Buffy anything was possible. She could be coming here to launch herself into his arms or kick him in the head. It was a toss up.

Buffy came down the stairs but stopped short before she reached the bed. Spike turned to look at her, not moving from his reclining position, waiting for her to make the first move. She fidgeted for a moment, her eyes trained on the floor, before she finally spoke so softly he didn’t think he would’ve heard it had his vision not been so acute.

“I’m sorry.”

With those simple words, it was like a dam burst inside of him, and Spike couldn’t stay angry at her any longer. He didn’t know who he’d been kidding trying to pretend he could actually hold a grudge against her. And looking at her now… She looked so bloody miserable that he stopped caring about his woes at all, wanting nothing more than to comfort her. He thought for a moment about what he should say before he gave up on words at all and held her arms out to her.

In an instant, Buffy was in them, burying herself against his chest and wrapping her own arms tightly around him. “I’m so sorry, Spike. Really, I am.”

“Shh, I know, sweetheart. It’s all right,” Spike cooed as he stroked her hair. “It’s all right.”

“No, it really isn’t. And…and not just the thing with the spell. You’ve been the only person who’s really been there for me since I got back, and I’ve just been taking that for granted.”

“It’s okay, kitten. That’s the past,” he assured her, realizing as he spoke how much he wanted it to be the truth. “We can start fresh from here, yeah?”

“I want to. I…I want to be with you, Spike. For real. I want to try.”

Spike would’ve thought he was still asleep and dreaming if the moment hadn’t been so crisp, so tangible. He could feel her skin against his and his nostrils filled with her scent. She was there; she was his.

Though clearly, things were not all good between them. Buffy was still…afraid.

“What’s wrong, luv?” he asked, his lips against her hair. He could breathe the scent of it in all day…

“What if this doesn’t work, Spike?”

“What if a giant meteor falls from the sky and kills us all tomorrow?”

She looked up at him sharply and Spike chuckled. “There’s no guarantees in life, luv. You of all people should know that by now. But there’s also no shot at happiness if you don’t take a chance on something that’s a little scary now and then.”

“I don’t want to get hurt.”

“Neither do I, sweetheart, but…” Spike stopped and pushed her hair away from her face so he could better look into her eyes. “Answer something for me, all right? And I want the honest truth.”

“Okay.”

“If I walked out right now and never looked back, let you have your life without the threat of me ever mucking it up, would that hurt?”

Buffy thought about the question, let what he was asking really sink in. It hit her like a sharp twist inside of her, the very thought of it bringing tears to her eyes. “Yes. Oh god, Spike, it would hurt so much…”

“Then this thing between us is a gamble worth taking.” He held her face in his hands, making her keep looking at him. He could hear her breath quickening and her heart thudding in her chest. “I love you, Buffy. I love you more than I even knew it was possible to love anyone until I saw you. You’ve changed everything for me. What I need, what I want, who I am. You make me care about things I never gave a damn about before simply because they matter to you. You make me want to choose pig’s blood over human, save lives instead of take them. You make me want to save the whole sodding world.”

Spike brushed his thumbs against her skin, smearing her tears as he did. “You make me want to be one of the good guys, Buffy. I see the goodness in you, and I want to be a part of that. I know I don’t deserve you. I’ve never done a thing to deserve the love of an angel, but I’m a selfish sort of bloke, and I want it anyway. I want to bask in the light you give off, even if I know it should burn me.”

“An angel?” Buffy asked softly. “I’m not…”

Spike cut her off, a crooked grin on his face. “You fell from Heaven, luv. Only one sort of creature does that.” When she opened her mouth to respond, Spike pressed a finger to her lips. “Listen to me. You didn’t come back wrong. You couldn’t be wrong even if you wanted to be. There’s so much good in you, Buffy, it’s nearly blinding. If you came back as anything other than all human, it’s only because you came back with a piece of Heaven still inside of you.” He wrapped his arms around her again and pressed his lips to her forehead. “You could never be wrong, baby. Never.”

“But you said…”

“Men say lots of thing to get a woman in bed, kitten. Doesn’t make them true.”

Buffy laughed, and Spike felt it shake his own body, warming him in a way that shouldn’t be possible. He kissed her forehead again, then sobered. “I’m sorry I said that, Buffy. It was a mistake. I didn’t…I didn’t realize the effect it was going to have on you. But I knew you were too good for me, and I thought…I thought maybe if you didn’t think you were, that maybe you’d finally start to look at me as something more than dirt under your shoe.”

“I don’t think you’re dirt under my shoe. I think…well, actually, I think you’re a damn decent man, Spike.”

“Yeah, how you figure that?” Spike asked, frowning.

“Because you can manage to love more without a soul than any other man I’ve ever know can with one.”

“Love’s an important thing to hold on to. It’s what gives us our humanity.”

Buffy pulled back again, just enough to look into his eyes but still keep her arms wrapped tightly around him. His eyes were so intense, so full of emotion, and she wondered about the old saying that they were windows to the soul. What was she seeing in his? “Tell me you love me, Spike,” she begged, the plea a breathy whisper that made him tremble. “Say the words to me, please.”

He swallowed, touched his hand to her cheek again. “I love you.”

She smiled softly and laid her hand over his. “I love you, too.”

It was a perfect moment the likes of which Spike had rarely experience in over a century of existing. A moment in which his world fell apart and came together in an instant and he felt so full of pure joy he didn’t think he could contain it all within himself. So he kissed her, hard and deep, pouring into her all the emotion she stirred inside of him. Buffy tangled her hand in his hair and brought him even closer, holding him to her.

Spike finally broke away from her lips when he felt his cock jump against her. “You’re not afraid anymore, luv?”

Buffy shook her head. “No. I’m not. Not with you.”

“I know you’re taking a chance on me, and I know what it would do to you if I made you regret that. I won’t. I promise you, I’ll work hard at being good for you. I promise.”

“Shh, Spike, it’s okay. Just be you, and it’ll be okay.”

“Buffy, just me isn’t…”

She silenced him with a soft kiss. “I only want to love you for who you are.”

Spike could hardly believe what she was saying. It all seemed too good to be true, only it was true because Buffy was there, in his arms, trusting him with her heart and asking him for nothing but his love. He didn’t really understand why she’d changed her attitude towards him, but he didn’t care. She was there, she wanted him.

No, not just wanted. Loved.

“Say it again, kitten. Even if you never say it again, say it one more time.”

“I love you, William. I do.” She kissed him, loving the taste of him and finally admitting she didn’t want to live without knowing it. “And you’ll hear me say it again.”

“Promise?”

She smiled. “Yes.”

Spike fisted his hands in her long, blonde hair and brought her back to his mouth, a low growl vibrating from him as he kissed her. Buffy clutched his shoulders, relief flooding her body as she felt his cock grow to full hardness against her.

“God, I missed him,” she said in a rush of breath as they broke away from air.

Spike snorted. “You missed him? I felt like my best mate had just died.”

Buffy resisted the urge to make a snide comment about men and their relationships with their penises. Instead, she slid her hand down between them and ran her thumb over the belled head of Spike’s cock. “Guess I better get down there and apologize to him, too, huh?”

“It would be the proper thing to do,” Spike replied, a twinkle in his eyes.

“Honey, if you want me to do anything ‘proper’ to your penis, I think we’re seriously on different pages here.”

“Oh, just get down there and blow me, woman,” Spike growled in response, rolling his eyes. Buffy giggled and slid down his body, kicking the sheets out of the way in the process.

Coming face to face with Spike’s erection had inspired different emotions in her in the past: desire, lust, even trepidation. But the relief she felt now – at least in this form – was a completely new one. She’d never been so happy to see an erection in her life. “God, I really did miss you,” she said before pressing her lips to the tip of his cock, apologizing for her misdeed with a tender kiss. Spike groaned beneath her, his hand coming up to tangle in her hair and push her towards taking more into her mouth.

Buffy quickly complied. After all, she figured after making the poor man be impotent for a whole day, the least she could do was give him a decent blowjob.

Spike kept his hand in her hair, guiding her movements, showing her what he liked best. He groaned broken strings of praise and commands, and Buffy complied with an eagerness to please she hadn’t allowed herself to have in their first few times together. This time, she focused on the future and not just the present, wanting to learn how best to pleasure her new lover for all the time she knew they’d eventually spend in each other’s arms.

It gave her a sense of comfort, knowing that someday, she’d know this man’s body as well as her own.

He barked a warning to her in just enough time for her to prepare herself, and when he released into her mouth, she swallowed him down, not even considering pulling away. She wanted him to know she was there with him completely, that she wanted to share everything with him.

She wasn’t going to run from anything anymore…

He was panting for unneeded breath as she crawled back up his body, a self-satisfied grin on her face. Once she was close enough, Spike grabbed her and kissed her, not seeming put off by his own taste on her tongue in the least bit. “You’re amazing, Buffy,” he said when he broke away, his hands coasting over her sides. “Bloody perfect, every bit of you.”

“Yeah?” Buffy leaned in and nipped at his earlobe, smiling when Spike moaned from the small bite. “So does that mean he’s started to forgive me for all the trauma?”

“Just about,” Spike replied, his hands creeping up to slip under her shirt. “Think he might need some time in that hot, tight lil’ pussy of yours first.”

Buffy squirmed as she nipped at him again, this time grazing his neck with her teeth. Spike growled and thrust up, and Buffy knew she had to have him right then.

Thankfully, he was hard all over again – if he’d ever really gone soft in the first place. She sighed an internal sigh of relief. It was so good to have Spike back in working order…

“I’m all yours, Spike,” she whispered. “Anyway you want me, you can have me.”

He growled again, loudly this time, and Buffy suddenly found herself on her back, a very aroused vampire over her, looking at her like he wanted to devour her.

She’d never been so turned on in her life.

And she was okay with that.

Spike moved quickly, removing her jeans and shoes before she even had a chance to realize what he was doing. Her shirt followed next, and he growled appreciatively at her lack of bra before ripping her panties off her body with one sharp tug.

He pushed her legs wide apart and positioned himself at her entrance, though he stopped right before he pushed in. Buffy could tell it was taking an extreme amount of effort on his part to still himself, but he asked her anyway, “Ready for me, luv?”

“I couldn’t have sex with you for a whole day. If I have to wait another second I think I’ll explode,” Buffy replied.

Spike chuckled. “And whose fault was that, Slayer?”

“Mine, all mine. I was a very bad girl. Now please, Spike, fuck me.”

Spike shivered, her declaration that she’d been a “very bad girl” giving him all sorts of naughty ideas, but he decided to explore them later. Right now he just wanted to be inside the woman he loved.

The woman who loved him.

She cried out with such heartfelt relief when he pushed inside of her that Spike almost came right there. Her arms and legs wrapped around him, pulling him closer, keeping him inside her. She wanted him – and she was letting herself want him.

He couldn’t think of anything else more erotic than that.

She wasn’t fighting him this time, not like she had the times before. She was right there with him, pulling him closer instead of trying to push him away. And yet, she was no less intense, no less raw.

He was finally getting all of her…

Spike put his face against the crook of her neck, breathing in the sweet scent of sweat and desire on her skin. “God, Slayer, I love you so much,” he groaned, his eyes closing as he just felt her.

Buffy moaned again. “Yes…love you, Spike. Love you...”

That was too much for him. He hefted her up with a snarl, rocking back on his knees with Buffy straddling his hips, his hands firm against her back to support her as he thrust into her with his full strength. Within moments, Buffy was coming in his arms, her head thrown back, her nails in his shoulders, and a high-pitched, keening wail filling his crypt.

He threw her back down, thrust into her one more time, and erupted with a shout of her name.

As the aftershocks made their way through him, Spike realized how tightly she was holding him, how she didn’t want to let him go.

He closed his eyes, breathed her in, and held onto the hope that she meant it all.

*** *** ***

Sorry this chapter took so long. Gnomes were clogging my internets or something. The next chapter will be up soon.

Please review.

Buffy was feeling pleasantly sore. Apparently, Spike had either felt the need to make up for lost time or reassure himself that everything was really working, because this was the first time in hours he’d let her come up for air.

Not that she was complaining…

She felt better then than she had in a long time, since well before her death and resurrection. She'd feared letting herself give in to what she felt for Spike, but now that she had, she was realizing it was the most freeing thing she'd ever done.

Sure, the hours of amazing sex certainly played a part in her current good mood, but she knew it had more to do with simply being with him now. She hadn't moved since she'd collapsed against his chest several moments earlier, but a small smile formed on her lips as he stroked her back and hair. Buffy lifted her head long enough to kiss his chest before snuggling closer, and her smile grew as Spike held her tighter.

She knew that she was in a crypt with a vampire, something that she shouldn't even consider, never mind actually do, but suddenly, she didn't care so much. What Spike had said to her the day before at Willy's, about how she focused too much on the vampire and Slayer aspect of their relationship and not the fact that they were also just a man and a woman had struck a chord.

Buffy had spent so many years trying to find the girl she had been before she was called as the Slayer that she seemed to have missed how gone that girl truly was – and not just because of her calling.

Quite simply, the girl had grown up.

She’d long ago become assured of her abilities as the Slayer. She never allowed anyone to question the choices she made in that arena and never doubted her skills or competency when she went into battle. So why should she doubt her decisions about the rest of her life?

Buffy understood now why so many people drifted apart from their high school friends. Growing up often meant growing in different directions, and if someone couldn’t adjust to that, then the friendship died. Xander and Willow tried so hard to keep her the same girl she’d been when she was sixteen, and she simply wasn’t anymore. They’d gone through changes since the tenth grade, and yet, they’d demanded she stay the same – and that she be happy because of the things they though should make her happy.

They didn’t.

Spike made her happy. He loved her; she loved him. The whole concept of it was both simple and extremely complicated, but that didn’t mean she needed anyone else’s help in order to sort her own feelings out. Her private life was just that – private. And while all parts of her life were interconnected, the person she slept with didn’t define everything else.

And it certainly wasn’t the business of her other friends. They could either like Spike or not, but the bottom line was that she liked him. Past that, it was really no one’s business but hers.

“Are you all right, luv? You got all quiet.”

“I’m just thinking,” Buffy replied.

“Oh. Regrets?”

Buffy looked up sharply, the words to ask him why he’d think that on the tip of her tongue before she saw the look in his eyes. She didn’t have to ask a question to which she already knew the answer.

“There’s no regrets, baby,” she said softly, pushing away the stray bleached curls that were on his forehead, his carefully-gelled hairstyle ruined by her enthusiastic fingers.

“Are you sure, Slayer, because…”

She silenced him with a kiss. “No Slayer here, all right? I just want to be Buffy with you.” She put her hand against his chest, her palm over where his heartbeat used to be. “Sometimes I think you’re the only person who even really knows Buffy.”

“She’s takes a bit of work to figure out sometimes, but I like to think I manage all right,” Spike replied, and Buffy was glad to see a smirk replace his uncertain look from a moment ago.

“I think you have me better figured out than I do sometimes,” Buffy replied.

“You know yourself better than you think you do, sweetheart. You just don’t like to listen.”

“That’s going to change.”

“Is it?”

Buffy nodded, her hand sliding across Spike’s chest to hook around his waist and hold herself against him. “It’s getting exhausting fighting what I want all the time. I’m making myself miserable.”

“And cranky. You can’t forget cranky.”

She brought her hand back up and smacked his chest, but his comment made Buffy smile, too, even as she responded with, “Ass.”

“Hey, considering my twenty-four hour ordeal, I think I’m entitled to a dig or two.”

“Yeah, like you wait for an excuse,” Buffy replied with a roll of her eyes. Then, she looked up and met his gaze. “Are we okay there now?”

“Yeah, luv, we’re okay,” he assured her, stroking her hair. “I couldn’t stay angry at you for long anyway.” He winked. “Besides, if I can forgive you for dropping a church organ on me and making me completely bloody useless…”

Buffy smacked his chest again. “I can’t believe you’re actually bringing that up. It was years ago, and really, you had it coming that time.”

“My hip still hurts when it rains.”

“Your…” Buffy stopped when she saw him trying unsuccessfully not to smirk again. “You’re such a dork.”

Spike kissed her forehead, and she could feel his smile against her skin. “As long as I’m your dork, I couldn’t bloody care less.”

“All mine,” Buffy told him with a giggle. Soon, his hands were trailing down her body, wanting to stoke the fires of desire inside of her yet again.

Buffy did what she wanted to do.

*** *** ***

“Remind me why we’re not in bed again?” Spike grumbled as he pulled a black t-shirt over his head. “I was quite comfortable where I was.”

“I have to patrol,” Buffy replied, zipping up her boot. “And I want to go check on Dawn first, since I haven’t seen her since I threw a Pop Tart at her this morning and sent her to school. Make sure her arm isn’t giving her more trouble than it should be.”

At the mention of the younger Summers sister and her recent injury, Spike reluctantly gave into the idea of leaving his bedroom. Fully dressed now, he went over to Buffy and put his hands on her hips, pulling her close to him. “All right. We’ll go check on the bit and do a quick patrol. But then you’ll come back here with me, yeah?”

Buffy looked down, her hands going over his as she traced one of his silver rings with her fingertips. “Actually, I was thinking maybe you’d want to stay at my place tonight. I mean, your crypt is cozy and all, but my house does have a few more…amenities.”

“Stay? You mean like sleep in your bed and stay until the next day?”

“Maybe even a little longer,” Buffy replied with a slight nod.

Her request had him floored. Even with her declaration of love and the afternoon they’d spent in each other’s arms, he hadn’t let himself even imagine that Buffy would let him sleep next to her in her own bed. It was something he’d wanted for years, but it had seemed so personal, so intimate, that he was certain she’d never allow him in.

“Willow lives with you, doesn’t she? Won’t it be a little difficult to hide we’re together if I’m having sleepovers.”

“I’m not…” Buffy stopped, took a deep breath, and lifted her head. She need to keep hiding from things, needed to quit being so unsure of herself. She needed to act like an adult in an adult relationship – which, for the first time, was truly what she was.

“I’m not keeping this from her. It’s my house. I can have anyone over I want. I mean, she’s not even paying rent. What kind of say does she have in who’s there?”

“So I don’t even have to try to pretend I’m there for another reason?”

“No. Hell, grab my ass right in front of her for all I care.”

Spike’s bark of laughter made Buffy smile. “Don’t tempt me, luv.”

“Like you need to be tempted, oh ye of little impulse control.”

“And you’re one to talk?” Spike asked, eyebrow arched.

“Shut up,” Buffy grumbled.

Spike took both of her hands in his, his thumbs stroking her skin. “So we stop by and check on Dawn, patrol, then head back to your place for the night?”

“If you’re good with that.”

“Pet, I can’t think of a way I’d rather spend the night.”

Buffy smiled at him, the bright, nearly-blinding smile that never seemed to fail to make him feel warm again. More content than he remembered being in a long time, Spike had to kiss her.

*** *** ***

As soon as they made the turn onto Buffy’s block, she groaned, the bounce that had been in her step disappearing in an instant.

“What’s wrong, luv?” Spike asked, squeezing her hand, still intertwined with his.

“Xander’s car is parked in front of my house. I’m soo not in the mood.”

“Do you still want to go by there first?” Spike asked. “He might be gone once we finished patrolling.”

Buffy shook her head. “I’m rarely, if ever, that lucky. Besides, I really do need to check in on Dawn. I’ve been way too slack of a guardian recently.”

“All right. Are we going in through the front?”

“Yeah.”

Spike and Buffy walked onto her porch, though Buffy stopped again when she peeked in through the partially-open curtains. “Oh, shit.”

“What?”

“Willow and Xander are sitting in the living room, all still and serious-looking. I’m getting intervention vibes.”

“Intervention vibes?” Spike repeated with a frown. “What do you mean?”

“It’s this thing they do,” Buffy replied with a roll of her eyes. “Whenever I do something that doesn’t merit the Scooby Stamp of Approval, they gang up on me to tell me I’m wrong. It’s annoying as hell.”

“You’re kidding me.”

“I wish. When you made that robot, I walked into one about how sleeping with you clearly meant I had issues. And yet, the fact that none of them could tell me apart from some crazy, overly-perky sex toy somehow didn’t speak ill of them at all.”

“Your friends really are bloody morons, luv. Truly.”

“Yeah, tell me about it,” Buffy replied with a snort.

“But why would they be staging one of these interventions now? Do…do you think they already know about us?”

“I doubt it. Not really, anyway, though they probably already think I’m spending too much time with you or something. But I got into a screaming match with Willow last night, and I’m sure she went running to Xander and told him I wasn’t obeying the rules again. She’s such a tattle-tale.”

Despite the situation, Spike smirked. “A bit, yeah. What was the row about?”

“A bunch of stuff. I just sort of blew up on her. But I doubt she actually listened to anything I said. She loves to blame everyone else around her without ever taking into account her own behavior. It gets really, really old after awhile.”

“So what are you going to do now?” Spike asked, holding her hand tighter, as if he were afraid to let go.

“Would you be okay waiting out here while I went in and talked to them?” Buffy asked. “No offense, honey, but if I go in there with you, it’s just going to make the situation even more explosive.”

Spike frowned. “I thought you weren’t hiding me from them.”

“I’m not. Trust me, I’m not. But if they start screaming the moment I walk through the door, it’s only going to make things even more difficult.”

“Buffy…” Spike started, his whole body going tense.

“No, don’t do that, okay? This has nothing to do with us.” Buffy put her free hand against his cheek and smiled softly. “I’m going to go in there and talk to them, but nothing’s going to change for us. I’m still going to love you, and you’re still sleeping next to me in my bed tonight. Just give me a few minutes to diffuse the situation. Please, Spike. I need you to let me do this on my own.”

Spike let out a deep breath. He didn’t like this, but he knew he couldn’t really refuse her either. “Yeah, all right. I’ll wait for you out here.”

“I’ll be back soon, I promise.” Buffy kissed his cheek, then whispered against his ear. “I love you.”

“I love you, too, sweetheart.”

Buffy slipped away from him, and Spike reluctantly let go. She smiled at him one more time before she went into the house and shut the door behind him.

The thought of her being alone with those two, primed to tear her away from him – it was all Spike could do to keep from panicking.

If he lost her now after what they’d shared today…

Hands trembling, he took a cigarette out of his coat in an attempt to calm his nerves.

*** *** ***

Please review.

Truthfully, Buffy didn’t want to leave Spike outside any more than he wanted to be left. The idea of facing her friends alone terrified her – something she realized now probably spoke volumes about the state of the so-called friendships. However, she also knew that if didn’t really matter at the moment if she didn’t want to face the issue head on – she had to. It was the only way things would ever work with Spike.

“You’re not wrong, Buffy. You’re not,” she whispered to herself before she stepped into the living room. Immediately, Xander and Willow turned to look at her, their expressions grave.

“Oh, good, you’re home,” Willow said with overplayed chipperness. “Xander and I have been waiting for you.” She patted the spot beside her on the couch. “Why don’t you have a seat?”

“Actually, I’d prefer to stand,” Buffy replied, her arms folded over her chest. “Just go ahead and say what’s on your mind and get it over with. I need to patrol tonight, ‘cause Manny Cooper’s obit – way suspicious.”

Willow and Xander shared a look that struck Buffy as very absurd. The more she thought about it, this whole “intervention” habit of theirs bordered on farcical. They treated her like a self-destructive drug addict whenever she didn’t come away from a difficult situation all smiles or she had a relationship they didn’t approve of?

What a bloody joke…

Buffy had to suppress a grin as she noticed her own inner voice was starting to sound like Spike.

“I realize that you’ve got to patrol,” Willow began, “but this is important.”

“More important than Manny rising from his grave and feasting on the citizens of Sunnydale? Because I was under the impression that that was pretty damn important,” Buffy replied.

Willow and Xander shared another look, then Xander cleared his throat. “This is important, Buff. Willow told me about the…heated conversation the two of you had the other night, and…”

“And what? You think she should stop blaming everyone else for her mistakes and stop freeloading, too? No, wait, that can’t be it. It’s much more fun if everyone just gangs up on Buffy.”

“This isn’t about ‘ganging up’ on anyone!” Willow protested. “This is about helping you.”

“Yeah, Buffy. We want you to be happy. We’re your friends, remember?”

Buffy snorted. “Yeah, okay. Whatever.”

“We know you’re upset about how you had to come back, Buffy, but…”

Buffy cut Willow off. “I didn’t have to come back. You twisted the forces of nature to bring me back. There’s a difference. But this isn’t about that. It’s about me being sick of having two complete hypocrites judging what I do all the time.”

“That’s a bit harsh, Buffy,” Xander snapped.

“No, it really isn’t. The two of you fuck up royally constantly and think you can just shrug your shoulders and say ‘oops’ and it’s all okay. But me – I don’t follow your little rules of how you think I should behave and there’s something wrong with me!”

“There is something wrong with you!” Willow yelled. However, at Buffy’s arched eyebrow, she cleared her throat and said more calmly. “Well, not wrong with you. You’re just not…acting like yourself.”

“Yeah,” Xander chimed in. “I mean, Willow said you were talking like Spike was something other than, well, Spike. Like he was your special patrol buddy. That…that isn’t true, is it, Buffy?”

“No, Xander, Spike is not my ‘special patrol buddy,’” she replied, with sarcastic air quotes.

“Oh, thank god,” Xander said. His relief, however, was dead a moment later when Buffy spoke again.

“He’s my lover.”

Willow and Xander’s synchronized, shocked “What?!” would’ve made Buffy laugh if she hadn’t been so angry.

“I’m pretty sure you heard me. Spike’s my lover. As in we’re having sex. You know, where two people…”

Xander snapped out of his stupor to hold up his hand. “We get the picture. No need to draw a verbal diagram.”

“Buffy, I know you’re going through a difficult time in your life, but turning to Spike for comfort isn’t…”

“Oh god, Willow, would you just shut up?” Buffy snapped, shock alone making the redhead’s mouth close. “This isn’t open for debate. I’m with Spike, and that’s all there is to say on the matter. You’re either okay with it or… Well, if you’re not, you know where the door is.”

“How…how can you say that?” Willow asked. “You…you’d actually choose Spike over us?”

“Let me see – would I choose the person who loves me unconditionally and would support me no matter what over the people who judge me constantly and try to control me? Yeah, I really think I would.”

“Buffy, this is insane! Would you listen to yourself?” Xander shouted. “You’re standing here talking about being with Spike like it’s not sick and disgusting!”

“That’s because it’s not. You have no idea what goes on behind closed doors with me and Spike. No idea at all – and no right to make any judgments about it. And hey, some people might say the same thing about you and Anya.”

“I love her,” Xander snapped defensively.

“Yeah, well, I love Spike. Get over it.”

“Buffy, you may think you love Spike, but…”

That was the last straw for Buffy. She’d had enough of their judgments, and she certainly wasn’t going to keep trying to defend her relationship with Spike to them. “You know what, Willow, I want you out of my house. I want you out of my mother’s room. You moved in here while I was dead, took over the master bedroom, and now what? You can’t even chip in with the bills? Do you even know what the mortgage is? No? Get out.”

“You…you can’t throw me out!” Willow said, her eyes wide. “I’m your best friend!”

“You’re a freeloader,” Buffy said, speaking very slowly as if she were talking to a child. “You took over my house when I wasn’t here, and now you go hang out with your crazy friends and get my little sister hurt. You can leave.”

“You can’t do this to Willow,” Xander said, his face turning red with anger. “And the Buffy I know wouldn’t even want to. What has Spike done to you?”

“Okay, you can really leave. Seriously. You’re not even squatting here.”

“Buffy…” Willow protested.

“Get out of my house! Both of you! I’ve…I’ve had enough. This is my home, and I don’t want to have to live here with either of you breathing down my neck. So since neither of you can actually be my friends and see anything beyond the tip of your own noses, I just want you gone. I can’t deal with this anymore.”

“I don’t understand why you’re saying these things, Buffy,” Willow said, her eyes full of tears.

“No, of course you don’t. And really, if you don’t get it, I don’t know how to explain it. I don’t even want to try. I just can’t do this anymore. I’m sick of being depressed all the time. I’m sick of feeling like I have to please people who can never accept me for who I am. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t. And unless the two of you learn what it means to be real friends, then I just want you gone.”

“Buffy, would you listen to yourself!” Xander yelled. “You’re accusing the only two people who have stuck by you through all of your problems of being out to get you!”

“I never said you were ‘out to get me.’ I said you’re judgmental and controlling. And as far as being the only people who have stuck by me? Funny, I don’t see running around in some bizarre psychedelic, magic fog and summoning a demon from the Broadway Hell as ‘sticking by me.’ It just manages to fuck my life up a little bit more.”

Both Willow and Xander started to protest at the same time, but Buffy held out her hand and spoke over them. “I don’t want to hear it. I’m sick of this. I’m sick of the two of you acting like children – and stupid children at that – and then expecting me to bail you out. Both of you have recently endangered the life of my sister. She’s got her arm in a sling and has to deal with the trauma of almost being taken to hell to be a demon’s bride. Like she hasn’t been through enough already? And all you do is apologize and act like that’s supposed to make it all better, but seeing as you both continue to act like morons, I’m really not seeing the remorse here.

“The bottom line is that I’m sick of playing these stupid games and I’m sick of always having to pretend that everything’s just a-okay. It’s not. It hasn’t been for a very long time, and I don’t think it’s going to get any better if something doesn’t change. I can’t keep worrying if I’m pleasing everyone else or what someone’s going to think of me whenever I make a choice about my personal life. I’ve been doing it for years, and it’s exhausting. I just want to be happy, and I don’t want to feel alone all the time. I can’t do it anymore.”

“We don’t want you to be alone, Buffy,” Willow protested. “But we don’t think turning to Spike is a very healthy thing to do.”

“And I don’t care what you think. You don’t know him. Neither of you do. And you don’t know what things are like between us. You don’t know how good Spike’s been to me these past few months. You have no idea how supportive he’s been or how much strength he’s given me. You don’t know.”

Xander sneered at Buffy. “Please. You really think Spike cares about you? If he’s acting like he’s your friend, Buffy, it’s only because he’s trying to get into your pants.”

Buffy turned and focused her gaze on Xander, the look in her eyes actually making him shrink back in his seat. “Don’t you dare give me that crap, Xander Harris. You know as well as I do why you’ve stayed around me as long as you have and how petty you can be when it comes to me choosing another man over you. I know you’re jealous. I know it pisses you off to know I’d rather be with a vampire than you. And if anyone has ever pretended to care about me as a friend to try to get into my pants, it’s you – not Spike.”

“That isn’t true! I mean yeah, I may have had a crush on your back in high school, but that was a long time ago. I’m with Anya now.”

“Look me in the eye and tell me you wouldn’t dump her if you had a shot with me. Tell me with complete honesty that at least part of the reason you’re still here is because you’re hoping someday you’ll find your in.”

Xander opened his mouth, but closed it again after a moment of saying nothing. Buffy’s eyes were boring into his, daring him to tell her anything less than the truth. He squirmed underneath her intense stare until finally, he jumped to his feet.

“Fine. If you’d rather fuck some vampire than remember who your friends are, well… There’s nothing more I can do to help you, Buffy.”

“No, Xander, there’s not,” Buffy replied, her tone even despite the anger that was threatening to overtake her. She refused to get hysterical or lose control of herself. She knew what she was doing was the best thing for her to do at this point, and whether or not the two of them understood her decision didn’t matter. She pointed towards the door. “You can see yourself out.”

As Xander stormed past her, Buffy turned her attention back to Willow. “You’ve got a week to get your things out of my mother’s bedroom.”

Willow started to respond, but before she could, a commotion on the front porch caught both of their attention. Buffy turned quickly, her heart jumping as she realized her mistake in sending Xander through the front door.

She ran towards the porch, letting out a yell when she saw Spike on the ground, Xander holding him down as he punched him repeatedly, snarling vile epithets at the vampire as he did. Spike was attempting to defend himself the best he could, but with the chip, he wasn’t able to do much more than hold his arms in front of him.

“Xander, stop!” Buffy yelled. “Stop hurting him!”

Xander ignored her, his attack continuing. Buffy moved then, grabbing Xander’s arm as he brought it back to deliver another blow and pulled him away from Spike. She’d held back, however, resisting using her full Slayer strength, hoping it wouldn’t be necessary. She wanted to diffuse the situation – not hurt Xander, as angry as he was making her. Buffy knew that her abilities often made her too strong when it came to fighting humans.

However, Xander wasn’t willing to take the same care with her. He pushed her back, sending Buffy stumbling down the stairs. Spike roared as he watched her fall, all thoughts of the chip pushed out of his mind as he struck, hitting Xander in the face, feeling bone smash beneath his fist as his own head erupted into excruciating pain.

Spike fell back to the ground, clutching his head. Xander touched his face, saw blood on his hand, and charged Spike again, this time kicking the vampire repeatedly as he struggled to get to his feet.

From the doorway, Willow yelled at them to stop. Neither man listened.

Buffy pulled herself up to her feet and brushed herself off. The fall hadn’t hurt her, but it had served to royally piss her off. She started back towards Xander, ready to do whatever it took to get him off her boyfriend – even if it meant using Slayer strength.

She didn’t have to. Suddenly someone ran past her, attacking Xander and making him stumble away from Spike. It took Buffy a moment to realize who it was.

Dawn. She used her good arm to wield her purse, beating Xander down to his knees.

A moment later, Buffy heard someone behind her yell out a word she didn’t understand. Xander froze, clearly unable to move. Dawn stepped back and wiped her brow.

Buffy turned around and saw Tara standing in the walkway. She blew a strand of hair out of her face. “Hi, Buffy. How are things going?”

“Oh, all fine and dandy,” Buffy replied with sarcasm, though she flashed the other woman a grateful smile. Tara smiled back.

“Buffy, are you all right?” Spike asked from the porch, still clutching his head, though the chip seemed to have stopped firing.

Buffy ran up the stairs, past a still-immobile Xander, and knelt down beside Spike. “I’m fine. I’ve taken way worse falls than that. Are you okay? You’re bleeding, honey.”

“I’m fine, luv. Harris punches like the loser he is,” Spike grumbled, though his face was already starting to show signs of bruising.

Buffy didn’t know what to say. Seeing Xander attacking Spike had terrified her, and her heart was still pounding now. She threw her arms around him, and Spike held her, whispering soothing words against her ear as he tried to calm her down.

“Well, that explains it,” Dawn said after a moment. “I take it Xander figured out you two are together.”

Buffy looked up at her sister then turned her head quickly towards Tara. “Did you…”

Tara held up her hands. “I didn’t say a thing.”

“Please, Buffy, I’m not totally clueless,” Dawn said with a roll of her eyes. “I found your panties stuck in the pillows of the couch. I mean, I’m totally scarred for life now from that, but it didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out how they got there – you’ve only really been around one guy since you got back.”

“Tara?” Willow said softly from the doorway, reminding the group she was even there. “What’s going on? And what did you do to Xander?”

“Stopped him from hurting Dawn, Spike, or Buffy,” Tara replied, her tone towards her ex-girlfriend cold. “He’ll be fine in a couple of minutes, and hopefully then, he’ll have calmed down.”

“Tara took me to get dinner,” Dawn supplied. “I left a note…”

“I didn’t think you’d mind, Buffy,” Tara said. “I didn’t expect to come back to this.”

“No, I don’t mind,” Buffy replied, pulling back from Spike some, though she kept her hand on his shoulder. “And I didn’t quite expect this myself.”

Willow looked back and forth between Buffy and Tara, realizing quickly she was missing some of the pieces. “Did you know about Spike and Buffy?” she asked Tara, hurt in her voice.

Tara turned back towards Willow and replied coolly, “It’s none of your business, Willow.”

Tara’s non-answer still gave Willow the answer she wanted. She stepped out of the doorway and onto the porch. “How…how could the two of you sneak around my back and keep this from me?”

“Because it wasn’t about you,” Tara snapped. “It was about Buffy needing someone to be there for her and be a friend – something I don’t even think you know how to do.” The image of Buffy as she’d been the night before, so desperate just to have someone look at her and tell her she wasn’t somehow inherently wrong was still fresh in Tara’s mind, and she knew who bore a large part of the blame for Buffy reaching that point. “You always want to push your will and your opinion on everyone, Willow, and that’s not how you support someone. That’s not how you show them you love them. That’s how you show them you only love yourself.”

Willow looked at the three other women standing in front of her and didn’t see an ounce of sympathy for her in any of their eyes.

Instead, Buffy turned from her and helped Spike to his feet. “Come on, baby. Let’s get you inside and fixed up. Are you staying for a bit, Tara?”

Tara looked between Dawn and Buffy. “Yeah.”

Dawn, Buffy, and Spike went inside the house with Tara trailing behind. When she got to the door, she turned and looked at Willow. “Xander will snap out of it in a few minutes. You should probably make sure he gets home.”

With that, she shut the door.

Willow stood beside Xander and waited.

*** *** ***

Please excuse any typos – blame the fever I had while editing this.

Reviews would be lovely.

Spike went directly to the couch, sorer from Xander’s attack than he wanted to admit. He leaned against the pillows, his eyes sliding shut as his head throbbed.

When he opened them again, he found himself surrounded by three concerned women.

“Spike, are you all right?” Dawn asked, speaking first.

“Yeah, bit, I’m fine,” Spike said, though he winced as he reached out and patted her head. “Thanks for the save.” He turned to Tara. “You, too, Glinda.”

Buffy was seated beside him on the couch, and though she said nothing, she gently ran her fingers over a bruise on his cheek. Spike nuzzled into her hand, then turned so he kissed her palm.

Dawn squealed at the sign of affection between her sister and the vampire. “Omigod, you two are so cute together!” she exclaimed, bouncing up and down, the pitch of her voice making Spike wince again. “This is so the greatest thing ever.”

“Dawnie, Spike’s chip fired out on the porch. Maybe you could tone down the decibels a bit?” Buffy requested of her sister.

Dawn turned to Spike, chagrined. “Sorry.”

He gave her a small smile. “It’s all right, bit. I’m glad to know you approve of your sis an’ me.”

“I totally approve.” Dawn bit her lip to keep from squealing again, the excitement bubbling in her too much to contain. There’d been too much sadness and heartbreak in this house recently. She was ready for a little new love instead.

Buffy’s stern expression faded when she took a good look at her sister’s face. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d seen Dawn look genuinely happy. Maybe things really would start looking up now…

Still, she worried that Dawn’s enthusiasm might be a bit much for Spike at the moment, despite his claims otherwise. A couple of nasty bruises had appeared on his face and he kept pressing his hand to his temple. She wanted to march back outside, wait for Xander to come to, and then hit him until he was unconscious again, but instead she turned to her sister and said, “We have some blood in the freezer. Why don’t you go heat up a mug for Spike?”

“Right. Blood. On it,” Dawn said quickly and without argument, jogging out of the living room and towards the kitchen.

“Wow. That’s the first time in months she’s actually done what I’ve told her to do right away,” Buffy said. “She must like you.”

“Well, I am rather likable,” Spike replied with a smirk.

“I like you,” Buffy admitted with a kiss to the tip of Spike’s nose, making the vampire start for a moment before he gave her a boyish grin.

Out of the corner of his eye, Spike caught Tara’s lips curving up in a smile of her own, and he turned towards her. “What, Glinda?”

“You two are cute,” she replied, her smile turning into a teasing smirk. Spike gave her a stern look in response, but there was still the sparkle of mirth in his eyes, and Tara chuckled, then sobered again. “So I assume the two of you worked out your um…” She coughed. “Problem?”

“Yep, everything’s working fine now,” Buffy replied before she realized the full implications of her response and turned red.

Spike chuckled at Buffy’s embarrassment and wrapped his arm around her. “Yeah, Gilnda, we’re good now. Thanks for your help.”

Tara could tell from his expression he didn’t just mean the help she’d given them in regards to the backfiring of Buffy’s spell. “You’re welcome. I’m glad I could be there for both of you.”

Buffy reached over and took Spike’s hand, intertwining her fingers with his. “So are we, Tara. Truly.” She paused for a moment, then met Tara’s eyes, wanting to make sure the other woman knew she meant what she was about to say. “I’ve asked Willow to leave before the week is out. Given what’s gone on recently, I just think it’s better if she isn’t living here. But you… This is still your home, Tara – if you want it to be.”

The expression on Tara’s face made it clear how much Buffy’s words took her by surprise. “I…I know you’ve got a lot going on right now, Buffy. I…I wouldn’t want to be an imposition.”

“You wouldn’t be,” Buffy assured her. “I’m actually thinking about doing some redecorating and moving into my mom’s…” She stopped in mid-sentence, cleared her throat, and began again. “Moving into the master bedroom. That would leave the other bedroom open, and if you wanted to move back in, it’s yours.”

“I…” Tara stopped, unsure of what to say. Buffy’s offer touched her, and a week ago, she wouldn’t have believed it could even happen. A week ago, it may not have, she realized. However, it was clear that the slayer’s offer was genuine, and Tara knew the connection she’d felt she’d made with the other woman in the past twenty-four hours had not been imagined on her part.

“Is Tara moving back in with us?” Dawn asked as she reemerged in the living room, mug in hand.

“If she wants to,” Buffy replied.

“Tara, would you?” Dawn asked, her eyes pleading. “We had so much fun together when you lived here.”

Tara smiled gently at the teen, remembering that yes, they had had fun together. Even with all the bad things that had surrounded the time Tara had lived at Revello Drive, she’d always liked the time she’d spent with Dawn, feeling sometimes as if she was her little sister as well. “Okay,” Tara said. “I’ll try it. But if I’m a burden…”

“Tara, you’re not a burden,” Dawn said, rolling her eyes. “You’re family.”

“She’s right,” Buffy said, agreeing with her sister. “And right now, I really think I could use my family around.” She squeezed Spike’s hand. “All of you.”

“Then I’ll move back in,” Tara said, surprised at how peaceful that decision made her feel.

Suddenly, Dawn rushed over to Spike, careful not to spill the blood as she handed it to him before darting out of the room, calling over her shoulder that she was going somewhere to squeal without giving him a headache. “Thanks, bit!” Spike called after her, though whether it was for the blood or the relocation of her high-pitched sounds of glee was a toss-up.

“Good. I’m glad,” Buffy said to Tara, giving her a bright smile. She reminded Tara a little more of the woman she’d first met and not the tired, lost woman she’d become.

“Although right now, I think I’m going to go back to the dorm. I think Xander and Willow are gone, and Spike looks like he could use some rest,” Tara said. “I’ll call tomorrow and see how you’re both doing.”

“Okay,” Buffy said as she stood up. “I’ll walk you to the door.”

“All right,” Tara replied with a nod. She smiled at the vampire still seated on the couch. “Bye, Spike. I hope your head doesn’t give you too much trouble.”

Spike smiled back at her. “It’s already feeling better. Have a good night, Tara.”

Tara’s smile turned teasing. “Hey, you do know my name.”

Spike smirked at her in response. “Yeah, I do. But calling people by their actual names is just so overrated.”

Tara chuckled, giving Spike a small wave as she followed Buffy towards the front door. Dawn joined them there, and Spike watched over the top of his mug, taking a drink of the warm blood as Tara spoke softly to both of the Summers sisters, then hugged them good-bye.

It was clear that all three of them were happy with the new living arrangements they’d decided upon, and Spike couldn’t help but wonder where he fit in. Buffy had told him she loved him and wanted to be with him, but did that mean she wanted him sharing her home? Would she think it was too much too soon? Spike knew what he wanted, but he also knew that most people weren’t as willing to throw themselves headfirst into relationships the way he was – and Buffy certainly hadn’t been as warm to the idea of their coupledom as he’d been.

He clutched the mug of blood, telling himself he couldn’t push her. He knew Tara had been right the night before when she’d said Buffy needed to work at her own pace. He’d let her broach the subject when she was ready – even if he could barely stand the idea of ever sleeping without her in his arms again.

The front door shut behind Tara, and Spike heard Dawn say – loudly – as she went up the stairs that she would be in her room, leaving Buffy and Spike to themselves. Buffy turned and stood in the doorway to the living room, her hands clutched in front of her.

For several moments, they were both silent, and Spike could tell from Buffy’s body language that she was nervous. She looked like she normally did when she was about to bolt, and he clutched his mug a little tighter, hoping she wasn’t going to make a sudden change in her attitude towards him. He knew it wouldn’t exactly be sane for someone to go from professing love to running off in the span of a few hours, but this was Buffy after all…

“Kitten? Everything all right?” He asked, wincing when he heard his voice cracking slightly. “You’re…you’re not having second thoughts, are you?”

Buffy looked up then, a frown on her face. “No, no second thoughts.” She sighed. “I’m really going to have to work hard to prove to you I’m not going to keep toying with your emotions like a mega-bitch, aren’t I?”

Spike responded with a small smile. “Don’t worry, luv. It’s not all because of you. For all my good looks and swagger, I can be right insecure at times.”

His response made her chuckle. “God, we’re really a mess.”

Spike laughed with her. “Yeah, we really are.”

Buffy moved from the doorway joined Spike on the couch, cuddling against his side. Spike held his mug in one hand and wrapped the other arm around her, relaxing now that it seemed whatever it was that was on her mind wasn’t the sudden desire to run away again. Instead, she closed her eyes and rested her head on his chest, a small smile on her face as she draped her arm across his stomach, keeping him close to her. She looked so completely content that Spike let himself relax as well, telling himself it was safe to let his guard down, to have the courage to accept this at face value.

She loved him. She’d told him so, and he had to believe she meant it.

Buffy stayed like that in his arms for several minutes as Spike quietly sipped his blood, the pain in his body and his head lessening as he listened to the easy rhythms of her heart and breath. When he finished his meal, he leaned forward and put the empty mug on a stack of magazines on the coffee table. Buffy moved then, sitting up and opening her eyes, though she stayed close against his side. Spike looked down at her and saw she still had that nervous look in her eyes again and was worrying her bottom lip between her teeth.

“Okay, just spit it out, whatever it is,” Spike said. “You’re making me edgy.”

“I…” Buffy stopped and let out a deep breath. “I suck at this.”

“Seeing as I’m currently not even sure what ‘this’ is, then I’d have to agree with you on that, luv.”

“Bite me,” Buffy muttered, only to blush when she remembered who she was talking to. “Pretend I didn’t say that.”

Spike grinned at her lasciviously. “Oh, there’s no way that’s happening, kitten. Not many things you could say would affect me more than that.”

“I want you to move in with me,” Buffy blurted out.

Spike’s head tilted. “Except maybe that.” He tucked her hair behind her ear and looked into her eyes, trying to tell from them if her nervousness was based on asking the question itself or the prospect of sharing a home with him. “Are you sure?”

“Completely,” Buffy replied, not a trace of doubt in her voice. “But if you don’t want to, I’d understand. I mean, we haven’t really been together very long, and maybe you want to have your space, which is cool, I’d totally get…”

The last of her sentence was muffled by Spike’s lips, and she had her answer. She could still taste the metallic tang of blood on his tongue, but she realized she didn’t care. She found she had a similar reaction to it as she had to the smell of cigarettes – on anyone else it might disgust her, but when it was rolled up in the package her mind associated with Spike, she couldn’t imagine it any other way.

He smiled at her when he broke the kiss, and Buffy couldn’t help but smile back. He caressed her face with his thumb, his smile growing, and one look at him told Buffy he didn’t just want her, didn’t just love her – he adored her.

It made her heart flutter.

“I was thinking maybe we could re-do the master bedroom together,” she said when she caught her breath again, her hands against his chest. “You know, make it ours.”

“I’d like that, sweetheart.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

They were both still smiling as they kissed again, and Buffy wondered if she’d ever be able to stop. It hadn’t been too long ago when she’d been wondering if she’d ever be able to really smile again…

One more realization washed over her, and she murmured it against Spike. “I wasn’t finished.”

He moved back from her face slightly. “What was that, luv?”

“I wasn’t finished,” she repeated, louder this time. “I…I thought I was. You know, when…when I jumped.” She swallowed, the memories still difficult, though she noted they weren’t as difficult as they’d once been. For the first time, she knew that eventually, the pain was going to ease, fade into the background of her life. “I thought I’d done all I was supposed to, but now, I’m realizing I hadn’t. There’s… Well, there’s a lot of things I think I hadn’t experienced yet.”

“Does that mean you’re happy to be back?” Spike asked softly.

Buffy nodded. “Yeah, I am.” Her grin broadened again. “Heaven will still be there when I’m ready. For now, I think I’d rather be here, with you – loving you.”

Spike pulled her closer to him and breathed in the scent of her hair. He didn’t say anything; he didn’t have to. She knew.

She broke away, met his eyes, and Spike knew then she wasn’t going to run from him again.

Patrol could wait for a night – it was time for Buffy to live for herself as well as the world.

Spike rose to his feet, lifted her into his arms, and carried her upstairs.

*** *** ***

This is the end of this story. I know a lot of people were expecting more with Willow or an Angel confrontation, but I never planned for this story to be very long. Just one conflict – short and sweet. I hope you were still able to find the ending satisfactory.

Please review and let me know what you thought.